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The Talon House

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  2. A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.' 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!' 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door, OLD' IS WHEN... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today. 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom. AND 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are not sure these are jokes
  3. John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's room-mate was. She had long been suspicious of John's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the room-mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mike and I are just room-mates." About a week later, Mike came to John and said "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Mike, and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with Mike. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum."
  4. If the person who coined the name Walkie Talkie got to name everything, we would have: Stamps: Lickie Stickie Defibrillators: Heartie Startie Bumblebees: Fuzzie Buzzie Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby Bra: Breastie Nestie Fork: Stabbie Grabbie Socks: Feetie Heatie Hippo: Floatie Bloatie Nightmare: Screamie Dreamie
  5. A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night.""Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."You gotta love Grandmas! A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!" Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages He wrote:1) It is perfect formula for the child.2) It provides immunity against several diseases.3) It is always the right temperature.4) It is inexpensive.5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.6) It is always available as neededAnd then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.He got an A+. A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings."Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?""They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she repliedThe taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers." An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.
  6. Every week, Manny entered the state lottery hoping to win; he never did. Finally, he prayed vigorously and, hoping for God's message, He walked around the local fairground. A flash of lightning struck as he was passing by Nadine's carnival stall. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 tattooed on each of her butt cheeks. He bet on 77, as he thought God had given him a sign. Sadly, He lost again. The winning number was 707. Moral of the story: Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life.
  7. My wife and I went to the Royal Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said... "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week." We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW that's almost 3 times a week! You could learn a lot from him." We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow." My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery
  8. In a convent in Ireland, old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying. The nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader. "Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us." She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "Do not sell that cow!"
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