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The Talon House

TalonRider

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  1. 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1 oz. of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids. You may need to stand on the top lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand to the side of the toilet as far away as you can and quickly lift the lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside, where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely yours, The Dog
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  3. A man went to the Harborview Medical Center in Seattle, Washington, to have his wedding ring cut off his p****. According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his p**** while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse: > 1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married. > > 2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your p****...OR... > > 3. Finding out your p**** fits through your wedding ring. Tough call. You decide.
  4. I don't know how many of you know this, but a lot of the buildings that Jamie describes in the story, he has actually been to, or researched. Sometimes one place in the story would be a combination of two places. The palace that was home to the Legend of Red and Black was one such place. What reminded me of this was an episode of Blue Planet, seen on BBC America, showed a place called Angel Falls. I do believe this was the inspiration for the Icarian Angels Fall. I did some research myself and found this at Wiki. I also did a search using Google Maps and found this. Be sure to check out photos available.
  5. A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes." A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip. "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
  6. Unfortunately, the author still remains MIA.
  7. They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends. I hope it's Michael - he's super cute _ Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gays could have lightsabre fights. _ Saying "the gay guy from X-Factor" is kind of like saying: "the Chinese man from China". _ I'm not homophobic, in the same way that I'm not arachnaphobic. I'm not scared of gays; I'm not scared of spiders. But if I were to walk in and find one in my bed, I'd be a little worried. _ Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park." _ My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. Which is a shame, because I really fancy him. _ My doctor was checking my balls for any lumps the other day. It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair. _ Went hiking with my mate the other day, half way to the summit I fell, slipping a disc in my spine. He looked at me and grinned saying "I guess you could call this 'Brokeback' mountain". "Very funny, but I haven't broken my back." "I know, but I'm still going to f**k you." -- My mates call me gay because I can't stay on a skateboard for longer than a minute. I'd like to see them try it with high heels on. _ According to a new study, 99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather trousers. That actually works out rather well, since 100% of men who wear leather trousers don't like women. __ I recently came out to my best friend and told him I was gay. He turned his back on me... That was his first mistake. __ My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael. __ Don't you hate it when you wake up from a drunken night out with 'I love c***' written on your fore-head? Especially when you've been drinking at home. Alone.
  8. After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down." They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice, "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
  9. An elderly lady decided to give herself a treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. “It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00 for just an overnight stay. I didn't even have breakfast." The clerk told her that $450.00 is the "standard rate," so she insisted on speaking to the manager. The manager appeared and said: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for your use." "But I didn't use them," she said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager. He went on to explain that she also could have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous . "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said. "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied. No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, the lady replied, "But I didn't use it" and the manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him. The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00." "That's correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaimed the manager. Well, You know what the woman said to that.
  10. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. Batteries were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. A will is a dead giveaway. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. A boiled egg is hard to beat. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
  11. HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!
  12. Computer Repair Caller: Hi, our printer is not working. Customer Service: What is wrong with it? Caller: Mouse is jammed. Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse. Caller: Mmmmm? Oh really? I will send a picture...
  13. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn."
  14. A pretty and demure young lady was in her first year as a lecturer at a large university. She was quite proud of the way things had gone so far during the term and was giving her first big exam the next day, the first mid-term of her career. She wanted her students to do well because she hated the idea of having to flunk anyone. So, in her final comments to her students before ending class that day, she had a few remarks about the exam. "This will cover everything we've gone over so far this semester. No trick questions -- just the chance for you to show me what you've learned. It'll also show me how well I've done, and what I need to do better. Now, there is one last thing I have to say. I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow, and if you're late, don't expect to get extra time. Being here on time, ready and prepared to perform is your responsibility and one you need to take seriously. "So, no excuses." Then, to insert a lighter touch, she said, "I might, of course, consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it: no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart aleck student in the back of the room who been trying to flirt with the young woman all semester raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I'd say, if you expect that may be the case, you have between now and then to learn to write with your other hand."
  15. Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic. Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.
  16. A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!" Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
  17. From Terry, (I just had to share) These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings have been left intact.) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John Henry being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33 Please excuse Gloria Jean from Jim today. She is administrating Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he playing football. He hurt in the growing part. Ethel Pearl could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Please xcuse LeRoy from school, he ain't got no rain cot and it was missing rain. Please excuse Bowdiddly fom school cause he uncle died. Bow say, "I sho glad it want me." Lugene will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side . Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the s----. [Words were crossed out in the ( )'s} Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a weak from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Willie being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Mary Ann for being absent yestitty. She was in bed with gramps. Lizie was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Please excuse Brenda, she been sick and under the doctor. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
  18. The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were: 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper. 8. Viagra, like a rock ! 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 6. Viagra , Be all that you can be. 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper! 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! And the unanimous number one slogan: 1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.
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  25. So it would seem that anyone who wasn't taken to Eagles Rock to be placed in stasis did not receive Darroot Tea. This includes Cody, Lance, and the Twins. We also know that Jamie and Nic were supposed to have been at Eagles Rock as Charles has said that they didn't make it there. This next part, I'm going to move over to the protected forum for discussion..
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