TalonRider

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Everything posted by TalonRider

  1. Too good not to share. Click here.
  2. Seasons Greetings and Happy Holidays Everyone!
  3. HAPPY HOLIDAYS 2016
  4. Welcome to the Gates of Hell, Chapter 42 has been posted.
  5. An Engineer dies... and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!" Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." "Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
  6. The little boy had been looking out of the Southwest airplane window. He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?” The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant. The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?” The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?” The boy replied, "Yes, she did.” "Well", said the flight attendant, "you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
  7. A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
  8. A writer died and as she floated in limbo, a disembodied voice told her she had the option of going to heaven or hell. "Can I look them both over before I make my decision?" she asked. As the writer descended into the fiery pits of hell, she saw row after row, level after level of writers chained to desks and banging away at keyboards in a steaming sweatshop atmosphere. As the writers slaved away, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes. "Oh my," said the writer. "May I see heaven now?" A few moments later, after she ascended, she saw the same conditions for the writers in heaven. "Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!" "No, it's not," replied the disembodied voice. "Here, your work gets published."
  9. A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running." --------------- A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she asked, "that I have to take the medication you prescribed for the rest of my life?" 'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor said. There was a moment of silence before the lady said, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition? Because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS." --------------- An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery. He had insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember: if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to move in and live with you and your wife." --------------- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say, "You don't look that old..." --------------- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. --------------- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra. --------------- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. --------------- Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting concerned." The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom, wearing a t-shirt without a bra, has long legs and is wearing short-shorts. What does your wife look like?" To which the old guy responds, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
  10. Welcome to the new look for the site thanks to the upgrade to the newest and latest software.
  11. Witty Ha-has - If I had a dollar for every boy or girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. - I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you. - Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water. - I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will remind me with, "Your password is incorrect." - Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. - I'm a great multi-tasker—I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. - Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them. - Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected? - Take my advice - I'm not using it. - I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious. - Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. - I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust. - Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more- talented fool. - I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie. - Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. - A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. - Ever stop to think and forget to start again? - When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always. - My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver's test—the other two guys managed to jump out of her way. - There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking. - Give me ambiguity or give me something else. - He who laughs last thinks slowest. - Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly? - Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type. - I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one. - Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. - The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it. - I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me. - I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it. - Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep. - If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie? - Money is the root of all wealth. - No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
  12. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t your sport. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  13. A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes it's the bull that wins."
  14. The following as posted by a member at Gay Authors. "Farewell Dear Friend" My dear friends and authors it was brought to my attention that … Miguel Sanchez, passed away in January 2016, after complications from surgery, and the lose of his dear friend; he seemed to have lost his will to live and was taken from us when his heart just gave out. Miguel was not only a great author but a wonderful dear friend to all who knew him. Please say a prayer in the church, synagogue, or temple of your choice, for this dear man. We will truly and deeply miss him until we can join with him once again. May God Bless and keep him! Tickie Webmaster
  15. Because I love a good laugh, I'll share this with you who also like a bit of levity in your day. Dear Ma and Pa: I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Alice
  16. HERE IS a short test sent to me by Pertinax Carrus that proves that we have become too dependent on our computers because they have become smarter than we are: First Question: Are you Male or Female? To find the answer, Look down... --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- Look down, for crying out loud, Not scroll down! -------------------
  17. Happy New Year to everyone.
  18. Friendship among Women? A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men? A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
  19. A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.... Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son. Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow… Love, Mom —
  20. Wouldn't we all. And welcome.
  21. Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
  22. Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout." On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." Sign in men's room at a gas station: We aim to please; You aim too, please. On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" At the Electric Company "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be delighted." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills." And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak." And the best one for last. Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
  23. Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
  24. Agreed. At least last time, we knew what was going on.