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The Talon House

TalonRider

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Everything posted by TalonRider

  1. Italian Confessional

    An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession in 1960. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"
  2. SEX AFTER DEATH ....

    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: " Marion ... Marion " "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
  3. Hi

    Hey stranger. Glad to see you're still around.
  4. The Engineer

    An engineer dies . . . and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! " Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on staff. I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." "Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
  5. Late Night Emergency Vet Call

    Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and even though it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked for me," he replied.
  6. Grandma's Boyfriend

    Too good not to share. Click here.
  7. Seasons Greetings

    Seasons Greetings and Happy Holidays Everyone!
  8. Seasons Greetings

    HAPPY HOLIDAYS 2016
  9. The Scrolls of Icaria

    Welcome to the Gates of Hell, Chapter 42 has been posted.
  10. Engineers

    An Engineer dies... and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!" Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." "Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
  11. Babies

    The little boy had been looking out of the Southwest airplane window. He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?” The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant. The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?” The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?” The boy replied, "Yes, she did.” "Well", said the flight attendant, "you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
  12. Juggling

    A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
  13. The Writer

    A writer died and as she floated in limbo, a disembodied voice told her she had the option of going to heaven or hell. "Can I look them both over before I make my decision?" she asked. As the writer descended into the fiery pits of hell, she saw row after row, level after level of writers chained to desks and banging away at keyboards in a steaming sweatshop atmosphere. As the writers slaved away, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes. "Oh my," said the writer. "May I see heaven now?" A few moments later, after she ascended, she saw the same conditions for the writers in heaven. "Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!" "No, it's not," replied the disembodied voice. "Here, your work gets published."
  14. Old Jokes

    A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running." --------------- A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she asked, "that I have to take the medication you prescribed for the rest of my life?" 'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor said. There was a moment of silence before the lady said, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition? Because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS." --------------- An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery. He had insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember: if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to move in and live with you and your wife." --------------- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say, "You don't look that old..." --------------- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. --------------- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra. --------------- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. --------------- Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting concerned." The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom, wearing a t-shirt without a bra, has long legs and is wearing short-shorts. What does your wife look like?" To which the old guy responds, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
  15. New Look

    Welcome to the new look for the site thanks to the upgrade to the newest and latest software.
  16. Witty Ha-Has

    Witty Ha-has - If I had a dollar for every boy or girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. - I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you. - Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water. - I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will remind me with, "Your password is incorrect." - Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. - I'm a great multi-tasker—I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. - Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them. - Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected? - Take my advice - I'm not using it. - I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious. - Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. - I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust. - Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more- talented fool. - I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie. - Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. - A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. - Ever stop to think and forget to start again? - When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always. - My wife got 8 out of 10 on her driver's test—the other two guys managed to jump out of her way. - There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking. - Give me ambiguity or give me something else. - He who laughs last thinks slowest. - Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly? - Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type. - I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one. - Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. - The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it. - I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me. - I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it. - Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep. - If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie? - Money is the root of all wealth. - No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
  17. Not zen koans, but should be

    The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t your sport. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  18. Mexican Oysters

    A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes it's the bull that wins."
  19. Miguel Sanchez

    The following as posted by a member at Gay Authors. "Farewell Dear Friend" My dear friends and authors it was brought to my attention that … Miguel Sanchez, passed away in January 2016, after complications from surgery, and the lose of his dear friend; he seemed to have lost his will to live and was taken from us when his heart just gave out. Miguel was not only a great author but a wonderful dear friend to all who knew him. Please say a prayer in the church, synagogue, or temple of your choice, for this dear man. We will truly and deeply miss him until we can join with him once again. May God Bless and keep him! Tickie Webmaster
  20. Because I love a good laugh, I'll share this with you who also like a bit of levity in your day. Dear Ma and Pa: I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Alice
  21. HERE IS a short test sent to me by Pertinax Carrus that proves that we have become too dependent on our computers because they have become smarter than we are: First Question: Are you Male or Female? To find the answer, Look down... --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- Look down, for crying out loud, Not scroll down! -------------------
  22. 2016

    Happy New Year to everyone.
  23. Friendship

    Friendship among Women? A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men? A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
  24. Dinner With Mom

    A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.... Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son. Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow… Love, Mom —
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