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ShiningKnight

A Joke A Day

231 posts in this topic

Since I got a calendar with a joke everyday for Christmas - one of those where you rip off a sheet per day, don't know what it's called in English - I thought I could post the jokes here every day.

Saturday and Sunday is combined and shown on one single sheet so for the weekend there is only one joke available, not two.

Let's go!

Edited by ShiningKnight

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January 1/2, 2005:

A baker was angry about one of his customer's complaints. "I was making bread before you were born", he shouted.

"Maybe so," the customer said, "but why are you selling it now?"

Edited by ShiningKnight

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Joke of January 3, 2005:

Pete: "I somehow thought my degrees in psychology, politics and economics would help me to get a better job. I'm really disappointed."

Tom: "Don't be so pessimistic. At least you understand why you can't get a job."

Edited by ShiningKnight

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Joke of January 4, 2005:

Isaac was lying in his bed, seriously ill, and the family was gathered around his bedside.

"Wife," he whispered.

"I'm here, Isaac."

"Miriam," he sighed.

"I'm here, Papa."

"Jacob?"

"I'm here, too, Papa."

"Then who the hell is minding the shop?"

Edited by ShiningKnight

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Joke of January 5, 2005:

People are getting used to answering machines. I called and got a real person last week and neither one of us spoke. We were both waiting for the beep.

Edited by ShiningKnight

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Joke of January 6, 2005:

2005-01-06.jpg

Caption: "What???! Not leftovers for dinner again?!!"

Edited by ShiningKnight

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Joke of January 7, 2005:

A customer complained, "God made the world in only six days. And it took you more than six weeks to finish up my suit." "Quite true, sir," replied the tailor, "But look what state it is in, and then take a look at this suit!"

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Joke of January 8/9, 2005:

A tourist saw an advertisement in front of a restaurant which claimed that any dish requested could be served. The man decided to test it. He entered and ordered an elephant on toast. The waiter took the order and went away into the kitchen. A few minutes later, he returned and said calmly, "We do apologize, but unfortunately we have run out of bread."

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Joke of January 10, 2005:

On a TV talk show a young atheist was sitting between a Catholic bishop and a famous rabbi. "I feel as if I were the page between the Old Testament and the New Testament..." The rabbi interrupted him, "That is a brilliant comparison, my son, since that page is usually a blank page."

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Joke of January 11, 2005:

Taxpayer: "I always pay my income taxes all at once."

Tax collector: "But you are allowed to pay them in quarterly installments."

Taxpayer: "I know it, but my heart can't stand it four times a year."

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Joke of January 12, 2005:

2005-01-12.jpg

Caption: "Stanley, I think the cat wants to go out."

Edited by ShiningKnight

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Joke of January 13, 2005:

"How is business?" one salesman asked another.

"Terrible. Even the people who never pay have stopped buying."

Edited by ShiningKnight

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Joke of January 14, 2005:

An actor was offered 5,000 pounds a week to work on a new film.

"What is it called?" he asked.

"The One-Legged Transvestite of Dartmoor Prison," replied the director, "Be sure to be here on Tuesday at eight o'clock."

"For that money I don't mind starting on Sunday."

"No need on Sunday. But on Monday you will be having your operations."

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Joke of January 10, 2005:

On a TV talk show a young atheist was sitting between a Catholic bishop and a famous rabbi. "I feel as if I were the page between the Old Testament and the New Testament..." The rabbi interrupted him, "That is a brilliant comparison, my son, since that page is usually a blank page."

:roflmao.gif:

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Joke of January 15/16, 2005:

John entered a store in Brooklyn and asked the shopkeeper, "What is the price of a herring?"

"Six cents each," answered Katz, the shopkeeper.

Just then the owner of the next store announced his merchandise loudly: "Ladies and gentlemen, cheap! Five cents a herring!"

"Do you hear that?" John asked, "Why do you charge more?"

"Because," answered Katz, "I wrap the herring in today's newspaper, whereas my neighbour uses papers that are a week old!"

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Joke of January 17, 2005:

What to say when offered a cigarette at a party:

"No thank you. I only smoke on special occasions."

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Joke of January 18, 2005:

Noticing that just before the football game started the teams gathered together and prayed briefly, a fan, seated next to a priest, asked what he thought would happen if both teams prayed with equal faith and fervour.

"In that event," replied the minister, "I imagine the Lord would simply sit back and enjoy one fine game of football."

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Joke of January 19, 2005:

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized that they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when one of the turtles said, "Oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

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Joke of January 20, 2005:

"Waiter! What is this?"

"It's bean soup, sir."

"I don't want to know what it's been. I want to know what it is!"

Edited by ShiningKnight

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Joke of January 21, 2005:

2005-01-21.jpg

Caption: "Take me to your leader!"

Edited by ShiningKnight

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Joke of January 22/23, 2005:

An airline recently introduced a special fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates asking how they had enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking "What trip?"

Edited by ShiningKnight

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