ShiningKnight Posted July 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2005 July 28, 2005 Simon is walking along the road carrying a big watermelon when he sees Nat coming towards him. "Hello! Nat, how are you?" "Oy vey," says Nat, throwing his arms up in the air, "Don't ask! But tell me, how are you?" "Me? You ask how I am? You want me to drop my watermelon?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2005 July 29, 2005 ON THE BORDER: "Do you have anything to declare?" "No, nothing." "And what is it you've got in this bottle here?" "Water from Lourdes." The customs officer opens up the bottle - and it is filled with French cognac. "That's funny," the astonished man said, "There's another miracle." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 1, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2005 July 30/31, 2005 Mrs. Greenburg was making the rounds at her tea for the ladies. In her hand she carried a platter of freshly baked cookies. "So Mrs. Rubenstein," she smiled, "would you like some cookies?" "No, thank you," said Mrs. Rubenstein, "they're just delicious - but I already had four." "You already had five," replied Mrs. Greenburg. "But who's counting!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 3, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 3, 2005 August 1, 2005 A man made an appointment to see a new optometrist. "Doctor," the man says, "I think I'm suffering from poor eyesight." "Oh, don't worry," says the doctor. "I can just print your bill bigger." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 3, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 3, 2005 August 2, 2005 Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me... the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on these encouraging words: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 5, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2005 (edited) August 3, 2005 Nothing can make a man a better driver than a police car behind him. Edited August 5, 2005 by ShiningKnight Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 5, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2005 August 4, 2005 A boss tells his new employee, "I will give you $8 an hour starting today and in three months I'll raise your wage to $10 an hour. So when would you like to start?" The new employee replied, "In three months." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 6, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2005 August 5, 2005 Psychiatrist: "How long have you believed in reincarnation?" Patient: "Ever since I was a frog." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
movieguy Posted August 8, 2005 Report Share Posted August 8, 2005 August 5, 2005Psychiatrist: "How long have you believed in reincarnation?" Patient: "Ever since I was a frog." <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2005 August 6/7, 2005 Martha's grandson Jason and his wife are coming to visit her for the first time, so she is giving them directions to her flat. "You come to the front door of the Golders Green block of flats. I am in flat number 32 on the 14th floor. At the front door, you'll see a big panel of buttons. With your elbow, Jason, you push button 32. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the lift is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" "You're coming empty-handed?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2005 August 8, 2005 THE OPTIMIST SEES THE BAGEL, THE PESSIMIST SEES THE H O L E . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2005 August 9, 2005 "Hello. Is this Miller?" "No. This is the post office." "Well, do you have the same number as the Millers?" "No ..." "Then why did you pick up the phone?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2005 (edited) August 10, 2005 If dogs could buy their own food ... Premium Table Scaps Tidbits from the Street Predigested Morsels Doggie Bags Garbage Can Menu Prime Roadkill General Restorative Grass Park General Restorative Grass Center Divider General Restorative Grass Backyard Edited August 16, 2005 by ShiningKnight Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
movieguy Posted August 12, 2005 Report Share Posted August 12, 2005 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2005 August 11, 2005 A tourist asks the guide: "When does the Loch-Ness monster show up?" "Usually after the fifth shot of whisky." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2005 August 12, 2005 The remarkable thing about my mother is that for twenty years she has served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 15, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2005 August 13/14, 2005 The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses. Moses set down his load and raised his hands. "Friends," he said, "friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument I could think of - and I think I was successful. The good news: I brought Him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news: adultery is still in." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 16, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 16, 2005 August 15, 2005 Sign in front of a restaurant: If you are over 80 and accompanied by your parents, we will cash your cheque. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2005 August 16, 2005 A Californian walked into the New York Public Library and asked the librarian where the self-help books were. She replied, "If I told you, it would defeat the whole purpose." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2005 August 17, 2005 That's very thoughtful of you, Norbert, but I said I like horoscopes, not horror scoops! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 19, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 19, 2005 August 18, 2005 Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and slap the idiot upside the head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 28, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2005 (edited) August 19, 2005 Salomon Kadisch used to say, "Death is no misfortune. Of course, it's better not to have been born in the first place. But hardly one person in a thousand has that kind of luck." Edited August 28, 2005 by ShiningKnight Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 28, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2005 August 20/21, 2005 Becky, Sadie and Laura are bragging about their sons. Becky says, "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in London." Sadie says, "My son has done better than that. He is the best doctor in London." Laura says, "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job and he is gay. But he has these two great boyfriends - one is the best lawyer in London and the other is the best doctor in London." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 28, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2005 August 22, 2005 A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted August 28, 2005 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2005 August 23, 2005 Sign outside a house: TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF ONE GERMAN SHEPHERD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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