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ShiningKnight

A Joke A Day

231 posts in this topic

July 28, 2005

Simon is walking along the road carrying a big watermelon when he sees Nat coming towards him.

"Hello! Nat, how are you?"

"Oy vey," says Nat, throwing his arms up in the air, "Don't ask! But tell me, how are you?"

"Me? You ask how I am? You want me to drop my watermelon?"

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July 29, 2005

ON THE BORDER:

"Do you have anything to declare?"

"No, nothing."

"And what is it you've got in this bottle here?"

"Water from Lourdes."

The customs officer opens up the bottle - and it is filled with French cognac. "That's funny," the astonished man said, "There's another miracle."

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July 30/31, 2005

Mrs. Greenburg was making the rounds at her tea for the ladies. In her hand she carried a platter of freshly baked cookies. "So Mrs. Rubenstein," she smiled, "would you like some cookies?"

"No, thank you," said Mrs. Rubenstein, "they're just delicious - but I already had four."

"You already had five," replied Mrs. Greenburg. "But who's counting!"

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August 1, 2005

A man made an appointment to see a new optometrist. "Doctor," the man says, "I think I'm suffering from poor eyesight."

"Oh, don't worry," says the doctor. "I can just print your bill bigger."

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August 2, 2005

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me... the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on these encouraging words: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

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August 3, 2005

2005-08-03.jpg

Nothing can make a man a better driver than a police car behind him.

Edited by ShiningKnight

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August 4, 2005

A boss tells his new employee, "I will give you $8 an hour starting today and in three months I'll raise your wage to $10 an hour. So when would you like to start?" The new employee replied, "In three months."

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August 5, 2005

Psychiatrist: "How long have you believed in reincarnation?"

Patient: "Ever since I was a frog."

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August 6/7, 2005

Martha's grandson Jason and his wife are coming to visit her for the first time, so she is giving them directions to her flat.

"You come to the front door of the Golders Green block of flats. I am in flat number 32 on the 14th floor. At the front door, you'll see a big panel of buttons. With your elbow, Jason, you push button 32. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the lift is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"You're coming empty-handed?"

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August 8, 2005

THE OPTIMIST SEES THE BAGEL, THE PESSIMIST SEES THE H O L E .

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August 9, 2005

"Hello. Is this Miller?"

"No. This is the post office."

"Well, do you have the same number as the Millers?"

"No ..."

"Then why did you pick up the phone?"

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August 10, 2005

2005-08-10.jpg

If dogs could buy their own food ...

Premium Table Scaps

Tidbits from the Street

Predigested Morsels

Doggie Bags

Garbage Can Menu

Prime Roadkill

General Restorative Grass Park

General Restorative Grass Center Divider

General Restorative Grass Backyard

Edited by ShiningKnight

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August 11, 2005

A tourist asks the guide: "When does the Loch-Ness monster show up?"

"Usually after the fifth shot of whisky."

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August 12, 2005

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for twenty years she has served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

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August 13/14, 2005

The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses. Moses set down his load and raised his hands. "Friends," he said, "friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument I could think of - and I think I was successful. The good news: I brought Him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news: adultery is still in."

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August 15, 2005

Sign in front of a restaurant:

If you are over 80 and accompanied by your parents, we will cash your cheque.

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August 16, 2005

A Californian walked into the New York Public Library and asked the librarian where the self-help books were. She replied, "If I told you, it would defeat the whole purpose."

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August 17, 2005

2005-08-17.jpg

That's very thoughtful of you, Norbert, but I said I like horoscopes, not horror scoops!

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August 18, 2005

Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and slap the idiot upside the head.

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August 19, 2005

Salomon Kadisch used to say, "Death is no misfortune. Of course, it's better not to have been born in the first place. But hardly one person in a thousand has that kind of luck."

Edited by ShiningKnight

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August 20/21, 2005

Becky, Sadie and Laura are bragging about their sons. Becky says, "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in London." Sadie says, "My son has done better than that. He is the best doctor in London." Laura says, "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job and he is gay. But he has these two great boyfriends - one is the best lawyer in London and the other is the best doctor in London."

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August 22, 2005

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

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August 23, 2005

Sign outside a house:

TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF ONE GERMAN SHEPHERD

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