[TalonRider]

THIS is TRUE: 28 June 2009 Copyright This Is True
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PICTURE THIS: The magazine Paris Match announced its annual prize for student photojournalism. The winners, Guillaume Chauvin and Remi Hubert from the Strasbourg School of Decorative Arts, were handed their prize: a check for 5,000 euros (US$7,050), for their investigative report on student poverty. The magazine published the photos, showing how students had to resort to prostitution, or digging in the trash for food, to survive. "We pushed the cliches to the limit," Chauvin and Hubert said. "We thought the whole thing was so hackneyed that it could never win." The real subject of their project, they announced at the award ceremony, was to use staged photos "to call into question the inner workings of the attitude of the kind of media which portrays human distress with complacency and voyeurism." The "crestfallen" judges still managed to applaud, reporters say -- but Paris Match stopped payment on the prize check. "There was nothing in the rules of the competition to say that rigged photos were banned," Hubert told a reporter. (London Independent) ...No worries: the project should easily qualify to win the 10,000-euro Striking the Match Prize.

THIS DOESN'T REFLECT WELL ON THE TOWN: The Town Council in Indian Trail Town, N.C., is fed up with the town's mayor. Mayor John Quinn has been critical of the Council, and when he turned in his comments for the latest town newsletter, the Council declared them "whiny" and "horrible". Quinn's editorial "doesn't mention anything positive since the last newsletter went out," complained Councilman Dan Schallenkamp. In response, the Council has passed a resolution, voting 4-1 to ban the mayor from writing in the newsletter or posting on the town's official web site, saying only comments that "reflect well on the town" will be allowed. Further, Quinn is not allowed to communicate with any town employee unless he goes through the town manager, and the mayor cannot enter any non-public portion of town hall without the town manager's permission. (Charlotte Observer) ...Warning to Quinn: we've seen this behavior before, and the next step is them screaming "Off with his head!"

CRYSTAL BALLS CAN SOMETIMES PROVE FRAGILE: Chandrasiri Bandara, an astrologer in Sri Lanka, has been arrested by the state police. "He is being questioned over a political statement he made" in a reading, said Criminal Investigation Department spokesman Ranjith Gunasekara. Bandara, a popular astrology columnist in Sri Lankan newspapers, predicted political changes that President Mahinda Rajapaksa definitely wouldn't like. Family members say that police have been questioning him for three days -- so far. (Reuters) ...Boy: anybody should have been able to see THAT reaction coming.

CLEVER TACTIC: Police in Oak Ridge, Tenn., are investigating a coordinated robbery of a market. The first robber went in and got the clerk's attention by putting $2 on the counter. Then his partner dashed in with a gun and demanded money. The clerk complied -- by handing over the $2 the first robber put on the counter. Apparently satisfied, the men then ran. Investigators have no suspects yet. (Oak Ridger) ...But it's the police's job to know everyone in town who's that stupid.

TEA AND STRUMPETS: "Canterbury is Sufficiently Gay, Council Inspectors Rule" -- London Telegraph headline

[TalonRider]

THIS is TRUE: 5 July 2009 Copyright This Is True
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FREAK OF NOMENCLATURE, AUTOMOTIVE DIVISION: "I am a victim of the handling characteristics of the car," explained an attorney from Portland, Ore., to a judge in Clatsop County Court. The "prominent" lawyer brought a PowerPoint presentation to show why he should be found innocent of speeding when he passed a slow motor home. "I decided I was going to move from the last spot in this line to the first spot in this line," and punched the accelerator on his BMW 535xi, which goes from 0-60 mph in about 5.6 seconds. That's when he was able to "immediately perceive" he had gotten the attention of a state trooper, who cited him for driving 76 mph in a 55 zone, which he said was "a big disappointment." At the end of the two-hour trial, Clatsop County Circuit Court Judge Philip Nelson remained unimpressed and fined the attorney, C. Akin Blitz, $182. He had been cited by Trooper David Corkett. (Astoria Daily Astorian) ...C. Akin. C. Akin Blitz. Blitz, Akin, Blitz! C. Trooper Corkett. C. Judge Nelson Gavel "Guilty!" And C. Everyone Smile.

SAY WHAT? Dave Chapman doesn't know why he did it, though he admits he had been drinking with friends. The man from Waipopo, in Canterbury, New Zealand, decided to change clothes. He didn't find any clean underpants so, while wearing only a shirt, he looked in the dryer for a pair. He not only stuck his head inside the dryer, but also both arms -- and he got stuck. "I thought my undies were there, but obviously not," Chapman said later. "I was panicking because there was no air" in the still-hot machine. Then, "I fell over with it on my head" -- and that's how his friends found him, but they couldn't separate him from the dryer and called for rescue. Firemen, aided by a female police officer, managed to free him from the machine with nothing but bruises and a "smack on the swede." It was only after his rescue that he realized that the clothes in the dryer weren't his. (Timaru Herald) ...At least, that's how he explained the lingerie.

DECEIVING DIVERSITY: The city of Toronto, Ont., Canada, published a brochure on things to do around town. The "Fun Guide" showed a family having fun on the cover, but it was a family of "indeterminate ethnic background" -- the family "looks maybe Latino," said city spokesman Kevin Sack. To be more "inclusive," the city pasted a black man's face over the father figure. "You won't find a more inclusive organization than us," Sack said. (National Post) ...And black people are welcome to have fun in the city, as long as they only visit virtually.

BUCKLE DOWN: Police in West Hazleton, Penn., got a grant to set up special patrols under the "Buckle Up" program to enforce the state's seatbelt law. During a grant-sponsored crackdown, they noticed a speeding car, weaving from lane to lane without using turn signals. They stopped the driver, Ryan Neaus, 21, who told them he was speeding "because he was chasing the person who just robbed him of his Apple iPhone and three bags of marijuana," the resulting report says. Officers noticed a bong sitting on the front seat, and a search turned up multiple illegal drugs. Neaus was arrested on drug charges -- and failure to wear a seatbelt. (Wilkes Barre Times Leader) ...Investigators note that not using a seatbelt is a "gateway crime" to more serious offenses.

PROFESSIONAL COURTESY: "Critically Endangered Marsupial Leads Police to Missing Python" -- Western Australian headline

[TalonRider]

THIS is TRUE: 12 July 2009 Copyright This Is True
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SADDLE UP! Deborah Yvette Parker, 38, of Houston, Texas, is charged with manslaughter after accidentally shooting her common-law husband, Broderick Craig Crachian, 58, to death. "She loves him, and this is just a terrible accident," said Murray Newman, Parker's court-appointed attorney. Prosecutor Marcy McCorvey says Parker "did admit to being in possession of the handgun and using it as a toy during foreplay with the victim's acquiescence and request for it to be used in that manner." They were, Parker allegedly says, playing "Dirty Cowboy" when the gun accidentally went off. (Houston Chronicle) ...They were playing what?! Oohhhhh... Texas. Got it. Never mind: fully explained.

TRADE FOR A BOX OF ROCKS? Two men aged 26 and 31 thought they were getting a great deal. Three men sitting in a car in Braunschweig, Germany, showed them piles of laptop computers, mobile phones, and digital cameras. After negotiating for two laptops and several phones, the men handed over 620 euros (US$860), and ran off with a loaded satchel. "When the buyers wanted to proudly present their purchase to a friend, they found only potatoes in the bag," a police spokesman said, and realized they had been conned. (Der Spiegel) ..."Dumb as a sack of potatoes" personified.

REALLY GOT HER GOAT: Cooking spray doesn't help get goats out of trees. That's the lesson learned by Alysia Krafel, 59, of Red Bluff, Calif. Krafel arrived home to find "King George", her 215-pound goat, hanging from an oak tree by a hoof, after apparently climbing up in the tree to eat leaves. "I sprayed Pam all over everything to try and grease it," she said, but that didn't help him get free. Krafel and a neighbor had to cut the tree down to release the animal. A reporter asked her if the goat learned a lesson from the ordeal. Well no, she said -- "He's a goat." (Red Bluff Daily News) ...Dumb reporter! Why didn't he ask the goat directly?

500 CHANNELS, NOTHING'S ON: A homeowner in Zurich, Switzerland, called firefighters for help because her television was on fire. Crews raced to the house but found no smoke. Instead, they found that the elderly woman had tuned to a German station that showed a fire in a grate for people without a fireplace. "The fire was extinguished with the press of a button," authorities said -- they simply changed the channel. (AP) ...Please summon the police: I've just witnessed a murder!

WHO COULD HAVE FORESEEN THAT? "Man Charged with Twice Failing to Appear in Court Fails to Appear in Court" -- Portsmouth (N.H.) Herald headline

[TalonRider]

THIS is TRUE: 19 July 2009 Copyright This Is True
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SELECTIVE ENFORCEMENT: When Brad Young, 44, the softball coach at Walkersville (Maryland) High School, hosted an end-of-season party for his team, his house became an extension of Frederick County Public Schools property, the school district says. And since some of the parents brought beer to the party -- no students drank it, Young didn't have any, and no parents became inebriated -- the coach violated the district's "zero tolerance" drug-free, alcohol-free and tobacco-free policy for having alcohol on "school property" and has been fired. Young was a coach at the school for five years, and since he has another job as a financial planner, donated his school salary to his team -- buying them uniforms and jackets, equipment, and throwing parties. In that time he said he was never given a copy of the school policy that would have made his house school property because he was engaged in "official duties." Young says such a policy could apply just about anywhere. "The superintendent could be at a Chamber of Commerce meeting sitting next to someone with an alcoholic beverage," Young said. "She's there in her official capacity as school superintendent and she's representing the school system. Is she in violation of this policy and will she get fired?" A district spokeswoman refused to consider the scenario, saying only "I'm not going to interpret policy." (Frederick News-Post) ...Then I will: Yes, and No.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG? The information processing systems for the City of Los Angeles, Calif., are old and out of date, the city says. Records software and e-mail is slow and inadequate "Pac-Man-era technology," says the mayor's spokesman. So the city is considering a $7.25 million proposal to move its e-mail and records -- including arrest records and other sensitive data -- to Google. The online giant says other cities are thinking of using Google services too, and one has already made the switch: Washington D.C. (Los Angeles Times) ...Is that supposed to be comforting, or terrifying?

ANOTHER CAREER TRASHED: A man called police in Jeffersonville, Ind., to say that there was a man sleeping on his property -- inside his overturned trash can. It was no street bum: it was his next-door neighbor, Larry Wilder, police say. Wilder was apparently intoxicated, they say, but said no crime had been committed, and officers walked him home. Wilder is a private attorney on contract to represent the city and the local school district at $100 an hour; he has resigned both positions. "I can't tell you what happened. I wish I could," Wilder said later -- the last thing he remembered was celebrating with a client. He thinks he only had "three or four" drinks, and "I take responsibility for my conduct." He is upset that photos of him in the trash can were leaked to the media, and accuses the police of doing it. "I think the police officer who leaked the photos should only apologize to my kids," Wilder said, but "I would defend that police officer if any effort is taken to discipline him." (Jeffersonville News and Tribune) ...For $100 an hour.

AN INTERESTING CONCEPT OF GOOD AND EVIL: An unnamed man in Melbourne, Fla., called police to say he had been robbed. He told officers he had agreed to buy 2 ounces of marijuana for $550, but the dealer pulled a gun, took the cash, and didn't deliver the drugs. Police quickly found the dealer thanks to the victim's description, and arrested Michael Parda, 20, for the crime. "I didn't want to rob a good person," Parda allegedly told officers. "I didn't think a guy buying drugs would call the cops." (Florida Today) ...Then apparently, there are good people who use marijuana.

EASY DOES IT: "Jewel Gang Caught after Getaway Driver Refuses to Break Speed Limit" -- London Telegraph headline

[TalonRider]

THIS is TRUE: 26 July 2009 Copyright This Is True
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FRANKLY, A FREAK ACCIDENT: When Nick Krupp arrived at his home and saw that his house was severely damaged, he called the police. The responding officer knew what had happened. "He said, 'Man, you're not going to believe this even if I tell you'," Krupp said. Two women driving the 23-foot-long Oscar Mayer "Wienermobile" had crashed into his house. The women were heading to a public appearance for the hot-rodding hotdog when they made a wrong turn onto a dead-end street. The driver pulled into Krupp's driveway and the other woman got out to help her back up and turn around, but the driver hit the gas in forward, not reverse, and slammed the supercharged sausage into Krupp's house, located in Mt. Pleasant, Wisc. -- a suburb of Racine and just south of (yes!) Franksville. The foundation, deck, and garage door of Krupp's house suffered significant damage. One of the women "was almost starting to cry," a neighbor said. "She was getting emotional." (Racine Journal Times) ...Actually, her exact words were "This is the wurst day of my life!"

IF THEY WERE SORCERERS, YOU'D BE DEAD BY NOW: A meeting of Freemasons in Lautoka, Fiji, was interrupted "by a banging on the door and there were these village people and the police demanding to be let in," said an unnamed Mason from New Zealand who was present. The "dopey village people" had complained to police that the members of the secret society were engaged in "some strange goings-on" -- witchcraft and sorcery -- and police raided the lodge and arrested the 14 members present. After being held overnight, they were released on order of the Prime Minister. It was not reported whether the items the police confiscated -- "paraphernalia including wands, compasses and a skull" -- were returned. (New Zealand Herald) ...Funny, but that's the same list of items confiscated from the Harry Potter Fan Club meeting.

WHEN YOU PLAY WITH FIRE, YOU SOMETIMES GET BURNED: In 2005, Anthony Beninati of Los Angeles, Calif., attended his third Burning Man festival in the Nevada desert. The culmination of the multi-day festival each year is a gigantic bonfire, and in 2005 Beninati carried a photograph of a dead friend to burn. He walked 7 to 10 feet into the burning embers before dropping the photo, then stepped forward, going deeper into the fire, before tripping and falling. He was badly burned -- and sued the festival organizers. When the suit was tossed by the trial court, he appealed. But the state appeals court unanimously refused to reinstate the suit. "By continuing to walk into the fire, Beninati assumed the risk that he might trip and fall," the court ruled. "The risk of falling and being burned by the flames or hot ash was inherent, obvious and necessary to the event." (San Francisco Chronicle) ...And from that tiny seed of common sense, a mighty tree will grow. But you can count on someone trying to burn it down.

ANOTHER FINE MESS HE'S GOTTEN HIMSELF INTO: A conservation officer from the Indiana Department of Natural Resources stopped a boater on the Geist Reservoir at 11:00 p.m. for failing to have working navigational lights. The boater "repeatedly" told the DNR officer he was a police officer and demanded "professional courtesy," the DNR officer said, but he gave a citation to Adam Goldstein, 37, anyway. Allegedly angered, Goldstein went home, changed into his Lawrence Township police officer uniform -- he was in training as an unpaid reserve officer -- grabbed a squad car from the station, and drove it to the Geist Marina to confront the DNR officer. The officer arrested Goldstein for public intoxication. Prosecutors have added other charges, including drunk driving in the squad car, and, because he was still in training and not yet commissioned as a police officer, falsely presenting himself as a police officer "with the intent to mislead and induce [police] to submit to official authority" -- a felony punishable by up to 3 years in prison. Goldstein has been fired by the Fortville Police Dept., but he still has a fall-back position: despite his legal troubles he remains on the Lawrence Township School Board. "We will let due process run its course before we decide anything," the Board president said. (Indianapolis Star) ...Good plan: this is a great "teachable moment" for the district's students.

AND THAT, MY DEAR, IS WHY WE MUST HIRE A PROFESSIONAL: "Man Fell into Lake, Drowned While Doing Yard Work" -- Bloomington (Ill.) Pantagraph headline

[TalonRider]

THIS is TRUE: 2 August 2009 Copyright This Is True
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NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED: Frank Hatley, 50, failed to pay child support in the state of Georgia. But he was no deadbeat dad: the child in question wasn't his. Worse: the special assistant state attorney general knew that, and the judge in the case knew it too. Hatley tried valiantly to pay the state the money it said he owed. Even after he lost his job and was homeless, he gave the state a portion of his unemployment benefits -- even though DNA tests proved the boy wasn't his. Once the DNA test results came in, Cook County Superior Court Judge Dane Perkins ruled Hatley didn't have to pay future support costs, but ordered he continue paying toward what he owed from before the tests came in. After paying at least $9,500 toward the debt, Hatley fell behind in the payments when he lost his job; Judge Perkins ordered Hatley to jail. After more than a year, the sheriff where Hatley was jailed finally asked a lawyer to represent him, and with her help Hatley has been freed. Once the story hit newspapers the state asked Judge Perkins to waive the old debt, but he has not yet ruled. (Atlanta Journal-Constitution) ...Let's go for real justice: Judge Perkins should pay it out of his state salary.

TAKEN FOR A RIDE: Cindy June Dilts, 34, of Comox Valley, B.C., Canada, was prohibited from driving because she had too many passengers in her car on a restricted license. Her reasoning? She had to drive, she told the judge, because everyone else was too drunk. Dilts still lost her license. She still didn't have a license when she was stopped again recently. She was driving, the court was told, because "she was the only sober one in the group." A sympathetic Judge Peter Doherty sentenced her to 14 days in jail and a C$300 (US$275) fine -- the minimum allowed under province law. (Comox Valley Echo) ...Maybe she should work on finding some better friends.

EVERYTHING'S BIG IN TEXAS: "They didn't know how much money was in the safe," said Euless, Texas, police Lt. John Williams about a house burglary. "But once they opened it, they hit the mother lode." The burglars got $59,000 in cash from the safe and got away, but Christopher Norman, the 18-year-old man who allegedly pulled the off heist, couldn't keep his mouth shut: he bragged about it so much that another man tried to rob him of the loot. At least 10 shots were fired in the resulting shootout. Norman survived the robbery attempt, but police tied him to the burglary and arrested him. "He went through a lot of that money," Williams said, "because we were able to find just $24,000." (Fort Worth Star-Telegram) ...A typical big dummy: he has a big mouth and is a big spender.

LOVE THY NEIGHBOR: The Church of England has published new guidelines urging that worshippers with "special needs" should be particularly welcomed in church to counter intimidation they have felt in the past. The church says that 90 percent of people who come to a church don't return because other worshippers are so unfriendly. The church identified the "special needs" group as the blind, the deaf, short people, breast-feeding mothers, bald people (who could suffer "trouble from those overhead radiant heaters some churches have unwittingly installed"), and those who read tabloid newspapers. (London Telegraph) ...Especially when they bring the paper to church, open to Page 3.

BETTER GO BACK TO DRINKING, THEN: "Anti-Anxiety Drugs Raise New Fears" -- Washington Post headline

[TalonRider]

THIS is TRUE: 9 August 2009 Copyright This Is True
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THIS IS WHY THERE'S A RULE: Donna Munson, 74, fed dog food to bears around her mountain home near Ouray, Colo., despite 10 years of pleas from state officials to stop. "It got to the point where she never opened her door for us, allowed us on her property or answered her phone," a state Department of Wildlife spokesman said. Munson even built a wire fence around her porch so she could hand food through it directly to the bears. Munson's handyman arrived to find her outside her home -- being eaten by a bear. Responding sheriff's deputies killed it, but Munson was already dead. Several other aggressive bears in the area have had to be killed this summer, and wildlife officials say they'll likely have to kill about a dozen more: they've lost their natural feeding instincts and instead approach humans when they're hungry. "More bears are going to be killed because of what this woman did," said an angry local. "It's a bad situation, and people are not happy about it." (Ouray Plaindealer, Denver Post) ...A fed bear is a dead bear.

PAPER OR PLASTIC? Even though Roger Griffiths of Mapua, New Zealand, had been a customer of his bank for 25 years, and even though he had NZ$190,000 (US$128,000) in savings, the bank turned him down for an $80,000 mortgage when he tried to buy a new house. "If they don't have the trust in me after 25 years, there's a problem" for Westpac bank, he said. So Griffiths demanded his $190,000 -- in cash. After tellers counted out the entire amount in $20 bills, Griffiths took the money to the Nelson Building Society and put it on deposit there. But the NBS had no use for so much cash, so it took it over to the bank they do business with -- Westpac. (Nelson Mail) ...Yes, well, it's the protest that counts.

THEY'VE BEEN CLEANING UP FOR YEARS: Gary Pivoda, 48, a janitor for the state of New York, allegedly charged the state at least 250 hours of overtime while he smoked pot and slept in a "man cave" inside a garage in Albany. The hideaway, furnished with couches, a refrigerator, a TV with DVD player, and drug paraphernalia, has been used for at least five years, state officials say. Why didn't his boss know? Supervisor Louis Marciano, 50, allegedly charged at least 919 hours of overtime doing the exact same thing, according to the state's Inspector General. Both were suspended after the "cave" was raided by state agents. Marciano's attorney rejected the charges as "overblown," saying the spot was merely a "break room" -- needed because "that crew worked long hours." (Albany Times-Union) ...Of all people, an attorney should know that "charged for long hours" isn't the same thing as "worked long hours."

NICE TRY: A man identified only by his surname, Park, arranged for a date with a woman through a matchmaking agency in Seoul, South Korea. On their first date, Park, 32, finally persuaded the woman to let him demonstrate his profession on her: he's a hypnotist. The woman finally relented and, once in a trance, Park told her, "Black hole! You will plunge deeper into a trance. You will feel thrilled all over your body and if my hand touches your body, you will feel intense pleasure." He then tried to kiss her, but the 27-year-old woman shoved him away, went to the police, and pressed sexual harassment charges. Park was fined 3 million won (US$2,453). (AP) ...Typical man: they think women will fall under some sort of spell on a first date, when in reality most go into it with their eyes wide open.

SEE? I TOLD YOU IT WAS ALL HER FAULT! "Evaluation Ordered for Woman Accused of Biting Marriage Mediator" -- Portsmouth (N.H.) Herald headline

[TalonRider]

THIS is TRUE: 16 August 2009 Copyright This Is True
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AUTO NEUROTIC: Coggin Pontiac, a car dealer in Jacksonville, Fla., was a bit suspicious of a check that a woman wrote for a new $70,000 car -- the check identified the account holders as "Mr. and Mrs. Jesus and Emma Christ". The dealer called the woman's bank, which said the check was not valid, so their next call was to the Jacksonville Sheriff's Office. Deputies found Emma Kim-Tashis Harrison, 25, had multiple credit cards in her purse, some in her name, and others bearing the name Emma Christ. She insisted she had the money to back the check, since she owns "a traveling Web site that people just deposit money into." Deputies arrested her on felony fraud charges. (Jacksonville Times-Union) ...It's unclear which is crazier: that anyone would "just deposit money" into her web site, or that anyone would want a $70,000 Pontiac.

AUTO EROTIC: Shoppers in Albuquerque, N.M., say they spotted a man in the parking lot of a grocery store with his pants around his ankles, "humping" the back end of his own car while waving his arms around and shouting. Police arrived to find Danny Brawner, 46, asleep next to the car. He was arrested and charged with aggravated indecent exposure -- a felony, because children witnessed the event. (KRQE-TV Albuquerque) ...And seeing that screws up their concept of where cars really come from -- the government!

COTTON TO IT: Cotton On Kids, a New Zealand clothing store chain, is refusing to pull a line of baby clothing with sayings on them after calls from "child advocates." The slogans include "I'm Living Proof My Mum Is Easy", "The Condom Broke" and "Mummy Likes it on Top". A store spokeswoman said few shoppers have been offended, and most are finding the line amusing. (New Zealand Herald) ...No problem: we're not teaching kids to read anymore anyway.

KNUCKLE SANDWICH, TO GO: When a 5'-11" robber weighing 235 pounds hit a Subway sandwich shop in Houston, Texas, the gal behind the counter wouldn't have any of it. "When the register opened, he lunged over and grabbed it," said clerk Yava Matthews. "My initial response was to hit him. So I hit him." The shocked robber fell back against a wall, but then realized he had the cash drawer in his hands and made a break for the door. "I jumped over the counter and then jumped on him," Matthews said. "A lot of people were standing around and I told them to give me something. Somebody brought me some handcuffs, so I got him and I handcuffed him." But the robber still struggled until someone handed her a Taser. "I am Tasing him and he says, 'I can't breathe. I can't breathe'," Matthews remembered. "I said, 'If you can talk to me, you can breathe. So be quiet before I Taser you again." At that, the robber started to cry, and about then police arrived and arrested Tracy Armstead, 29, for attempted robbery. (KHOU-TV Houston) ....He's 5'-11" and 235 pounds? You know, Subway has a wide variety of low-cal, low-fat choices.

BUT HEY, LET'S NOT RUSH INTO ANYTHING: "Texas Will Soon Make Sure That Competent Lawyers Handle Death-Row Appeals" -- Houston Chronicle headline

[Ricky]

These are all priceless. I love weird news.

[TalonRider]

THIS is TRUE: 23 August 2009 Copyright This Is True
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CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR: Mytchell Mora, 39, a self-described "freelance entertainment news producer," admits he broke the law: the West Hollywood, Calif., man has gone to Cuba four times, and has even brought back goods from there, in violation of the long-standing federal ban. On the most recent trip he even had his passport stamped, and pointed that out to U.S. Immigration officials when he returned. "I am just so surprised nothing happened to me," he lamented -- the entire point was to get arrested so he could challenge the ban in court. A spokesman for U.S. Customs and Border Protection says his agency doesn't arrest people for violating travel bans: they just report the fact to the U.S. Treasury Department's Office of Foreign Assets Control, and it's up to them to prosecute, if desired. "What can you really do," Mora fumed, "when you're saying, 'take me to jail or give me a ticket,' and they do nothing to you?" (AP) ...Well, you can try coming up with a new and more compelling freelance entertainment news story idea.

PERFECT LANDING: Noel Atkins, 65, the mayor of Worthing, West Sussex, U.K., is afraid of heights, so it was a big gesture to do a parachute jump for charity. As the plane gained altitude, he sat in the doorway, "thinking 'how on earth did I ever get myself in this position?'," he said later. Atkins also thought his choice of lunch -- a greasy bacon sandwich -- wasn't the best idea either, but when the time came, he jumped. "It was a very comfy, soft landing," he said -- "in the biggest cow pat you can imagine." (Hollingbury Argus) ...In other words, it was bull.

THEIR SPECIAL DAY: "The officers on the scene said most of the people were intoxicated," explained Huntley (Ill.) Police Chief John Perkins, after officers responded to a melee at a wedding reception at a home in the town. "Different people started arguing and it got personal," with the bride's family on one side and the groom's family on the other. "There was a lot of pushing, shoving and yelling." After officers got things settled down, the groom, Sean Kelly, 26, said he needed to get something from the trunk of his car. As officers watched, he opened the trunk to reveal a half-dozen weapons. Officers immediately stepped in and arrested Kelly, who had previously had his right to own firearms revoked. He faces felony weapons charges and is being held on $50,000 bail. "The honeymoon is being delayed," Perkins said. (Chicago Sun-Times) ...It's always a good idea to take guns away from grooms: you wouldn't want accidental discharge on their wedding night.

YEAH, SHE COULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH THIS: When Megan T. Cullop, 33, and her 12-year-old son were allegedly caught trying to shoplift a shopping cart-full of merchandise from a Wal-Mart store in Elizabethton, Tenn., they were allowed to leave once the cart was secured in the store's customer service area. The next day, Cullop went back and allegedly sent her son in to retrieve the cart. The boy was apprehended trying to
leave the store with the cart, and this time, they called the police. By the time officers arrived, Cullop had fled -- leaving the boy behind. An officer found Cullop a short distance away, and she was arrested and charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, child neglect, theft over $500, drug possession, and driving with a revoked license after a previous conviction for driving under the influence. (Kingsport Times News) ...I can't think of anything more amusing than the actual cart contents: "several shower curtains, a large number of bath and hand towels, bath rugs and mats, pillows, poster frames, posters, candles and a bottle of Kaopectate."

HOLD STILL: "Police: Drunken Driver Hits Drunken Driving Enforcement Officer" -- Austin (Texas) American-Statesman headline

[TalonRider]

THIS is TRUE: 6 September 2009 Copyright This Is True
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ONE FELON, TO GO: Alonzo C. Rucker, 18, looked a bit suspicious when he entered the Quotes Bar & Grill in Janesville, Wisc. -- he was wearing a bandana around his face and reaching into his pants as if he had a weapon there. Robbing the place was a bad idea: he had followed four men in the front door, all off-duty police officers, and more than a dozen other off-duty cops were already in the bar. When an officer turned around and noticed Rucker, he quickly tackled him, and was aided by other officers. Rucker was held until on-duty officers arrived to take him to jail. A surveillance video shows the first officer never even put his beer down. (Janesville Gazette) ...Of course not: he knew he'd be thirsty in a minute.

GOT A LIGHT? Police stop to talk to known propane "huffer", who lights a cigarette during their interview and...

GOT ANOTHER LIGHT? Woman fills up gas can that's sitting on the seat INSIDER HER CAR -- and then uses a lighter to see how full it is...

GET ON YOUR KNEES: The Catholic Truth Society, a Roman Catholic publishing company based in London, England, has released a special prayer to help couples "purify their intentions" before they have sex. The prayer is the society's response to "those caught up in a culture that rejects the indissolubility of marriage and openly mocks the commitment of spouses to fidelity." (London Telegraph) ...All the Catholic girls I've ever known always said a prayer AFTER sex.

NEXT TIME, SLEEP IT OFF IN THE CLOSET: Police in Boulder, Colo., are investigating how a drunk 20-year-old woman ended up outside the apartment she was visiting. The unnamed woman had been put to bed by her older sister who "believed her sister was not heavily intoxicated" but, when the older sister came back to check on her, found the 20-year-old was gone. About that time an ambulance arrived on a report of a woman lying in the grass near a window screen. Police say they figure the drunk woman rolled off her bed and out the fifth-storey window of the apartment. Officers said she had drunk "a couple of tequila shots, at least two lemonade vodka drinks and probably a couple of beers" before the incident, and "sustained serious bodily injury." (Colorado Daily) ...Yeah, tequila often makes people hurt all over.


STING OPERATION: Sheriff's deputies in Faulkner County, Ark., responded to a residence on Billy Goat Mountain on a report that a man riding an ATV had stolen various items from a shed. When the resident confronted the burglar, he fled -- and crashed the ATV into a bee hive. The burglar then abandoned the ATV and set off into the woods on foot. Deputies found a stolen tractor nearby: it had apparently been the burglar's first vehicle, but the thief had gotten it stuck between two trees. The ATV also turned out to have been stolen. Deputies found the man nearby, lying unconscious, foaming at the mouth, and barely breathing after being stung by 50-100 bees. After hospital treatment Rickey Dale Ford, 46, who lives on Nanny Goat Lane, was booked on multiple felony theft counts. (Conway Log Cabin Democrat) ...And why did he turn to crime? Because it's so much easier than working for a living.

THE CRY OF A DESPERATE MAN: Bank robber has a desperate plea: get him away from his wife!

HACK ATTACK: Robber chokes cab driver, who then crashes into a church -- and then it gets weird.... You can still read all the stories that are

PUT YOUR HANDS UP, AND PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN! "Police Say Search Dog Found Stolen Meat in Man's Pants" -- Framingham (Mass.) MetroWest Daily News headline

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PLUGGED IN: The attempted theft of the giant plastic chili pepper on the roof of the Chili's restaurant in Bennington, Vt., was thwarted -- all police had to do was follow the extension cord. It stretched 470 feet from an electrical outlet in the parking lot of a Home Depot store, across the four traffic lanes of Route 67, across Chili's parking lot, and to the roof. Three woman and a man, all in their 20s, used it to power a hack saw and a drill. "They really didn't plan it," said police Sgt. Camillo Grande. "One of their friends had an eye on the chili and they got together last night and decided they were going to get it for the friend." The squad of four chili-heads, who were all cited for grand theft, hadn't really thought carefully about what to do next, Grande said. They brought an SUV to transport the 5x10-foot pepper, but "I'm not sure how it was going to fit," he said. "It's a pretty large chili." (Rutland Herald) ...And probably about as spicy as the restaurant's food.

SITUATION LEADS TO WRATH: "I was really taken aback because there were people who knew me there," said Bollywood star Shah Rukh Khan, but the actor was detained at the airport in Newark, N.J., by U.S. immigration officials. Timothy Roemer, the U.S. Ambassador to India, said later that Khan is a "very welcome guest" in the U.S. and a "global icon." But, Khan said, "They kept on telling me that my name is common to some name that has popped up on the computer, so they need to follow procedure." He was not allowed to leave until the Indian embassy intervened to vouch for him. (CNN) ...The problem: the Captain of the Immigration Squad, James T. Kirk, was sure he had exiled Khan to Ceti Alpha V.


FINDERS KEEPERS: "He just said he thought he'd try it," said North Bend, Ore., police Chief Steve Scibelli. "See if he could pull this off. High risk, low reward." The reward: Robert Lloyd Finder, 26, allegedly burgled the police station, taking two Tasers and a police radio, and making his escape in a squad car. Finder was caught when he tried to sell the Tasers, so now he faces the risk: he has been charged with burglary, possession of burglary tools, theft, unlawful use of a motor vehicle, unlawful entry into a motor vehicle, criminal mischief, criminal trespass, tampering with physical evidence, and -- for leaving the squad car parked on a railroad track, inside a tunnel -- reckless driving. "I'm so upset about it, I can't even find any humor in it," Scibelli said. (Eugene Register-Guard) ...No worries, Chief: you do your job, I'll do mine.

GUN SHOW, TEXAS STYLE: Police in Round Rock, Texas, were called to a restaurant on a report of a waitress out front -- with an assault rifle. When officers arrived, they found that five sheriff's deputies from Midland, 350 miles away, who were in town for training, had given the rifle to the waitress, known as "Bambi", for photos of her sitting on their patrol car. "We take a lot of pictures here, you know what I'm saying," said Sam Baiocco, manager of "Twin Peaks", where waitresses wear halter tops and short-shorts. The county attorney declined to press charges against the officers, but one was fired, three were suspended without pay, and the other was reprimanded. "At no point at any time was anyone in any danger because we took proper precaution," said Vanda "Bambi" Purvis, 25. "Besides, I know how to use that gun." (Austin American Statesman) ...And had the officers gone to the training class, maybe they would have known how too.

SO THAT'S WHERE THE KIDS LEARN IT: "New Mexico Driving Teacher Charged with Drunk Driving" -- AP headline

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LIES, FALSEHOODS -- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? "My campaign is not based on a foundation of lies," said Antwon Womack, 21, a candidate for the Board of Education in Birmingham, Ala. "My values are not lies. It's just the information I provided to the people is false." Many key facts on his campaign web site were li-- ...uh... false: his age (he said he was 23), his bachelor's degree in education and his title of "Dr." (he actually dropped out of high school -- as a freshman), even his address (he didn't actually live in the district where he was running) and phone number. Womack said he was running for the Board "because I seen a lack of leadership," but the revelation of his lies -- er, falsehoods -- "is really going to hurt my political career," he said. Womack announced he would drop out of the race "because when people read this, there's no way I can win." But he reneged on that promise, saying that two local politicians were supportive of him staying in the race. Both denied supporting him and demanded he stop using their names. Womack came in third with just 117 votes. (Birmingham News) ...Knowing area voters, I'd guess that the guy who came in fourth was probably the most qualified.

BAD NANNY: When a woman dropped her Chevy Malibu off at a repair shop in Winona, Minn., she told the mechanic, "Oh, by the way, I have a goat in my trunk." James Prusci figured he didn't hear her right. "A what?" he asked. "Yes, a goat. And it's alive," she said, and left the shop. "We cracked open the trunk, you know, so it could breathe," Prusci said. The goat -- painted purple and gold, the colors for the Minnesota Vikings -- had a number "4" shaved in its sides. The jersey of Brett Favre, who is playing for the Vikings after un-retiring again, bears the number 4. Prusci called animal control for advice, and they sent the police. Prosecutors are considering charges against Janelle Riopel, 21, for animal mistreatment, and a local farmer has adopted the goat. (Winona Daily News) ...Riopel may have made a goat out of Brett Farve, but she made an ass out of herself.

HOW ABOUT A HAIR SHIRT, TOO? A policeman in Helsingborg, Sweden, stopped when he noticed two men tussling on the sidewalk. "We've just swapped trousers," one explained. No way, the other said: he was walking down the street when the 26-year-old jumped him, yanked off his pants, and tossed a pair of sweatpants at him in exchange. The officer determined that the assailant had been refused entry at a nearby pub because he wasn't properly dressed, and apparently decided that the passing victim wore the right size for him. The unnamed man was made to swap the pants back, and then arrested for theft. (Sweden Local) ...If you think that's weird, you should see him AFTER he's had a few drinks.

COMPULSORY FLORIDA STORY: The headline alone is attention-getting: "Woman Arrested for Using Air Freshener". The parties were not named, but a woman called police because a neighbor objected to her smoking, and demonstrated that by spraying the back of her head with air freshener for almost a full minute (Glade Potpourri brand, if you must know). The assailant allegedly said, "I will do it again, and take it to the Supreme Court because I have the right to breathe fresh air," the police report said. Officers arrested her for battery. The town in Florida? Niceville. (Northwest Florida Daily News) ...Next stop: Smackover, Arkansas.

DOGS DON'T GO TO HEAVEN: "Atheists Offer to Care for Christians' Pets after the Rapture" -- London Telegraph headline

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YEAH, THAT'LL WORK: Wikler Moran-Mora, 38, sent a middle-of-the-night text message to his wife: he had been kidnaped, he said. "Don't call, take it easy, they said they will let me go," he told her. When the Tampa, Fla., woman said she was calling police, he quickly replied that he had been let go. Too late: the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office tracked down his phone and discovered Moran-Mora, a pastor at the Christ Our Righteousness Chapel, had faked the incident as cover, since he was with another woman, a sheriff's spokesman said. He was arrested and charged with making a false report. "We are fine now," Moran-Mora said the next day. "It was a mistake, and everything is solved between us." (Tampa Tribune, WFTS-TV) ...Mistake: a given. Everything is already "fine" and "solved" with his wife: excessively optimistic.

IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME: "Young urban artists will have a chance to show off their work to their peers and influence the recreational space they use," said the press release by the city of Calgary, Alta., Canada. The Shaw Millennium skateboard park needed "art" to spruce up its bare walls, city administrators thought, and figured it would take three months to complete a mural. They even provided the paint. Two days later, the entire park was covered in paint -- even the insides of the restrooms. "They destroyed the fricking park," said Alderman John Mar. "They graffitied the hell out of it. They tagged the entire fricking park!" It was estimated it will cost C$30,000-60,000 (US$27,500-55,000) to clean it all up. "It did get out of hand, but they should have expected that -- no one was watching or supervising," said a local who uses the park. "What did they think would happen?" (Calgary Sun) ...Local bureaucrats "think"? Funny man!

FREAK OF NOMENCLATURE, NARCOTICS DIVISION: After an 8-month investigation, undercover detectives in Darlington, Fla., arrested a couple allegedly responsible for the manufacture and distribution of a "large supply" of crystal meth in northwest Florida and southeast Alabama. Arrested were Jason Clayborn Hughes, 40, and his girlfriend, Crystal Beth Williams, 21. (Panama City News Herald) ...Hughes called Crystal Beth "uniquely qualified" for the partnership.

HIS HOBBY STINKS: Four years ago, Gary Moody was found wearing waders, hip-deep in the waste pit of a ladies outhouse in New Hampshire's White Mountain National Forest. Moody said he was searching for his wife's lost wedding ring, but investigators didn't buy it and filed charges. A federal judge spared him jail, ordering him to get psychiatric treatment instead. Recently a camper in Maine, a few miles from the New Hampshire border, said that she went into a pit-toilet restroom and "a man popped up out of the hole leading to the waste vault," according to court papers. "The man [said], 'Sorry about that, I was getting my shirt.'" Sure enough, it was Moody, now 47, who faces three new federal charges. Moody admits he never got the ordered psychiatric treatment and has waded in outhouses "on more than the two occasions when he happened to get caught," an investigator says, but "expressed anger toward society because of how he was treated after he was found in the pit of a national forest outhouse in 2005," causing him to suffer "extreme embarrassment." (New Hampshire Union Leader) ...But apparently not enough to stop doing it. Let's hope he's embarrassed enough this time.

MA'AM, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST: "Woman Didn't Smell like Alcohol, but Car Smelled like Hamburger" -- Northwest Florida Daily News

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ZERO TOLERANCE, CAREGIVER DIVISION: The first Sally Harpold knew there was a problem was when sheriff's deputies showed up at her home in Clinton, Ind., with a warrant for her arrest. But the evidence was clear: four months before, her husband had gotten a cold, and she went to the drugstore and got him some over-the-counter cold medicine. A few days later her daughter caught the cold, so Harpold stopped at another drugstore and got her some medicine too. Once the purchase paperwork was matched up, authorities realized she had committed the crime of buying 3.6 grams of pseudoephedrine, an ingredient of crystal meth, but also a common decongestant for runny noses. "The law does not make this distinction," says Vermillion County Prosecutor Nina Alexander. "I'm simply enforcing the law as it was written." State law limits purchases to 3.0 grams in any 7-day period. Harpold was taken away in handcuffs, and her local newspaper ran her mug shot on the front page with the headline, "17 Arrested in Drug Sweep". She faces up to 60 days in jail and a $500 fine. "It's unfortunate," said Vigo County Sheriff Jon Marvel, whose deputies made the arrest. "But for the good of everyone, the law was put into effect." (Terre Haute Tribune-Star) ...Not "everyone" agrees, sheriff.

ZERO TOLERANCE, BABYSITTER DIVISION: Lisa Snyder lives near a school bus stop in Middleville, Mich. A couple of neighbors need to head for work before the bus arrives, so Snyder said she would be happy to keep an eye on their kids until the bus arrives. But when the Michigan Department of Human Services heard about it, they ordered her to stop: watching someone else's kids makes her home an "unlicensed daycare facility" in the state's eyes. To comply with its rules, she must apply for a license to watch the kids -- even though she doesn't charge anything. "It's crazy," Snyder said. "I'm just helping out a couple of friends." She asked State Rep. Brian Calley for help, but when he called DHS they told him to bug off. He has promised legislation to deal with the problem. (Kalamazoo Gazette) ...Hopefully he'll make it retroactive to help the hundreds of 16-year-olds who are already doing hard time.

DUHTENTION AGAIN? A bomb threat called in to an answering machine at the Bundaberg State High School in Queensland, Australia, resulted in the evacuation of 75 classrooms full of students. But it was fairly easy for authorities to trace the call: the caller asked school officials to phone him back to confirm they got the message -- and left his number. Aaron James Jackson, 21, a former student at the school, left his real number, but denied making the threat until police played the tape with his voice on it. (Bundaberg News Mail) ...Of course, "former student" is different from "graduate" -- I hope.

BONNE CHANCE: French essayist Francois de Closets has issued a new book, "Zero Faute" ("No Fault"), calling for the French language to be simplified. He said he was so dejected by low marks in school that he nearly didn't attend university. As debate over the book's suggestions raged, the country's new education minister, Luc Chatel, decided to weigh in via press release. Journalists who received the release say it has "dozens" of spelling and grammar errors. When word got out, reporters who weren't on the distribution list called for souvenir copies of their own, but were told there would be a delay because "a few changes" were being made to it first. (London Telegraph) ...C'est la vie.

I THINK SHE HAS HAD ENOUGH: "Fort Pierce Woman Throws Table Leg Through Window, Chokes Boyfriend When He Won't Buy Her More Natural Ice Beer, Police Say" -- Fort Pierce (Fla.) Tribune headline

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FREAK OF NOMENCLATURE, DELIVERY DIVISION: A UPS delivery driver was arrested in Daytona Beach, Fla., after allegedly stealing $53,000 worth of expensive sunglasses he was supposed to deliver, selling them to friends because he "needed the money," police said. His name: Brandon Loser, 21. (Daytona Beach News-Journal) ...Add in UPS and their client, and there's nothing but Losers all around.

JOY RIDE: Two San Juan County, N.M., sheriff's deputies were dispatched to a report of a drinking party beside a rural state highway. When they arrived they found cars, a campfire, plenty of empty bottles, but no people. As the deputies headed back to their cars, one pushed the "unlock" button on his key fob as he approached his still-running squad car, and "it was instantaneous from when he hit the remote to the car door opening," Undersheriff Mark McCloskey said. Someone who had been hiding in the bushes jumped into the car and sped off. The car's dash camera shows it was driven at high speeds down dirt roads for about two minutes before being abandoned. Matthew Anderson, 21, who deputies found walking nearby, allegedly admitted he had taken the car because "he thought it would be fun." (Farmington Daily Times) ...If he thinks that two minutes was fun, wait'll he tries 11 months in the county lockup.

HE'S JUST NOT HIMSELF THESE DAYS: Police in Regina, Sask., Canada, had a warrant for the arrest of David William McKay, 28, and went to a house looking for him. The man who answered the door matched McKay's description, but the man insisted he wasn't McKay, but admitted knowing him: McKay was "a badass," he said. The man said his name is Matthew -- but was unable to spell that name. When an officer pointed out that the man had the name "David McKay" tattooed across his back, the man still insisted he wasn't McKay. Officers arrested him anyway. It was McKay, and he was given 45 days in jail for obstructing police. (Regina Leader-Post) ...Of course, he probably can't spell "David" either.

OVERDRIVE: Police in Italy are showing off their special police car: a Lamborghini, which they're driving to Amsterdam for a demonstration for Dutch emergency services. The car is the third of its kind donated by the manufacturer, and is capable of pursuits at speeds of up to 325 kph (202 mph). An onboard camera system can record images of speeders, and a GPS-enabled computer system records speeds second by second. And there's one other special feature: a "cold box" specifically designed for human organs. (AP) ...Because while someone may be able to outrun a Lamborghini, no one can outrun a Beretta.

THERE WERE *NINE* STORIES in this week's Premium edition, including another "Freak of Nomenclature" item (Gun Safety Division). Shoplifter gives such a preposterous excuse that the flabbergasted clerk just watches as she walks out to her car and drives away. Another(!) case of a couple found by police having sex in a trash dumpster! Burglar is fairly easy to track down: he's wearing a high-visibility fluorescent bib. Zero Tolerance in real life: field test of "crystals" in woman's purse DON'T fail drug test, but cop arrests her anyway -- for possession of an "imitation controlled substance". AND the results of the October Tagline Challenge. Quit missing half (or more!) of the best part: the stories. A full year of expanded issues is just $24: http://thisistrue.com/upgrade.html -- or check out the SPECIAL offer below!

MUMPH? "Not Your Garden Variety 'Weedeater': Woman Arrested after Trying to Eat Pot During Traffic Stop" -- Sheboygan (Wisc.) Press headline

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SO THERE: Racing fans descending on the Bathurst 1000 four-day auto race in New South Wales, Australia, were getting out of hand, so a strict limit on alcohol was imposed: each attendee was restricted to 24 cans of full-strength beer, or 36 cans of mid-strength or light beer -- per day. Those who don't drink beer could bring either 24 cans of pre-mixed cocktails, or 4 liters of wine, per day. (Australian AP) ...So for once, race fans had a good reason to bring their youngsters along.

CHEESECAKE: Eric Brewer, 55, mayor of East Cleveland, Ohio, was incensed when a local TV station aired photos purportedly of him in various poses wearing women's lingerie and a wig. He was particularly upset that the photos hit just before the election, where he was running to retain his seat, but Brewer would not admit or deny that the photos were of him. After the election -- which he lost by a 2-1 margin -- he admitted in a TV interview, "That is me in those pictures." When the interviewer commented, "No offense, but you weren't the best-looking woman," Brewer replied, "To the lady I was with, I looked great. We had a good time." (Cleveland Plain Dealer) ...Had he had the guts to say that before the election, he might have been re-elected.

THE STATE ALWAYS WINS: During a court appearance, Paul W. Lyle, 63, learned he won the grand prize in the Kansas Lottery "second chance" drawing, with a prize package worth about $90,000. But he won't collect: Lyle was in court in Crawford County, Mo., for a preliminary hearing for embezzlement. Lyle pleaded guilty to stealing $87,750 from his employer to fuel his addiction to state lottery tickets -- his boss found $30,457 worth of losing scratch-off lottery tickets in his desk. Lyle agreed to sign over the prize as part of his restitution for his theft, but the prize won't cover it all, since Kansas withholds part of the money won for taxes. (Joplin Globe) ...Can he take a deduction for the 30,457 losing tickets?

ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD: "Can you hurry this up?" demanded Trammel Bledsoe, 30, interrupting U.S. District Judge Lawrence F. Stengel. "I don't have time for this." Bledsoe was in Stengel's Allentown, Penn., courtroom for sentencing after being convicted of two bank robberies. "Just sentence me and let me go [about] my business." Stengel called a brief recess, and then came back and issued his sentence: 41 years in prison. (Allentown Morning Call) ...I'll bet he won't be satisfied, and will be in a hurry to get out, too.

SORRY -- IT MAKES ME A BIT GASSY: "Bag of Cocaine 'Shot Out' of Suspect's Body at St. Lucie County Gas Station When He Relaxed, Deputies Say" -- Fort Pierce (Fla.) Tribune headline

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OLIVER TWISTED: Colton Harris-Moore, 18, is suspected in around 50 burglaries around the Seattle, Wash., metropolitan area in the last 18 months. He's also a fugitive after escaping from a halfway house after one of his many convictions. Whenever a burglary victim -- or the police -- spot him, Harris-Moore, who is typically barefoot, runs into the woods and disappears. He grew up in the woods, and apparently knows how to hide in them. Police are especially worried about a new crime trend, which they think is being committed by Harris-Moore: airplane theft. Several small planes have been taken in recent months from hangars, where investigators have found bare footprints; all the planes were found crash-landed. His mother, Pam Kohler, doesn't find much wrong with her boy's activities. In fact, considering he doesn't know how to fly a plane, he's doing pretty well, she says. "I hope to hell he stole those airplanes," she told a reporter. "I would be so proud. But put in there that I want him to wear a parachute next time." Locals seem to think the hoodlum is some sort of folk hero for avoiding capture, but police say they don't have the manpower to hunt him over a huge area for simple property crimes. (Seattle Times) ...Let's see what they all have to say when an empty plane crash-lands in a fireball at a school, while a barefooted felon hanging from a parachute watches.

MR. BUMBLE LIVES: In 2002, attorney Constantine Xinos sued to prevent the building of a new public library in Oak Brook, Ill. The lawsuit failed, and he also lost his bid to be elected to the village board. But he's quite supportive of staff layoffs at the library due to budget shortfalls. During a public meeting, Sydney Sabbagha, 11, spoke against the cutbacks. "I used to go to the library knowing there were people there to help me find a book," the girl told the village board. "It will never be the same without the people you fired." Xinos, 69, spoke for the other side: "Those who come up here with tears in their eyes talking about the library, put your money where your mouth is," he fumed. He characterized the girl's remarks as "whining" punctuated by "crocodile tears," and said the town had to "stop indulging people in their hobbies" and "their little, personal, private wants." When asked later about his gruff treatment of an 11-year-old, Xinos -- who escorted a reporter into his gated community in his Mercedes for the interview -- confirmed he "wanted that kid to lose sleep that night." Xinos was successful in his previous bid to stop a city project: a senior housing complex. "I don't want to live next to poor people," he said at the time. "I don't want poor people in my town." (Arlington Heights Daily Herald) ...Funny, but Xinos sounds like one of the poorest people in the world.

PLEASE SIR, I WANT SOME MORE: Brenda and Robert Vale, architects who specialize in sustainability, are professors at the Victoria University in Wellington, New Zealand. The title of their new book summarizes their latest thesis: "Time to Eat the Dog: The Real Guide to Sustainable Living". The Vales argue that a Toyota Land Cruiser and a medium-size dog have approximately equal "footprints" on the planet's ecology; a typical cat, they say, has an eco-footprint equivalent to a Volkswagen Golf automobile. "Once you see where cats and dogs fit in your overall balance of things," Mr. Vale said, "you might decide to have the cat but not also to have the two cars and the three bathrooms." (Timaru Herald) ...Hey, back off! One of those bathrooms is for the dog!

FREAK OF NOMENCLATURE, LITERARY DIVISION: The Barnes & Noble bookseller chain wants to compete with Amazon.com's Kindle electronic book reader. The newly announced B&N device is called the Nook eBook Reader. (Wall Street Journal) ...And really, no one on the development team said the name out loud before launch?

HOLD YOUR TONGUE! "Man Accused of Biting Neighbor on the Mouth" -- Macomb (Ga.) Daily headline

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THE DIRTY RATS! When flags started going missing from graves at a cemetery in Hampton, N.H., locals -- especially veterans' groups -- expressed outrage at the desecration. But people need to chill, a cemetery official said. "Several years back we had the same situation," said Cemetery Trustee Richard Bateman. The conclusion: "it was the squirrels." The rodents were snatching the flags to line their nests, he said, and that's probably what's going on now, too. "I don't think it's squirrels," said the dubious Commander of the local American Legion Post, Ralph Fatello. "But, if it's squirrels, we are going to prosecute them and I'm going to make an example out of them." And, Fatello added, they need to be more patriotic. "I don't know how I'm going to teach a history lesson to squirrels, but I would be willing to sit them down and try to talk to them." (Portsmouth Herald) ...Squirrels or not, there are clearly nuts involved here.

EATING DISORDER: Trinda Barocas, a teacher at a special education school in Indianapolis, Ind., was getting ready to take her students on a field trip to the zoo, but allegedly didn't want to take one student along -- the 7-year-old is autistic and has a severe peanut allergy. "I wonder what would happen if he had peanuts?" she allegedly said to an aide. "I could touch it, and then touch him." Then, the aide says, she tossed him a peanut-filled candy bar, saying "Maybe he could get sick enough not to attend and we won't have to deal with it." Giving peanuts to someone with a peanut allergy can cause extreme illness, and very often death. The boy didn't eat the candy. The teacher's aides notified school administrators, who called in child welfare officials, who "substantiated" the charges. In a previous teaching position, Barocas was accused of restraining, slapping, and forcing a student to eat. She has denied the allegations, but has resigned again. (Indianapolis Star) ...You know, maybe teaching just isn't the best career for her.

HEY, WHO COULD IT HURT? William Seago, 52, of Paulton, Bath, England, is blind in one eye, and thus not eligible for a large-truck driver's license. He got one anyway by memorizing the chart used for his eye
test, and took a job driving a trash truck. While on his route, his two partners were outside the 26-tonne truck as he was turning around in a cul-de-sac. "Mr. Seago appears not to have seen [co-worker and friend
Keith] Warman in front of his vehicle," prosecutors say, and ran him over, killing him. Seago admitted careless driving and making a false statement, but was found not guilty of causing death by dangerous driving. (Bath Chronicle) ...Maybe, but he will still be serving a life sentence.

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S OBFUSCATION: Marc Grizzard, the pastor of a church in North Carolina, wants to "light a fire" under the faithful -- by having a good old-fashioned book burning. On top of his list of books to burn: the Bible. According to Grizzard, every version except the King James translation is "satanic" and a "perversion" of God's word. His church is the Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, N.C. (AP) ...He definitely has an amazing concept of grace.

WORSE, IT WAS THE WRONG ONE: "One-Legged Suspect Caught with One Stolen Shoe" -- AP headline

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WELL PRACTICED: "Dude, I do this every night," Zachary R. Duis, 24, told Indiana State Police officers after being pulled over in Porter County for erratic driving. "I'm straight up and not drunk." Dubious troopers tested him anyway: his blood alcohol registered 0.30 percent, they say -- nearly four times the legal limit for drivers. Duis was arrested for drunk driving. (Indianapolis Star) ...The scary part? The first thing he said is probably true.

NO HONOR AMONG THIEVES: A student at the University of Wisconsin in Milwaukee was walking home from work when four men pulled him into an alley and forced him to lie face-down with a gun to his neck. They took everything from his pockets, but when the gang leader looked in the victim's wallet and saw an Army Reserve ID card, he told his accomplices to give him his stuff back. "The guy continued to say throughout the situation that he respects what I do and at one point he actually thanked me and he actually apologized," the unidentified 21-year-old victim said. "The leader of the group actually walked back [and] gave me a quick fist bump." Police note that 10 minutes later, the gang robbed another man, who had a Department of Corrections inmate ID in his wallet. They didn't give him his wallet back. (AP) ...Fair enough.

ZERO TOLERANCE IN THE REAL WORLD -- BRITISH DIVISION: Paul Clarke, 27, a former soldier, was on the balcony of his home in Merstham, Surrey, England, when he noticed a bag in his garden that didn't belong to him. "I took it indoors and inside found a shorn-off shotgun and two cartridges," he said, so he took his find to the police to turn it in -- "I thought it was my duty to hand it in and get it off the streets," he said. As soon as he handed the gun to authorities he was arrested for "possessing a firearm." Worse, the jury for the Guildford Crown Court found Clarke guilty, and by law he must serve a minimum of five years in prison. Prosecutor Brian Stalk said Clarke's "alleged" honesty was irrelevant, and Judge Christopher Critchlow agreed, saying "The intention of anybody possessing a firearm is irrelevant." (Surrey Mirror) ...And now we know British jurisprudence is, too.

GODWIN'S LAW: Torkieh Sadagheh, 30, tried crying in court. He tried screaming at the judge, who he declared "worse than Hitler." None of it worked. Sadagheh, who posed as a livery cab driver to find victims for a rape spree, was caught after one victim noted his license plate number as she fled his car. "They have two women defiling my constitutional rights!" he yelled in court. But Manhattan, N.Y., Supreme Court Justice Thomas Farber wouldn't have any of it: "I have before me a selfish, manipulative, narcissistic predator," he said. "I see no reason to give him less than 15 years," though "he probably deserves more," the judge said. So Farber tacked on a $1,000 fine and an extra 30 days in jail for contempt of court for Sadagheh's outbursts, including the Syrian's incredulous scream, "In America sex is legal!" (New York Daily News) ...Maybe, but consent is nine-tenths of the law.

SUSPECTS CONSIDERED OUTRAGEOUSLY DANGEROUS: "Half-Million Worth of Feminine Products Stolen" -- Conway (Ark.) Log Cabin-Democrat headline