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The Talon House

TalonRider

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TalonRider last won the day on March 4 2018

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About TalonRider

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    Secundi, Duet Talon

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    TalonRider1
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    talonrider@comcast.net
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    talonrider2000

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    Male
  • Location
    Southeastern PA
  • Interests
    Riding Roller Coasters (of course), Nascar Racing, NFL (Colts)

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  1. After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you. Husband: What's up? Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid... Husband: Well you don't remember, do you??? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said: " Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. " So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.” Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified. ************** An Irishman's first drink with his son! While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!! ************** Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teats, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?" ______________________________ __ Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!" __________________________ ______________________________ __ Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. ______________________________ __ Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?' 'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.' ______________________________ __ Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home. ______________________________ __ Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!' 'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked. 'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.' ______________________________ My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
  2. TalonRider

    Good Sex and Grammar

    On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction! The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say, 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want." The man thanked the old Indian and, as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3! "Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and threw off her clothes. Then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
  3. TalonRider

    When you're 70+

    (some of the jokes that old, also) I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you’re seventy...............who cares? ********** I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?” I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....." When you’re seventy..............who cares? *********** I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.” I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.” Cost me a fat lip, but... When you’re seventy..............who cares? ********** I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, "Go on then... Try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... When you’re seventy...............who cares? ********* I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. When you’re seventy...............who cares? ********** I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you’re seventy...............who cares? "Count your life by smiles, not tears, count your age by friends, not years, and remember We do not quit playing because we grow old.... We grow old because we quit playing"
  4. TalonRider

    A Couple of Good Ones

    A PASTOR visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best. THE PASTOR visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking, but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there." "They don’t like that in heaven, The Pastor said. The woman replied, "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!" A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there' - and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.’ After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche-Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the wine back.’
  5. TalonRider

    Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in The Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death girl, I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!! 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death girl, I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!
  6. TalonRider

    Spooky

    To whoever put the reflective eyes on this tree by the side of the roadYou, fine Sir, are an asshole A genius but an asshole
  7. TalonRider

    A Matter of Size

    "Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life.. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied. She ran out of the room.
  8. TalonRider

    Holiday

    HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE.
  9. TalonRider

    Elderly Couple

    Elderly couple in church celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary. In the middle of the service the woman takes out a pen and paper from her bag and writes. Just did a silent fart what should I do. The man writes back, buy a new battery for your hearing aid .
  10. TalonRider

    The Black Bra

    I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress; and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. . . Here's how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me in a black leather bodice, tall stilettoes and a mask. When he saw me he said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat. Under it only the black bra, heels and the mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, you’re going to love this . . . . .. * * * * * * * "What's for dinner, Zorro?"
  11. TalonRider

    Italian Confessional

    An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession in 1960. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"
  12. TalonRider

    SEX AFTER DEATH ....

    A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: " Marion ... Marion " "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
  13. TalonRider

    Hi

    Hey stranger. Glad to see you're still around.
  14. TalonRider

    The Engineer

    An engineer dies . . . and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! " Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on staff. I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." "Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
  15. TalonRider

    Late Night Emergency Vet Call

    Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and even though it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked for me," he replied.
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