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The Talon House

movieguy

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Everything posted by movieguy

  1. movieguy

    Solving the Mystery!

    There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11...Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
  2. movieguy

    Plane Problems

    A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!" Silence Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
  3. When Reality Is Better then Fiction 1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked. 2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.' 3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car. 5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish. 6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passerby in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The passerby was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck. 7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol. 8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead. (I am not saying this is right... but I understand...It's a Chicago thang'...) 9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing. 10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his imcompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic. 12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery. 13. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport. 15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government, which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing white socks, Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens. Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was 'a public insult,' as it was a blind imitation of Westerners. 16. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."
  4. 10 TRUE STORIES OF IDIOTS IN ACTION 1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two $16 bills. 2. A man in Johannnesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. 3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. 4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. 5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. 6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. 7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. 8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. 9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. 10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
  5. movieguy

    Mr. Gay

    Sydney Morning Herald, Monday, June 15th 1999: "An employee for Ansett Australia, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat. Unknown to Mr. Gay, another Ansett Australia flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped". Ansett officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember. So when the ticket agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer, "Are you Gay?" The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded, "Then you have to get off the plane." Mr. Gay, overhearing what the ticket agent had said, tried to clear up the situation, "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!" This caused an angry third passenger to yell, "Hell, I'm gay, too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reined as more and more passengers began yelling that Ansett Australia had no right to remove gays from their flights. Ansett refused to comment on the incident."
  6. movieguy

    Mr.Know It All

    Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?" The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know sh*t?"
  7. movieguy

    Smart Dogs

    Smart Dogs Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."
  8. movieguy

    Top 25 Things You'll Never Hear A Southerner Say

    LOL before anyone say anything i was born in Arkansas and i saw many thing here that i will have to agree you would never hear some of these thing out of some of their mouth but i will add this in my howntown the Wal Mart shut the doors in the late 70's guess it too close to Memphis and everyone shop over there instead of shopping in town oh well
  9. movieguy

    Can Of Paint!

    Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
  10. movieguy

    Let's Get Revved About Cedar Point

    Think i better go out in get some sun that just made me turn white as a sheets
  11. movieguy

    Let's Get Revved About Cedar Point

    D the reason my life was never the same, i could had choke her i'm scared of heights they had to ply my hand off the bars i was holding :blink: plus i never saw her before
  12. movieguy

    Let's Get Revved About Cedar Point

    I last rode a Roller Coaster at the Memphis State Fair when i was 14 some girl pull me by the arm and got me in the thing my life never was the same after that
  13. movieguy

    This Land

    I posted this in others forum it funny for both side of the political arena it worth the wait to see This Land
  14. movieguy

    Things That Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving But Aren't

    this is funny, when nobody mind in a gutter we do say these things good one Talon
  15. movieguy

    Member #7

    Cool pics D
  16. movieguy

    Member #7

    Hi Dewey Welcome as you can see i'm everywhere
  17. movieguy

    Dead Pen*s

    An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones his p**** died. Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful, decided To play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his p**** hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your p**** died." "It did," he said. "Today is the viewing."
  18. movieguy

    Member #5

    Welcome, glad to have you
  19. movieguy

    Member #4

    Welcome to the new board
  20. movieguy

    Welcome to the second member

    Thanks i like the name of each room here, a good idea never thought of Family Room Den and Bathroom before
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