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Signs You're Probably A Blue-Neck * You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside." * You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY! * You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. * For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to grits. * You don't know what a moon pie is. * You've never had an RC Cola. * You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled. * You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. * You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips. * You have no idea what a polecat is. * You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle. * You don't have bangs. * You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags. * More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut . * You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. * Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women. * You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent. * You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show. * You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. * You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. * The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on ramp to the highway. * You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. * The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus. * You refer to binoculars as opera glasses. * You can't spit out of the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. * You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt. * You don't know what an applique is. * You don't know anyone with at least two first names (e.g. Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.). * You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one. * You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you. * You can do your laundry without quarters. * None of your fur coats are homemade.

Working Two Jobs The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. Late one night, the phone rang and his wife answered. An agitated voice asked, "Is your husband there?" "Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife inquired. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

Grandma's Meat Loaf One evening, a newlywed called her mother in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandma's meat loaf for dinner tonight and it was horrible. I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for Tommy because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?" Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out." "OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef' ......."

The Peach Farmer The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done very well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So, he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town. Just on the outskirts of town, he came to a house. He grabbed a basket of peaches, walked up to the house, and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blonde, wearing a sheer robe, answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, honey, what can I do for you?" Somewhat shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these really nice peaches for sale." The blonde, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. She opened the top of her robe, exposing her breasts, and said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?" Even more shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches." Then, she opened the rest of her robe, revealing that she wasn't wearing any panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?" The old farmer broke down crying, and stammered, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches." She replied, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?" The old farmer whimpered, "Lady, first the cut worms ruined my tomato crop, and the weevils ate all my cotton. Now, something tells me you're gonna screw me out of my peaches.

Toothache A man has a toothache, so he goes to see his dentist. After examining the tooth, the dentist tells the man he is going to have to give him an injection for the pain. The man says, "No way! I don't want an injection." The dentist replies, "OK, I'll give you gas." "Noooo!" shrieks the man. "I don't want any gas." "Fine," says the dentist, "I'm going to give you some Viagra!" "Viagra?" exclaims the man. "What for?" "You're going to need something to hang on to when I pull your tooth!"

Haircuts One day the barber gave a priest a haircut. When the priest attempted to pay the barber, he refused the money, saying "You are a priest and do God's work." The next morning, the barber found a dozen bibles on his shop's doorstep. That day, a policeman came to the barber for a haircut and again the barber refused payment, saying " you protect the public." The following morning the barber found a dozen donuts on his shop's doorstep. A lawyer then came into the shop for a haircut and again the barber refused his money, saying "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber arrived at his shop and found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

Man Eats Raw Duck Before Undies Save Him By Associated Press January 10, 2005, 10:43 PM EST ROGERS, Ark. -- There's a reason Mom says to always have a fresh pair of underwear. The Rogers city attorney learned this week that it's to attract rescue helicopters. Ben Lipscomb found himself lost in the flooded backwoods of Bayou Meto this week while duck hunting with his Labrador retriever, Josey Wales. He only managed to make it out by tying his white briefs to the end of his gun barrel and waving them at an Arkansas State Police helicopter. Decked out in full camouflage hunting gear, Lipscomb was practically invisible as the helicopter made several passes at dusk. "They had passed over me a couple of times," he told the Morning-News of Northwest Arkansas after he was safe and sound back at his City Hall desk. "I knew I had to do something to get their attention." Anticipating a cold night in the wilderness, Lipscomb drank dirty bayou water and ate a raw duck breast before he was spotted. Lipscomb had been in the flooded timberland near Hollowell Reservoir for about 12 hours when he was rescued. He went out with two other men and had already shot a couple of ducks when he and his dog spotted a host of ducks a few hundred yards away. After killing and bagging four of them, he realized he didn't know where the boat was. "I got turned around. I started walking in the general direction of where I though the boat was, but it wasn't," Lipscomb said. "If it hadn't been for (the police), I would have probably frozen to death out there. It was a real humbling experience." * __ Information from: The Morning News, http://www.nwaonline.net/ Copyright © 2005, The Associated Press www.newsday.com

Looking For Crisco An old guy was wandering around a supermarket calling out - "Crisco? Crisco? CRIS--CO!!" Finally, a clerk approached him and said, "Sir, the Crisco in on aisle seven." "Oh," the old guy said, "I'm not looking for Crisco. I'm calling my wife." "Your wife's name is Crisco?" the puzzled clerk asked. "Hell, no," the old guy said. "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket." "Oh? Well, what do you call her when you're not in the supermarket?" asked the clerk. "Lard Arse!" replied the old guy.

Where's Mom and Dad? A little boy came to the breakfast table and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" Grandma replied, "They're still in bed." The little boy snickered and started eating his breakfast. At lunch the boy asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" Grandma replied, "They're still in bed." The boy snickered again and started eating his lunch. At dinner the boy asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" Grandma replied, "They're still in bed." The boy laughed out loud boisterously then started to eat his dinner. The grandma then said to the boy, "You've laughed every time I've told you that your Mom and Dad were still in bed - what's going on here?" The boy replied, "Last night dad came into my room and asked if he could borrow the tube of vaseline I keep in my dresser? I told him to go ahead and take it. This morning I looked in my dresser and the vaseline was still there - but my super glue was missing."

Tasty Fries There was once a sheep farmer who required assistance with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. Finally, he hired a French guy. Although he didn't speak much English, he was a very good worker. After the first day, they had successfully castrated 16 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", when the sheep farmer yelled, "Wait! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious. We call them 'sheep fries'." Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and, sure enough, the 'sheep fries' were tasty. The following day, they castrated 18 sheep. That evening, they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. On the third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was. She replied, "It's the strangest thing. I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries.....that's when he ran like hell!"

Stay of Execution An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door, his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak - pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

Grandpa There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table. The children (naughty little rascals) sneak a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink. After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over. "What happened, Grandpa?" asked his concerned children. "Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom to pee. So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back."

News of the Weird WEEK OF JANUARY 9, 2005 LEAD STORY Those Hardy Floridians: Rudolph Jessie Hicks Jr., 30, was arrested in Brooksville, Fla., for trespass, but not before he had gotten up from a police dog takedown, five Taser shots, and an entire can of pepper spray (December). And police in Port St. Lucie, Fla., were considering whether to charge Ms. Robin Bush, who strangled a 130-pound Rottweiler after it would not let go of her tiny Yorkie (December). And a 20-year-old man suffered only minor injuries after driving his car through a fifth-floor wall of a parking garage and landing inside the second floor of a store at the Shoppes of Sunset Place in South Miami (December). [Hernando Today, 12-6-04] [south Florida Sun-Sentinel, 12-10-04] [south Florida Sun-Sentinel, 12-14-04] More Things To Worry About (1) Police in Denton, Texas, arrested two teenagers in October and charged them with robbing two visitors who were passing through town from Montana; the victims said they were on their way to Baton Rouge, La., because they needed money and had read on the Internet that a medical school would pay $100,000 for testicles. (2) The Dutch retirement home Seniorenpand, in Rotterdam, bills itself as the world's only old-age community for incorrigible heroin addicts and has a long waiting list for its few rooms, according to a December dispatch in The Scotsman. (One satisfied resident bragged that he had some "pretty good stuff" the night before.) [Denton Record Chronicle, 10-21-04] [The Scotsman, 12-20-04] Ironies A 59-year-old veteran NASCAR driver from Scottsdale, Ariz., was killed in November when he fell off of a Segway scooter (going 5 mph) at a Las Vegas go-cart race and hit his head. And in China's Guangxi Zhuang region in September, five people asphyxiated while conducting a ceremony in a dangerous lead mine (frequently shut down by the government), including a prominent feng shui expert there to advise on improving harmonic energy flow. And in Aliquippa, Pa., in October, a 28-year-old man was electrocuted on his first day at work as an electrician. [East Valley Tribune (Mesa, Ariz.), 11-29-04] [Qinzhou Daily-Interfax, 9-7-04] [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 10-29-04] Scenes of the Surreal (1) Britain's Office of Communications, which rules on viewers' complaints about TV programs, decided in November that the on-air, manual collecting of hog semen on the "reality" show "The Farm" did not violate standards in that, in the office's opinion, the pig did not feel "degrad(ed)" by the experience. (2) Because a British Broadcasting Corp. employee got a toe trapped in a revolving door at company offices in Birmingham (cracking a toenail), executives in December sent a memo to the workforce of 800, using stick-figure drawings, with instructions on how to walk through the doors. [Agence France-Presse, 11-29-04] [Agence France-Presse, 12-23-04] Can't Possibly Be True In October, as part of the government's vigorous "social order" anti-drug campaign, dozens of police officers in Bangkok, Thailand, raided the trendy Q Bar late on Saturday night and locked it down, detained the nearly 400 customers, and passed out plastic cups so that each one could submit to an on-the-spot urinalysis. Said the bar's manager, "(The raid is) pretty much an annual event. It's a little bit like Christmas." [News-Leader (Springfield, Mo.)-AP, 11-1-04] Unclear on the Concept # In Salt Lake City in November, federal judge Paul G. Cassell, remarking that mandatory-minimum sentencing laws gave him no choice, sent a 25-year-old, small-quantity marijuana dealer to prison for 55 years (because he had a gun on him during two of the transactions). Two hours before that, in a crime Cassell described as far more serious but not subject to the same mandatory minimums, he sentenced a man to 22 years in prison for beating an elderly woman to death with a log. [New York Times, 11-17-04] # In November, Jens Orback, Sweden's minister for integration and gender equality, who had been under fire for not being aggressive on the job, denied on the radio program "Ekot" that he was intolerant of sexual minorities. Said Orback: "I had a wonderful aunt who lived in Canada with a horse. I thought it was wonderful. Let people live as they wish." Later, attempting to explain himself, Orback insisted that the aunt's relationship with the horse was platonic. [The Local (Sweden's News in English), 11-16-04] Super-Tolerant People # A St. Paul Pioneer Press reporter, interviewing neighbors of the people who shared a St. Croix Falls, Wis., home that was condemned after being overrun with 450 cats, found that most neighbors had failed to notice the house's putrid smell. Several said that the awful odor from the neighborhood's fish hatchery and the awful odor of the neighborhood's sewage treatment plant probably overrode the awful odor of the house. [st. Paul Pioneer Press, 11-6-04] # Brigham Young University's Newsnet reported in November on Marilyn and Elton Pierce of Provo, Utah, who because their telephone number is easily confused with a BYU information line, estimate they have received 25,000 wrong-number calls in 14 years (averaging to five per day). Marilyn, in her 70s, said she didn't have the couple's number changed because she doesn't mind the calls and in fact rather enjoys talking to people. [bYU Newsnet, 11-29-04] Least Competent People A 39-year-old man in Chillicothe, Ohio, was hospitalized in December after an unsuccessful suicide attempt that accidentally blew his own house to pieces and did heavy damage to neighboring homes. The man had turned on the natural gas to kill himself, but then realized that other houses might be in danger, and just as he dashed to the basement to turn off the electricity, the house exploded (probably from an electrical spark) and was leveled. A month before, the man had tried to kill himself with automobile exhaust and a garden hose, but his car ran out of gas before he could die, and he then hooked up a propane tank for the same purpose, but once again, he outlived his fuel supply. [Chillicothe Gazette, 12-7-04] Update In 2002 News of the Weird reported that H. Beatty Chadwick had served 6 1/2 years in jail in suburban Philadelphia for civil contempt of court for not producing $2.5 million in marital assets that he was supposed to split with his ex-wife, with the U.S. jail record for contempt believed to be 10 years. As of October 2004, he is still in jail, closing in on the record, and the amount owed is up to $4.2 million, with Chadwick sticking to his defense that the money had long since been spent. Said Chadwick's lawyer, "This (nonexistent) money is like the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. We are the Saddam Hussein of the marital world." [Washington Post, 11-11-04] Recurring Themes News of the Weird reported as far back as 1998 on optimistic pet owners preparing to pay large sums for a cloned model of a deceased dog or cat, mentioning a lab at Texas A&M University planning to clone a collie-husky named Missy (who was, of course, according to her owners, "perfect"). The lab's Dr. Mark Westhusin and his team managed to clone its first dog, "cc," in 2001, and has subsequently cloned cattle, goats, pigs and a cat. In December 2004, another outfit, Genetic Savings and Clone (of Sausalito, Calif., and Madison, Wis.), announced that it had delivered a kitten to a woman for $50,000 that is a DNA replica of Nicky, a cat that died last year at age 17. [New York Times-AP, 12-23-04] Readers' Choice Paul Eugene Levengood, owner of the Tasty Flavors Sno Biz dessert shop in the Chattanooga, Tenn., suburb of Red Bank, was charged with two counts of sexual battery in November when two 19-year-old female employees said he had occasionally spanked them for workplace errors (for example, once for forgetting to put a banana into a smoothie drink). A defensive Levengood pointed out that the women had each signed a form, "I give Gene permission to bust my behind any way he sees fit." Police found at the store many photographs of women's posteriors, even though a Sno Biz executive called Levengood a "very Christian person." [Associated Press, 11-9-04] Thanks This Week to Jenny Morlan, Aaron Baker, Gary Busch, Dave Paul, Steve Dunn, Peter Hine, Jan Wolitzky, Brandie Greig, Daniel Sasseen, and Brandee Moncrief, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors. (Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679 or WeirdNews@earthlink.net or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com.) COPYRIGHT 2005 CHUCK SHEPHERD

Chapter 24 of The Closing is posted http://www.josephmen.com/

Wal-Mart Worker Fired Over Semi-Nude Photo By Associated Press January 7, 2005, 7:09 PM EST MUSCATINE, Iowa -- A Wal-Mart greeter was sacked for apparently showing too much of his friendly side to customers. Dean L. Wooten, 65, was accused of greeting customers with a computer-generated photo of himself in which he appeared to be naked -- except for a carefully placed Wal-Mart bag -- and of telling customers that Wal-Mart was cutting costs and the sack was the company's new uniform. A supervisor at the Muscatine store where Wooten had worked for seven years told him to knock it off after customers complained. He was fired five days later, in September, after he displayed the photo again. Wooten's application for unemployment compensation was rejected by an administrative law judge, who said "a reasonable person would know the act of showing a naked body wearing a Wal-Mart sack would not be good for the employer's business." Wooten said he did not see the harm in the photo, which he said was made by a friend who spliced a picture of Wooten's head onto a shot of another man's body. "When I first seen it, I pretty near died laughing," he said. Copyright © 2005, The Associated Press www.newsday.com

On the Train Again: Part Five of Angel Juxtaposition: Part Six of Angel are now posted http://www.lonelyocean.co.uk/

Woman Accused of Stealing Gavel From Judge By Associated Press January 6, 2005, 4:59 PM EST FARMINGTON, Mo. -- An woman is accused of stealing the gavel from the judge overseeing her case. Tammy Lynn Price, 28, was charged Tuesday with misdemeanor stealing for an incident that happened in October. Authorities gave this account: Associate Circuit Judge Thomas Ray was beginning his day when he noticed several items missing -- pens, a calculator, an executive calendar -- and a wooden gavel handed down from his grandmother. Ray recalled seeing the items and the end of the previous day's docket. He told investigators that when he left the courtroom, the only people present were a public defender and Price, who was in court facing a drug charge. Price denied involvement in the thefts, but a male friend told police that Price put the items in her purse and also took cleaning supplies. Authorities said a friend of Price later turned in the stolen goods. Ray said his grandmother had used the gavel while serving as grand matron of the Order of the Eastern Star. * __ Information from: Park Hills Daily Journal, http://mydjconnection.com/ www.newsday.com

The Ranch by Miguel Chapter 11 to 15 is now link at the site under Miguel Corner http://excoboard.com/exco/index.php?boardid=5252

Germany claims egg record A chicken farm in Germany is claiming a new world record after a hen laid a giant egg weighing six ounces. The record egg, discovered by farmers on New Year's Day, is almost 3.5 inches long and has a circumference of eight inches. Christoph Athmann, from the Ruholl poultry farm in Lower Saxony where the egg was laid, said he was amazed at the size of the egg. Farm employees cannot determine which of the 35,000 hens laid the big egg because the eggs are collected each day by machine. But Athmann said the egg was probably laid by a young hen, around 27 weeks old. "That's when they achieve their top laying form," he said. The farm is now challenging an egg from Belarus for a spot in the Guinness Book of Reocrds. "An egg from Belarus weighing 160 grams that was laid in spring 2004 was lined up for an entry in the next Guinness Book of Records, but we're going to challenge this as ours is nine grams heavier," Altmann said. www.ananova.com

Safari Adventure Having just returned from an African safari, Steve went to see his friend, Bill, to tell him of his adventures. "There I was, out in the jungle," he said, "when I suddenly heard a noise in the bush behind me. I looked back and saw a huge lion, licking his chops and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit. The lion started gaining on me once more, and as he got closer, he slipped again. I happened to see a house not far away, so I ran towards it. I got close to the house with the lion almost on top of me when he slipped for a third time. With my very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face." "That's quite a story, Steve," Bill said. "I would have crapped in my pants." "Well, what do you think the lion kept slipping on?!?"

Whistle While You Work A young doctor, doing his residency in OB/Gyn, felt embarrased while performing a female pelvic exam. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. While he was performing this exam on a middle aged lady, she suddenly burst out laughing. This only furthered his embarrassment. "Just what do you find so amusing, madam?" he snarled. "I'm so sorry, doctor," she replied, "but the song you were whistling was...'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner'!"

Little Boy in Church One Sunday morning, a little boy goes to church with his mom. While sitting in the service, he looks up at his mom and says, "Mommy, I have to pee, Mommy, I have to pee!!" His mom replies, "Johnny, it's not polite to say pee in church. From now on, when you have to pee, say 'you have to whisper'." The following Sunday, the boy is sitting in church with his dad and the urge to go comes to him. He looks up at his dad and says, "Daddy, I have to whisper." "Alright, son," his father says, "right here in my ear!"