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Watch The Expression It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his, and asked what was he going to do about it. Finally, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy turned 16 years of age. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too. Tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that is the last free meat she'll get and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home and told his mother, the woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free groceries, cars, rent, furniture and clothes for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

The Pretzel Hold A few years ago at the World Amateur Wrestling Championship, there was a pairing of an experienced and undefeated Russian heavyweight wrestler going up against an inexperienced, upstart American heavyweight. The main reason for the Russian wrestler's success was a hideous hold he had developed called the 'pretzel hold'. He had pinned every wrestler he had faced using this hold. It was called the 'Pretzel hold' because when the hold was applied, his opponent's body would resemble the shape of a pretzel. Once applied, no wrestler had ever been able to escape the hold. When the match between the Russian and the American began, it was evident that the American had superior quickness, but the Russian was stronger and was just laying in wait for the American to make a mistake so he could apply the pretzel hold. Sure enough, that opportunity soon came to play and the Russian grabbed the American and applied the hold. The crowd groaned and the American wrestler's trainers had to look away in horror as they couldn't bear to watch their wrestler's certain demise. Unbelievably, once the Russian tried pinning the American and the referee had reached the count of two, the American escaped the hold and with what can only be described as superhuman strength, grabbed the Russian, made a hold reversal, and pinned the Russian. After the match, the media surrounded the American wrestler and one reporter asked him, "How did you do it? You've never faced this Russian wrestler before and he applied the pretzel hold on you. No one has ever escaped the hold and you escaped it with apparent ease." The American wrestler replied, "Well, I was in so much pain that I was trying to find the referee to submit the match, but when I was trying to find him all I could see was a pair of balls right in front of my face." "I sensed an opportunity and bit them as hard as I could." "They were mine."

Bubba's First Time Bubba pulled the car over to the side of the road and showed Billy-Bob where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Bubba recalled. "That sounds wonderful," said Billy-Bob. "Yes. It was great until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us." "Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?" "Baaaaaaa."

Showing Off His First Kilt In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is permitted to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!" So, the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case ye want anything else made of it." So, the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear. When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?" "Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed. "Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show her. "Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly. Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

That's Not Your Name It was the first day of the school year and the teacher was asking her first grade students their names. "What is your name?" she asked a little boy in the first row. "Peter Break," the little boy gleefully answered. The teacher said, "Young man, I don't think that's your name. Now, what is your real name?" Again, the little boy responded, "Peter Break." Frustrated, the teacher went to the principal's office and asked, "Mr. Jones, do we have a Peter Break here?" The principal replied, "Heck, we don't even have time for a coffee break here!"

Game Warden A farmer and his friend were leaning on a fence chatting. Suddenly, the local Game Warden showed up and insisted on checking the farmer's property and, in particular, a certain field. The farmer refused to allow him access to the field. The Warden insisted he had the right, saying, "I'm the Game Warden and I have a card! This card allows me to go in." Before the farmer could stop him, the Warden was off into the field. Soon, a horrifying scream pierced the air and the Warden, being chased by a massive bull, reappeared running for his life. "Help, help!" he cried. The farmer laughed and shouted back, "Show him your card! Show him your card!"

Phone Problems An elderly woman contacted her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right beforehand. A telephone company repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or the senile elderly woman. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

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A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

Quick Joke 1 A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. He asks: "What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?" She responds: "I can't see my as* coming into work today."

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade, too!" Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal the situation. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tell her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. Ms. Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?" Harry hesitates, then says, "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Harry: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T and is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains a thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink and then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he sould stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Harry: "Bubblegum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a women do sitting down, and a dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he can stop the answer... Harry: "Shake hands." Ms. Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I?' sort of questions, okay?" Harry: "Yep." Ms. Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Harry: "Tent." Ms. Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." Harry: "A wedding ring." The principal is starting to look restless and a bit tense. Ms. Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good." Harry: "Nose." Ms. Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." Harry: "Arrow." Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal let out a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade. I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Early one morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school." "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school." "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me." "Oh! that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school." "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?" "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school."

You are sitting behind the wheel in a car keeping a constant speed, on you left side there is an abyss. On your right side you have a fire engine and it keeps the same speed as you. In front of you runs a pig, larger than you car. A helicopter is following you, at ground level. Both the helicopter and the pig are keeping the same speed as you. What will you need to do to be able to stop? Answer: Get out of the car, step down from the merry-go-round and leave you seat to someone younger. The children's merry-go-round in the amusement park is primarily for the younger children.

What - no fries? A Pennsylvanian man allegedly tried to run over restaurant workers after they told him they had run out of fries. It happened after the 22-year-old, of DuBois in Clearfield County, and a couple of friends asked for fries at a drive-in Burger King in Sandy. According to the Courier-Express in DuBois, the man made an obscene gesture and repeatedly cursed at staff after learning they had run out. He then noticed a couple of restaurant workers taking down his number plate registration and allegedly drove his truck at them, nearly hitting one employee. The man was arrested a short distance away on Route 255, where he allegedly scuffled with police, kicking out the back window of a police car after he was handcuffed. He has been released on bail but faces charges including assault, reckless endangerment, reckless driving, harassment, drunken driving, fleeing police, disorderly conduct and vandalism. www.ananova.com

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either." The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?" The nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?" The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

Little Johnny got on a bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked him, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a father." Little Johnny thought a second and responded, "Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many." Little Johnny quickly answered, "My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?" The priest, flustered, said impatiently, "I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people." Little Johnny sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."

A school teacher asks her class, "What vegetable makes your eyes water?" Little Johnny replies, "A turnip miss." "No Johnny," says the teacher, "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?" "No miss," says Little Johnny, "Have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?"

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off. The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin. He asks the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted. "The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each." So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started doing the wife. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately. When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session. A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?" The father shouted "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE!"

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: ''Sir, did you call for me?'' Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?'' She says: ''You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.'' Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: ''Sir, did you call for me?'' Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?'' ''You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.'' The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: ''May I help you?''. Bob says: ''Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.'' ''But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...'' Bob replies: ''Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!''

A very old couple books a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel to celebrate their 50th marriage anniversary. The bell boy, while taking their luggage to the suite, thinks to himself, "At this age, they are booking a suite. What a waste!" After leaving them in their room with a very heavy tip he decides to spy on them. At night, he sits in the lobby opposite their room. And what does he hear? Laughing and clapping sounds from their room. All night long. He could not believe his ears. In the morning, he apologized to the husband for having spied on them, but being very inquisitive, he asks him how can he do what he did at this age. The husband replied, "See it is this way. First, I remove my clothes. Then I lie down on the bed face up. Then my wife removes her clothes. Then..." The bell boy leans into the old man and says, "Then what, WHAT?" The old husband smiles and says, "Then my wife lifts up my p**** with one hand, and then we make a bet." The bell boy hollers, "A BET? What bet?!" If it falls to left, I win; and if it falls to right she wins," the husband replied with a smirk. The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?" "Then we both win.", says the old man.

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got let your rosebuds show!", and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting here with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging rose garden."