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  1. Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs ST. PAUL, Minn. (Wireless Flash) -- Ask and ye shall receive: A Lutheran pastor in St. Paul, Minnesota, who asked his flock to redeem themselves for stealing by dropping their pilfered merchandise off at his church ended up with several bins of stolen goods. Among the items: men's shirts, hotel towels, bubble gum and a CD stolen from the church. The "Pioneer Press" reports Pastor Derek Rust turned something in too: Gardening equipment which he'd borrowed from a friend and never returned. ARNSBERG, Germany -- Germans are now allowed to stick their tongues out in their passport photos. A 30-year-old man from Arnsberg brought about the new court ruling when he appealed a local passport office's decision to turn down his passport photo because he had his tongue sticking out. The court found there was no rule in German prohibiting the man from doing so, but made him sign a statement that he wouldn't take the issue to court again if he had problems with border patrol officers. LONDON -- A drug-sniffing dog in England has died of an apparent overdose say authorities. The seven-year-old Springer Spaniel named Todd was out patrolling for drugs in a field when he became ill and was rushed to the vet, where he died from ingesting amphetamines. MIAMI -- An American man wearing a controversial t-shirt recently learned that nudity doesn't fly when flying the friendly skies. The man and his girlfriend were both thrown off an American Airlines flight from Costa Rica to Miami because his t-shirt depicted a woman with bare breasts. According to his girlfriend, "The flight attendant basically walked up to us and yelled, `You have to take off that shirt right now.'" He refused, so the flight crew prevented the couple from boarding the flight and gave them a refund. ncbuy.com
  2. A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break...but MATH? It was devastating! To not only him, but his mom and dad, too! And not that they weren't doing everything and anything to help their son...Private tutors, peer assistance, CD-Roms, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Weekly mass. The whole shootin' match. Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing. They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card - unopened in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!? Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son! "Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother. Again, the boy shrugged, "No." "The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father. "Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!" "How so?", asked his mom. "When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign. I knew they meant business!"
  3. movieguy


    AN OLD BOAT Twin brothers were named Joe and John Jones. The single brother was the disgruntled owner of a dilapidated old boat. It happened that John's wife died the same week that Joe's boat finally sank. Shortly thereafter, the kindly old widow Smith met Joe on the street and mistaking him for John, she said, "Oh Mr. Jones, I am so sorry to hear about your great loss. You must feel terrible." Joe responded saying, "Well, I'm not the least bit sorry, she was a rotten old thing from the very beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelt like a dead fish. Hell, even the first time I got into her she made water faster than anything I had ever seen. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front. The hole got bigger every time I used her and she leaked like anything. But do you know what finished her off? Four guys from the other side of town were looking for a good time. They asked if I would rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't so hot, but they said they would take a crack at her anyway. The result was that the crazy fools all tried to to get into her at one time and it was just too much for her. She cracked right down the middle!" Widow Smith fainted dead away.
  4. movieguy

    a New Farmer

    A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby and asks to buy a chicken. The farmer tells the man that they don't call them chickens there. "We say pullets." Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, "We don't call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times." Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster. The farmer says, "We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks." The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road. A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favor for him. She says, "Sure, what do you need?" The man replies, "Can you hold my c*** and pullet... while I slap my a**?"
  5. Mystery Candidate Exits Calif. Election By Associated Press August 2, 2004, 2:34 PM EDT SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. -- No one has ever seen or spoken to the Democratic nominee for California's 63rd Assembly District. Now, the mystery man has dropped out of the race as mysteriously as he joined it. D'Andre McNamee ran unopposed for the Democratic nomination on the March ballot, picking up 16,987 votes. McNamee himself did not vote. Before that, he garnered 40 signatures for his nomination papers. His $900 filing fee was paid for by the state Democratic Central Committee, the San Bernardino County Sun newspaper reported last week. But spokesmen for the state and county parties said they have never met McNamee and know little about his candidacy. One official even sent along a Christmas card, which went unanswered. "Due to family and business concerns, as well as the reality that it will be impossible for a Democrat to win, I am dropping out of the race," McNamee said in a press release. The release was issued by a man claiming to be a friend of his. The statement said the candidate is 31 and co-owns McNamee Trucking in Ontario. But the company's mailing address is in Rancho Cucamonga, according to the secretary of state's office. Candidacy papers for McNamee say he lives in Upland, but no listing was found for the candidate or his company. The Sun said it made repeated calls over several months to a number on the candidacy papers. None were returned. Visits to the listed address proved fruitless. McNamee's name will stay on the November ballot, a spokesman for the state party said. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com
  6. My Day...Your Day? This sounds just like a day in my life...how about you? You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on. There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address. You open a can of soup and the lid falls in. It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you. There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. You can never put anything back in a box the way it came. You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette. You slice your tongue licking an envelope. Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading. A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away. There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray. You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing. A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces). You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 PM instead of 7 AM. The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out. People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up. Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire. You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing. You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it. You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
  7. Lead Story Autobiography of the Least Interesting Man in America: According to a 1996 Seattle Times feature, Robert Shields, 77, of Dayton, Wash., is the author of perhaps the longest personal diary in history, nearly 38 million words on paper stored in 81 cardboard boxes covering the previous 24 years, in five-minute segments. Example: July 25, 1993, 7 a.m.: "I cleaned out the tub and scraped my feet with my fingernails to remove layers of dead skin." 7:05 a.m.: "Passed a large, firm stool, and a pint of urine. Used 5 sheets of paper." [seattle Times, 3-17-96] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Least Competent People Joseph Kubic Sr., 93, was hospitalized in Stratford, Conn., in 1999 after he tried to punch an additional hole in his belt by hammering a pointy-nosed bullet through it. The bullet fired, ricocheted off a table and hit him in the neck. And four months after that, a 19-year-old man was hospitalized in Salt Lake City after undertaking a personal investigation into the question of whether it is possible to "fire" a .22-caliber bullet by placing it inside a straw and striking it with a hammer. Answer: sometimes (including this time; it went off and hit him in the stomach). [Connecticut Post, 2-19-99] [salt Lake Tribune, 6-15-99] Tim Ekelman, 33, was hospitalized in Hamilton, Ontario, in 1998 with a collapsed lung, a sliced throat and voice-box damage after he, believing there was nothing to it, attempted to swallow a friend's 40-inch-long sword. (A professional sword swallower interviewed by the Hamilton Spectator said he would never stick a sword down his throat without first dulling the edges.) Said Ekelman's girlfriend, "I love him with all my heart, but what a jerk." [Edmonton Journal-Hamilton Spectator, 3-21-98] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Great Art! From time to time News of the Weird has reported on the fluctuating value of the late Italian artist Piero Manzoni's personal feces, which he canned in 1961, 30 grams at a time in 90 tins, as art objects (though, over the years, 45 have reportedly exploded). Their price to collectors has varied from about $28,000 for a tin in 1998 to $75,000 in 1993. In June 2002, the Tate Gallery in London excitedly announced it had purchased tin number 004 for about $38,000. (The price of 30 grams of gold at that time was a little over $300.) [sydney Morning Herald, 7-1-02] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cliches Come to Life In 1998, Charles Cornell, 31, won his lawsuit at the High Court in London, England, and was awarded the equivalent of about US$100,000 in damages. Cornell's insurance businesses failed when sales plummeted following his automobile accident. In the crash, he received a head injury that his doctors said left him with a gentler, more amiable personality that Cornell proved in court was unsuited for the insurance business. [Edmonton Journal, 3-22-98] According to a doctor's experience reported in the December 1997 issue of the journal Biological Therapies in Psychiatry, a 35-year-old female patient receiving a traditional anti-depressant was switched to bupropion, supposedly just as effective but without her regular drug's side effect of inhibiting orgasm. "Within one week, her ability to achieve orgasm and her enjoyment of sex had returned to normal," the doctor wrote. "After six weeks, however, she experienced (spontaneously, without physical stimulation) a three-hour orgasm while shopping." [biological Therapies in Psychiatry, December 1997] Life Imitates a Rodney Dangerfield Joke: In 1996, Steven Hicks, 38, and his wife, Diana, 35, were sentenced to six months in jail in Cape May, N.J., for child abandonment. They had been having trouble with their unruly son, Christopher, 13, and while he was hospitalized, they had surreptitiously packed up and moved to Inglewood, Calif. [New Haven Register, 2-1-96] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lawyers Being Lawyers The Times of London reported in 1997 that when an employee of the James Beauchamp law firm in Edgbaston, England, recently killed himself, the firm billed his mother the equivalent of US$20,000 for the expense of finishing up his office work. Included in that amount was a bill for about US$2,300 to go to his home to find out why he didn't show up at work (thus finding his body), plus about US$250 to go to his mother's home, knock on her door, and tell her that her son was dead. (After unfavorable publicity, the firm withdrew the bill.) [The Times (London), 3-14-97] No "Professional Courtesy": Marsha Watt, a graduate of Northwestern University School of Law and formerly an associate at the prestigious Winston and Strawn law firm in Chicago, was disciplined in 1997 by the Illinois Bar over her then-recent conviction for prostitution (i.e., the kind involving sex, for which her published rate, according to a personals ad cited in her conviction, was roughly three times what the law firm was billing for her services). [Chicago Daily Law Bulletin, 2-12-97] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At Last! A Job That Actually Requires Geometry! Commissioners in Florida's Seminole County (near Orlando) and Manatee County (Bradenton) passed ordinances in 1999 prohibiting public nudity by requiring women to cover at least 25 percent of the area of their breasts and at least 33 percent of the buttocks, with highly detailed instructions as to the points from which each coverage must be measured. (News of the Weird includes this refresher for law enforcement personnel: The formula for the lateral area of a cone is pi times radius times slant height; for the surface area of a sphere, it's pi times radius-squared; and, alas, for a flat surface, it's length times width.) [sarasota Herald-Tribune, 4-8-99] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Surprise! Diane Parker accompanied husband, Richard W. Parker (who had been accused of drug trafficking), to federal court in Los Angeles for a hearing in 1998. According to friends, Diane was such a believer in her husband's innocence that she had come prepared to put up her investment property and her mother's townhouse to make Richard's bail. However, when the prosecutor recited to the judge facts about Richard's double life that included a mistress and a safe house, Diane's expression changed dramatically within the space of a few minutes. According to a Los Angeles Times account, she removed her wedding ring with a flourish, walked out of court, quickly drove to an Orange County office where the mistress worked, and punched her several times before being restrained. [L.A. Times, 7-21-98] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Compelling Explanations Portland State University library employee Mary Joan Byrd, 61, admitted in 1997 that she had taken more than $200,000 over the years from the school's copy machines. According to the student newspaper The Vanguard, she asked for leniency on the criminal charge against her (i.e., stealing from the state of Oregon) based on the theory that she was just temporarily using the money. That is, according to her, she spent almost the entire amount she took to feed her habit of playing Oregon's government-sponsored video poker machines, and since she never won, the state got all its money back. [bend (Ore.) Bulletin, 7-15-97] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gone on to Their Just Rewards In Dadeville, Ala., in 1999, Mr. Gabel Taylor, 38, who had just prevailed in an informal Bible-quoting contest, was shot to death by the angry loser. And in 1998, the Rev. John Wayne "Punkin" Brown Jr., 34, died of a rattlesnake bite while ministering at the Rock House Holiness Church in northeast Alabama near Scottsboro. In a landmark book on snake-handling preachers in the South ("Salvation on Sand Mountain" by Dennis Covington), the legendary Brown was called the "mad monk," the one most "mired in the ... blood lust of the patriarchs." His wife, Melinda, died in the same way three years earlier at a church in Middlesboro, Ky. [Knoxville News-Sentinel, 10-6-98] (Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679 or WeirdNews@earthlink.net or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com.) COPYRIGHT 2004 CHUCK SHEPHERD newsof the weird.com
  8. August Marks Catfish Month CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. (Wireless Flash) -- Politicians aren't the only bottom feeders making a play for attention right now -- it's National Catfish Month. The catfish-oriented celebration is being celebrated by the Tennessee Aquarium in Chattanooga, Tennessee, which is hoping to inspire Americans to eat lots of farm-raised freshwater catfish over the next four weeks. Catfish Month is a big hook for the Aquarium, which has what spokeswoman Kathie Scobee Fulgham says is believed to be the largest blue catfish on exhibit -- at 100 pounds. In addition, the aquarium be putting a flathead catfish which weighs a whopping 87 pounds on exhibit tomorrow (Aug. 3). Other fishy facts to get you hooked on catfish.... -- The Southern American candiru is both a parasite and a catfish and is known to swim up the urethras of bathers and swimmers when they urinate in the water. -- The electric catfish of Africa is capable of generating up to 350 volts. -- Catfish may be tasty, but catfish have 27,000 tastebuds of their own. -- Finally, the south is known for tall tales of catfish that are the size of Volkswagens. ncbuy.com
  9. One day, Batman and Superman were flying around in a helicopter. Superman was depressed. He hadn't had sex in over 6 months. It turned out that they were flying over a nude beach, and they just happened to see Wonderwoman lying on the sand! "Go down there and do your thing! She won't notice! You're faster than a speeding bullet, aren't you!?" said Batman. "I should..." said Superman. So, Superman did just that. He went down, and he was in and out in a milli-second. "So? How was it?" said Batman. "GREAT! It was awesome! She didn't notice a thing!" Said Superman. At that same time Wonderwoman said "What the hell was that!?" The Invisible Man rolled off the top of her and said "I don't know! But my BUTT SURE HURTS!"
  10. One day, a man walked into a bar. He say's to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing in your life, will you give me five free beers?" The bartender says, "Show me this amazing thing first." So the man takes out a 10 inch man and a tiny piano. The 10 inch man starts playing the piano. The bartender scratches his head and says, "Wow, that is amazing. Here are your five beers. How did you do that?" "There is a magic lamp outside. Rub it and a genie comes out and will grant you one wish." So the bartender goes outside, finds the lamp, and rubs it. Then the genie comes out and says "I am the genie of this lamp. I will grant one wish. Chooses carefully." "I want 10,000,000 bucks." As soon as he made his wish, 10,000,000 ducks came out of no where. The bartender goes back into the bar. "Boy" he said to the man, "that genie sure does have bad hearing." "What did you think I wanted, a 10 inch pianist?"
  11. movieguy

    Donkey Racing

    Donkey Racing A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S a** SHOWS The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S a** OUT IN FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S a** This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST a** IN TOWN The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS a** FOR $10.00 This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER a** IS WILD AND FREE The Bishop was buried the next day.
  12. movieguy

    Elderly Humor

    Elderly Humor Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at that time of life. The 80 year old said : "The best thing that could happen to me is to be able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again." The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it is still a problem." The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00 am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I have a great bowel movement.. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up before 7:00."
  13. movieguy

    BB's Cake

    Three young boys were celebrating their birthday (they were triplets). Their mom bakes them a cake for their birthday party, but when she finished, she realized that she didn't have any treats to use to decorate the top of the cake. As an alternative, she used BBs (as from the gun). She forgot to tell the boys about this unusual topping, and each of them unknowingly ate the BBs. At midnight that night, one of the triplets ran into his parents' bedroom, yelling "Mommy! Mommy!" She replied with "What's wrong?" He screamed "I just went to the bathroom and BBs came out!" His mother said, "Do you feel alright now?" He told her he did and she told him to go back to bed. At 1am, the same thing happened with the second triplet. At noon the next day, the third triplet ran to his mother screaming, "Mommy, mommy!" She said, "Let me guess. You went to the bathroom and BBs came out." He replied with, "No. I farted and I shot the dog!"
  14. movieguy


    Great to have you back and you are welcome, NP here while you were out
  15. movieguy

    The Pastor

    The Pastor A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!" "Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked man in there — and he's only covered by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!" So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again." "Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"
  16. Stages of Life MALE AGE DRINK 17 Beer 25 Beer 35 Vodka 48 Double Vodka 66 Maalox AGE SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead. AGE FAVORITE SPORT 17 Sex 25 Sex 35 Sex 48 Sex 66 Napping AGE DRUG 17 Pot 25 Coke 35 Really Good Coke 48 Power 66 Coke, a Limousine, the Company Jet AGE A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 Tongue 25 Breakfast 35 She didn't set back my therapy. 48 I didn't have to meet her kids. 66 Got home alive. AGE FAVORITE FANTASY 17 Getting to Third 25 Airplane Sex 35 Menage a trois 48 Taking the Company Public 66 Swiss Maid/Nazi Love Slave AGE HOUSE PET 17 Roaches 25 Stoned-out College Roommate 35 Black Lab 48 Children from his first Marriage 66 Barbi AGE THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17 AGE IDEAL DATE 17 Triple Stephen King feature at Drive-in. 25 Split the check and go back to my place. 35 Just come over. 48 Just come over and cook. 66 Sex in the Jet on the way to Vegas. Female AGE DRINK 17 Wine Coolers 25 Wine Coolers 35 Red Wine 48 Dom Perignon 66 Shot of Jack with Ensure AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES 17 Need to wash my hair. 25 Need to wash and condition my hair. 35 Need to color my hair. 48 Need to have Francois color my hair. 66 Need to have Francois color my wig. AGE FAVORITE SPORT 17 Shopping. 25 Shopping. 35 Shopping. 48 Shopping. 66 Shopping. AGE DRUG 17 Shopping. 25 Shopping. 35 Shopping. 48 Shopping. 66 Shopping. AGE A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 Burger King 25 Free Meal 35 A Diamond 48 A Bigger Diamond 66 Home Alone AGE FAVORITE FANTASY 17 Tall, Dark and Handsome 25 Tall, Dark and Handsome with Money 35 Tall, Dark and Handsome, Money and Brains 48 A Man with Hair 66 A Man AGE HOUSE PET 17 Muffy the Cat 25 Unemployed Boyfriend and Muffy 35 Irish Setter and Muffy 48 His Children and Muffy 66 Retired Husband stuffs Muffy AGE THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 AGE IDEAL DATE 17 He Offers to Pay. 25 He Pays. 35 He cooks Breakfast the next morning. 48 He cooks Breakfast for the Kids. 66 He can chew Breakfast.
  17. Man charged with meth manufacture after pants explode Associated Press LaFAYETTE, Ga. - A Walker County man was charged with manufacturing methamphetamine after his pants exploded while he was talking to social services workers outside his home. Daniel Gabriel Doyle, 39, met the social workers at his front door Tuesday, walked to their car and sat down to fill out some forms, said Patrick Stanfield, commander of the Lookout Mountain Judicial Circuit Drug Task Force. "Finally, while he was sitting in the back seat, the front of his pants exploded," Stanfield said Friday. He said Doyle apparently had mixed red phosphorous and iodine in a film canister and stuck it in his pocket. The chemical reaction caused second- and third-degree burns to Doyle's testicles and leg, Sheriff's Maj. Hill Morrison said. He was treated at Erlanger Medical Center in Chattanooga, Tenn., before being jailed. --- Information from: The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, http://www.ajc.com macon.com
  18. It's Going to be a Rotten Day when... You wake up face down on the pavement. You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. You want to put the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city. Your twin sister forgot your birthday. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angles onto the freeway. Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your hat. The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. You wake up and your braces are locked together. You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business. Your blind date turns out to be your EX-wife. Your income check bounces. You put both contact lenses in the same eye. Your pet rock snaps at you. Your wife says "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
  19. Dentist Pleads Guilty in Naked Cycle Ride By Associated Press July 30, 2004, 4:05 PM EDT NANTICOKE, Pa. -- A helmet would be nice, but police here said clothes would be a good start when riding a motorcycle. A local dentist pleaded guilty to a summary charge of disorderly conduct for driving a motorcycle with a naked woman on the back. The woman faces more serious charges. Dr. Joseph P. Gronka, 39, of Scott Township, was pulled over June 12 when police noticed Lisa Drozdowski, 39, of Nanticoke, riding naked on the back of his motorcycle. Since then, Gronka has paid court costs and fines totaling $277.50. Gronka declined comment. Police said Drozdowski was belligerent when she was taken into custody and threw a small pipe into her cell toilet, then kicked an officer who tried to prevent her from flushing the toilet. She was charged with aggravated assault, simple assault, tampering with evidence, resisting arrest and open lewdness. * __ Information from: Press Enterprise, http://www.pressenterpriseonline.com Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com
  20. "Stupid" Gas Thief Wanted in San Joaquin County Investigators have a pretty good idea who tried to steal gasoline from a San Joaquin Valley farmer. The hapless thief was caught on tape. The suspect is 22-year-old Robert Flowers. According to the San Joaquin Couty Sheriff's Department, he was caught on a surveillance tape stealing gasoline from a farmer's tank in Escalon. On the tape, he can be seen becoming increasingly frustrated at his inability to open the lock on the tank. To get at the supply of fuel, he used a cutting torch to burn his way into the tank. Although he managed to avoid blowing himself up, he and his license plate were caught on tape. Law enforcement officials say the tape made it easy for investigators. "I think he's just plain stupid," said San Joaquin County Sheriff Baxter Dunn. "We've talked to him on the phone. After ID'ing him, we told him to come in. We saw him yesterday, but he got away." When Flowers is eventually located, he will face charges of vandalism, trespassing and theft. He is also wanted in Stanislaus County for a probation violation and has told officials there that he intends to surrender. to watch the action click links below news10.net
  21. Every Single Vote Counts -- And Single Voters Favor Kerry DALLAS (Wireless Flash) -- Every single vote counts and it looks like single voters are favoring John Kerry. According to a political poll by match.com, 49 percent of American singles want Kerry in the White House -- including 12 percent of single Republicans. Meanwhile, 35 percent of singles -- and five percent of single Democrats want to reelect George W. Bush -- as president and 17 percent are commitment-phobes and cant decide who they should vote for. Finally, 45 percent of singles want to dine with Kerry and his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, but 21 percent of democrats think Dubya and wife, Laura, would be more interesting dinner company ncbuy.com
  22. Promised gifts, they instead get jail Tampa police send 350 letters to crime suspects, telling them they'd won prizes; 11 show up and are arrested. By SAUNDRA AMRHEIN, Times Staff Writer Published July 29, 2004 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TAMPA - They showed up a little nervous with their letters, wondering what they'd won: Bucs season tickets? A 42-inch television? A thousand dollars? Instead, 11 people scored a trip to the county jail Wednesday after they fell for a sting operation that the Tampa Police Department disguised as a sports promotion. The department had mailed out 350 letters to suspects with active warrants for arrest on charges ranging from homicide to simple battery, said police spokesman Joe Durkin. Of the 11 who showed up, the most serious offender was a sexual predator who allegedly violated his probation. The letter described a "once in a lifetime opportunity" to win prizes in a promotion marking the opening of All Star Sports Promotions, which was really a company contrived by TPD. "The overwhelming success of professional sports teams in the Tampa Bay area is what has drawn us to your region," the letter read. "With the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the Tampa Bay Lightning and hopefully soon the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, we saw a great opportunity." So did the 11 suspects who showed up at an Ybor City storefront on 16th Street, hoping to claim their prize. When the suspects walked into the office, which was decorated with sports paraphernalia, they were greeted by a "receptionist" - really an undercover officer. She charmed them and eased their suspicions with talk of the company's recent move from New York. "Congratulations, you're a winner!" she told them, and then invited them to a back room to get their pictures taken and to select their prize. Once in the room, the suspects were greeted by a dozen officers, who arrested them and put them in handcuffs. "They were informed, "This is really the Tampa Police Department. We're putting you into custody for a warrant,' " Durkin said. "We had a couple of them laugh." The entire ruse - the idea of Officer Jamie Bryant - cost the police department about $50, Durkin said. The point was to help officers serve the warrants in a much safer, controlled environment. "It's always dangerous when you do a pickup on a person," Durkin said. The message Wednesday by Tampa police to crime suspects: Watch out, more surprises are on the way. "TPD is going to be looking outside the box at untraditional and new and creative ways to pick up wanted individuals and bring them to justice," Durkin said. Here are the suspects arrested, and the charges of their warrants: Dorian Burns, 19, grand theft auto and dealing in stolen property; Ernest Gillard, 25, criminal traffic violations; Phillip Straily, 21, sexual predator, violation of probation on original charge of lewd and lascivious act upon a child; Joshua Cain, 19, improper flotation devices and fishing without a license; Everett Lockett, 38, domestic violence, spouse battery; Katrina Tucker, 32, grand theft and fraud; April Green, 32, violation of probation for worthless checks; Marvin Simmons, 24, felony contempt of court; Robert Wisneski, 26, criminal traffic violations; Ronell Nedd, 44, criminal traffic violations and battery domestic violence; and Darrell Jones, 33, narcotics. © Copyright 2003 St. Petersburg Times. All rights reserved sptimes.com
  23. Thong-Wearing Men Arrested at Wal-Mart By Associated Press July 29, 2004, 10:59 AM EDT SCOTTSBLUFF, Neb. -- Two men who were arrested for walking through a Wal-Mart while wearing women's thong underwear blamed the stunt on a "triple-dog dare," authorities said. The men, ages 35 and 36, bought two pair of underwear at the store Tuesday, went into a bathroom and came out wearing only the thongs and T-shirts, police said. Witnesses said the men walked through the store and out to their car. Police caught the men in the parking lot, and reviewed a surveillance tape before arresting them for public indecency and disorderly conduct. When asked why they were wearing thong underwear, one of the men said a friend "triple-dog dared" them. They will not be prosecuted, authorities said. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com
  24. Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs WASHINGTON (Wireless Flash) -- Subway restaurants are being torpedoed by an activist group for running anti-American ads in Germany. The National Legal and Policy Center says it objects to the fast food chain's German stores promoting the documentary, "Super Size Me," with tray-liners portraying an obese Statue of Liberty with the tagline, "Why are Americans so obese?" HOFFMAN ESTATES, Ill. -- The three most hated words to kids, "back to school," may be the most expensive words for mom. A survey by Sears, Roebuck and Co. shows that 58 percent of moms spend at least $200 per child for back-to-school clothing and 22 percent spend $350 on school clothes for kids. School clothing shopping is never done according to 22 percent of moms who say they are "always shopping for back-to-school clothes." COLOMBO, Sri Lanka -- Lingerie maker Victoria's Secret has made an apology to the Buddhist community in Sri Lanka for using the Buddha's image on their bikinis. The company issued a written apology after Buddhists in the nation protested the company's swimwear. ncbuy.com
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