Jump to content
The Talon House


  • Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by movieguy

  1. Famous Last Words His gun ain't loaded These bears don't bite Pneumonia can't kill you It doesn't taste poisoned to me I don't believe in spontaneous combustion I can swim just fine I can dodge a bullet This isn't a live wire THAT'S the electric rail I can't smell anything burning I can't hear anything ticking No one is out to get me! He's bluffing These are edible mushrooms Let me drive, I'm not drunk The light is green! So what if I don't have a condom? I can handle a gun This isn't a real grenade I can get past the security guards This magic rock will protect me I can't be bothered to go back and get my helmet He can't hit an elephant at two feet That's a blunt knife he's got This is not a mine field That's not an active volcano This H isn't cut with rat poison The rope won't snap This bridge is pretty strong Cobras don't attack humans So what if it's midnight and I'm in the dodgy neighborhood? His death threat wasn't serious Don't worry, plane crashes are very rare This city hasn't seen an earthquake for 100 years This gas is perfectly breathable He won't find us in bed together This ice is thick enough to walk on There aren't any sharks You're just paranoid There's no death penalty in this country It's a small risk Look, Luigi, I can pay you on Wednesday My parachute won't open!
  2. Dog Attacks Parked Mustang Convertible By Associated Press July 28, 2004, 8:03 PM EDT AMITE, La. -- More than one dog has met his end by challenging a set of moving car tires. In this case, police said, the car didn't have a chance. Sheriff's deputies reported that a tan dog attacked a silver Ford Mustang convertible parked outside the owner's home. According to deputies, a woman said she was awakened Tuesday by a noise outside her house and found the canine attacking her car. The animal fled when she walked outside to find a chewed-up windshield wiper, gnarled hood hinge covers and teeth marks on the car's molding. A deputy also reported finding extensive scratches to the car's body and saliva dripping from the vehicle. The dog got away, said Chuck Reed, a sheriff's office spokesman. * __ Information from: The Advocate Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com
  3. Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream When I want you in my arms When I want you and all your charms Whenever I want you, all I have to do is Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream When I feel blue in the night And I need you to hold me tight Whenever I want you, all I have to do is Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine Anytime night or day Only trouble is, gee whiz I’m dreamin’ my life away I need you so that I could die i love you so and that is why Whenever I want you, all I have to do is Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine Anytime night or day Only trouble is, gee whiz I’m dreamin’ my life away I need you so that I could die i love you so and that is why Whenever I want you, all I have to do is Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream FADE OUT Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream Recorded by The Everly Brothers and Later by Glen Campbell and Bobbie Gentry in 1969
  4. Man Survives Alligator Attack With Punch By Associated Press July 28, 2004, 7:25 PM EDT TAVARES, Fla. -- An 11-foot alligator attacked a man pulling weeds along the shore of a lake, but he saved himself by punching the beast in the nose. The man was later arrested on grand theft charges unrelated to the incident. Guy R. Daelemans, 43, suffered leg wounds in Tuesday's attack on Lake Eustis in central Florida, Lake County sheriff's Lt. Todd Luce said. He was treated and released from a hospital. A trapper summoned by wildlife officials caught the 385-pound alligator, which was then killed. Daelemans was arrested Wednesday on charges including grand theft. He's accused of taking money from a homeowner to build a boat dock, then failing to finish the job. He was being held in jail on $50,000 bond. Last week, a 54-year-old landscaper died of infection two days after a 12-foot alligator dragged her into a pond on Sanibel Island in southwestern Florida. That alligator was also trapped and killed. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com
  5. movieguy

    Potato Family

    There is a Potato family. The Potato father and three Potato daughters. The oldest Potato daughter goes to the Potato father one day and says, "Dad, I have wonderful news. I'm getting married!" "WONDERFUL," says the Potato father. "Who are you going to marry?" The Potato daughter says, "I'm going to marry a Russett." "Russetts are outstanding Potatoes. You have my blessing. Get married and have a long, happy life." Then the second Potato daughter goes to the Potato father and says, "Dad, I have wonderful news. I'm getting married, too." The Potato father says, "What marvelous news! Who are you going to marry?" The second Potato daughter says, "I'm going to marry an Idaho." The Potato father says, "Idahos are also wonderful Potatoes. You have my blessing. Get married and have a long, happy life." The third Potato daughter goes to the father and says, "Dad, I too am getting married." The Potato dad says, "I can't believe this. I am so happy. Who are you going to marry?" The third Potato daughter says, "Dan Rather." The dad says, "DAN RATHER?! YOU CAN NOT MARRY DAN RATHER. HE'S A COMMONTATER!"
  6. Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs PRINCETON, N.J. (Wireless Flash) -- Despite those recent corporate accounting scandals, 70 percent of employees think their own boss is "trustworthy" although 23 percent say the big cheese is only "mildly trustworthy." Eleven percent don't trust corporate executives at all. BOSTON -- Couch potatoes are turning the Democratic Convention into a big party. Nearly 200,000 Americans are expected to watch John Kerry speak at nearly 5000 "convention watch parties" around the nation. LONDON -- It's a bit squirrely, but recent English soccer superstar Wayne Rooney lost a small fortune when his girlfriend chucked the $46,000 dollar engagement ring he gave her into a squirrel reserve. "The Sun "reported that she threw it away when she learned he had sex with an escort girl. Now the wildlife reserve is attracting treasure hunters looking for the ring. BROOKVILLE, Ohio -- A husband and wife couple both chewed up the competition at the first Swellin' With Melon watermelon eating championship. Nevada resident Rich LeFevre ate 11.22 pounds of watermelon in 15 minutes with his wife taking second place with 9.78 pounds. SAN DIEGO -- The U.S.S. Ronald Reagan aircraft carrier recently returned to its home port of San Diego, but sadly, a 550-pound replica of ship carved out entirely of cheddar cheese was decommissioned. The cheesy U.S.S. Reagan replica, donated by Sargento cheese maker, took more than 50 hours to carve and was used over the weekend as part of a commemorative event before it was put out to pasture. ncbuy.com
  7. Snail Mail Snags Postcard 37 Years Grover Home Headquarters A J Spas American A.W.S. Woodbury Country Club Stahl Eye Center Giovanni Rosso By Associated Press July 28, 2004, 9:11 AM EDT SEELYVILLE, Pa. -- Talk about snail mail: A woman vacationing in New Jersey 37 years ago popped a postcard into the mail and it just arrived at her mother's house in Pennsylvania. Dorothy Orth, of Seelyville in northeastern Pennsylvania, baffled her daughter when she called Saturday to thank her for the card. "What card?" Janet Richards, of Port Jervis, N.Y., asked. When her mother said it was from Asbury Park, N.J., she remembered. "I sent that postcard in August 1967, when my husband, Larry, and I were on our fifth wedding anniversary," she said. Orth received it July 17, almost 37 years later. In addition to the 4-cent stamp a 23-cent stamp was affixed, and the 18431 zip code was penciled in. The card was postmarked Aug. 19, 1967, at the Asbury Park post office, and July 14, 2004, in New York City's Brooklyn borough. "A lot of credit goes to the Brooklyn post office and whoever got the postcard to me," Orth said. That was Ernesto Perry, of the U.S. Post Office undelivered mail unit in Brooklyn. The postcard was behind a machine that was recently moved, Perry said. He said he added the zip code and the 23 cent stamp and sent it on its way. "We always try to send back mail whenever possible, it doesn't matter how long it has been lost or misplaced," he said. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com
  8. Brawl breaks out over a case of beer UNION-TRIBUNE July 27, 2004 OCEANSIDE – A fight broke out in Libby Lake Park yesterday when one group of men tried to take a case of beer from another, police said. Officers arrived at the park on Calle Montecito in time to see three men running away and one more starting to leave in a pickup, said Oceanside police Sgt. Lee Steitz. One officer held the truck driver at gunpoint while another officer tackled fleeing men one after another, taking them into custody. The 4 p.m. brawl started as a fistfight over the beer, but the would-be thieves then hit three victims on the head with bottles. One victim was taken to a hospital, another was treated by paramedics and the third went home, declining treatment, Steitz said. Three of the four detained for questioning were to be booked on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon and robbery. Steitz said it wasn't clear if the fourth man had taken part in the assault. sediata signonsandiego.com
  9. Here is a links page to many online writers site Gay Authors
  10. movieguy


    TalonRider is on vacation this week and he put me in charge of the board if any new member sign up and have any problem let me know and i will see what i can do
  11. Tallinn - A 31-year-old man who had just woken up from a drunken stupor after falling asleep overnight in a zoo in Estonia tried to offer a polar bear a biscuit - and had his hand bitten off. His screams drew security personnel, who promptly called an ambulance which took the man to hospital in the capital, Tallinn, the Baltic News Service reported. The unidentified man had passed out after consuming large amounts of alcohol with friends. He woke up in the early hours of Thursday, found the biscuit in his pocket offered it to the bear. Tallinn Zoo manager Mati Kaal, who has worked more than 30 years at the zoo, told BNS that it was the 11th time he had heard of such accidents, although "this is the first hand. In other cases it's been the whole arm". - Sapa-dpa iol.co.za
  12. Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. (Wireless Flash) -- Kids shouldn't play with bulldozers. That's the lesson learned in St. Petersburg, Florida, where four teens broke into a construction site, cranked up a bulldozer and smashed it into a portable school building causing extreme damage. NEW YORK -- Kiss bassist Gene Simmons is going to a new stage in his life -- as a motivational speaker. A new DVD, "Speaking In Tongues," shows Simmons wagging his tongue on a lecture tour of Australia and is being marketed an alternative to Dr. Phil McGraw and Tony Robbins. SAN DIEGO -- Cups are licking cones in the ice cream world according to a new survey by Dairy Queen. The study shows that out of adult ice cream eaters who down the sweet stuff at least once a month, 65 percent of them prefer it in a cup rather than a cone. FORCOLI, Italy -- Mama Mia! A new winner of the Italian beauty pageant Miss Cicciona, or Miss Chubby, has been crowned. The winner is a 20-year-old, 416-pound Giovanna Guidoni. Judges also dubbed 453-pound Fabio Teseo as Mr. Cicciona. ncbuy.com
  13. Hope you are asking the city council if they are joking and not me?
  14. Lead Story Walt and Kathy Viggiano of Wichita, Kan., convinced Judge James Burgess to return their four children from foster care in 1999, following their removal because of excessive unsanitariness of the family's mobile home. Unlike in many such cases, Judge Burgess realized, the Viggianos loved their kids, had not abused them and had no alcohol or drug problems. Also, according to police who made the initial investigation, Walt and the kids seemed to have warm conversations, even though entirely in Klingon (from "Star Trek"). [Wichita Eagle, 7-11-99, 12-2-98] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Penguin Sluts In 1996, Cambridge (England) University researcher Fiona Hunter, who studied penguins' mating habits for five years, reported that some females apparently allow male strangers to mate with them in exchange for a few nest-building stones, thus providing what Hunter believes is the first observed animal prostitution. According to Dr. Hunter, all activity was done behind the backs of the females' regular mates, and in a few instances, after the sex act, johns gave the females additional stones as sort of a tip. [bBC News, 2-26-98] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Litigious Society In 1999, a federal judge in Syracuse, N.Y., rejected another in a series of lawsuits by Donald Drusky of East McKeesport, Pa., in his 30-year battle against USX Corp. for ruining his life by firing him in 1968. Furthermore, Drusky sued "God ... the sovereign ruler of the universe" for taking "no corrective action" against any of Drusky's enemies and demanded that God compensate him with professional guitar-playing skills and the resurrection of his mother. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 3-15-99] The March 1998 trial in the lawsuit by Lesli Szabo (seeking the equivalent of almost US$2 million against a Hamilton, Ontario, hospital) started with her testimony that she deserved money because her childbirth had not been pain-free. Physicians said that painless childbirth could not be achieved without the anesthesia's endangering the child, but Szabo said she expected to be comfortable enough to be able to read or knit while the child was being delivered. She admitted to previous run-ins with physicians, explaining, "When I'm in pain, the (words) that come out of my mouth would curl your hair." (After five days of trial, the parties reached an undisclosed settlement.) [Edmonton Journal, 3-17-98, 3-21-98] If the Dogs Don't Growl, the Neighbors Can't Howl: In West Hartford, Conn., three years after O.J. Simpson was acquitted, renowned lawyer Johnnie Cochran defended two rottweilers accused of barking too much, but he lost the case. Cochran represented his friend Flora Allen (mother of basketball player and actor Ray Allen), whose dogs were the subject of numerous barking complaints, but he failed to persuade a judge to lift a 9 p.m. outdoor curfew on the dogs. [Hartford Courant, 6-29-98, 8-6-98] A jury in Birmingham, Ala., ruled in favor of Barbara Carlisle and her parents in their 1999 lawsuit against two companies that had overcharged them by $1,224 to install two satellite dishes. The jury awarded the plaintiffs a total of $581 million in damages. [New York Times-AP, 5-11-99] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why They Go Postal Letter carrier Martha Cherry, 49, was fired by the Postal Service in White Plains, N.Y., in 1997 after 18 years of apparently walking her rounds too slowly. Wrote a supervisor, of the 5-foot-4 Cherry: "At each stop, the heal of your leading foot did not pass the toe of the trailing foot by more than one inch. As a result, you required 13 minutes longer than your demonstrated ability to deliver the mail to this section of your route." [Gaston (N.C.) Gazette-AP, 9-14-97] Postal worker Douglas C. Yee, 50, was indicted in 1996 in San Mateo, Calif., for pulling off bulk-mail scams that grossed him $800,000. Found in Yee's garbage were notes he had written to God expressing gratitude for His continued help in evading police. Read one: "Lord, I am having a difficult time myself seeing you as a God who hides crime, yet your Word says that it's your privilege (or glory) to do just that." [san Jose Mercury News, 2-9-96] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Least Competent Criminals Fort Smith, Ark., police arrested James Newsome, 37, in 1999 and charged him with taking money at gunpoint from the Gas Well convenience store. The robber's face was easily identified from the surveillance tape, and the coat worn by the robber was found in Newsome's car. Also, Newsome's wife said the family car had a radiator leak, and a puddle of antifreeze was found beside the store where the robber parked. And, also, the robber wore a hard hat with "James Newsome" on the front. [Reuters wirecopy, 1-26-99] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Leading Economic Indicators Electrical contractor Akira Hareruya, 36, whose company went bankrupt, had taken to working the streets of Tokyo in 1999, trying to earn back the money by inviting passersby to put on boxing gloves and take swings at him for the equivalent of about US$9 a minute. He promised not to hit back, but only to try to evade the punches, and suggested that his customers further relieve their stress by yelling at him as they swing. He told the Los Angeles Times that he averaged the equivalent of about US$200 a night. [Los Angeles Times, 9-15-99] Purdy, Mo., banker Glen Garrett, 66, got in trouble in the 1990s and by 1998, according to a Springfield (Mo.) Business Journal report, had spent about $1 million in legal fees to fight federal regulators who had fined him because he wouldn't stop doing business as his father had taught him, that is, by handshake, rather than by the required, formal paperwork. In one paperless deal, Garrett hired himself to construct a bank building, but that upset the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. because there were no competitive bids, even though an independent appraiser later said that Garrett built the bank for about $300,000 less than the market price. [springfield Business Journal, 3-30-98] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Latest Religious Messages In 1998, Josh Hempel, then 16, in Calgary, Alberta, became the then-latest person to be hit by lightning shortly after ending an argument by inviting God to strike him with lightning if he was wrong. (The subject of this argument was whether God exists.) He was hospitalized but recovered. And at the Bathgate Golf Club in West Lothian, Scotland, two months before that, Father Alex Davie was playing in the Clergy Golfing Society tournament when lightning struck the tip of his umbrella and then, when he sought refuge under a tree, struck that, too. He suffered a sore arm but continued his round. [Edmonton Journal, 8-22-98] [The Sunday Times (London), 6-7-98] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thinning the Herd On the morning of Nov. 11, 1997, two best friends, ages 27 and 41, residents of Whitney, Texas, about 25 miles north of Waco, did what they often enthusiastically did when they encountered each other on the empty farm roads: They drove their pickups directly at each other in a game of chicken. That morning, they collided at about 60 miles an hour. The younger man was saved by his seatbelt; the older man, unbelted, died at the scene. [Houston Chronicle, 11-14-97] (Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679 or WeirdNews@earthlink.net or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com.) COPYRIGHT 2004 CHUCK SHEPHERD newsoftheweird.com
  15. Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs CHRISTCHURCH, N.Z. (Wireless Flash) -- Some women have Olympic-sized dreams, such as the New Zealand lady who recently tried to propose marriage to her favorite rugby star by running on to a field during a practice and stripping to her undies. So far, there's no word on if the player, Richie McCaw, wants to tackle a relationship with his fan, Mahlah Hoffmann. LONDON -- British TV producers are being criticized for a new proposed reality show where men compete to be the father of a woman's first child. The chosen man's semen is than paired with an anonymous donor and artificially inseminated into the wannabe mother. Despite the controversy, producer Remy Blumenfeld tell the Telegraph, "It's much more about the rule of science than the rule of attraction." NEW YORK -- New York Senator, Hillary Rodham Clinton is getting fussy over a movie about baby brokering she saw on the Lifetime channel. The film, "Baby for Sale," which was based on true events has now set Clinton off to introduce a new bill to establish national and tougher penalties for illegal baby brokering. SAN FRANCISCO -- A San Francisco panhandler is finally giving something back to the community. After begging for money outside of the Blue Room Gallery for years, a begger known only as Don has given the owner of the art gallery $10,000, a portion of the $187,000 he inherited from his estranged mother's estate. Don says he gave the money to the Paul Mahder because he always treated him with respect. ncbuy.com
  16. movieguy

    Dear Abby

    Sorry, thought i was log in !
  17. Yup, they got cop that get caught beating people on tapes the economy, money problem and so on then they got time for this! L.A. considers banning silly string Associated Press Jul. 23, 2004 09:33 AM LOS ANGELES - Silly string's days may be numbered in Los Angeles. The City Council is set to consider an ordinance Friday that would ban the substance from use in public places. One councilman says banning silly string is needed to clean up the streets of Hollywood and other areas where it is often used during Halloween and New Year's parties. He says the aerosol-powered spray string can clog sewers. Many others say the council is wasting time by discussing such a seemingly trivial issue. The ingredients of silly string are kept secret by manufacturers, but some kinds contain a small amount of alcohol and plasticizers. azcentral.com
  18. movieguy

    Court /Police

    Court /Police What Follows are Actual Transcripts from Real Court Cases: Q: What is you date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. Q: This myasthenia gravis—does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten? Q: How old is your son...the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said when he woke up that morning? A: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?` Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: How many trucks do you own? A: Seventeen. Q: Seventy? A: Seventeen. Q: Seventeen? A: No, about twelve. Q: The respiratory arrest means no breathing, doesn’t it? A: That’s it. Q: And in every case where there is death, isn’t there no breathing? Q: Tell us your full name, please. A: Mine? Q: Yes, sir. A: 555-2723. Q: Mr. Daniels, do you have any problems hearing me? A: Not really. Q: Where do you live? A: Pardon? Q: To the charge of driving while intoxicated how do you plead? A: Drunk. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: Yes, I have been since childhood. Q: Where do you live? A: LaPosta Trailer Court. Q: How do you spell that trailer court? A: T-R-A-I-L-E-R C-O-U-R-T. Q: Do you wear a two piece bathing suit now that you have a scar? A: I don’t wear a bathing suit at all. Q: That can be taken two ways. Q: Are you restricted in some way by having your third finger shot off? A: Yeah, a little. Q: What could you do before the accident that you can’t do now? A: Wear a ring on it. Q: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content? A: A dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett Packard 5710A with flame analyzation detectors. Q: Can you get that with mag wheels? A: Only on the floor models. Following are 20 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in some cases, the responses given by the witnesses with varying degrees of patience. 1. "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2. "The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4. "Where you alone of by yourself?" 5. "Was it you or you brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 10. Q. "So the date of conception (of the baby) was Aug.8? A. "Yes" Q. "And what were you doing at the time?" 11. Q. "She had three children right?" A. "Yes." Q. "How many were boys?" A. "None." Q. "Were there any girls?" 12. Q. You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A. "Yes." Q. "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 13. Q. "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A. "I went to Europe, sir." Q. "And you took your new wife?" 14. Q. "How was your first marriage terminated?" A. "By death." Q. And by whose death was it terminated?" 15. Q. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A. "So, this is how I dress when I go to work." 16. Q. "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A. " All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 17. Q. "Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A. "The autopsy started around 8:30 pm." Q. "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" A. "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 18. Q. "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" A. "Oral." 19. Q." Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A. "I have been since early childhood." 20. Q. "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A. "No." Q. "Did you check for blood pressure? A. "No." Q. "Did you check for breathing?'' A. "No." Q. "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A. "No." Q." How can you be so sure doctor?" A. "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q. "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A. "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." These were reported recently in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal.
  19. movieguy

    Why Ask Why?

    The following show that someone got way too much time on their hand Why Ask Why? Why is it when you sit around the house you don't actually sit around the house? Why do 10 pounds of groceries generate 50 pounds of garbage? Why is abbreviate such a long word? Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway? What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Why are they called apartments when they are so close together? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning? If nothing sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If your vehicle is going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio volume? 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the badgirls live. 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? 8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? 10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 11. Is there another word for synonym? 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" 13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping? 24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 26. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 28. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? 29. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 30. How is it possible to have a civil war? 31. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 32. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 33. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 34. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 35. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it? 36. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? 37. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 38. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 39. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket? 40. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff? 41. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
  20. The link to the following is funny i can see it now, be the first in your small town with this and the people will think that we got E.T. on earth wonderfullywacky
  21. Veteran Back George Signs One-Year Deal with Cowboys Fri Jul 23, 2004 03:26 PM ET DALLAS (Reuters) - The Dallas Cowboys signed running back Eddie George to a one-year, $2.2 million deal on Friday, adding a steady veteran to a young and unproven backfield. George, 30, had been released earlier this week by the Tennessee Titans after a salary dispute. He is the all-time rushing leader for the franchise, surpassing 10,000 yards in his eight seasons with the team. George told a press conference he was excited to join Cowboys coach Bill Parcells. "He has taken teams that were tinkering with success and mediocrity and made them into champions," George said. The Cowboys said the deal includes a $660,000 base salary and a $1.54 million bonus for reporting to training camp. Incentives could push the deal to over $4.5 million. A former Heisman Trophy winner named to the Pro Bowl four times, George has not missed a start in 128 games but in recent seasons has been affected by injuries. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- © Copyright Reuters 2004. All rights reserved. reuters.com
  22. Woman is stung; 60,000 bees killed By KRIS ABBEY kris.abbey@amarillo.com The Amarillo Globe-News Publication Date: 07/23/04 An estimated 60,000 bees died Thursday and at least one woman suffered multiple bee stings during a commotion surrounding removal of a bee hive. Local beekeeper Charlie Kroeger said the manager of an apartment complex at 3008 S.W. 28th Ave. called Amarillo Animal Control, which contacted Kroeger about removing the hive. What Kroeger said turned out to be a large hive was hidden from view between enclosed ceiling joists on an overhanging roof above a second-floor balcony. Kroeger, who has worked with bees for 30 years, said he removed a panel and saw the size of the hive and the aggressiveness of the bees. About 3 p.m., a resident at the complex drove up during the bee removal operation and started walking to her second-floor apartment. The bees began to buzz around her, Kroeger said. He advised her to go the other direction at a run, which typically would leave the bees behind. Instead, she made a beeline for her apartment, right next to the hive, he said. She reached her apartment with numerous stings and called 911, which dispatched paramedics, Kroeger said. The paramedics initially could not approach the apartment because thousands of agitated bees were in the area and bent on defending their hive, Kroeger said. Amarillo firefighters came to the scene and blocked off the street. Some firefighters donned protective suits and prepared to use chemicals to wipe out the bees. Kroeger said he stepped in with a simpler and safer method to kill an estimated three-quarters of the hive: spraying water. The woman who was stung went to a hospital for observation, Kroeger said. As to whether the bees might be an "Africanized" strain, Kroeger said there's no way to know unless the city chooses to send a sample to the state beekeeper in College Station for examination. "I will just say that they were more aggressive than average honeybees. There's no way to tell by looking except by looking under a microscope," he said. "They act like they may have some Africanized genetic material." Later, the apartments were quiet. One man who lives there spoke behind his door, which he opened a crack. "Better watch out. You'll get stung by bees," the man advised. Marcus Bell, a resident of nearby Covington Pointe Apartments, said he didn't know anything about the bees as he let his pug, Tone, out on to the lawn. "I'm glad I didn't take my dog for a walk today," he said. Globe-News Staff Writer Joe Chapman contributed to this report. © The Amarillo Globe-News Online amarilloglobe
  23. Flash Lites: Rip `N' Read Pop Culture Recap LOS ANGELES (Wireless Flash) -- Talk about an odd couple: MTV prankster Tom Green and low brow talk show host Jerry Springer are working on a TV show together. According to "The Hollywood Reporter," the proposed series would be a "week-in-review" program where the two gadflies comment on recent happenings in news and pop culture. NEW YORK -- Brandy's EX has dropped a bombshell: He was never married to the pop star. Robert Smith says he went along with a story about a "secret marriage" to protect Brandy's image when she became pregnant with their now-two-year-old daughter. According to MTV News, Smith has also confessed that he was dating someone else when he and Brandy conceived their child. LOS ANGELES -- Whoopi Goldberg's firing by Slim-Fast after anti-Bush comments is plumping up her fan support. A Los Angeles group of democrats has vowed to boycott Unilever, the company that makes the weight-loss product. ncbuy.com
  24. movieguy


    Authors of Begin Anew, Life In A Northern Town, The Quantum & more plus others authors, Rickdog, Write By Myself, Mark Peters, and many more Dabeagle.net
  25. movieguy

    Stink Bait

    A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir .....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00." She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
  • Create New...