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movieguy

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  1. Newspaper Headlines Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies. Eye Drops Off Shelf. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passenrs Should be Belted. Murder Suspect Sentenced to Death for Second Time in Ten Years. POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS STUD TIRES OUT PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS BUSH WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE 2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1000 IN '84 WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
  2. movieguy

    ODD FACTS

    ODD FACTS The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma. American car horns beep in the tone of F. No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright Bother's first flight. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA." Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public. Walt Disney was afraid of mice. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined
  3. Country-Western Song Titles Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm kissing You Goodbye Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me? Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2. Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him Please Bypass this Heart She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
  4. You Don't Know Jack Schitt Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn- Schitt. Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children. Holly Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, and then two daughters: Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt. Their Final child, another son, was named Bull Schitt. By and by, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. the Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they're awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. So, you not only know Jack Schitt, but his entire family as well! For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt
  5. Which condom would you use? Nike: Just do it. Toyota: Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi: You got the right one, baby. Pringles: Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos: The freshmaker. Flintstones Vitamins Pack: Ten millon strong and growing. Secret: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman. Macintosh: It does more, it costs less, its that simple. Ford: The best never rest. Chevy: Like a rock. Dial: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto: Cause hey... you never know. California Lotto: Who's next? Avis: Trying harder than ever. KFC: Finger-Licking Good. Coca Cola: Always the Real Thing. Lays: Betcha can't have just one. Campbells Soup: Mm, mm good. The Carl's Jr.: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face! General Electric: We bring good things to life! AT&T: "Reach out and touch someone." Bounty: The quicker picker upper. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today ? Energizer: It keeps going and going and going.... M&M: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!" Chevron: Use them? People do. Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border. MCI: For friends and family Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun! The Sears Latex: One coat is good for the entire winter. Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United. The Star Trek: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before. The John Bobbit: Riveted for her pleasure. Strong for his protection
  6. An Irish Mother's Letter Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know that you can't read very fast. You won't know the house when you come home. We've moved. About your father, he has got a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He cuts grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. I went to the doctors on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of Irish whiskey at the Dublin brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took 3 days to put the fire out. It only rained twice this week, first for 3 days and then for 4 days. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in 7 days, up she comes. Your loving Mother, P.S. I was going to send you 5 dollars, but I have already sealed the envelope.
  7. Lightning Strike Energizes Maine Man By Associated Press July 23, 2004, 10:17 AM EDT MADISON, Maine -- A Madison man who was struck by lightning this week says he feels "lighter and 100 years younger" than he did before the accident. "I'm feeling like my body is light. It's the best I've probably felt as far as energy in 10 years," said John Corson, 56, the day after he was struck by lightning while working outside his home. Corson thought the afternoon thunder-and-lightning storm had passed his home, and had gone outside to work on a renovation project when the lightning hit him. "It was like a whitish-blue, but it was so bright," Corson said. "I actually heard the snap, but I was paralyzed. It was like my whole body was just vibrating. It was like, a hell of a sensation. It was like chest pain, with someone's hand on my chest." The lightning left redness around his shoulders, he said. The bolt went through his body and tripped three breakers in the garage. "My knees buckled. I was able to straighten out," he said. "Then I was dumbfounded. Just dumbfounded." Corson, who has had three cardiac surgeries, spent eight hours at Redington-Fairview General Hospital after the accident while doctors tested his blood for any effect on his heart. He thanked both AMS Ambulance and the staff at Redington-Fairview for their outstanding professionalism. Corson said he thought people who are hit by lightning die, and he now believes in guardian angels. In fact, according to the National Weather Service, most lightning-strike victims survive, although they often report a variety of long-term debilitating symptoms. An average of 67 people in the United States are killed each year by lightning. In 2003, there were 44 such deaths. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com
  8. Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs TORONTO (Wireless Flash) -- Got a bad boss? Don't expect to get any help from your company's human resources department. According to a survey of visitors to the website badbossology.com, 76 percent of folks with bad bosses say their HR staff hasn't been helpful at all in dealing with their complaints. JOHANNESBURG, South Africa -- A South African woman lost a small fortune when she mistakenly spent a gold coin worth $1100 and plunked another rare coin in a parking meter. The "Cape Argus" newspaper reports the lady made the mix-up because she forgot to wear her glasses when she went shopping. All in all, she lost $2100. TOKYO -- The newest fashion trend in Japan is knife-resistant sweatshirts and coats to prevent kids from getting stabbed. The material is made from the same fabric police bullet-proof vests are made from. The coats, made by Madre, sell for around $420. NEW YORK -- People used to join the Navy to see the world, but now they can join for a free facelift. According to "New Yorker" magazine, all members of all four branches of the military can get free plastic surgery -- including nose jobs and breast augmentation -- on the tax payers' dime. The magazine reports between 2000 and 2003, military surgeons performed 496 breast enlargements and 1,361 liposuction surgeries on soldiers and their dependents ncbuy.com
  9. Three Wishes Each for a Bear and a Rabbit One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
  10. GREAT MARKETING SCREW UPs Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea". Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: 'Nothing sucks like an Electrolux'. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick". Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious p**** magazine. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa). Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate". The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth". When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
  11. Alabama It is illegal to play Dominos on Sunday. It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in a church. Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death. Alaska In Fairbanks, it is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose. It is illegal to a wake a bear for the purpose of photography, although it is legal to shoot a sleeping bear. A law in Fairbanks, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets. Arizona In Tucson, it is illegal for women to wear pants. In Globe, it is illegal to play cards in the street with a Native American. In Glendale, it is illegal to drive a car in reverse. In Nogales, it is illegal to wear suspenders. Arkansas In Fayetteville, it is illegal to kill any living creature, including insects. In Little Rock, if a man and a woman flirt with each other in the streets, they could be jailed for 30 days. A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. -Don't do it guys. California It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless it's a whale. In Pacific Grove, molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. In Pasadena, it is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss. It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license. In Long Beach, it is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course. In San Francisco, it is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear. It is illegal to cry on the witness stand in Los Angeles. It is illegal to eat oranges in a bathtub. Due to the ambled name of "Texas Instrument," the TI-82,TI-83,TI-83+,TI-86, and TI-89 were all banished from California. If caught with one, 4 weeks of prison is assigned. In Ventura County, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. Colorado In Durango, it is illegal to go out in public dressed in clothing unbecoming to one's gender. In Logan County, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep. In Pueblo, it is illegal to let a dandelion grow within city limits. Connecticut In Hartford, it is illegal to educate a dog. It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. In New Britain, the speed limit for fire trucks in 25 mph, even when going to a fire. In Hartford, it is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on a Sunday. Delaware In Lewes, it is illegal to wear pants that are form-fitting around the waist. It is illegal to fly over a body of water unless sufficient supplies of food and water are on board. Florida In Miami, it is illegal for a man to wear of any kind of strapless gown. Unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed. In Sarasota, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit. Georgia All males in the state between the ages of 16 and 50 are required to work on public roads. In Columbus, it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent position. In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road. It is illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless the shades are down. Hawaii It is illegal to appear in public wearing only swimming trunks. It is illegal to own a mongoose without a permit. Idaho In Pocatello, the carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless some are exhibited to public view. Also in the latter town, it is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city's reputation. Boxes of candy given as romantic gifts must weigh more than 50 pounds. Illinois In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or deformed to the point of being an unsightly or disgusting object are banned from going out in public. Also in Chicago, it is illegal to fish in pajamas. One more in Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera. It is illegal to speak English, the officially recognized language is "American." A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. In Oblong, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. In Gurnee, it is illegal for women weighing more than 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts. In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet. Indiana Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend. In Gary, it is illegal to attend the theater within four hours of eating garlic. Iowa State law forbids any establishment from charging admission to see a one-armed piano player. In Fort Madison, fireman are required to practice for 15 minutes before going to a fire. After lovemaking, men are NOT allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with their wives-or holding them in his arms. Kansas It is illegal for restaurants to sell cherry pie a la mode on Sundays. In Wichita, it is illegal to carry a concealed bean snapper. In Lang, it is illegal to ride a mule down Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat. In Natoma, it is illegal to throw a knife at any one wearing a striped shirt. Kentucky It is illegal for a woman to appear in a bathing suit on a highway unless she is a) escorted by at least two police officers, B) armed with a club, or c) lighter than 90 pounds or more than 200 pounds. It is illegal to remarry the same man four times. State law stipulates that a person is considered sober until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground". Louisiana In New Orleans, fire trucks are required by law to stop at all red lights. It is considered simple assault to bite someone in New Orleans, but it is aggravated assault if the biter has false teeth. It is against the law to gargle in public. Maine In Portland, it is illegal for men to tickle women under the chin with feather dusters. The most money one can legally win gambling is three dollars. It Rumford, it is illegal for a tenant to bite his/her landlord. In Waterville, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public. Maryland In Baltimore, it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks, no matter how dirty they get. Every person who has bowled since 1833 may be fined $2 for each offence. In Hale Thorpe, it is illegal to kiss for more than one second. It's illegal to mistreat oysters. It's illegal to play Randy Newman's "Short People" on the radio. Massachusetts In Salem, even married couples are forbidden from sleeping nude in the rented rooms. It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license. Dueling with water pistols is illegal. In Boston, it is illegal for someone to take a bath unless ordered by a physician. In 1659, Christmas was outlawed. Michigan A man legally owns his wife's hair. In Detroit, it is illegal to ogle a woman from a moving car. In Port Huron, the speed limit for ambulances is 20 mph. Under state law, dentists are officially classified as mechanics. In Clawson, it is legal for a farmer to "sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens". Minnesota Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus. In Minneapolis, double parkers can be put on a chain gang. Every man in Brainerd is required by lay to grow a beard. It's illegal to tease skunks. Mississippi It is still legal to kill one's servant. In Truro, a would-be groom must prove himself manly prior to marriage by hunting and killing 6 blackbirds or 3 cows. In Alexandria, no man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. Missouri In Saco, women are forbidden from wearing hats that might frighten timid persons, children, or animals. In St. Louis, it is illegal for an on-duty firefighter to rescue a woman wearing a nightgown. In order to be rescued, a woman must be fully dressed. While children may purchase shotguns in Kansas City, they are not allowed to buy toy cap guns. In Merryville, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male". Montana It is a felony for a wife to open her husbands mail. It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime. It Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels. Nebraska It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license. In Waterloo, barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7am and 7pm. In Omaha, barbers are forbidden form shaving their customers chests. The owner of every hotel in Hastings, is required by law to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. If I child burps during a church service, their parents may be arrested. It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup. Nevada It Nyala, a man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people. In Eureka, men are forbidden from kissing woman Everyone walking on the streets of Elko is required to wear a mask. In Eureka, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women New Hampshire It is illegal to sell the clothes one is wearing to pay off a gambling debt. It is illegal to check into a hotel with an assumed name. New Jersey It is against the law to frown at a police officer. In Neward, it is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his/her doctor. It is illegal to slurp soup. In Trenton, it is illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street. New Mexico In Raton, it is illegal for a woman to ride horseback down a public street with a kimono on. The Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary is banned in Carlsbad. State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet. New York In New York City, it is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing." In New York City, it is illegal for a man to ogle a lady. The accused are forced to wear horse-blinders. Also in New York City, it is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose, at the same time extending and wiggling the fingers of his hand. North Carolina In Charlotte, women must have their bodies covered by 16 yards of cloth at all time. In Ashville, it is illegal to sneeze on city streets. North Dakota In Fargo, one may be jailed for wearing a hat while dancing, or even for wearing a hat to a party where dancing is taking place. It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on. It is illegal to serve beer and pretzels at the same time in any bar, club, or restaurant. Ohio In Cleveland, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, for men can see the reflection of their underwear. In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell Cornflakes on Sunday. It Oxford, it is illegal for a women to undress in front of a man's picture. In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas. Catch-22 is banned in Strongsville. Oklahoma People who make ugly faces at dogs may be fined and/or jailed. In Schuster, it is illegal for a woman to gamble while wearing a towel. Oregon One may not bathe without wearing "suitable clothing," i.e., clothing that covers one's body from neck to knee. In Hood River, it is illegal to juggle without a license. In Marion county, ministers are forbidden from eating onions or garlic before giving a sermon. As of January 1, 2000 all 5 bedroom homes will be evacuated and searched by police for drug substances every 2 months. If caught in possession of Marijuana during the month of February, you will be assigned to two thousand hours of community service. It is illegal to be seen in public with the number 69 on an article of clothing. Pennsylvania Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear to be skittish, the motorist must take his car apart piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bush. In Morrisville, women need a permit to wear cosmetics. Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or the groom is drunk. Rhode Island In Providence, it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday. It is illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley. In Newport, it is illegal to smoke a pipe after sundown. South Carolina Every citizen is obliged to carry his gun to church. No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants. In Charleston, all carriage horses must wear diapers. South Dakota It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. Movies that show police officers being struck, beaten or treated in an offensive manner are forbidden. Tennessee It is illegal to use a lasso to catch fish. In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date. In Memphis restaurants, it is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners, it's illegal to take unfinished pie home and all pie must be eaten on the premises. In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself, unless a man is walking or running in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists. Texas It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts. A recently passed anti-crime laws requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and explain to the nature of the crime about to be committed. It is illegal to milk another person's cow. In El Paso, churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to have spittoons on hand. In Houston, it is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday. The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home. Utah Birds have the right of way on all highways. A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence. Vermont Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. It is illegal to deny the existence of God. It is illegal to whistle underwater. Virginia In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee. It is illegal for a man to kick his wife out of bed. It is illegal for a man to pat his wife's derriere. There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than canidates". Washington In Seattle, women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic 6 months in jail. In Seattle, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon longer than 6 feet. It is illegal to pretend one's parents are rich. In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night.) West Virginia In Nicholas County, no clergy members may tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during church services. It is illegal to snooze on a train. Wisconsin In St. Croix, women are not allowed to wear anything red in public. It is illegal to cut a women's hair. It is illegal to kiss on a train. Cheese making requires a license. Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese license. Wyoming It is illegal to wear a hat that obstructs peoples' view in a public theater or place of amusement. It is illegal for a women to stand within five feet of a bar while drinking. It is against the law In Virginia Beach, Virginia for a woman to leave her house not wearing a corset
  12. I think somebody that has way too much time on their hand
  13. 'NOTAG' tags bring flood of tickets By MARY ALLEN Staff reporter 07/22/2004 Jim Cara wanted a vanity license tag that would make people laugh. But when he chose "NOTAG" for the plate on his Suzuki Hayabusa, a sleek blue and silver motorcycle with a speedometer that reaches 220 mph, the joke backfired. The new tag arrived Saturday under an avalanche of Wilmington parking violations. "All the traffic tickets say, 'Notice of violation. License number: no tag,' " Cara said. City computers, talking to state Division of Motor Vehicles computers, had finally found an address for ticketed vehicles that lacked license tags: Cara's home in Elsmere. "I messed up the system so bad," Cara said. "I wonder if they can put me in jail or something?" He has received more than 200 violation notices. The mail carrier came twice on Saturday. Cara opened a few. They ranged from $55 to $125 for violations such as meter expirations. Cara, 43, who works for the American Motorcycle Association, said he's been a lifelong prankster. This time, though, "the cleanup is going to be worse than the joke," he said. At first, "I was scared to go out with it," Cara said of the Suzuki. So he called Wilmington police Saturday and said he gave the desk sergeant a chuckle. Then he called the city this week. John Rago, communications director for Mayor James M. Baker, said an incorrect computer code used by the contractor that processes the city's parking violations helped land the tickets in Cara's mail. City officials planned to have it corrected Wednesday, he said. Wilmington appeared to be the only jurisdiction with the no-tag computer glitch, said Kelly Pitts, spokeswoman for the state Transportation Department, which oversees the motor vehicle division. Delaware traffic officials screen applications for vanity tags primarily to prevent motorists from obtaining vulgar phrases on their license plates, she said. Cara's choice, while quirky, isn't distasteful. Though it appeared Cara's problem was being resolved, Pitts said Cara's best insurance against future problems would be to change the "NOTAG" plate. But Cara loves it. "I want to keep it," he said. "I think it's awesome." Reach Mary Allen at 324-2794 or mallen@delawareonline.com. delawareonline
  14. Questions that have Confused humankind!! a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" a.. Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt." a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? a.. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! a.. What do you call male ballerinas? a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?? a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn't he just buy dinner? a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? a.. Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse? a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your a**? a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind? a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
  15. The snake and the new glasses A old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
  16. movieguy

    Severe Autism

    The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word--ever. It was believed he was severely autistic. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."
  17. Once there was a man who loved baked beans. He would eat up to 5 and sometimes 6 plates at a time, but that always be followed with smelly, loud, stinky gas. One day he met a beautiful lady and decided to talk to her. They started seeing each other. Since he did not want her to smell his nasty gas after eating beans, he made the sacrifice, and stopped eating them. One year later they were married. On his birthday, the next year, he was coming home from work, when suddenly his car broke down. He called his wife to tell her what had happened, and also to let her know that he would be home a little late. She said she understood, but to hurry, because she had a surprise for him. On his way he saw a diner and smelled baked beans cooking inside. Since he had to walk 6 miles to get home, he figured that by the time he got there all the smelly gas would be gone. He went in and ate 7 bowls of baked beans. On his way back home, he was farting nasty and smelly gas. Finally he got home and on the door his wife had hung a blind fold for him to wear, so he wouldn't peek. She sat him at the table, when all of a sudden the phone rang. She made him promise he wouldn't peek until she got back. Unfortunately, his gas came back and he couldn't hold it in any longer. Since she was taking so long, he decided to let it go. He picked up his leg and let it rip. It smelled so bad, he had to get a napkin and fan so she wouldn't smell it. He wanted to fart again, so he once again picked uo his leg, but this time it was so loud and smelly, that it shook the windows and killed the flowers. After a couple of more farts his wife finally got off the phone, so he stopped. When she took the blind fold off to his surprise, there were 12 guests seated at the table.
  18. movieguy

    a Blind Guy

    One morning a blind guy was walking down the street. As he was walking he passed by a fish market, took a whiff, and said "Good morning ladies!"
  19. Cops work after struck by lightning PORTALES, New Mexico (AP) -- Lightning struck two police officers while they were helping motorists on a road flooded by a thunderstorm, but both men stayed on the job. New Mexico Police Officers Clint Varnell and Lance Bateman were sent to help people in about 15 vehicles stalled by a flash flood late Tuesday about five miles (eight kilometers) south of Portales, in eastern New Mexico, said state police Lt. Jimmy Glascock. They were struck after rescuing a woman and three small children from one vehicle in a ditch. "Varnell took the direct hit of lightning and Bateman took a side hit of lightning," Glascock said. "I was knocked off my feet and I don't remember much," Bateman said Wednesday from his bed at Covenant Hospital in Lubbock, Texas. "I remember I was laying in the water when I came to and he [Varnell] was standing over me." However, the men continued helping motorists until the water started to recede. "We couldn't go anywhere anyway. The road was impassable for a while," Bateman said. They eventually drove themselves to a hospital in Portales and were transferred to Covenant, where they were listed in satisfactory condition Wednesday, Glascock said. "All I have is a headache and a sore shoulder," said Bateman, who had been awake for 24 hours. The road where they had been working remained closed Wednesday morning. Bateman said he did not consider his work heroic, "just earning my pay." Besides, he added: "We needed the rain." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright 2004 The Associated Press. All rights reserved www.cnn.com
  20. Man Steals Atlanta Airport Baggage Tractor Wed Jul 21,11:33 PM ET ATLANTA - An airline passenger wearing only a pair of pajama bottoms stole a baggage tractor at the city's main airport and drove it onto an active runway early Wednesday, police said. Atlanta police say Robert W. Buzzell, 31, had walked out an exit door that had an alarm at Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport. Flights were not affected by the incident, which took place before 6 a.m., airport officials said. The man was stopped by mechanics who asked him for an employee identification card. When he could not provide one, they escorted him to an office and called police. Authorities said the man appeared mentally unstable. Buzzell, who had a ticket for a Delta flight, was jailed on charges of unlawful interference with security, theft by taking and reckless conduct. Police said Buzzell, of Warner Robins, Ga., told Delta employees that an alarm sounded when he opened the door to the tarmac, but that no security personnel were around. Airport officials said they are working with police and the airline to determine if security changes need to be made. yahoonews
  21. Man Tells Teller to Call 911, Robs Bank By Associated Press July 21, 2004, 7:55 PM EDT BARBOURSVILLE, W.Va. -- Authorities arrested a bank robbery suspect after receiving a tip -- from the suspect. Brian Fenton is accused of walking into the First State Bank in Barboursville on Tuesday and telling a teller to call 911 because he was robbing the bank. Fenton, 41, allegedly waited for the teller to make the call and then left with an undisclosed amount of cash. He was arrested by a deputy waiting outside the door, said Sgt. Mike McCallister with the Cabell County Sheriff's Department. "As soon as he walked out of the bank, he walked directly into the arms of Deputy Todd Wentz," McCallister said. No weapon was found. Fenton, who was charged with felony bank robbery, was being held Wednesday at the Western Regional Jail in Barboursville on $100,000 bond. If convicted, he faces 10 to 25 years in prison. * __ Information from: The Herald-Dispatch, http://www.herald-dispatch.com Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com
  22. movieguy

    Lessons

    Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him. The Moral of the Story: Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend. And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
  23. movieguy

    Mind Teazer's

    Mind Teazer's The Questions: 1. The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it? 2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible? 3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth? 4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? 5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a 20 German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers he defeated them 20 and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership in World War One From the Men of Battalion 8" Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don't expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the story? 6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agreed is between heaven and earth? 7. In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year? 8. A woman from New York married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died and she never divorced. How was this possible? 9. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills? 10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25? 11. A taxi driver was called to take a group of passengers to the train station The station is normally an hour away, but with extra heavy traffic, it took a full hour and a half. On the return trip the traffic was still as heavy and yet it took only 90 minutes. Why? 12. How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer. 13. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not? 14. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"? 15. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? 16. There were an electrician and a plumber waiting in line for admission to the "International Home Show" One of them was the father of the other's son. How could this be possible? 17. After the new Canon Law that took effect on November 27, 1983, would a Roman Catholic man be allowed to marry his widow's sister? The Answers: 1. A coffin 2. The child was born before 1776 3. Mount Everest, it just hadn't been discovered! 4. Clara lives in the Southern Hemisphere 5. World War I wasn't called "World War I" until World War II 6. The word "and" 7. They fall in the same year every year, New Year's Day just arrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year 8. The lady was a Justice of the Peace 9. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills 10. Only once, then you are subtracting it from 20 11. An hour and a half IS 90 minutes 12. "one word" 13. Penguins live in the Antarctic 14. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow 15. You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg 16. They were husband and wife 17. He can't because he's dead
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