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movieguy

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  1. The perfect man is gentle Never cruel and never mean He has a beautiful smile And keeps his face so clean. The perfect man loves children And will raise them by your side He will be a good father And a good husband to his bride. The perfect man loves cooking Cleaning and vacuuming too He'll do anything in his power To convey his love to you. The perfect man is sweet Writing poetry from your name He's a best friend to your mother and kisses away your pain. He will never make you cry or batter you in any way To hell with this stupid poem The perfect man is gay.
  2. It's Saturday morning. Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello" Says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, Honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming; then she tripped over the rug and fell down the front steps and she's just lying there. I think she's dead." Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying there, not moving. He may be dead, too." There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 867-5309?"
  3. A Pressman ask Bush a Questions! Mr. President Half the country love you, and the other half hate you do you have a answers for that? Bush I heard it was the other way around!
  4. Left out the most important ones!! Everytime you turn on the water you got to go to the bathroom kiss my a**
  5. *sigh* some of these hurt 25 Signs That You Are Getting Old 1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. 2.Your back goes out more than you do. 3.You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 4.You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck. 5.You are proud of your lawn mower 6.Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws. 7.Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. 8.You sing along with the elevator music. 9.You would rather go to work than stay home sick. 10.You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 11.You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?". 13.You answer a question with, "Because I said so." 14.You send money to PBS. 15.The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. 16.You take a metal detector to the beach. 17. You know what the word "equity" means. 18.You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. 19. Your ears are hairier than your head. 20.You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. 21.You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 22.You got cable for The Weather Channel. 23.You can go bowling without drinking. 24.You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it 25.You read this looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!
  6. Isn't It Ironic? A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore - where a tree blew over and killed him. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge - killing him. Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull. George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him. Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife. In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright. A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.
  7. Gone fishing A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up. The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One" said the young salesman. "Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "One hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars" said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him,"Your weekend's f**ked, you may as well go fishing."
  8. Potty Rage: Two Charged In Burger King Bathroom Battle POSTED: 7:58 am EDT July 20, 2004 UPDATED: 8:14 am EDT July 20, 2004 STRATFORD, Conn. -- Police have charged two men in a confrontation that could be described as potty rage. The situation developed Friday night when a 52-year-old Stratford man took too much time in a bathroom at Burger King, police said. Andres A. Diaz, who was in the john, and Joseph Manuel Augusto, 37, who was waiting to use it, got into an argument when Diaz emerged, police said. Heated words escalated into a physical fight. The two men allegedly bumped chests, then chased each other around the restaurant with their weapons. Augusto had a small razor pocket knife and Diaz brandished a Burger King straw dispenser, police said. No one was injured. Both men were arrested and charged with breach of peace and issued a summons to appear in court on July 27. © 2004 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved http://www.wnbc.com/news/3550569/detail.html
  9. If anyone tried the links today sorry the server was down, even the support page for the company was down. zoio so far it back up always something!?!!!
  10. Four Inmates Flee Jail, Return With Beer By Associated Press July 20, 2004, 1:04 PM EDT ROGERSVILLE, Tennessee -- With their cell doors accidentally left unlocked, four county jail inmates escaped only to return the same night -- with beer. The Hawkins County Jail inmates, who bought four cases of beer before returning to the jail, were charged Monday with escape and introduction of intoxicants into a penal institution, the Kingsport Times-News newspaper reported Tuesday. "I guess they thought if they came back they wouldn't be charged with escape, but they were wrong," Sheriff Warren Rimer said. Ridgy Dean Coleman, Jimmy Joe Stapleton, David Wayne Blizzard and David Allen Hopkins escaped Thursday night when their cell block doors were unlocked and a faulty control panel failed to alert jailers, Rimer said. Two of the inmates walked out through a fire exit, left the door propped open with a small Bible and made a hole in the exercise yard fence. They walked to a nearby market and bought the beer. The inmates did not raise alarm at the store because they were wearing street clothes borrowed from other prisoners. The crowded jail doesn't have enough orange jumpsuits for all of its inmates. The sheriff pointed out that all 36 inmates on the cell block might have tried to escaped while the doors were unlocked. "At least they came back," he said. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press www.newsday.com
  11. Welcome Cram make yourself at home and enjoy and post
  12. movieguy

    BUBBA DIED

    BUBBA DIED Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burned pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burned real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a*******." "What? He had two a*******?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two a*******. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a*******.'"
  13. Something you just can't explain A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
  14. Perfect wedding night A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancée will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancée will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth." "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
  15. Don't know if a few of these are still in the books, or are true but still a few chuckle now and then Strange/Stupid Sex Laws in the U.S. *In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm. *It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex. *In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. *No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. *Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you, or holding you in his arms. *Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown - if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!) *In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! *The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. *An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer! *A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. *In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.) *However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." *It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car in investigate. *Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. *Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term. *In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in. *A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons. *Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio - a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!" *No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed!
  16. There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11...Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
  17. A Fishy Story..... A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a B*tch!" "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is un-called for!" "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a B*tch fish!" Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a B*tch!" Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a B*tch I've ever seen." "Yes, it is a big Son of a B*tch. What should I do with it?" "Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a B*tch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a B*tch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!" "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a B*tch fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a B*tch?" "Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a B*tch." Sister Mary informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a B*tch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a B*tch", she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a b*tch for the Pope's dinner." "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!" "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a B*tch fish. Really." "Oh well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a B*tch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a B*tch." On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a B*tch!" proclaimed the proud priest. The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing. "And I cleaned the Son of a B*tch!" exclaimed the Sister. The Pope sat silent in disbelief. The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a B*tch, using a special recipe!" The Pope looked around at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You motherf**kers are my kind of people
  18. A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!" Silence Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
  19. When Reality Is Better then Fiction 1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked. 2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.' 3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car. 5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish. 6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passerby in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The passerby was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck. 7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol. 8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead. (I am not saying this is right... but I understand...It's a Chicago thang'...) 9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing. 10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his imcompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic. 12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery. 13. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport. 15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government, which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing white socks, Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens. Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was 'a public insult,' as it was a blind imitation of Westerners. 16. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."
  20. 10 TRUE STORIES OF IDIOTS IN ACTION 1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two $16 bills. 2. A man in Johannnesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. 3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. 4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. 5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. 6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. 7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. 8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. 9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. 10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
  21. movieguy

    Mr. Gay

    Sydney Morning Herald, Monday, June 15th 1999: "An employee for Ansett Australia, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat. Unknown to Mr. Gay, another Ansett Australia flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped". Ansett officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember. So when the ticket agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer, "Are you Gay?" The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded, "Then you have to get off the plane." Mr. Gay, overhearing what the ticket agent had said, tried to clear up the situation, "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!" This caused an angry third passenger to yell, "Hell, I'm gay, too! They can't kick us all off!" Confusion reined as more and more passengers began yelling that Ansett Australia had no right to remove gays from their flights. Ansett refused to comment on the incident."
  22. Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?" The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?" The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?" The first guy says, "I don't know." The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know sh*t?"
  23. movieguy

    Smart Dogs

    Smart Dogs Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."
  24. LOL before anyone say anything i was born in Arkansas and i saw many thing here that i will have to agree you would never hear some of these thing out of some of their mouth but i will add this in my howntown the Wal Mart shut the doors in the late 70's guess it too close to Memphis and everyone shop over there instead of shopping in town oh well
  25. Think i better go out in get some sun that just made me turn white as a sheets
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