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The Talon House

movieguy

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Posts posted by movieguy


  1. There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her with someone else.

    So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man.

    "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

    "Except what?" asked the businessman.

    "Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

    "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

    "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dildo,'" the old man said.

    "So what's up with this voodoo dildo?" the businessman asked.

    The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

    The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

    He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dildo, the door."

    The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dildo, get back in your box!"

    The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

    The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

    The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dildo, my p*ssy."

    He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

    After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dildo, my p*ssy!" The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

    After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her p*ssy, and wouldn't stop.

    The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dildo, my a**!"


  2. Bears

    A little Bear is at his custody hearing. The judge asks the little bear whom he wants to live with. Well, I don't want to live with Mamma bear, she beats me. And I do not want to live with Papa Bear, he beats me too. The Judge asks little bear if he has any relatives whom he likes. Little Bear says no. . . I want to live with the Chicago Bears, the don't beat anybody.


  3. Hillbilly Collapsed

    During a recent hot spell in Atlanta a hillbilly collapsed on the street. Immediately a croud gathered and began offering suggestions.

    "Give the poor man a drink of whiskey," a little old lady said.

    "Give him some air," a man cried out.

    "Give him some whiskey," she cried again.

    Several other suggestions were made and the victim suddenly sat up and hollered, "Will all of you shut up and listen to the little old lady?"


  4. Three Nature Lovers

    Three nature lovers went for a drive into the mountains one day to see if they could spot some bears. They wanted to take pictures of bears for their photo album. So they drove along an old dirt road until they entered the trees. As they rounded a curve, they spotted a sign that read: "BEAR LEFT."

    So they turned around and went home.


  5. Protecting Yourself

    In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fishing and Gaming is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. The department has posted the following notice:

    We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle any bears.

    We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

    It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

    Outdoors men should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear feces has little bells in it and smells like pepper.


  6. Highway

    A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.... Cop: "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?" Blonde: "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" Blonde: "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on." At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts. Cop: "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful." Blonde: "Oh... We just got off of highway 119.


  7. Blonde and Highway Patrolman

    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


  8. The Boy and His Glove

    A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

    Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?

    "Yes it is," the man replies.

    "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

    "No thanks," the man replies.

    "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

    "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

    "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

    "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

    The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

    "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

    "Yes it is," replies the man.

    "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

    "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

    "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

    "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

    "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

    "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

    "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.

    At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

    "Don't you start that crap in here now," the priest says.


  9. Road Rage

    A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the

    same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells:

    "PIG!!"

    The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "B*TCH!"

    They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes

    into a pig in the middle of the road.


  10. I saw a blonde at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".


  11. Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato, and Tuna Sandwich

    4 (4- to 6-ounce) tuna fillets

    1 tablespoon olive oil

    1/2 teaspoon salt

    1/4 teaspoon freshly ground pepper

    1 loaf unsliced French bread

    Vegetable cooking spray

    Basil Mayonnaise

    Bibb lettuce

    2 large tomatoes, sliced

    8 slices bacon, cooked

    Brush tuna fillets with olive oil; sprinkle with salt and pepper.

    Grill, without grill lid, over medium heat (300° to 350°) 10 to 12 minutes or until fish flakes with a fork, turning once.

    Cut bread on the diagonal into 8 3/4-inch slices, reserving remaining bread for other uses. Coat slices with cooking spray. Grill or toast each side until golden.

    Spread Basil Mayonnaise evenly on one side of each bread slice. Layer 4 bread slices with tuna, lettuce, tomato, and bacon; top with remaining bread slices.

    Yield: 4 sandwiches

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Memorial Day Barbecued Shrimp

    5 pounds unpeeled, large fresh shrimp

    1 celery bunch with leaves

    4 garlic cloves, chopped

    1 (2-ounce) jar cracked black pepper

    2 to 3 teaspoons salt

    1 to 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce

    1 tablespoon hot sauce

    6 lemons, cut into wedges

    2 cups butter or margarine, cut into pieces

    Place shrimp in a large roasting pan.

    Cut celery into 4- to 6-inch lengths. Add celery and next 5 ingredients to shrimp. Squeeze lemon wedges over top, reserving wedges, and toss. Place reserved lemon wedges on top, and dot with butter.

    Broil mixture 5 inches from heat (with electric door partially open), stirring often, 5 minutes or until shrimp just begin to turn pink. Reduce temperature to 350°, and bake, stirring often, 20 to 25 minutes or until shrimp turn pink. (Do not overcook.) Serve with French bread.

    Yield: 4 to 6 servings

    ================================================================================

    Memorial Day Grilled Hamburger Steak with Bacon 1 pound extra-lean ground hamburger

    1 teaspoon salt

    1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

    2 cloves garlic minced

    2 tablespoons minced onion

    1 tablespoon A-1 Steak Sauce

    4 slices bacon

    Either preheat broiler or preheat barbecue grill (oil hot grill to help prevent sticking). In a medium bowl, mix together (using your hands) hamburger, salt, pepper, garlic, onion, and A-1 Steak Sauce.

    Form into two 2-inch thick patties. Wrap 2 bacon slices around each patty; secure with toothpicks and grill or broil approximately 7 minutes. Turn and grill or broil other side 5 minutes or until until a meat thermometer registers an internal temperature of 155&degF. Remove from oven or grill and enjoy!

    Makes 2 servings.


  12. Nude Man In Spike Heels Causes Lockdown

    by 365Gay.com Newscenter Staff

    Posted: April 26, 2007 - 7:00 pm ET

    (McMinnville, Oregon) A man wearing nothing but women's high heels was the cause of a building lockdown by police in downtown McMinnville.

    The unidentified man was spotted sitting on a bench on the basement floor of a nearly vacant medical building.

    After a call to 911 dispatchers, two McMinnville police units responded and were assisted by deputies from the Yamhill County Sheriffs Office and the Oregon State Police. The building was locked down and surrounded, but alas, no naked man.

    The man was described as 40 to 50 years old, bald or with short white hair, of thin to medium build.

    He was last seen running down one of the building's hallways in the heels, police said.

    ©365Gay.com 2007


  13. St. Louis Style Pork Steaks

    4 pork steaks, about 1/2-inch thick

    Garlic salt and pepper, to taste

    1/4 cup Dijon-style mustard

    2 tablespoons brown sugar

    2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce

    1. Prepare medium-hot fire in grill.

    2. Season pork with garlic salt and pepper; grill directly over fire, turning to cook and brown evenly, for a total of 20 minutes.

    3. In small bowl stir together mustard, brown sugar and Worcestershire sauce. During last 5 minutes of grilling, brush sauce on all surfaces of pork steaks.

    Serves 4.


  14. Crock Pot Creole Zucchini

    2 pounds zucchini

    1 small green pepper, chopped

    1 small onion, chopped

    1 clove garlic, minced

    1 teaspoon salt

    1/4 teaspoon pepper

    4 tomatoes, peeled and chopped

    2 tbsp. butter or margarine

    2 tbsp. minced parsley

    Cut zucchini into 1/4" slices. In crock pot, combine zucchini with green pepper, onion, garlic, salt and pepper. Top with chopped tomatoes, then butter. Cover and cook on high heat for about 2 hrs. or until tender. Sprinkle with chopped parsley.

    Makes 6-7 servings


  15. Hungry Boy's Casserole

    1/2 c. chopped celery

    1/4 c. water

    1/4 c. chopped onion

    1/2 tsp. salt

    1/4 c. chopped green pepper

    1/2 tsp. garlic salt

    1/4 c. brown sugar

    1 lb. ground beef

    1 box cornbread mix

    1 lb. can pork & beans

    1/4 c. ketchup or barbecue sauce

    Heat oven to 425 degrees. Cook celery, onion and green pepper with beef, uncovered in oven for 20 minutes in a 9x9-inch pan. Stir in remaining ingredients, except cornbread mix, and cook 10 minutes more. During that time, prepare combread. Top with combread and bake another 13 to 15 minutes.


  16. How to move a computer

    Sometimes it becomes necessary to move your computer to a new location for whatever reason; installing/adding new hardware or just decided to move it for "easier access", for instance (note easier access in quotation marks).

    Whatever your reason is, this handy guide may help you alleviate some of the stress that always arises in such occasions.

    Keep in mind that this is a venture only to be undertaken by those who know what they're doing...and masochists.

    1. Bone up on your cursing. You will need it later.

    2. Pick a *good* spot to locate your computer. Don't be too picky; you will regret having started on this venture soon enough.

    3. Disconnect all cables, cords, power sources, cords and plumbing. Look at the black, gray & white spaghetti mess on the floor and sob. Refer to number 1. While you're at it, it helps to focus on cursing Bill Gates and Steve Jobs for making all this possible.

    4. Be sure to dust machine off, since it's been sitting for months in one spot, gathering a dust mound the size of Mt. Rainier. This is especially essential if you have asthma.

    5. Now that you've picked a *good* spot, it's time to replace all the cables, cords, etc. Make sure it's in a dark, hard-to-reach location.

    6. New computers have color-coded plugs and plugins to make assembly easier. This has no bearing on you since your computer is in a dark, hard-to-reach location and they're all the same color: gray. See number 1.

    7. Get a flashlight. Look for new batteries for flashlight you've left in the junk drawer for months. Go to store to buy new flashlight batteries since you don't have any. Rule number 1 is coming in handy now.

    8. While inserting various cords and cables, be sure to drop at least one on the floor behind the desk, where it will take a contortionist to retrieve it.

    9. Find out that your printer cable is now not long enough to reach the computer (see number 1). Oh well, you didn't use it that much anyway..

    10. Once you have all the cables, etc. back in place, turn computer back on.

    11. Sit, puzzled why computer isn't working.

    12. Plug monitor in.

    13. Ponder why keyboard and mouse don't work.

    14. Switch keyboard and mouse plugins.

    15. Call spouse in to admire your handiwork.

    16. Spouse informs you that he/she liked it better where it was, and to move it back.

    17. When asked why you're banging your head on the monitor, don't reply. It would only confuse him/her.


  17. SPEEDING TICKET

    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

    She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


  18. To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails,

    her mother tells her it'll make her fat.

    "I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter.

    Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man.

    "If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?"

    "You'll be fatter than that," says her mother.

    They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady.

    The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly.

    The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this

    stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl,

    "Excuse me, but do you know me?"

    And the little girl says, "No, but I know what you've been doing..."


  19. BLONDE COOKBOOK

    MONDAY: . It's fun to cook for Tom.Today I made angel food cake.

    The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to

    loan me some extra bowls.

    TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper.The recipe said serve

    without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a

    friend home for supper.

    WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly

    before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.

    I can't say it improved the rice any.

    THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.

    It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before

    Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

    FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the

    ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong

    with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

    SATURDAY:Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.

    He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps

    counting to ten.

    SUNDAY:Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but

    all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the

    hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out

    hamburger, much to my disappointment.

    GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am

    eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can

    talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with

    chocolate moose.


  20. While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza

    to go .

    He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like

    it cut into 4 pieces or 6 .

    He though about it for some time before responding .

    "Just cut it into 4 pieces - I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces "


  21. Wild horse ride

    Never was very good at riding horses, the wildest ride I ever had was on a shiny black stallion. Got in the saddle and started at a walk, but something happened and the stallion began to run, I started bouncing up and down and moving to the rear, before I knew it I just about slid off the rear but managed to grab the saddle horn and had just about managed to get back in the saddle and I fell sideways, it seemed that the stallion was running faster and I thought I was done for but the door greeter at Wal-Mart came out and unplugged it.


  22. Funny Signs

    Automatic washing machines; Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

    Bargain basement upstairs.

    Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

    Horse manure per pre-packed bag do-it-yourself.

    After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

    This is the gate of heaven. enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)

    We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

    The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

    Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner also.

    Slow cattle crossing. no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

    Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.

    Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

    Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

    Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

    Elephants please stay in your car.

    For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

    The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

    If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

    We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

    Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left.

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