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movieguy

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  1. How he knows!? One night as I was on my way home after visiting a friend who lived in the country, what looked like a dog in my headlights, ran out in front of me. I stepped on the brakes hoping I wouldn't hit the dog. I could not stop in time and I hit it. I immediately got out of my car to see if the dog was dead or alive. As I was approaching the dog, it started to get up and thats when I saw that it was a pig that I had hit not a dog. I must have just knocked the wind out of it because it ran off into the brush I felt relieved that it wasn't hurt. The next day there was a knock on the door. I opened it and to my surprise,it was a State Patrolmen. He gave me a ticket for being a hit and run. I couldn't figure out how he knew it was me that hit the pig. Because no one else was on the road when I hit it. The only thing I could figure out is the pig must have 'squealed'.
  2. Time Off I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing ?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days'. I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her '...And where do you think you're going?' She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.
  3. Funky News Headlines News headlines 01 Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Farmer Bill Dies in House Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Rescuers see bees, flee House fire burned out of control, Firefighters forgot to re-fill fire engine with water Art artists of nudist show their stuff Lost child found,return on own. rescuers still missing
  4. Country School MRS. SMITH WAS THE SOLE TEACHER OF A ONE ROOM SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY. JOHNNY, A MEMBER OF THE FOURTH GRADE CLASS, ALWAYS HAD HIS HAND IN THE AIR READY TO ASK OR ANSWER ANY QUESTION. SHE ATTEMPTED TO DISCOURAGE JOHNNY FROM DOMINATING THE CLASS DISCUSSION WITHOUT AVAIL. SO IT WAS THAT SHE OFTEN IGNORED JOHNNY. THIS ONE DAY SHE ASKED THE FOURTH GRADE CLASS 'WHO CAN USE THE WORD 'DEFINITELY' IN A SENTENCE?' THE FIRST LITTLE GIRL ANSWERS, 'THE SKY IS DEFINITELY BLUE,' BUT THE TEACHER SAYS, 'SORRY AMY, BUT THE SKY CAN BE GRAY, OR ORANGE, OR PURPLE AND PINK.' A SECOND BOY ANSWERS, 'TREES ARE DEFINITELY GREEN.' THE TEACHER SAYS, 'SORRY TIMMY, BUT IN THE AUTUMN THE TREES ARE BROWN.' FEELING SORRY FOR LITTLE JOHNNY WHO HAD HELD UP HIS HAND CONTINUOUSLY ASKED HIM TO CREATE A SENTENCE. JOHNNY ANSWERED,'I DEFINITELY NEEDED TO USE THE TOILET SEVERAL MINUTES AGO BUT NOW IT'S TOO LATE.'
  5. movieguy

    Petting Zoo

    Petting Zoo Recipe Ingredients 1 oz. Rum 1 oz. Wild Turkey 6 oz. Gatorade 1 oz. White Horse Scotch 1 oz. Tequila Mixing Instruction Mix all ingredients in blender until ice is crushed.NOTE: All alcoholic ingredients may be substituted with any other alcoholic drink named after an animal, but Gatorade is a must.
  6. movieguy

    Ranch Potatoes

    Ranch Potatoes Ingredients: 1/2 cup sour cream 1/4 cup bacon bits 1/2 cup ranch dressing 2 tablespoons parsley, chopped 8 oz. shredded Cheddar cheese 6 to 8 new potatoes ( unpeeled, cooked & quartered ) Topping; 1/2 cup shredded Cheddar cheese 2 cups French Fried Onions 1/4 cup melted butter Directions: Mix the sour cream, bacon bits, dressing, parsley and cheese together. Toss mixture with potatoes and place in a 9x13-inch casserole dish. Mix all ingredients together for the topping. Spread over the potato mixture in the casserole dish. Bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes.
  7. Throw Together Chicken Ingredients : 1 Chicken breast per person 2 small cans cream soup (chicken and broccoli are great together,use what your family likes) 1-2 cans chicken broth 1 cup water your choice: 1 cup rice or enough potatoes thinly sliced to cover chicken season for your taste Instructions : 1. Preheat oven to 375F. 2. Line 9x13 baking dish with foil (for easy clean up). 3. Place skinned and de-fatted chicken breast in bottom of dish. 4. Spread rice or potatoes on top of chicken 5. Whisk together soup,broth and water. Pour evenly over everything. 6. Top with grated parmesan cheese and bread crumbs for a tasty topping. 7. Cook until chicken is cooked thoroughly, time depends on number of breast used. You can also add your favorite veggies under the soup layer for a one dish meal. This recipe can be easily adjusted to fit anyone's needs and taste have fun playing with it.
  8. WOW!! sure been awhile since i been here! To all the members
  9. Hillbilly Mirror After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.' He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the Ugly thing he's runnin' around with!
  10. Smoke Signals By Mistake There was once a man who was traveling through the western United States, He stopped at a small town and went to the town's only saloon, there he stood at the end of the bar and ordered a beer. After taking a couple of sips, he took a cigar out of his shirt pocket and lit it. Between sips of beer he quietly blew some smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, the door suddenly flew open and a very angry American Indian stomped in, He stomped up to the traveling stranger and said 'One more remark like that and I'll bust your face in!'
  11. Boll Weevils Once upon a time there were two, male, boll weevils. One had acres and acres of cotton all to himself. The other had nothing ... not even one single cotton boll. The two weevils met the same girl weevil on the same day. They actually started dating her at the same time. As things would go, they both asked her to marry them at the same time. Can you guess which one she chose? The one with nothing. Know why? scroll down ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' He was the 'lesser of two weevils'!
  12. The Farmer Brothers Two brothers from Scotland moved to America, and bought a farm. They first bought their cows, and one brother left for the auction, 'which was many miles from home' to buy a bull. He told his brother if he found one he would sent a telegram to let him know, so he could come,and get it. Well, the brother bought a bull, but all he had left for the telegram ,was enough money for one word. After thinking for quite awhile he came up with an idea. He sent the telegram with only one word on it. He knew that his brother read very slow, so he used the word ' comfortable'. His brother got the telegram, and after reading it, he was on his way,because he read come-for- ta-bull.
  13. A Hillbilly learns about Native India mating ritual Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. "Was he crazy or what?" "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate." Just then they saw another cave. The second Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of Newspaper read...~~ "NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"
  14. January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!! March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!" April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... Power went out!!! May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open. September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel. November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December - Couldn't call 911.... "Duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
  15. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
  16. A sign in the local Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender." -MALE PROCEDURE - 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required distance to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. O pen car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake. { I don't use an ATM card }
  17. A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer; "I need to inspect your farm." The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field." The Agriculture representative said in a "wise" tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence; close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step. "Help," the rep shouted to the farmer, "what should I do?" he screamed helplessly. The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: "Show him your card!"
  18. "tex-mex" Mac 'n Cheese 1 lb Ground beef OR ground turkey 1 Bell pepper -- chopped 1 Onion -- chopped 1/2 c Mushroom -- sliced 1 cn Tomato paste 1/2 c Water 1 cn Whole kernel corn -- Undrained Salt, pepper, seasonings -- As desired 1 pk Macaroni and cheese OR Velveeta and Shells In large skillet, brown the ground beef or turkey with the chopped pepper, onion and mushrooms. Stir in the tomato paste and water and corn. Cook the macaroni and cheese according to package directions, adding milk and margarine if required. Add the macaroni and cheese to the beef mixture. Mix well and serve.
  19. Chicken Sandwich Casserole Recipe 6 slices white bread 4 cooked, cubed chicken breasts 1/2 cup chopped celery 1/2 cup chopped onion 4 eggs, beaten 1 cup mayonnaise 2 cups milk salt and pepper to taste 1 (10.75 ounce) can condensed cream of chicken soup 1 cup shredded Cheddar cheese Place 6 slices of the toasted bread in the bottom of a lightly greased 9x13" baking dish. Sprinkle the chicken, celery and onion on top of the bread, then cover with the other 6 slices of toasted bread. In a medium bowl mix together the beaten eggs, mayonnaise, milk and salt and pepper to taste. Pour this mixture over the sandwiches, then top with soup; cover baking dish and refrigerate overnight. Preheat oven to 325°F (165°C). Bake dish, covered, at 325°F (165°C) for 45 minutes; remove cover, sprinkle with cheese, and bake for another 30 minutes, uncovered. Remove from oven and let cool and set for 10 minutes before serving.
  20. Couple plans cemetery wedding Hearse-driving Missouri couple plans cemetery wedding The Associated Press Updated: 3:14 a.m. CT Feb 19, 2007 PACIFIC, Mo. - It's not the traditional "till death do us part," but Scott Amsler and Miranda Patterson believe getting hitched in a graveyard is just thinking outside the box. Come September, the Illinois couple expects to pledge their undying love among the dearly departed in this St. Louis suburb's city cemetery, even though those who approved the request are dead set against seeing it become a trend. The wedding wouldn't be out of character for Amsler, 27, a computer expert for a financial company by day and rehabber of old hearses by night. The graveyard, he said, just has a certain tranquility and thriftiness for nuptials the young couple insists will be small, private and traditional — except for the bagpipes, Amsler's refurbished hearse and the throng of eternally silent witnesses. "People are going to think how they want. I don't actively try to convince people that my interests are normal or logical," Amsler said. "I'm not a freak or Satan worshipper or cult member. It just goes with our theme." Deep down, the couple said, it just seemed right. Amsler and Patterson, who recently moved to Collinsville, Ill., became an item not long after they met in November 2005 at a birthday party where Patterson, 21, was to have been the celebrant's blind date. Amsler showed up in a retooled hearse that caught Patterson's eye. ‘I wanted a ride in it, but I chickened out’ "I wanted a ride in it, but I chickened out at the last minute," she said. By their first date weeks later, on New Year's Eve, Patterson knew Amsler was the one. Not long afterward, she quit her factory job in Sullivan, Mo., and moved in with Amsler in Troy, Ill. Amsler proposed last June, affixing to the side of the 1965 hearse — which the two call "Edgar" — a plate with a simple message: "Will you marry me?" Seconds later, the ring slid onto a crying Patterson's finger. She received Edgar as an engagement gift and had only one stipulation: The wedding had to be outside, in a gazebo. Her worries were laid to rest while she and Amsler drove to her dad's house. While traveling on Interstate 44, Patterson spotted a gazebo on a hilltop, only to find it was in a graveyard. No worries. "The view was just gorgeous," she said. "I said, `This is where I want to get married.'" When the couple called last fall for permission to use the three-acre cemetery, which dates to the Civil War, City Clerk Jo Ann Hoehne told them the local cemetery committee would have to decide. ‘Just a normal young couple’ "When I spoke to them, they were just a normal young couple who wanted to have a wedding someplace they thought was nice and serene for a very small, intimate wedding," Hoehne said. "They weren't any cult group or anything like that." Bill Hohman, a 71-year-old alderman on the cemetery panel, wasn't sure what to think. "It's strange to me. This is kind of an unusual thing around here," he said of the country town where the roughly 5,700 residents "roll up the sidewalks at 9 o'clock, and everyone goes to bed." The committee last month signed off on the couple's request despite concerns about the appropriateness of the setting for the occasion — and fears that a burial might be scheduled for the same time. Hohman, though, vows to introduce a measure to make Amsler-Patterson nuptials the last among this town's tombstones. "Once the horse is out of the barn, you have to have an ordinance," he said. But Patterson said she and Amsler have respect for the living and the dead. "We're not going to do anything stupid or horrible. We just want to have a wedding," she said. "Some of the ladies I work with said, `Are you crazy? Why would you get married in a cemetery?' Does it matter where we get married, just as long as we get married?" © 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. links
  21. I don't blame Daniel Radcliff for making waves before the end of the Harry series. i think he should myself. and i think the backside photos is touch up. maybe a skin outfit to keep from having it banned in some countriesstill he need to workout a little LOL i read two different stories. one is from the director or producer of the play saying something about how big he was! leave it to them to give more headline (which i read was a standing ovations the other night!) another is that Daniel himself been having trouble getting date because he is like a horse there! (must be something about horses lol) that he can't get date? excuse me!!! never heard of a girl turning down for that before!? oh well. i wish him luck on the play. believe it or not. i've never seen a Harry Potters movies and i ran a dvd store!
  22. New Car Radio A woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years of income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-butt, dream mobile. She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates: "Classical," he says. "click" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues," she says, and "click" a B.B. King classic plays. She drives off amazed. "Country," she says, and "click" a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Folk" and "click" Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down. "New Age" and "click" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on. She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "A**HOLE!!!" she screams. "click" "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
  23. Have anyone seen the bare bottom of what his name! the one that plays Harry i would link it. but not here. i laugh, i thought to myself. where has that butt been!? now some of the ladies love it that i saw in blogs. to me. as skinny as he is. he sure has a old looking butt! i seen X-rated stars in their 40's that look younger! don't know if it the real promo shot for the play or what. i hope it not. i hate to see that hiney 10 years from now! might look like Mick Jaggers face EWWWWW and they make jokes about France people teeth!! it not that bad.....i thought it would have been better, and what i love is.....Drudge is the one that posted it.....17 year old huh!!! ain't that child pho......naw. not on a conservaite site right!! Right!!
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