movieguy

Chapter 26 of The Closing is posted http://www.josephmen.com/

Doris Day' p**** shock By SUN ONLINE REPORTER A DEVOUT Baptist couple spoke today of their disgust after they claimed they bought a classic musical DVD featuring Doris Day from their local supermarket, only to discover it was an Italian p*** film. Alan and Anne Leigh-Browne, from Wellington, Somerset, had been expecting to enjoy watching the Pajama Game, a romantic comedy featuring the 1950's icon. Instead the shocked pensioners said they were confronted by raunchy sex film - Tettone che Passione, which roughly translates as Breasts of Passion. Retired doctor Alan, 67, said he picked up the film, which was sealed in plastic wrapping, for £2.99 from the bargain bin of a Safeway supermarket in nearby Taunton last Monday. On Thursday the couple, who are regular attenders of their local Baptist church, settled down with a cup of tea to watch the 1957 film which has a U (universal) certificate. Mr Leigh-Browne explained: "We are big fans of Doris Day and were looking forward to the film, but we knew something was amiss when a warning flashed up on the screen advising under 18s not to carry on watching. "Then some topless young women appeared and started talking in Italian - we were horrified, it's not what you expect from a Doris Day film. "It was a pretty raunchy, explicit film, it certainly pulled no punches. My wife and I were very shocked but we watched it until the end because we couldn't believe what we were seeing. "The film became progressively more graphic, there was no plot to it, it was just sex." Alan and his wife Anne, 60, a retired teacher, said they complained to Safeway the following day. A spokeswoman for Morrisons, who now run Safeway, said they would be willing to investigate the incident. She said: "Regrettably the customers involved would neither leave their contact details nor return the DVD to their nearest store or head office after being urged to do so on several occasions. "We are anxious to undertake a thorough investigation into this isolated incident, however until we receive the product and proof of purchase this cannot take place." But the Leigh-Brownes, who are still to pick up a copy of the original Pajama Game, are anxious that the p*** film could have fallen into the wrong hands. Mr Leigh Browne added: "Our biggest concern with the whole episode was that small children could easily have bought the film and been exposed to its content. It was in the bargain bin alongside other children's films. "There must be some way of ensuring that this cannot happen." thesun.com.uk

p*** tape on Greek school bus Thu Jan 27, 2005 1:36 PM GMT ATHENS (Reuters) - A bus driver shuttling pupils to school in northern Greece shocked their parents when he put on a p*** tape, say officials. The incident on Tuesday in the town of Kilkis prompted dozens of complaints by parents who have asked the bus company to sack him. "The driver said 'kids we've got p***, do you want to watch it'," one of the pupils told reporters on Thursday. "Everyone started shouting yes, yes and he just put in a tape and we watched it on the small TV screens on the bus." The children were aged 12 to 15. The bus company will meet on Friday to decide what action to take against the driver, local government officials said. © Reuters 2005. All rights reserved. Reuters.com

Examiner finds man breathing in morgue Jan 26, 2005 (RALEIGH, N.C.) — A medical examiner studying a body in a morgue was startled when the man took a shallow breath. Emergency medical technicians had declared 29-year-old Larry D. Green dead almost two hours earlier, after he was hit by a car. Medical examiner J.B. Perdue was called to the accident scene Monday but did not examine Green then. Later, he was documenting Green's injuries when he noticed the man was breathing. "I had to look twice myself just to make sure it was there, that's how subtle it was," Perdue said. Green, 29, was taken to Duke University Medical Center in Durham, where he was in critical condition Wednesday. Several members of the Franklin County emergency medical service have been suspended pending an investigation, said Darnell Batton, the county attorney. Copyright 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. abc7.com

Gambler Sues MGM Mirage, Says Preyed on Addiction Jan 26, 8:40 AM (ET) LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - A Southern California man has sued MGM Mirage for preying on his gambling addiction and inducing him to borrow and lose millions of dollars at its Las Vegas casinos. The suit was filed on Monday in a Los Angeles U.S. District Court by Shibley Horaney, a resident of Newport Beach, California, who says that since 1995 he has lost and paid back about $4 million on credit provided to him by the MGM Grand and $1 million on credit from The Mirage casino. In 2003, he borrowed and lost another $475,000, which the casinos are still seeking to collect. Alan Feldman, a spokesman for MGM Mirage, declined to comment specifically on Horaney's suit, but said similar lawsuits in the past have been shown to have no merit. "There are lots of cases where people make their own decisions and choices then turn around and sue the casino," he said. The suit alleges that MGM contacted Horaney over the phone and by mail over a period of at least nine years, offering to provide free transpiration and hotel rooms as well as lines of credit to gamble at the casinos. The lawsuit argues that California law bars such predatory conduct and does not allow collection of gambling losses. iwon.com

Drunken robins bobbin' along Not all are party animals, but a lot of them are here, and some are drunk off their feathers on berries. By BILL VARIAN, Times Staff Writer Published January 26, 2005 TAMPA - Fun fact No. 1 about robins: They can't hold their berries. In early spring, they'll gorge on overripe mulberries, and get a little tipsy in the process. Fun fact No. 2 (for people who appreciate birds, anyway): There's a ton of them flying around the Tampa Bay area right now. "This is probably the largest invasion we've had in many years," said Joyce King, president of the Audubon Society chapter in St. Petersburg. "Often we'll have none in this area until they begin their migration north in March or April. It's rather a mystery." A Hitchcockian mystery with a soundtrack that goes something like cheerily cheer-up cheerio, with the occasional, rapid-fire tut tut tut. Biologists who watch birds in this area speculate that a harsher and wetter winter farther north - where robins are considered a sign of spring - is causing them to form a sort of temporary headquarters here. They may not be able to find so many worms or other soft insects, but they can at least feast on fruits and berries that are abundant in the Florida winter. "My best guess is that some of the cold fronts we've had recently are pushing more of the birds further south, compared to some years when it's warmer here and it's warmer elsewhere," said Alex Kropp, a wildlife biologist for the southwest regional office of the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. Rich Paul, a wildlife biologist and former manager of the Audubon Society's Florida Coastal Islands Sanctuary, said birders have been spotting a few other species not so common this far south at this time of year. They include American goldfinches, pine siskins and cedar waxwings. But robins have been particularly abundant in recent weeks, flocking bay area neighborhoods by the hundreds. "Isn't it great?" said Norma Lopez-Bean, a master gardener who lives in Beach Park and has a half-dozen bird baths in her yard. "I woke up the other day, and I've never seen so many. There must have been hundreds. "They're beautiful. I wish they'd stay." The American robin - scientific name Turdus migratorius - ranges throughout the United States, including Alaska in summer, and parts of Canada. They are the state bird of Michigan, Wisconsin and Connecticut. The red-breasted bird typically is found in Florida any time from October to April. Generally speaking, robins don't breed here, though there have been a few documented cases. So if they appear a little plump now, that's not because they're pregnant or particularly well-fed. It's just gotten a little colder here than robins particularly like. They prefer weather no colder than 34 degrees. So with temperatures dancing around the freezing point at night, the robins, like other birds, fluff out their feathers to trap warm air near their bodies, like a down jacket. They don't necessarily flock to bird feeders, not being real seed eaters. Want them around? Try plopping a few raisins, or maybe some bread crumbs, on an open feeding station (as opposed to one of those cylindrical tubes). Otherwise, they're more likely to run about your lawn - not hopping like some other birds - stopping occasionally to look for bugs. Robins are not quite welcome by all. Their taste for berries includes strawberries. In older, less politically correct days, farmers would pay children a penny a bird to shoot them, Paul said. Now they're more likely to employ border collies or other nonlethal methods of chasing them off. In fact, robins are not particularly discriminating. They also like Brazilian pepper and carrot-wood berries, two invasive species they are blamed for helping to spread. Also, they, along with cedar waxwings, occasionally dine on something a little overly ripe for their own good. They'll flock to mulberry bushes for their berries, as well as the bugs they tend to attract. In late winter or early spring, the berries can become intoxicating. "Sometimes the birds will have one too many," Paul said. "They become a little looped. So it becomes fun to watch them." © Copyright 2003 St. Petersburg Times. All rights reserved sptimes.com

Writing Tickets One day, Tom went to the store. He was only in there for about five minutes and when he came out, there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. Tom approached the cop and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" The cop ignored him and continued writing the ticket. So, Tom called him a pencil-necked geek. The cop glared at him and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So, Tom called him a horse's a**. The cop finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then, he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about fifteen minutes. The more Tom abused the cop, the more tickets he wrote. Tom didn't give a damn. His car was parked around the corner!

At The Candy Store Three guys enter a candy store. The first guy approaches the clerk and asks for 10 cents worth of jellybeans. Since the jellybeans are on the top shelf, the clerk goes into another room, brings out a ladder, gets the jellybeans down, takes out 10 cents worth, puts the jellybeans back on the top shelf, and puts the ladder away. Then, he goes to the second guy and asks what he wants. He, too, wants 10 cents worth of jellybeans. So, the clerk goes into the other room, brings out the ladder, gets the jellybeans down and takes out 10 cents worth. Before putting them back up on the top shelf, he turns to the third guy and asks, "Do you want 10 cents worth of jellybeans?" "No, thank you," he replies. Hearing that, the clerk puts the jellybeans back up on the top shelf and puts the ladder away. He returns to the third guy and asks, "So, what would you like?" "I'd like 5 cents worth of jellybeans!" he replies.

Botched Vasectomy While performing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and accidentally cut off one of the man's testicles. In order to avoid a huge malpractice suit, the doctor replaced the missing testicle with an onion. A few weeks later, the man returned to the doctor for a check-up. "How's your sex life?" asked the doctor. "Pretty good," the man replied, "but I have been having some strange side effects." "Such as?" the doctor asked nervously. "Well, every time I urinate my eyes water," explained the man. "When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn, and every time I pass a hot dog stand, I get a hard-on."

New Brother Chapter 11 by Greame is now links at the site http://excoboard.com/exco/index.php?boardid=5252

[Games] Ant City - Destroy things with a huge magnifying glass links

I'm not sure what the pics mean for this story, or what the pic may look like to you? clcick on links LINKS

Well i was gonna post 1125.7 but forget it Jan

Woman hospitalised by tiger painting A Chinese pensioner had to be taken to hospital after she mistook a painting of a tiger for the real thing. The woman, in her 70s, spotted the 'tiger' in a dark alleyway after shopping at a nearby supermarket. According to Shanghai Evening Post, she screamed, turned and ran after seeing a 'tiger' coming at her. But the woman, who the paper named as Mrs Wang, slipped on ice and fell heavily. Passersby rushed to Mrs Wang's aid to find her nervously stammering: "Tiger, tiger, there's a tiger" and pointing down the alleyway. But the tiger turned out to be a painting hung in a calligraphy and painting shop window. To draw business, the shop owner had put a light behind the paint to create a lifelike impression. www.ananova.com

Man Jailed For Faking Heart Attacks To Avoid Paying For Meals POSTED: 8:17 am EST January 24, 2005 MACHIAS, Maine -- A 54-year-old man who routinely complained of fake chest pains to avoid paying the tab for restaurant meals may have gotten his just desserts. A judge sentenced Elias I. Elias on Friday to 90 days in jail after he pleaded guilty to theft of services. The sentence followed the recommendation of District Attorney Paul Cavanaugh, who said the Aug. 5 incident at the Townhouse Restaurant marked the 13th time that Elias tried to skip out on the check by pretending he had trouble breathing and was having a heart attack. "He has 18 convictions just since 2003," the year Elias moved to Maine from California, and has been jailed numerous times, Cavanaugh said. Authorities said Elias would order dinner and drinks, eat and enjoy, then fake his need for medical assistance when the check arrived. He would be taken to a local hospital but usually left before police arrived. Elias' court-appointed attorney, Jeffrey Davidson, told the judge that the homeless and unemployed man just wanted to eat a restaurant meal "like anybody else." "Even if he didn't have dignity, he wanted to feel like he did," Davidson said. Copyright 2005 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved. wftv.com

My favorite Carson bit Carnak: Sis. Boom. Bah. Ed: Sis Boom Bah. Carnak: (says something about a camel impregnating Ed's sister, opens envelope and reads) Describe the sound of an exploding sheep. Carnak: A 1964 Dodge, a day-old pastry, and you. Open: Name an old Dart, an old tart and an old fart. Answer: Bjorn Borg Envelope: Describe the sound of two fat people getting romantic Answer: Persian, Volkswagens, Dolly Parton Envelope: Name some famous rugs, bugs, and jugs

Tabloid fires 'Yahoo baby' reporter By Lester Haines Published Monday 24th January 2005 14:41 GMT Romanian tabloid Libertatea has fired the reporter who fabricated a story claiming that a couple had named their baby Yahoo, Reuters reports. Ion Garnod walked the plank after admitting he made the whole thing up "to look good". A birth certificate accompanying the story turned out to be that of Garnod's own son. The paper's deputy ed, Simona Ionescu, said: "If it were real, it would have been a good story indeed." Yes it would, and El Reg duly ran the heartwarmer after Reuters picked up on the human-interest piece. We consider ourselves entirely blameless in the matter. After all, if you can't trust a Romanian tabloid, then who can you trust? www.jengajam.com

Car thief told police he was Bruce Willis A Serbian car thief told police he was Bruce Willis and produced a fake passport as ID. Goran Markovic, 46, was pulled over by police at a routine roadside check in Pirot, local daily Blic reported. When asked for his ID, Markovic, who was wearing dark sunglasses and a cap, told them he was Bruce Willis and handed over the passport. But police immediately arrested him when they saw the passport was Australian and soon discovered he had dozens of other passports with fake identities and the car he was driving had been stolen. They said they later linked him to the theft of other cars. A police spokesman said: "Even the real Bruce Willis would have had trouble convincing officers it was him. It's not very often we get American film stars driving around southern Serbia on their own." www.ananova.com

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never lets me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any... a true story.. We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs to laugh

Man operates on himself A Mexican man has stunned doctors by successfully performing surgery on himself. Pedro Lopez, 39, drained fluid from his lungs that was making his breathing difficult, reports Clarin newspaper. Specialists said he performed the operation almost perfectly and said it was a miracle. Alfonso Torres Aguilar, director of San Cristobal de Las Casas Hospital, said: "We do this kind of surgery draining liquid in small quantities. "But this man introduced a needle on himself through his belly bottom and drained three litres of liquid! Without anesthesia! "He did it as if he was a trained surgeon." Mr Lopez stayed in hospital for just one day after his surgery and is already back at home in the Majomut community in the town of Chenalho. www.ananova.com

1085.6

Conservatives Pick Soft Target: A Cartoon Sponge By DAVID D. KIRKPATRICK WASHINGTON, Jan. 19 - On the heels of electoral victories barring same-sex marriage, some influential conservative Christian groups are turning their attention to a new target: the cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants. "Does anybody here know SpongeBob?" Dr. James C. Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family, asked the guests Tuesday night at a black-tie dinner for members of Congress and political allies to celebrate the election results. SpongeBob needed no introduction. In addition to his popularity among children, who watch his cartoon show, he has become a well-known camp figure among adult gay men, perhaps because he holds hands with his animated sidekick Patrick and likes to watch the imaginary television show "The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy." Now, Dr. Dobson said, SpongeBob's creators had enlisted him in a "pro-homosexual video," in which he appeared alongside children's television colleagues like Barney and Jimmy Neutron, among many others. The makers of the video, he said, planned to mail it to thousands of elementary schools to promote a "tolerance pledge" that includes tolerance for differences of "sexual identity." The video's creator, Nile Rodgers, who wrote the disco hit "We Are Family," said Mr. Dobson's objection stemmed from a misunderstanding. Mr. Rodgers said he founded the We Are Family Foundation after the Sept. 11 attacks to create a music video to teach children about multiculturalism. The video has appeared on television networks, and nothing in it or its accompanying materials refers to sexual identity. The pledge, borrowed from the Southern Poverty Law Center, is not mentioned on the video and is available only on the group's Web site. Mr. Rodgers suggested that Dr. Dobson and the American Family Association, the conservative Christian group that first sounded the alarm, might have been confused because of an unrelated Web site belonging to another group called "We Are Family," which supports gay youth. "The fact that some people may be upset with each other peoples' lifestyles, that is O.K.," Mr. Rodgers said. "We are just talking about respect." Mark Barondess, the foundation's lawyer, said the critics "need medication." On Wednesday however, Paul Batura, assistant to Mr. Dobson at Focus on the Family, said the group stood by its accusation. "We see the video as an insidious means by which the organization is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids," he said. "It is a classic bait and switch." http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/20/politics/20sponge.html