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The Talon House


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Everything posted by ShiningKnight

  1. August 1, 2005 A man made an appointment to see a new optometrist. "Doctor," the man says, "I think I'm suffering from poor eyesight." "Oh, don't worry," says the doctor. "I can just print your bill bigger."
  2. July 30/31, 2005 Mrs. Greenburg was making the rounds at her tea for the ladies. In her hand she carried a platter of freshly baked cookies. "So Mrs. Rubenstein," she smiled, "would you like some cookies?" "No, thank you," said Mrs. Rubenstein, "they're just delicious - but I already had four." "You already had five," replied Mrs. Greenburg. "But who's counting!"
  3. July 29, 2005 ON THE BORDER: "Do you have anything to declare?" "No, nothing." "And what is it you've got in this bottle here?" "Water from Lourdes." The customs officer opens up the bottle - and it is filled with French cognac. "That's funny," the astonished man said, "There's another miracle."
  4. July 28, 2005 Simon is walking along the road carrying a big watermelon when he sees Nat coming towards him. "Hello! Nat, how are you?" "Oy vey," says Nat, throwing his arms up in the air, "Don't ask! But tell me, how are you?" "Me? You ask how I am? You want me to drop my watermelon?"
  5. July 27, 2005 Dear Mr. Goodman, CEO, the Members of the Board wish you a speedy recovery by a vote of 11 to 8.
  6. July 26, 2005 The dentist took one look at Billy's mouth and said, "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen." Billy looked at him and said, "I heard you, Doc. You don't have to repeat yourself." "I didn't. That was an echo."
  7. July 25, 2005 "Rabbi, is a man allowed to marry his widow's sister?" "He's allowed to, but he won't be able to do so."
  8. A pilot who died when he crashed a small aircraft near Germany's parliament building in central Berlin had been questioned about the disappearance of his wife and was probably on a suicide mission, police said. Officials said they had definitively ruled out the possibility that Friday's crash onto a lawn between the Reichstag building and Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder's office was in any way related to terrorism. "Before taking off, the pilot supposedly spoke of his intention to kill himself," Gerd Neubeck, Berlin's deputy police chief, told a news conference. "Everything points to a suicide.
  9. July 23/24, 2005 A passenger jet was struggling through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?" To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in the sales end, not management."
  10. Published: Saturday, 23 July, 2005, 12:56 PM Doha Time BERLIN: German President Horst Koehler gave the green light on Thursday for a general election on September 18 which could usher in the country’s first woman leader. Koehler announced on national television that he had met the request from Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder to dissolve parliament and hold elections 12 months ahead of schedule. The president said that he agreed with Schroeder’s assessment that the chancellor no longer enjoyed a stable majority within his coalition of Social Democrats (SPD) and Greens. Koehler said that there
  11. July 22, 2005 An old merchant is trying to initiate his son into the secrets of the economy, "Everything that is rare is expensive. A good horse is rare, that's why it's expensive." "But Dad," the son contradicted, "a good horse that is cheap is rarer."
  12. July 21, 2005 Not only that, he drinks like one, too!
  13. July 20, 2005 The absent-minded professor is about to leave the house. His wife asks him, "Are you sure you've forgotten everything?"
  14. The best wishes also from the slow German guy. Get well soon.
  15. July 19, 2005 Pete's son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home." "How silly," said Pete, "you could have run behind a taxi and saved $ 20!"
  16. July 18, 2005 Governmental machinery is the marvelous device which enables ten people to do the work of one.
  17. I edited the original post... *I'm sorry* unsure
  18. July 16/17, 2005 Kohn and Greenstein, who were partners, were lunching one day. Suddenly Kohn shouted: "My God, I left the safe open." "There's no need to worry," replied Greenstein, "we're both here, aren't we?"
  19. July 15, 2005 The worst penalty for bigamy is two mothers-in-law.
  20. July 14, 2005 Why is it that the loudest snorer is always the first one to get to sleep?
  21. July 13, 2005 Sally goes to see the Rev. Higgens and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours. All of a sudden, Sally shouts, overjoyed, "Reverend, your holy prescence has cured me! My headache is gone!" To which the Reverend replies, "No Sally, it is not gone. I have it now."
  22. July 12, 2005 An optimist fell from the top storey of a skyscraper. As he passed the tenth storey, he was overheard muttering, "So far, so good!"
  23. July 11, 2005 Every chair in the doctor's waiting room was filled and some patients were standing. At one point the conversation died down and there was silence. During the silence an old man stood up wearily and remarked, "Well, guess I'll go home and die a natural death."
  24. July 9/10, 2005 An Englishman bought a horse from a vicar and was told that it was a well-trained animal but only moved when the rider said "Thank God" and only stopped when it heard "Amen". So he mounted the horse, said, "Giddy-up" and nothing happened. Looking rather shame-faced he said, "Thank God", and immediately the horse gallopped off. Soon they came towards a cliff, the horse run faster and faster, he shouted, "Whoah, whoah", until he remembered, and then said, "Amen". The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. The rider wiped the sweat from his brow with his handkerchief and b
  25. July 8, 2005 "You want to go to Sicily, Mr. Stern? Now, in July, where it's 40° in the shade!" "Well ..., I don't have to go in the shade, do I?"
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