ShiningKnight

July 30/31, 2005

Mrs. Greenburg was making the rounds at her tea for the ladies. In her hand she carried a platter of freshly baked cookies. "So Mrs. Rubenstein," she smiled, "would you like some cookies?"

"No, thank you," said Mrs. Rubenstein, "they're just delicious - but I already had four."

"You already had five," replied Mrs. Greenburg. "But who's counting!"

July 29, 2005

ON THE BORDER:

"Do you have anything to declare?"

"No, nothing."

"And what is it you've got in this bottle here?"

"Water from Lourdes."

The customs officer opens up the bottle - and it is filled with French cognac. "That's funny," the astonished man said, "There's another miracle."

July 28, 2005

Simon is walking along the road carrying a big watermelon when he sees Nat coming towards him.

"Hello! Nat, how are you?"

"Oy vey," says Nat, throwing his arms up in the air, "Don't ask! But tell me, how are you?"

"Me? You ask how I am? You want me to drop my watermelon?"

July 27, 2005

Dear Mr. Goodman, CEO, the Members of the Board wish you a speedy recovery by a vote of 11 to 8.

July 26, 2005

The dentist took one look at Billy's mouth and said, "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."

Billy looked at him and said, "I heard you, Doc. You don't have to repeat yourself."

"I didn't. That was an echo."

July 25, 2005

"Rabbi, is a man allowed to marry his widow's sister?"

"He's allowed to, but he won't be able to do so."

July 23/24, 2005

A passenger jet was struggling through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?" To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in the sales end, not management."

July 22, 2005

An old merchant is trying to initiate his son into the secrets of the economy, "Everything that is rare is expensive. A good horse is rare, that's why it's expensive."

"But Dad," the son contradicted, "a good horse that is cheap is rarer."

July 21, 2005

Not only that, he drinks like one, too!

July 20, 2005

The absent-minded professor is about to leave the house. His wife asks him, "Are you sure you've forgotten everything?"

July 19, 2005

Pete's son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home."

"How silly," said Pete, "you could have run behind a taxi and saved $ 20!"

July 18, 2005

Governmental machinery is the marvelous device which enables ten people to do the work of one.

Now lets play nice, guys.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I edited the original post...

*I'm sorry* unsure

July 16/17, 2005

Kohn and Greenstein, who were partners, were lunching one day. Suddenly Kohn shouted: "My God, I left the safe open."

"There's no need to worry," replied Greenstein, "we're both here, aren't we?"

July 15, 2005

The worst penalty for bigamy is two mothers-in-law.

July 14, 2005

Why is it that the loudest snorer is always the first one to get to sleep?

July 13, 2005

Sally goes to see the Rev. Higgens and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours. All of a sudden, Sally shouts, overjoyed, "Reverend, your holy prescence has cured me! My headache is gone!" To which the Reverend replies, "No Sally, it is not gone. I have it now."

July 12, 2005

An optimist fell from the top storey of a skyscraper. As he passed the tenth storey, he was overheard muttering, "So far, so good!"

July 11, 2005

Every chair in the doctor's waiting room was filled and some patients were standing. At one point the conversation died down and there was silence. During the silence an old man stood up wearily and remarked, "Well, guess I'll go home and die a natural death."

July 9/10, 2005

An Englishman bought a horse from a vicar and was told that it was a well-trained animal but only moved when the rider said "Thank God" and only stopped when it heard "Amen". So he mounted the horse, said, "Giddy-up" and nothing happened. Looking rather shame-faced he said, "Thank God", and immediately the horse gallopped off. Soon they came towards a cliff, the horse run faster and faster, he shouted, "Whoah, whoah", until he remembered, and then said, "Amen". The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. The rider wiped the sweat from his brow with his handkerchief and breathed with relief, "Thank God!"

July 8, 2005

"You want to go to Sicily, Mr. Stern? Now, in July, where it's 40° in the shade!"

"Well ..., I don't have to go in the shade, do I?"

July 7, 2005

There's no point in burying a hatchet if you're going to put up a marker on the site.

July 6, 2005

A man I know solved the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and lent it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.

July 5, 2005

Morris, a building contractor, was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given.

"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on."

"I know," the owner said self-confidently, "but last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor replied, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

July 4, 2005

Weinstein lamenting in the office, "Oh, these headaches! I can't stand it any longer, I'll lose my senses."

"Mr. Weinstein," his boss says, "if you're ill, go home, but stop walking around here and boasting like that."