ShiningKnight

May 6, 2005

A couple arguing with each other all the time went to see the Rabbi.

"Why did you scratch your husband? Don't you know that the man is the head of the family?"

The quarrelsome woman lowered her eyes and said, "Rabbi, it's not allowed to scratch one's head?"

May 5, 2005

Little did Fluffy realize that Spidey's Spider instincts were not superficial.

May 4, 2005

A customer to butcher: "I'd like 5 grams of sausage, please."

"Are you mocking me?" the butcher asks.

"Not a bit! If I were mocking you, I'd ask you to slice it."

May 3, 2005

"No, no ... Money does not bring happiness. Rich people are also unhappy."

"True. But I'd rather cry in a limo than a bus."

May 2, 2005

"Why did you escape from prison?" a policeman asks the fugitive.

"I wanted to get married."

"Heh. You have quite a strange view of freedom."

April 30/May 1, 2005

Maurice and Sarah were getting old and Maurice felt his wife was losing her hearing. He decided to stage a test. One day, as Sarah was reading the paper, he stood a distance behind her chair and asked, in a conversational voice, "Sarah, can you hear me?" Silence. He moved towards her. "Can you hear me?" Still silence. Finally, he moved directly behind her chair and bent over, just inches from her ear, "Can you hear me?" Sarah replied, "For the third time, Maurice, yes I can!"

April 29, 2005

"Honey, what do you like better - my perfect body or my beautiful face?"

"Your sense of humor."

April 28, 2005

"Hey, mister! This is a public phone. You've been on it for half an hour and haven't said a word."

"Leave me alone - I'm speaking with my wife."

April 27, 2005

Woman says to her husband who is going fishing, "If eel is too expensive, buy trout or carp."

April 26, 2005

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died at heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist, "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

April 25, 2005

A little boy asks a driver: "Could you give me a ride, please? I'm late for school."

"But I'm heading in the opposite direction, son."

"Even better!"

April 23/24, 2005

A big executive boarded a New York-to-Chicago train. He explained to the porter, "I'm a heavy sleeper, and I want you to be sure and wake me at 3:00 a.m. to get off in Buffalo. Regardless of what I say, get me up, for I have some important business there."

The next morning he awakened in Chicago. He found the porter and really poured it on with abusive language.

After he had left, someone said, "How could you stand there and take that kind of talk from that man?"

To which the porter responded, "That ain't nothing. You should have heard what the man said that I put off in Buffalo."

April 22, 2005

There are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count and those who can't.

April 21, 2005

Mark Twain was once asked the difference between a mistake and a blunder. He explained it this way:

"If you walk into a restaurant and walk out with someone's silk umbrella and leave your own cotton one, that is a mistake.

But if you pick up someone's cotton umbrella and leave your own silk one, that's a blunder."

April 20, 2005

Hubert notices yet another effect from the latest round

of cut-backs in medical insurance service coverage.

April 19, 2005

"Know how to avoid getting pregnant? - Drink soda."

"Before or after?"

"Instead of."

April 18, 2005

"Mary, where's the tea? I can't find it."

"Right where it should be, dummy - in the silverware drawer, inside the empty coffee can labeled 'Salt'."

April 16, 2005

Three crocodiles lie on the river bank. One says: "We were green once."

Another one says: "Yes, and we could swim."

The third one says, indignantly: "Enough of your nonsense. Stop wasting your time. Let's fly around and gather some honey!"

April 15, 2005

Goldblatt was showing off. "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It cost me two thousand bucks, but it is state of the art."

"What kind is it?" his friend asked.

"A quarter of twelve," was the answer.

April 14, 2005

Geez! You're right! "OBEY" isn't even in here!

April 13, 2005

A mild-mannered man once wandered into a restarant and ordered roast chicken. The waiter said, "Take my advice and have the boiled beef today."

"No, thank you. I want the roast chicken."

"Listen to me. The roast chicken is not for you. Have the boiled beef."

"What is this? Don't you suppose I know what I want? Bring me the roast chicken at once!"

"I will not do that. I know better than you what you want."

"Listen," said the diner, striking the table with a resounding blow, "get me the manager!"

The manager, drawn by the noise, came bustling over. "What the hell is going on here?"

The waiter turned to him and said, "This guy didn't come here to eat. He came here to start an argument with me."

April 12, 2005

"I have some bad news and some worse news," said the doctor.

"Well, might as well give me the bad news first, then the worse news," replied the patient.

"The lab called with your test results," the doctor said. "They show that you have 24 hours to live."

"24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday," replied the doctor.

April 11, 2005

The mother turkey said to her son, "If your father saw you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"

April 9/10, 2005

Abe goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi askes, "What's wrong, Abe?"

Abe replies, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi is very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"

Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

Abe anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison."

April 8, 2005

Scientists say that animals don't laugh. How could they ever resist if they watched the way human beings act!