ShiningKnight

April 7, 2005

A woman browsing through an antique store sees a cat drinking milk from a saucer. She recognizes the saucer as a rare antique piece. Trying to be clever, she says to the lady running the store, "How much do you want for the cat?"

The woman says, "Ten pounds."

The buyer goes on, "While I'm at it, could I give you another pound for the saucer? The cat seems to enjoy drinking from it."

The shopkeeper shakes her head, "Sorry, but I've sold nineteen cats from that one saucer!"

April 6, 2005

What's the best way of wasting one's time?

Try telling a bald man hair-raising stories.

April 5, 2005

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half full.

Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.

April 4, 2005

Two hydrogen atoms are walking along a street.

The first one says, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"

The second one replies, "Are you sure?"

The first one then says, "Yeah, I'm POSITIVE."

April 2/3, 2005

An old philosopher of Greece once received a severe tongue-lashing from his wife.

As he listened in silence, she became all the more infuriated. So she picked up a pail of cold water and threw it over him from head to foot.

With the water still dripping from him, he thought, 'After that thunder and lightning, I rather expected a shower.'

April 1, 2005

Patient lying on psychiatrist's couch: "Doctor, nobody takes me seriously anymore."

Doctor: "You're kidding."

March 31, 2005

Maurice started his very own business, which almost immediately began to prosper. He was soon a very rich man.

One day, his bank manager rang him and said, "I have a query on one of your recent cheques. For years, you've been signing all cheques with two Xs, but this one is signed with three Xs. Could you confirm it is one of yours?"

Maurice replied, "Yes, it is. Since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."

March 30, 2005

Susan, a friend of mine, confused her Valium pills with her birth control pills. As a result, she had ten children but she doesn't really care.

March 29, 2005

What did God say after he created man?

"I can do better than this."

March 28, 2005

Michael walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.

The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp."

Michael replies, "And that should make it lighter?"

March 26/27, 2005

An agnostic is a person who says that he knows nothing about God and, when you agree with him, he becomes angry.

March 25, 2005

If it weren't for the occasional full moon, Frank would never get out from in front of the TV.

March 24, 2005

An architect was having a difficult time with a prospective home builder.

"Can't you at least give me an idea of the type of house you want to build?" pleaded the architect.

The man hesitated, then replied, "Well, all I can tell you, it must go with an antique doorknob my wife bought in Boston."

March 23, 2005

Can you imagine an entire city under glass? We'd never have to worry about cold or rain or snow again. Just little kids with rocks!

March 22, 2005

One friend to another, "You drive the car and I'll pray."

"What's the matter - don't you trust my driving?"

"Don't you trust my praying?"

March 21, 2005

There was a fellow who applied for a job as a press aide to a political party. Not long after he submitted his application, he received word from the party leader.

"Your letter of application is full of exaggerations, distortions, half-truths and lies. Can you start on Monday?"

March 19/20, 2005

An American salesman submitted his expenses account. After checking it over, the employer said, "I can't honor this, but I'd like to buy the fiction rights for the movie."

March 18, 2005

A tourist was picking flowers on Farmer Dorbar's farm when he suddenly noticed an enormous bull. He asked a farmer, who was working nearby, "Is the bull safe?"

"Well, I'd say he's a lot safer than you are at the moment."

March 17, 2005

No, I've never performed this operation either, but I've seen it done twice on ER.

(ER: Emergency Room, popular US "hospital soap")

March 16, 2005

The waiter placed finger bowls in front of two men. Because they were unfamiliar with fine dining, one of themen asked, "What are those for?"

The waiter said, "You wash your hands in them."

The second diner said, "See? You ask a foolish question, you get a foolish answer!"

March 15, 2005

The rabbi is angry at his parishioners, who are tardy tax payers, and in a sermon he gives vent to his anger, "Cultural taxes you don't want to pay, but being buried at the Jewish ceremony - that would be fun for you!"

March 14, 2005

One morning a local highway department crew reach their job-site and realize they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios back to the office and tells his supervisor of the situation.

"Don't worry about it," radios back the supervisor. "We'll send you some more shovels. Until then, just let the men lean on each other."

March 12/13, 2005

Did you hear about the man from the income tax bureau who phoned a minister to say, "We're checking the tax return of a member of your church, and noticed he lists a donation to your church 300 dollars. Is that correct?"

The minister answered without hesitation, "I haven't got any records available, but I'll promise you one thing: If he hasn't, he will!"

March 11, 2005:

A couple completed their dinner and the man asked for the check. Thinking to impress his date, he called the waiter over and loudly complained that the bill was incorrect. The waiter patiently reviewed the bill with the man, and it was correct.

"Are you trying to make a fool out of me?" the man fumed.

"No, Sir! Not in the least, Sir. I never interfere with nature!"

March 10, 2005:

Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!