ShiningKnight Posted February 15, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 15, 2005 February 12/13, 2005: A man goes into a restaurant and orders baked potatoes. When they come, he does not like the look of them and changes his order to thinly rolled pancakes with a filling of cheese. When he has finished, he stands up and starts to leave. "Wait a second," says the manager, "You haven't paid for your pancakes." "What are you talking about?" the man replies. "Those pancakes were only an exchange. I gave you the baked potatoes for them." "Yes, but you didn't pay for them either." "Why should I pay for the baked potatoes? I didn't eat them." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted February 15, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 15, 2005 February 14, 2005: A man to a narrowminded science-o-holic cell biologist: "You are so narrow-minded, only preoccupied with your cells. You don't know anything about the world you are living in. For instance, what do you know about culture?" Science-o-holic: "You mean CELL cultures?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TalonRider Posted February 15, 2005 Report Share Posted February 15, 2005 February 9, 2005:I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted February 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2005 February 15, 2005: "When the day of judgement comes," thundered the priest, "there will be a weeping, and gnashing of teeth." "What about me?" interrupted one of the listeners, "I've lost all my teeth." The priest roared, "Teeth will be provided." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted February 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2005 February 16, 2005: Doctors will tell you that if you eat slowly, you will eat less. It is particularly true if you're a member of a large family! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted February 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2005 (edited) February 17, 2005: I'll tell you, Ethel, it's clear to me why they call this the age of aquarius! Edited February 25, 2005 by ShiningKnight Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted February 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2005 February 18, 2005: Rothschild: "You want five thousand florins from me? No, that's too much. I'm gonna give you two hundred florins annually till I die." "What does that help me, my Lord? With the luck you have, you could die tomorrow." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted February 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2005 February 19/20, 2005: Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted February 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2005 February 21, 2005: A teenage girl had been talking on phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number," replied the girl. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted February 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2005 February 22, 2005: If you have to get some money, borrow from a pessimist. He doesn't expect to get it back! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted February 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2005 February 23, 2005: Attorney to client: "Scientifically, maybe body cells do replace themselves completely in seven years - but, legally, you're still married." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted February 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2005 February 24, 2005: Sign at a hotel door: Have you left anything? It should ask if you have anything left! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted February 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2005 February 21, 2005:A teenage girl had been talking on phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number," replied the girl. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> If this only was a stereotype. I keep getting proved wrong... blink Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted February 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2005 February 25, 2005: Hazel, you'd better run a spell-check! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted March 12, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 February 26/27, 2005: The science teacher explained to his class that long waves can go around objects but short waves cannot. Seeing blank faces, he picked up his head, held it in front of his face and asked the nearest pupil, "Can you see my face?" "No, sir." "Can you hear my voice?" "Yes, sir." "What does that show?" He hoped for the answer that sound waves are long and light waves short, but the boy retorted, "You're talking through your hat, sir." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted March 12, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 February 28, 2005: "I think I'm an umbrella," a patient says. The psychiatrist says, "A cure is possible if you'll open up." The patient says, "Why? Is it raining?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted March 12, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 March 1, 2005: A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted March 12, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 March 2, 2005: There was a terrible fog in Ireland. Two drivers collided. They groped their way out of their cars and approached each other. "I had right of way!" said the first. "Possibly, but it doesn't matter," replied the other. "We're in my garage." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted March 12, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 March 3, 2005: "I've a complaint to make," said a woman to the steward on a holiday cruise. "A sailor peeped into my cabin last night when I was undressing. I think that's absolutely scandalous." "What do you expect in second class," replied the steward, "the captain?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted March 12, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 (edited) March 4, 2005: No kidding?!! Wow! I'm a pisces, too! Edited March 12, 2005 by ShiningKnight Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted March 12, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 (edited) March 5/6, 2005: "This house," said the real estate salesman," has both its good and its bad points. To show I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north." "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer. "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing." Edited March 12, 2005 by ShiningKnight Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted March 12, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 March 7, 2005: Just before a drafted farm boy made his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten and pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for the auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up." The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten, and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he careened crazily earthward, he said to himself, "Well, I'll bet that truck won't be here either!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted March 12, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 March 8, 2005: A lobbyist browsing through an encyclopedia the other day came upon a stunning idea. At one time in ancient Greece, in order to prevent idiot statesmen from passing stupid laws upon the people, lawmakers were asked to introduce all new laws while standing on a platform with a rope around their neck. If the law was passed, the rope was removed. If it failed, the platform was removed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted March 12, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 March 9, 2005: The customer said, "I want some oysters, but they mustn't be too big or too old, and they should be sweet and I want them right away." To which the waiter responded, "Would you like them with or without pearls?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted March 12, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 12, 2005 (edited) March 10, 2005: Waiter! There's a fly in my soup! Edited March 12, 2005 by ShiningKnight Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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