ShiningKnight Posted April 10, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 10, 2005 April 9/10, 2005 Abe goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi askes, "What's wrong, Abe?" Abe replies, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi is very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?" Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" Abe anxiously says, "Yes." "Take the poison." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TalonRider Posted April 11, 2005 Report Share Posted April 11, 2005 April 9/10, 2005Abe goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi askes, "What's wrong, Abe?" Abe replies, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi is very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?" Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" Abe anxiously says, "Yes." "Take the poison." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 17, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 April 11, 2005 The mother turkey said to her son, "If your father saw you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 17, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 April 12, 2005 "I have some bad news and some worse news," said the doctor. "Well, might as well give me the bad news first, then the worse news," replied the patient. "The lab called with your test results," the doctor said. "They show that you have 24 hours to live." "24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse than that?" "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday," replied the doctor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 17, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 April 13, 2005 A mild-mannered man once wandered into a restarant and ordered roast chicken. The waiter said, "Take my advice and have the boiled beef today." "No, thank you. I want the roast chicken." "Listen to me. The roast chicken is not for you. Have the boiled beef." "What is this? Don't you suppose I know what I want? Bring me the roast chicken at once!" "I will not do that. I know better than you what you want." "Listen," said the diner, striking the table with a resounding blow, "get me the manager!" The manager, drawn by the noise, came bustling over. "What the hell is going on here?" The waiter turned to him and said, "This guy didn't come here to eat. He came here to start an argument with me." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 17, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 April 14, 2005 Geez! You're right! "OBEY" isn't even in here! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 17, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2005 April 15, 2005 Goldblatt was showing off. "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It cost me two thousand bucks, but it is state of the art." "What kind is it?" his friend asked. "A quarter of twelve," was the answer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
movieguy Posted April 19, 2005 Report Share Posted April 19, 2005 April 15, 2005Goldblatt was showing off. "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It cost me two thousand bucks, but it is state of the art." "What kind is it?" his friend asked. "A quarter of twelve," was the answer. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 23, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2005 April 16, 2005 Three crocodiles lie on the river bank. One says: "We were green once." Another one says: "Yes, and we could swim." The third one says, indignantly: "Enough of your nonsense. Stop wasting your time. Let's fly around and gather some honey!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 23, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2005 April 18, 2005 "Mary, where's the tea? I can't find it." "Right where it should be, dummy - in the silverware drawer, inside the empty coffee can labeled 'Salt'." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 23, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2005 April 19, 2005 "Know how to avoid getting pregnant? - Drink soda." "Before or after?" "Instead of." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 23, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2005 (edited) April 20, 2005 Hubert notices yet another effect from the latest round of cut-backs in medical insurance service coverage. Edited April 29, 2005 by ShiningKnight Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 23, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2005 April 21, 2005 Mark Twain was once asked the difference between a mistake and a blunder. He explained it this way: "If you walk into a restaurant and walk out with someone's silk umbrella and leave your own cotton one, that is a mistake. But if you pick up someone's cotton umbrella and leave your own silk one, that's a blunder." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 23, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2005 April 22, 2005 There are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count and those who can't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2005 April 23/24, 2005 A big executive boarded a New York-to-Chicago train. He explained to the porter, "I'm a heavy sleeper, and I want you to be sure and wake me at 3:00 a.m. to get off in Buffalo. Regardless of what I say, get me up, for I have some important business there." The next morning he awakened in Chicago. He found the porter and really poured it on with abusive language. After he had left, someone said, "How could you stand there and take that kind of talk from that man?" To which the porter responded, "That ain't nothing. You should have heard what the man said that I put off in Buffalo." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2005 April 25, 2005 A little boy asks a driver: "Could you give me a ride, please? I'm late for school." "But I'm heading in the opposite direction, son." "Even better!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2005 April 26, 2005 An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died at heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist, "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2005 April 27, 2005 Woman says to her husband who is going fishing, "If eel is too expensive, buy trout or carp." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2005 April 28, 2005 "Hey, mister! This is a public phone. You've been on it for half an hour and haven't said a word." "Leave me alone - I'm speaking with my wife." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted April 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2005 April 29, 2005 "Honey, what do you like better - my perfect body or my beautiful face?" "Your sense of humor." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted May 5, 2005 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2005 April 30/May 1, 2005 Maurice and Sarah were getting old and Maurice felt his wife was losing her hearing. He decided to stage a test. One day, as Sarah was reading the paper, he stood a distance behind her chair and asked, in a conversational voice, "Sarah, can you hear me?" Silence. He moved towards her. "Can you hear me?" Still silence. Finally, he moved directly behind her chair and bent over, just inches from her ear, "Can you hear me?" Sarah replied, "For the third time, Maurice, yes I can!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted May 5, 2005 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2005 May 2, 2005 "Why did you escape from prison?" a policeman asks the fugitive. "I wanted to get married." "Heh. You have quite a strange view of freedom." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted May 5, 2005 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2005 May 3, 2005 "No, no ... Money does not bring happiness. Rich people are also unhappy." "True. But I'd rather cry in a limo than a bus." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted May 5, 2005 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2005 May 4, 2005 A customer to butcher: "I'd like 5 grams of sausage, please." "Are you mocking me?" the butcher asks. "Not a bit! If I were mocking you, I'd ask you to slice it." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted May 7, 2005 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2005 May 5, 2005 Little did Fluffy realize that Spidey's Spider instincts were not superficial. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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