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Court /Police

What Follows are Actual Transcripts from Real Court Cases:

Q: What is you date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

Q: This myasthenia gravis—does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son...the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?`

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

Q: How many trucks do you own?

A: Seventeen.

Q: Seventy?

A: Seventeen.

Q: Seventeen?

A: No, about twelve.

Q: The respiratory arrest means no breathing, doesn’t it?

A: That’s it.

Q: And in every case where there is death, isn’t there no breathing?

Q: Tell us your full name, please.

A: Mine?

Q: Yes, sir.

A: 555-2723.

Q: Mr. Daniels, do you have any problems hearing me?

A: Not really.

Q: Where do you live?

A: Pardon?

Q: To the charge of driving while intoxicated how do you plead?

A: Drunk.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A: Yes, I have been since childhood.

Q: Where do you live?

A: LaPosta Trailer Court.

Q: How do you spell that trailer court?

A: T-R-A-I-L-E-R C-O-U-R-T.

Q: Do you wear a two piece bathing suit now that you have a scar?

A: I don’t wear a bathing suit at all.

Q: That can be taken two ways.

Q: Are you restricted in some way by having your third finger shot off?

A: Yeah, a little.

Q: What could you do before the accident that you can’t do now?

A: Wear a ring on it.

Q: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content?

A: A dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett Packard 5710A with flame analyzation detectors.

Q: Can you get that with mag wheels?

A: Only on the floor models.

Following are 20 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in some cases, the responses given by the witnesses with varying degrees of patience.

1. "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Where you alone of by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or you brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q. "So the date of conception (of the baby) was Aug.8?

A. "Yes"

Q. "And what were you doing at the time?"

11. Q. "She had three children right?"

A. "Yes."

Q. "How many were boys?"

A. "None."

Q. "Were there any girls?"

12. Q. You say the stairs went down to the basement?"

A. "Yes."

Q. "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q. "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"

A. "I went to Europe, sir."

Q. "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q. "How was your first marriage terminated?"

A. "By death."

Q. And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

A. "So, this is how I dress when I go to work."

16. Q. "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

A. " All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

17. Q. "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A. "The autopsy started around 8:30 pm."

Q. "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"

A. "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

18. Q. "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"

A. "Oral."

19. Q." Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

A. "I have been since early childhood."

20. Q. "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A. "No."

Q. "Did you check for blood pressure?

A. "No."

Q. "Did you check for breathing?''

A. "No."

Q. "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

A. "No."

Q." How can you be so sure doctor?"

A. "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q. "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

A. "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

These were reported recently in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal.

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