ShiningKnight Posted July 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2005 July 1, 2005 The trouble with telling a good story is that it always reminds the other fellow of an extremely dull one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2005 July 2/3, 2005 A boy from New York was being led through the swamps of the state of Georgia. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2005 July 4, 2005 Weinstein lamenting in the office, "Oh, these headaches! I can't stand it any longer, I'll lose my senses." "Mr. Weinstein," his boss says, "if you're ill, go home, but stop walking around here and boasting like that." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2005 July 5, 2005 Morris, a building contractor, was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on." "I know," the owner said self-confidently, "but last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained." The contractor replied, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2005 July 6, 2005 A man I know solved the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and lent it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2005 July 7, 2005 There's no point in burying a hatchet if you're going to put up a marker on the site. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2005 July 8, 2005 "You want to go to Sicily, Mr. Stern? Now, in July, where it's 40° in the shade!" "Well ..., I don't have to go in the shade, do I?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2005 July 9/10, 2005 An Englishman bought a horse from a vicar and was told that it was a well-trained animal but only moved when the rider said "Thank God" and only stopped when it heard "Amen". So he mounted the horse, said, "Giddy-up" and nothing happened. Looking rather shame-faced he said, "Thank God", and immediately the horse gallopped off. Soon they came towards a cliff, the horse run faster and faster, he shouted, "Whoah, whoah", until he remembered, and then said, "Amen". The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. The rider wiped the sweat from his brow with his handkerchief and breathed with relief, "Thank God!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2005 July 11, 2005 Every chair in the doctor's waiting room was filled and some patients were standing. At one point the conversation died down and there was silence. During the silence an old man stood up wearily and remarked, "Well, guess I'll go home and die a natural death." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2005 July 12, 2005 An optimist fell from the top storey of a skyscraper. As he passed the tenth storey, he was overheard muttering, "So far, so good!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2005 July 13, 2005 Sally goes to see the Rev. Higgens and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours. All of a sudden, Sally shouts, overjoyed, "Reverend, your holy prescence has cured me! My headache is gone!" To which the Reverend replies, "No Sally, it is not gone. I have it now." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2005 July 14, 2005 Why is it that the loudest snorer is always the first one to get to sleep? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2005 July 15, 2005 The worst penalty for bigamy is two mothers-in-law. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2005 July 16/17, 2005 Kohn and Greenstein, who were partners, were lunching one day. Suddenly Kohn shouted: "My God, I left the safe open." "There's no need to worry," replied Greenstein, "we're both here, aren't we?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TalonRider Posted July 18, 2005 Report Share Posted July 18, 2005 Thank you Pat.Sorry for my absence but I had to prepare for and write quite a few exams during the past weeks. Since I am on vacation now (till 10/10, yay!) I'll have the time to catch up on the jokes I haven't posted yet (quite a few I know). Nice to hear that at least one person noticed and missed my postings... Now lets play nice, guys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 20, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2005 Now lets play nice, guys. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I edited the original post... *I'm sorry* unsure Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 20, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2005 July 18, 2005 Governmental machinery is the marvelous device which enables ten people to do the work of one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 20, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2005 July 19, 2005 Pete's son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home." "How silly," said Pete, "you could have run behind a taxi and saved $ 20!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 23, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2005 July 20, 2005 The absent-minded professor is about to leave the house. His wife asks him, "Are you sure you've forgotten everything?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 23, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2005 July 21, 2005 Not only that, he drinks like one, too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 23, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2005 July 22, 2005 An old merchant is trying to initiate his son into the secrets of the economy, "Everything that is rare is expensive. A good horse is rare, that's why it's expensive." "But Dad," the son contradicted, "a good horse that is cheap is rarer." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 25, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2005 July 23/24, 2005 A passenger jet was struggling through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?" To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in the sales end, not management." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 26, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 26, 2005 (edited) July 25, 2005 "Rabbi, is a man allowed to marry his widow's sister?" "He's allowed to, but he won't be able to do so." Edited July 30, 2005 by ShiningKnight Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2005 July 26, 2005 The dentist took one look at Billy's mouth and said, "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen." Billy looked at him and said, "I heard you, Doc. You don't have to repeat yourself." "I didn't. That was an echo." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShiningKnight Posted July 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2005 July 27, 2005 Dear Mr. Goodman, CEO, the Members of the Board wish you a speedy recovery by a vote of 11 to 8. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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