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The Talon House

TalonRider

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Everything posted by TalonRider

  1. ZEN TEACHINGS 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone. 2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any. 3. No one is listening until you fart. 4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 7. Before you criti
  2. A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman. She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The girl, delighted at finding work so quickly, responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her she could find paint brushes and everything else she would need in the garage. The man's wife, h
  3. I've not heard anything from Jamie in several years now. One could assume, and you know what they say about assume, that the story has been abandoned. As one of his beta readers, I've seen three of the interludes and the first chapter of Book 2, Part 4.
  4. A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her
  5. John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's room-mate was. She had long been suspicious of John's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the room-mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mike and I are just room-mates." About a week later, Mike came to John and said "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I'v
  6. If the person who coined the name Walkie Talkie got to name everything, we would have: Stamps: Lickie Stickie Defibrillators: Heartie Startie Bumblebees: Fuzzie Buzzie Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby Bra: Breastie Nestie Fork: Stabbie Grabbie Socks: Feetie Heatie Hippo: Floatie Bloatie Nightmare: Screamie Dreamie
  7. A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night.""Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"She reached out and patted the young d
  8. Every week, Manny entered the state lottery hoping to win; he never did. Finally, he prayed vigorously and, hoping for God's message, He walked around the local fairground. A flash of lightning struck as he was passing by Nadine's carnival stall. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 tattooed on each of her butt cheeks. He bet on 77, as he thought God had given him a sign.
  9. My wife and I went to the Royal Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said... "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week." We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW that's almost 3 times a week! You could learn a lot from him." We walked to the th
  10. In a convent in Ireland, old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying. The nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little m
  11. After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you. Husband: What's up? Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid... Husband: Well you don't remember, do you??? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said: " Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. " So I went inside, got a clean one and le
  12. On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction! The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say, 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want." The man thanked the
  13. (some of the jokes that old, also) I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you’re seventy...............who cares? ********** I went to the drug store and
  14. A PASTOR visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into heaven. The woman said she would try her best. THE PASTOR visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. "Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking, but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there." "They don’t like that in heaven, The Pastor said. The woman replied, "T
  15. An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million sa
  16. To whoever put the reflective eyes on this tree by the side of the roadYou, fine Sir, are an asshole A genius but an asshole
  17. "Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life.. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she c
  18. TalonRider

    Holiday

    HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE.
  19. Elderly couple in church celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary. In the middle of the service the woman takes out a pen and paper from her bag and writes. Just did a silent fart what should I do. The man writes back, buy a new battery for your hearing aid .
  20. I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress; and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. . . Here's how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me in a black leather bodice, tall stilettoes and a mask. When he saw me he said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then w
  21. An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession in 1960. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes tw
  22. A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: " Marion ... Marion " "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to t
  23. TalonRider

    Hi

    Hey stranger. Glad to see you're still around.
  24. An engineer dies . . . and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You k
  25. Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and even though it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet
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