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The Talon House

TalonRider

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Everything posted by TalonRider

  1. Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and even though it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet
  2. Too good not to share. Click here.
  3. An Engineer dies... and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gone down there! You know all
  4. The little boy had been looking out of the Southwest airplane window. He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?” The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant. The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?” The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
  5. A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the tr
  6. A writer died and as she floated in limbo, a disembodied voice told her she had the option of going to heaven or hell. "Can I look them both over before I make my decision?" she asked. As the writer descended into the fiery pits of hell, she saw row after row, level after level of writers chained to desks and banging away at keyboards in a steaming sweatshop atmosphere. As the writers slaved away, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes. "Oh my," said the writer. "May I see heaven now?" A few moments later, after she ascended, she saw the
  7. A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you g
  8. Welcome to the new look for the site thanks to the upgrade to the newest and latest software.
  9. Witty Ha-has - If I had a dollar for every boy or girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. - I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you. - Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water. - I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will remind me with, "Your password is incorrect." - Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. - I'm a great multi-tasker—I can waste time, be u
  10. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t your sport. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  11. A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because ther
  12. The following as posted by a member at Gay Authors. "Farewell Dear Friend" My dear friends and authors it was brought to my attention that … Miguel Sanchez, passed away in January 2016, after complications from surgery, and the lose of his dear friend; he seemed to have lost his will to live and was taken from us when his heart just gave out. Miguel was not only a great author but a wonderful dear friend to all who knew him. Please say a prayer in the church, synagogue, or temple of your choice, for this dear man. We will truly and deeply miss him until we can join with him once again.
  13. Because I love a good laugh, I'll share this with you who also like a bit of levity in your day. Dear Ma and Pa: I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing
  14. HERE IS a short test sent to me by Pertinax Carrus that proves that we have become too dependent on our computers because they have become smarter than we are: First Question: Are you Male or Female? To find the answer, Look down... --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- Look down, for crying out loud, Not scroll down! -------------------
  15. TalonRider

    2016

    Happy New Year to everyone.
  16. Friendship among Women? A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men? A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
  17. A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.... Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate ca
  18. Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
  19. Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout." On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you ar
  20. Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, whil
  21. Agreed. At least last time, we knew what was going on.
  22. 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1 oz. of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lids. You may need to stand on the top lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom
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