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The Talon House

TalonRider

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Everything posted by TalonRider

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  2. A man went to the Harborview Medical Center in Seattle, Washington, to have his wedding ring cut off his p****. According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his p**** while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse: > 1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married. > > 2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your p****...OR... > > 3. Finding out your p**** fits through your wedding ring. Tough call.
  3. I don't know how many of you know this, but a lot of the buildings that Jamie describes in the story, he has actually been to, or researched. Sometimes one place in the story would be a combination of two places. The palace that was home to the Legend of Red and Black was one such place. What reminded me of this was an episode of Blue Planet, seen on BBC America, showed a place called Angel Falls. I do believe this was the inspiration for the Icarian Angels Fall. I did some research myself and found this at Wiki. I also did a search using Google Maps and found this. Be sure to check out phot
  4. A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation,
  5. Unfortunately, the author still remains MIA.
  6. They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends. I hope it's Michael - he's super cute _ Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gays could have lightsabre fights. _ Saying "the gay guy from X-Factor" is kind of like saying: "the Chinese man from China". _ I'm not homophobic, in the same way that I'm not arachnaphobic. I'm not scared of gays; I'm not scared of spiders. But if I were to walk in and find one in my bed, I'd be a little worried. _ Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll b
  7. After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down." They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made th
  8. An elderly lady decided to give herself a treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. “It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00 for just an overnight stay. I didn't even have breakfast." The clerk told her that $450.00 is the "standard rate," so she insisted on speaking to the manager. The manager appeared and said: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are availab
  9. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. Batteries were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. A will is a dead giveaway. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. A boiled egg is hard to beat. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now. A
  10. HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!
  11. Computer Repair Caller: Hi, our printer is not working. Customer Service: What is wrong with it? Caller: Mouse is jammed. Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse. Caller: Mmmmm? Oh really? I will send a picture...
  12. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry . . . had to mow th
  13. A pretty and demure young lady was in her first year as a lecturer at a large university. She was quite proud of the way things had gone so far during the term and was giving her first big exam the next day, the first mid-term of her career. She wanted her students to do well because she hated the idea of having to flunk anyone. So, in her final comments to her students before ending class that day, she had a few remarks about the exam. "This will cover everything we've gone over so far this semester. No trick questions -- just the chance for you to show me what you've learned. It'l
  14. Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, b
  15. A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I
  16. From Terry, (I just had to share) These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings have been left intact.) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John Henry being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33 Please excuse Gloria Jean from Jim today. She is administrating Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent bec
  17. The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10
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  24. So it would seem that anyone who wasn't taken to Eagles Rock to be placed in stasis did not receive Darroot Tea. This includes Cody, Lance, and the Twins. We also know that Jamie and Nic were supposed to have been at Eagles Rock as Charles has said that they didn't make it there. This next part, I'm going to move over to the protected forum for discussion..
  25. On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were a
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