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The Talon House

ShiningKnight

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Everything posted by ShiningKnight

  1. February 11, 2005: Question: What's the difference between a mathematician and a physicist? Answer: A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a straight line, whereas a physicist wants more data!
  2. February 10, 2005: Worst case of indecision I've seen yet this week!
  3. February 9, 2005: I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!
  4. February 8, 2005: Popev and Sarkinev were in a cafeteria drinking tea. Popev studied his cup and said with a sigh, "Ah, my friend, life is like a cup of tea." Sarkinev considered that for a moment and then said, "But why is life like a cup of tea?" And Popev replied, "How should I know? Am I a philosopher?"
  5. February 7, 2005: Aunt Mary, the biggest slanderer of the family, passed away. The rabbi held the funeral oration. He praised the peaceableness of the deceased, her modesty and self-restraint. Uncle Michael couldn't stand it any longer. "C'mon," he said to his nephew Moritz, "we're at the wrong funeral."
  6. Joke of January 5/6, 2005: Five dice players were in court waiting to be arraigned. The judge said, "The five dice players will come forward." Six men stepped to the bench. The judge said to the sixth man, "Why are you up here?" The man said, "What's the matter? Isn't my money good enough?"
  7. Joke of February 4, 2005: Caption: I'd say it's high time for his worming.
  8. Joke of February 3, 2005: The pedestrian started to brush himself off. A man came running over to him and asked, "Have an accident?" The pedestrian said, "No thanks. Just had one!"
  9. Joke of February 2, 2005: Mr Taylor had a retail store that was about to fold. He prayed, "Lord, help me save my store, become my partner and I will donate half the earnings to charity." Starting the next day his prayers were answered and the store became a huge success. His store is named Lord and Taylor. (Hint for everybody who lives outside the US: Lord and Taylor is a big store in New York.)
  10. Correct me if I'm wrong (don't think so though) but aren't you 52, Jan?
  11. Joke of February 1, 2005: There are two ways to tell if you're getting old: - first, a loss of memory; - second ...
  12. Joke of January 31, 2005: The telephone rings. "Hello?" "Hello, is this Joe?" "This is Joe." "It doesn't sound like Joe." "Well, it's Joe." "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure." "Okay. Joe, this is Tom. I need two hundred pounds." "I'll tell Joe when he gets in."
  13. Joke of January 29/30, 2005: Why did the chicken cross the road? PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The fact of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. KANT: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will. MARX: It was an historical inevitability. DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed towards crossing roads. FREUD: The
  14. Joke of January 28, 2005: Caption: "To enter, give your user-name and password."
  15. Joke of January 27, 2005: A freethinker asked a Christian what he thought about Spinoza's theory that human beings are not ranked higher than animals. "If it's the way you say," responded the Christian, "tell me why there is no Spinoza in the animal kingdom?"
  16. Joke of January 26, 2005: At a restaurant: "Waiter, just give me a little piece of this fish." "Pardon, sir, this is ham." "Did I ask you about what it's called, the fish?"
  17. Joke of January 25, 2005: "Just look at that kid with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?" "It's a girl. She's my daughter." "Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father." "I'm not. I'm her mother."
  18. Joke of January 24, 2005: Sol and Mort are coming from religious school. Sol wonders whether it is all right to smoke while praying. Mort replies, "Why don't you ask Rabbi Schwartz?" So Sol goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?" "No, my son, you may not," the rabbi says indignantly. "You asked the wrong question," Mort says and goes to the rabbi. "Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?" To which Rabbi Schwartz replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."
  19. Joke of January 22/23, 2005: An airline recently introduced a special fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates asking how they had enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking "What trip?"
  20. Joke of January 21, 2005: Caption: "Take me to your leader!"
  21. Joke of January 20, 2005: "Waiter! What is this?" "It's bean soup, sir." "I don't want to know what it's been. I want to know what it is!"
  22. Joke of January 19, 2005: Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized that they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when one of the turtles said, "Oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
  23. Joke of January 18, 2005: Noticing that just before the football game started the teams gathered together and prayed briefly, a fan, seated next to a priest, asked what he thought would happen if both teams prayed with equal faith and fervour. "In that event," replied the minister, "I imagine the Lord would simply sit back and enjoy one fine game of football."
  24. Joke of January 17, 2005: What to say when offered a cigarette at a party: "No thank you. I only smoke on special occasions."
  25. Joke of January 15/16, 2005: John entered a store in Brooklyn and asked the shopkeeper, "What is the price of a herring?" "Six cents each," answered Katz, the shopkeeper. Just then the owner of the next store announced his merchandise loudly: "Ladies and gentlemen, cheap! Five cents a herring!" "Do you hear that?" John asked, "Why do you charge more?" "Because," answered Katz, "I wrap the herring in today's newspaper, whereas my neighbour uses papers that are a week old!"
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