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The Talon House


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Everything posted by ShiningKnight

  1. August 29, 2005 "I came to make an appointment with the dentist," said the man to the receptionist. "I'm sorry sir," she replied. "He's out right now, but ..." "Thank you," interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. "When will he be out again?"
  2. August 27/28, 2005 An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician were on holiday in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field. "How interesting," observed the astronomer, "all Scottish sheep are black!" To which the physicist responded, "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!" The mathematician said decisively, "In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."
  3. August 26, 2005 A computer salesman comes to the president of a big corporation and shows him a new computer which works more efficiently than their old one. The president is impressed and says: "Your computer is fantastic and a great bargain. But we cannot get rid of the old one. It knows too much."
  4. August 25, 2005 The father was slightly annoyed when he said to his inquisitive son, "You never stop asking questions. All day long you ask questions. Where would I be if I asked questions like you?" The son answered, "You might be able to answer some of mine!" Salomon Kadisch used to say, "Death is no misfortune. Of course, it's better not to have been born in the first place. But hardly one person in a thousand has that kind of luck."
  5. August 24, 2005 Congratulations! You're the first one to complain about an unopened parachute.
  7. August 22, 2005 A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
  8. August 20/21, 2005 Becky, Sadie and Laura are bragging about their sons. Becky says, "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in London." Sadie says, "My son has done better than that. He is the best doctor in London." Laura says, "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job and he is gay. But he has these two great boyfriends - one is the best lawyer in London and the other is the best doctor in London."
  9. August 19, 2005 Salomon Kadisch used to say, "Death is no misfortune. Of course, it's better not to have been born in the first place. But hardly one person in a thousand has that kind of luck."
  10. August 18, 2005 Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and slap the idiot upside the head.
  11. August 17, 2005 That's very thoughtful of you, Norbert, but I said I like horoscopes, not horror scoops!
  12. August 16, 2005 A Californian walked into the New York Public Library and asked the librarian where the self-help books were. She replied, "If I told you, it would defeat the whole purpose."
  13. August 15, 2005 Sign in front of a restaurant: If you are over 80 and accompanied by your parents, we will cash your cheque.
  14. August 13/14, 2005 The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses. Moses set down his load and raised his hands. "Friends," he said, "friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument I could think of - and I think I was successful. The good news: I brought Him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news: adultery is still in."
  15. August 12, 2005 The remarkable thing about my mother is that for twenty years she has served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
  16. August 11, 2005 A tourist asks the guide: "When does the Loch-Ness monster show up?" "Usually after the fifth shot of whisky."
  17. FORT DESOTO PARK, Florida -- Two boys were rescued from nearly drowning on Saturday. It happened at the North Beach at Fort Desoto Park. One boy ran into trouble when he tried to help his little brother to shore. Fortunately, a good samaritan and a lifeguard were there to help. Nine-year-old Julian Wiseman was swimming with his 5-year old brother, when the younger boy became tired and needed help. Julian held his little brother, but became fatigued and both boys drifted out of the designated swim area. That's when German tourist Christian Strausen realized they were in trouble and ran into the water to save them. The man swam nearly 200 yards and rescued both boys. Lifeguard Mark Chapel helped bring the boys back to shore and performed CPR on Julian until paramedics arrived. Authorities say Julian was conscious and alert, but taken to All Children's Hospital as a precaution. His 5-year-old brother was ok when he made it to shore, and did not have to go to the hospital. Tampa Bay's 10 News
  18. August 10, 2005 If dogs could buy their own food ... Premium Table Scaps Tidbits from the Street Predigested Morsels Doggie Bags Garbage Can Menu Prime Roadkill General Restorative Grass Park General Restorative Grass Center Divider General Restorative Grass Backyard
  19. August 9, 2005 "Hello. Is this Miller?" "No. This is the post office." "Well, do you have the same number as the Millers?" "No ..." "Then why did you pick up the phone?"
  21. August 6/7, 2005 Martha's grandson Jason and his wife are coming to visit her for the first time, so she is giving them directions to her flat. "You come to the front door of the Golders Green block of flats. I am in flat number 32 on the 14th floor. At the front door, you'll see a big panel of buttons. With your elbow, Jason, you push button 32. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the lift is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" "You're coming empty-handed?"
  22. August 5, 2005 Psychiatrist: "How long have you believed in reincarnation?" Patient: "Ever since I was a frog."
  23. August 4, 2005 A boss tells his new employee, "I will give you $8 an hour starting today and in three months I'll raise your wage to $10 an hour. So when would you like to start?" The new employee replied, "In three months."
  24. August 3, 2005 Nothing can make a man a better driver than a police car behind him.
  25. August 2, 2005 Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me... the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on these encouraging words: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
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