ShiningKnight

July 2/3, 2005

A boy from New York was being led through the swamps of the state of Georgia. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

July 1, 2005

The trouble with telling a good story is that it always reminds the other fellow of an extremely dull one.

June 30, 2005

"O.K.! WHICH ONE OF YOU GUYS IS IN HERE FOR COMPUTER HACKING?"

June 29, 2005

Mendel Beroches is dictating to his secretary:

Dear Sir!

Who has given me the promise to pay by the end of the month? You. Who has broken his promise? You. Who is a scoundrel?

Yours most respectfully,

Mendel Beroches

June 28, 2005

"You heard my speech, Professor. Do you think it would improve my delivery if I followed the example of Demosthenes and practiced my diction and elocution with pebbles and marbles in my mouth?"

"I would recommend quick-dry cement."

June 27, 2005

"You have known the defendant how long?"

"Twelve years."

"Tell the court whether you think he is the type of man who would steal this money or not."

"How much was it?"

June 25/26, 2005

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Irish joke ..." The bartender glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice, "Before you go telling that joke, you should know that I'm Irish, both bouncers are Irish and so are most of my customers."

"Okay," says the guy, "I'll tell it very slowly."

June 24, 2005

If you really want the last word in an argument, try saying, "I guess you're right."

June 23, 2005

"Madam, please keep your husband moving. We're stock-taking."

June 22, 2005

A man's car was broken down. He called almost every mechanic in town. But not one of them was able to repair the car's damage. By chance a mechanic was coming towards him. The man asked for help. So the mechanic lifted up the car-bonnet, beat several times with the hammer, and everything was just fine again.

"What do you charge for this?" the man asked.

"Twenty dollars."

Because this was too much for the car's owner, he asked for an itemized bill. On the bill two items were listed:

1 beat with the hammer = 1 Dollar

knowing where = 19 Dollars

-----------------

20 Dollars

June 21, 2005

Old Mr. Collins staggered into the house and told his young wife, "I'm going to fire that chauffeur. He almost killed me a dozen times."

The wife said, "Dear, let's not be hasty. Give him ONE more chance."

June 20, 2005

Bob: "I really like your suit. It fits you like a glove."

Ron: "That's the trouble. It should fit me like a suit."

June 18/19, 2005

Mr Goldberg, from Minsk, coming to America, shared a table in the ship's dining room with a Frenchman. Mr Goldberg could speak neither French nor English; the Frenchman could speak neither Russian nor Yiddish. The first day out, the Frenchman approached the table, bowed and said, "Bon appétit!" Goldberg, puzzled for a moment, bowed back and replied "Goldberg." Every day, at every meal, the same routine occurred. On the fifth day, another passenger took Goldberg aside. "Listen, the Frenchman isn't telling you his name. He's saying 'Good appetite', that's what 'Bon appétit!' means." At the next meal, Mr Goldberg, beaming, bowed to the Frenchman and said, "Bon appétit!" And the Frenchman, beaming, replied: "Goldberg!"

June 17, 2005

Once the teacher asked him, "Paul, who has written 'Hamlet'?" Silence.

"Paul, who has written 'Hamlet'?"

"It was not me, mister teacher, I swear."

"Paul, I am sick and tired with you. Tell your father to come over to see me."

Next day, the father showed up. "You should do something about your son. Yesterday I asked him who wrote 'Hamlet', and he said it was not him!"

"Mister teacher, I wouldn't dream of arguing with you. But, isn't it possible he didn't do it?"

June 16, 2005

YOU GUYS CAN RELAX. THE LABEL ONLY SAYS TOMATOES, VINEGAR, SPICES AND THICKENERS.

June 15, 2005

"After your sermon yesterday I couldn't find any sleep the whole night long," said a parishioner to the preacher. "My words impressed you that way?"

"Not so much that, but when I sleep during the day I stay awake the whole night."

June 14, 2005

A rather distinguished gentleman wearing glasses and a mustache, walks into a store that carries items of art.

"May I take a closer look at this beautiful terracotta figurine? Thank you very much indeed. What a beauty! What power of self-expression! It's a real symphony in ceramics. What an incisive spirit was at work creating this wonder. Excuse me, would it be presumptuous on my part if I were to humbly beg of you to tell me how much you charge for this chef-d'oeuvre?

Three hundred dollars? - S H I T!"

June 13, 2005

Two very rich people got divorced, ... and their lawyers lived happily ever after!

June 11/12, 2005

Frank wanted to get into racehorses and asked his friend Mike about it.

"Well, I have a horse I'm looking to sell. It has had 24 starts and won nine of them. I'll let you have it for 120,000 pounds," said Mike. Frank agreed and gave Mike a cheque for 120,000 pounds. Three days later, Frank got his horse, but it was dead. A month later, Frank runs into Mike again.

"Mike, what's new?"

"Umm, things are well. And with you?"

"Things are great!"

"Frank, you're not upset I sold you a dead racehorse?"

"Not at all Mike. In fact, it made me a lot o' money."

"How is that? It was dead!"

"Well, I had a raffle. I sold 100,000 tickets at 5 pounds a ticket with the horse as the prize."

"Wasn't the winner upset he won a dead racehorse?"

Frank shrugs, "So, I gave him back his 5 pounds!"

June 10, 2005

Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple YES or NO answer.

June 9, 2005

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

June 8, 2005

When Lord Rothschild was buried, a ragged man walked at the funeral procession and cried tears of bitterness.

"You were related to him?" the man beside him asked quietly.

"No," the man sobbed, "that's exactly the reason I'm so sad."

June 7, 2005

A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. The priest trying to tease the rabbi with the ritual regulations of the Jews asked, "When will you finally decide to eat pork?"

"On your wedding day, Reverend Father."

June 6, 2005

Millionaire Feinstaub has been listening to the bellyaching of a poor sponger for about a quarter of an hour; then he calls his servant. "Alfred, chuck out this man, he's breaking my heart!"

June 4/5, 2005

There are things in life I simply don't understand. Recently, I tried to borrow some money in town. But no one wanted to give me any because they do not know me. And at home? There nobody wants to lend me any money because they do know me.