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ShiningKnight

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Posts posted by ShiningKnight

  1. One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."

    The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."

    The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

    The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry".

    The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here."

    The man thanked him and again walked away.

    The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry.

    The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to Speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

    The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

    The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

  2. There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists that

    you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of

    us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

    An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached

    the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor

    for today?"

    "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

    The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a

    crowded office and say things like that."

    "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

    The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in

    this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong

    with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the

    doctor in private."

    The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others,

    if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several

    minutes and then re-entered.

    The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

    "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded

    approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

    "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

    "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

    The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

  3. Dear Santa:

    I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor,sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.

    I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore

    free time in the next 18 years.

    Here are my Christmas wishes:

    I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have)and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

    I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

    If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

    On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

    I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting,

    "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

    And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-laws' house seem just like mine.

    If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

    If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season.

    Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.

    It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family,or if my toddler did't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.

    Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

    Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

    Yours Always...Mom.

    PS One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in you.

  4. A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong

    email address!

    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to

    thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They

    planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent

    their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic

    schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their

    travel schedules.

    So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida

    on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following

    day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a

    computer in his room, so he decided to send an email

    to his wife.

    However, he accidentally left out one letter in her

    email address, and without realizing his error, sent

    the email.

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just

    returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a

    minister who was called home to glory following a

    heart attack. The widow decided to check her email

    expecting messages from relatives and friends.

    After reading the first message, she screamed and

    fainted.

    The widow's son rushed into the room, found his

    mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen

    which read:

    To: My Loving Wife

    Subject: I've Arrived

    Date: October 16, 2004

    I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have

    computers here now and you are allowed to send

    emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and

    have been checked in. I see that everything has been

    prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward

    to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as

    uneventful as mine was.

    P.S. Sure is hot down here!

  5. Aggressive new HIV strain prompts concern over high-risk homosexual lifestyle choices

    By Staff

    Feb 18, 2005

    NEW YORK (BP)--With the possible emergence of a new, more deadly strain of HIV, health officials are scrambling to devise more effective ways to convince those with high-risk lifestyles to alter their sexual behavior.

    Doctors in New York City announced Feb. 11 that they had come across the stronger HIV strain that is resistant to nearly all drugs and leads to the rapid onset of AIDS.

    The strain was found in a man who had tested negative for HIV in 2003 and likely had contracted the virus last October, according to a report in The New York Times. By January, the virus was not responding to the various anti-retroviral drugs used to treat HIV, and he was showing symptoms of AIDS.

    Scientists who study HIV and AIDS have said they had seen both the resistance to drugs and the rapid progression toward AIDS before, but never in the same patient. It was only a matter of time before the virus mutated around the drugs being used to treat it, one scientist told The Times.

    The news has increased the urgency, especially among those who seek to curb unprotected sex among homosexual men, to raise the level of awareness about the risk of AIDS once again. The Times said the anti-retroviral drugs have extended the life span and quality of life of so many AIDS patients since the mid-1990s that a younger generation no longer lives with adequate fear of contracting the disease.

    As the fear of AIDS in America has subsided, a new trend among homosexual men, most notably in New York City, mixes crystal methamphetamine with high rates of unprotected sex.

    "Crystal meth is all over the place now, and once you start using it, it becomes integrated in your mind with sex, and the idea of sober sex holds no interest," Peter Staley, a former user who started a campaign against methamphetamine, told The Times.

    A recent survey of homosexual men found that 25 percent had used crystal meth during the last few months, The Times said. Users typically mix methamphetamine with other drugs like Viagra for sexual marathons with other homosexual men, and one expert told The Times it is common for men using meth to have sex with 10 to 20 partners in one night. Too often, the sexual partners are anonymous and condoms are not used.

    Initial reports indicate the New York City man who is infected with the more deadly strain of HIV had sex with hundreds of sexual partners, raising the chances that others who have caught the strain will begin to surface, The Times said.

    Many AIDS experts predict it's only a matter of time before a resurgence of the AIDS epidemic hits the United States as more powerful strains of the virus spread through high rates of unprotected sex.

    "People are not going to modify their sexual habits in ways that are difficult or unpleasant until they see their friends dying again," Gabriel Rotello, author of "Sexual Ecology: AIDS and the Destiny of Gay Men," told The Times. "And to me that's just an unbelievably depressing thought.

    While the number of AIDS-related deaths has fallen dramatically since the emergence of more effective drugs, The Times said the rate of new infections has remained unchanged at about 40,000 per year.

    http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?ID=20177

  6. Zoo tempts gay penguins to go straight

    A German zoo has imported four female penguins from Sweden in an effort to tempt its gay penguins to go straight.

    Penguins at Bremerhaven Zoo in Bremen /Europics

    The four Swedish females were dispatched to the Bremerhaven Zoo in Bremen after it was found that three of the zoo's five penguin pairs were homosexual.

    Keepers at the zoo ordered DNA tests to be carried out on the penguins after they had been mating for years without producing any chicks.

    It was only then they realised that six of the birds were living in homosexual partnerships.

    Director Heike Kueck said that the zoo hoped to see some baby penguins in the coming months.

    She said that the birds had been mating for years and one couple even adopted a stone that they protected like an egg.

    Kueck said that the project has the support of the European Endangered Species Programme because the penguins, which are native to South America, are an endangered species.

    A biologist will be on hand to monitor the experiment.

    But introducing the Bremerhaven penguins to their new Swedish friends may not be as successful as hoped after earlier experiments revealed great difficulties in separating homosexual couples.

    In case they show no interest, the zoo has also flown in two new male penguins "so that the ladies don't miss out

    www.ananova.com

    LOL - I just was about to post the same article...

    Still wondering that this story seems to spread around the world. :huh:

  7. Climate warnings, pressure on US as Kyoto takes effect

    AFP: 2/16/2005

    PARIS, Feb 16 (AFP) - Celebrations to mark the birth of the UN's Kyoto Protocol mingled Wednesday with warnings about climate change and renewed appeals for the United States, the biggest single source of greenhouse gas, to take action.

    In a message to ceremonies in Kyoto, the Japanese city where the landmark environmental treaty was agreed in 1997, UN Secretary General Kofi Annan branded global warming "one of the biggest challenges of the 21st century."

    "By itself, the Protocol will not save humanity from the dangers of climate change," Annan said. "So let us celebrate, but let us not be complacent ... there is no time to lose."

    The European Union, which rescued the Protocol after a US walkout in 2001, hailed Kyoto's enactment but said it was only a first step towards tackling a worsening and destabilising peril.

    "Climate change is a threat not only to our environment, but also to our security," EU foreign policy chief Javier Solana said in a statement issued in Brussels.

    "The international community has recognised this threat and is implementing a global strategy to counter it. Kyoto represents a concrete example of effective multilateralism in action."

    The head of the UN Environment Programme (UNEP), Klaus Toepfer, said scientific evidence showed the Earth's surface was warming faster than previously thought.

    Solar heat was being trapped by carbon gas spewed by fossil fuels -- and this was already damaging the climate system.

    The reports "make terrifying reading, a vision of a planet spinning out of control," Toepfer said. "I certainly hope that these new calculations are proven wrong. However, it seems many of the past theoretical forecasts are sadly coming home to pass."

    British Prime Minister Tony Blair agreed.

    In three or four decades, climate change "is going to cause difficulty, if not catastrophe," Blair said on British television.

    Kyoto finally took effect on Wednesday after a gestation of more than seven years in which nations wrangled over its rulebook and then its ratification.

    It has the support of 141 countries but its future is clouded by a boycott by the biggest single emitter, the United States, which by itself accounts for more than a fifth of world pollution.

    Kyoto does not require developing countries to make specific cuts in their carbon gas emissions. In recent years, populous fast-growing countries like China and India have become major polluters, thanks to surging use of oil, gas and coal to fuel their economies.

    As a result, the industrialised parties to Kyoto -- which exclude the United States -- are likely to have reduced their emissions by only a couple of percent by 1990 levels when the treaty's present commitment period runs out in 2012. But in the meantime, global emissions will have continued to soar.

    EU president Luxembourg called on "all developed countries that have not ratified the treaty to do so... particularly (...) the United States."

    Blair -- Bush's closest political ally -- has made global warming a top issue during Britain's current presidency of the Group of Eight (G8).

    "What I am trying to do later this year is to make sure we pull America back into a dialogue and put China and India alongside that and if we manage that I think we will get back on the right track," Blair said.

    "If we made the investment in the science and technology now we could probably find that we could carry on consuming and our living standards growing without doing real damage to the environment," Blair added.

    German Environment Minister Juergen Trittin, in a video address to Kyoto, said "We must also reincorporate the USA into the international climate protection process."

    "The world's largest emitter of greenhouse gases must face up to its responsibility. It is unacceptable to me and for the climate that despite the same quality of living the annual per-capita emissions of greenhouse gases in the USA is two and a half times the level in Europe."

    There was no early reaction from Washington on Kyoto's big day.

    Australia, however, stood by its argument that it would be seriously disadvantaged by the pact.

    "Until such times as the major polluters of the world, including the United States and China are made part of the Kyoto regime it is next to useless and indeed harmful for a country such as Australia to sign up for the Kyoto Protocol," Prime Minister John Howard told parliament.

    Green groups reacted with delight that Kyoto, which was on its death bed less than four years ago, had survived, but cautioned that little time was left to deal with global warming because of the delays.

    Greenpeace staged media-friendly demonstrations in Kyoto as well as Bonn, Moscow, Madrid, Helsinki, Sydney, Bangalore and Hong Kong to push for a switch to clean energy sources.

    TurkishPress.com

    02/16/2005 16:34 GMT - AFP

    Copyright © 2004 Agence France Presse. All rights reserved.

  8. CALL IT LOVE

    Poco

    We've got all night, lets take our time

    Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine

    If it makes us feel better,

    (call it love)

    You say you won't, I say you will

    You make me (crazy but I want you still)

    If it makes us feel better,

    (call it love)

    (Do we tell the truth, do we live our lives)

    (Is the feeling good, is that what makes you fly)

    (When you say those words look me in the eye)

    Tell me why you (call it love)

    I've played my hand, you've called my bluff

    Refresh each (other till we've had enough)

    (When it's all you've got, call it love)

    (If I didn't have money, would you want me still)

    (When you look real cross do we fit the bill)

    Darling (what you want) only (time will tell)

    (break)

    (Do we tell the truth, do we live our lives)

    (Is the feeling good, is that what makes you fly)

    (When you say those words look me in the eye)

    Tell me why you (call it love)

    We've got all night, lets take our time

    Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine

    If it makes us feel better,

    (call it love)

    (call it love)

    (call it love)

    (call it love)

    When it's all you've got,

    (call it love)

  9. It's quiet now

    And what it brings

    Is everything

    Comes calling back

    A brilliant night

    I'm still awake

    I looked ahead

    I'm sure I saw you there

    You don't need me

    To tell you now

    That nothing can compare

    You might have laughed if I told you

    You might have hidden A frown

    You might have succeeded in changing me

    I might have been turned around

    It's easier to leave than to be left behind

    Leaving was never my proud

    Leaving New York, never easy

    I saw the light fading out

    Now life is sweet

    And what it brings

    I tried to take

    But loneliness

    It wears me out

    It lies in way

    And all not lost

    Still in my eyes

    The shadow of necklace

    Across your thigh

    I might've lived my life in a dream, but I swear

    This is real

    Memory fuses and shatters like glass

    Mercurial future, forget the past

    It's you, it's what I feel.

    You might have laughed if I told you (it's pulling me apart)

    You might have hidden a frown (change)

    You might have succeeded in changing me (it's pulling me apart)

    I might have been turned around (change)

    It's easier to leave than to be left behind (it's pulling me apart)

    Leaving was never my proud (change)

    Leaving New York, never easy (it's pulling me apart)

    I saw the light fading out

    You find it in your heart, it's pulling me apart

    You find it in your heart, change...

    I told you, forever

    I love you, forever

    I told you, I love you

    I love you, forever

    I told you, forever

    You never, you never

    You told me forever

    You might have laughed if I told you

    You might have hidden the frown

    You might have succeeded in changing me

    I might have been turned around

    It's easier to leave than to be left behind (it's pulling me apart)

    Leaving was never my proud (change)

    Leaving New York never easy (it's pulling me apart)

    I saw the life fading out (change)

    Leaving New York, never easy (it's pulling me apart)

    I saw the light fading out (change)

    Leaving New York never easy (it's pulling me apart)

    I saw the life fading out (change)

  10. Beer Drinker's Troubleshooting Guide

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; beer is unusually pale and clear.

    Fault: Glass empty

    Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; front of your shirt is wet

    Fault: Mouth not open when drinking OR glass applied to wrong part of face

    Action: Buy another beer and practise in front of mirror; drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique!

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet

    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle

    Action: Turn glass other way so that open end points towards ceiling!

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet

    Fault: Improper bladder control

    Action: Go and stand next to nearest dog; after a while, complain loudly to owner about lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation!

    Symptom: Floor blurred

    Fault: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass

    Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

    Symptom: Floor swaying

    Fault: Excessive air turbulence, probably due to air-hockey game in progress in bar

    Action: Insert broomhandle down back of shirt.

    Symptom: Floor moving

    Fault: You are being carried out.

    Action: Find out if you are simply being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

    Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips!

    Fault: You have fallen over backwards

    Action: If your glass is full - and no one is standing on your drinking arm - stay put and carry on. If not, get someone to help you up; attach self to bar.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim; your mouth is full of cigarette butts

    Fault: You have fallen forwards

    Action: See above

    Symptom: Everything has gone dark

    Fault: The pub is closed

    Action: Panic!!!

    Symptom: You awaken to find your bed cold, hard and wet; you can not see anything in your bedroom.

    Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter

    Action: Check your watch to see if the pubs are open yet; if not, treat yourself to a sleep-in!

  11. The Ladies

    The scene: a pub in the outback.

    A cobber strolls in through the bat wing doors, greets the barman Harry and takes a seat at the bar. Harry says G'day, and gives him an Emu lager.

    Later, another cobber comes in, says "G'day" sits at the bar and orders an Emu. They sit there quietly supping Harry polishes the glasses, the flies buzz contentedly.

    A third cobber enters, says "G'day" sits at the bar, orders an Emu. They drink. Later, a rather haggard looking swagman comes in, says "G'day", sits at the bar, orders an Emu, they all consume gently.

    After a while the Swagman stands up, goes to the middle of the pub where there is a half of a 44 gallon drum. He hauls out his willy, and proceeds to piddle into it. The barman sees this, shakes his head in disgust, reaches under the bar for his shotgun and blows the Swagman away!

    One of the cobbers says "Jeez Harry, wasn't that a bit harsh?"

    Harry says" If I told that bastard once, I told him a hundred times, not to use the Ladies!"

  12. Pub Slang

    Term Definition

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Aeroplane Blonde One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

    Aussie Kiss Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

    Beer Coat The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

    Beer Compass The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a Booze cruise, even though you're too pi$$ed to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from.

    BOBFOC Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

    Breaking the Seal Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

    Britney Spears Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".

    BRUCE LEE Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

    Drink-Link A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

    Flogging On Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

    SSSSSSSSSSHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

    Greyhound A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

    Gunt What young gals show when they wear the latest fashion hipster jeans & pants. It's the gap between the gut & the c@nt.

    Hand-to-Gland Combat A vigorous masturbation session.

    Johnny-no-Stars A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

    Going for A McShit Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a Mcshit with Lies.

    Millennium Domes The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fu(k-all in there worth seeing.

    Monkey Bath A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

    Mumbler An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i. e. you can see the 'lips moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

    Mystery Bus The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

    Mystery Taxi The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

    Nelson Mandela Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

    Pearl Harbour Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

    Picasso Arse A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

    Salad Dodger An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

    Starfish Trooper OR Ar$etronaut A homosexual.

    Swamp-Donkey A deeply unattractive woman.

    Tart Fuel Bottled Alcopops, e. g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

    Titanic A lady who goes down first time out.

    Todger Dodger A lesbian.

    Up On Blocks Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

    Wallace and Gromit Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

    Wynona Ryder Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e. g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen"

  13. Husbands

    3 woman sitting around talking and drinking, decide to give there husbands nicknames.

    So the first woman says, "I would name my husband Mountain Dew because when he mounts he knows what to do".

    The second woman says, "well I would name my husband 7UP because he is 7 inches long and always up".

    Well the third woman says, "I would name my husband Jack Daniels".

    Woman number two says, "girl you can't name your husband Jack Daniels, that's hard liquer".

    The third woman says, "that's my Jack".

  14. The Fosters Ad

    I don't have a kangaroo for a pet

    I don't wrestle with crocodiles

    And I don't wear a cork hat

    I fight wars

    But never start wars

    I would rather make peace

    I can wear my country's flag with pride

    I am a rock

    I am the island continent

    My brothers are the Smiths, the Wilson's, the Santerellis, the De Costis,

    The Wong's and the Jagamarras

    I play football without a helmet

    I like beetroot on my hamburger

    I ride in the front seat of the taxi

    I believe it's a prawn not a shrimp

    I believe the world is round and down under is on top

    I believe Australia is the best address on Earth

    And Australians brew the best beer.

    The Real Aussie Ad

    I ate my pet Kangaroo

    I am S**t scared of crocodiles

    And I wear a baseball cap

    I love star wars

    And the wookie is my favorite

    I would rather get pissed

    And watch someone else carry the country's flag with pride

    I like to rock

    To Billy Ocean

    I am blind to my incompetence

    My brothers are the Smith's the Wilson's, the Wogs, the Lebs,

    The Chinks and the Abo's

    I watch football with a tinnie

    I take the beetroot off my hamburgers and throw Macca's pickles on windows

    I do runners from taxis

    I believe the world is flat

    And Australia is f****** miles away from anywhere

    I believe Australia has the best address on earth

    And Australians brew the best beer on earth

    And that's why we never touch Fosters.....

  15. 40 Signs You Have a Drinking Problem

    You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

    You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    Classes start interfering with your drinking.

    Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

    Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

    The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

    That damned pink elephant followed you home again.

    You believe "Two hands and just one mouth... That's a drinking problem."

    When you enter a party people shout, "Norm!"

    You can focus better with one eye closed.

    The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    Every woman you see has an exact twin.

    Beer, Beer, Beer... is all you can say after the 12th one.

    If you keep asking your wife, "Where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife. She's actually your couch.

    You fall off the floor.

    You discover in the morning that your liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.

    Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

    You had your "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, and replaced it with "Red Dog."

    5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, so you skip dinner.

    Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.

    The glass keeps missing your mouth.

    Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

    When you go to donate blood they ask what proof it is.

    Mosquitoes and vampires catch a buzz after biting you.

    You believe your only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.

    At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

    Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.

    Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

    Having a hard time staying on the side walk because you walk in the pattern: Left, right stumble fall.

    You wake up in the bedroom, but your underwear is in the bathroom and you fell asleep clothed.

    When you tell people, "I'm not under the affluence of incohol."

    You wake up with a traffic cone between your legs.

    When you tell people, "I'm not drunk... You're just sober."

    Even rednecks stops doing jokes about your drinking.

    You find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.

    When the bar owner actually carved your name onto your own barstool.

    Roseanne looks good.

    You don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

    You like the Barney socks you're wearing.

  16. Drinking Again

    A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

    He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

    "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

    "The pub called - you left your wheelchair there again."

  17. Proposed Beer Label Warnings

    PROPOSED WARNING SIGNS TO BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING BACK A PINT OR TWELVE.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at 100 yards.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a******.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

    WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

  18. The Beer Song

    DOW - the thing that buys the BEER

    RAY - the man that sells the BEER

    ME - the man that drinks the BEER

    FAR - a long way to get BEER

    SO - I’ll have another BEER

    LA - I’ll have another BEER

    TEA - no thanks I’m drinking BEER

    And that will bring us back to BEER, BEER, BEER, BEER.

    REPEAT until you get thrown out of where ever you are.

  19. Beer Quotes

    Famous beer related quotes

    You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. - Frank Zappa

    Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. - Ernest Hemmingway

    Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. - Winston Churchill

    He was a wise man who invented beer. - Plato

    Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. - Catherine Zandonella

    A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. - W.C. Fields

    Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

    Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. - His reply

    If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. - David Daye

    Work is the curse of the drinking class. - Oscar Wilde When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman

    Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. - Benjamin Franklin

    If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Deep Thought, Jack Handy

    Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry

    The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. - Humphrey Bogart

    Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. - David Moulton

    People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. - Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

    Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Kaiser Wilhelm

    I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. - Homer Simpson

    Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. - Dave Barry

    I drink to make other people interesting. - George Jean Nathan

    They who drink beer will think beer. - Washington Irving

    An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. - For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

    You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - Dean Martin

    All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. - Homer Simpson

  20. The Beer Prayer

    Our lager,

    Which art in barrels,

    Hallowed be thy drink.

    I will be drunk,

    At home as in the tavern.

    Give us this day our foamy head,

    And forgive us our spillages,

    As we forgive those who spill against us.

    And lead us not to incarceration,

    But deliver us from hangovers.

    For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.

    Forever and ever,

    Barmen

  21. The Drinker's Alphabet

    A is for Alcohol, The key to surviving college

    B is for Beer, The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging

    C is for Class, What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party

    D is for Dancing, A favourite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic

    E is for Emergency, The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party

    F is for f*****-Up, Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out

    G is for Games, Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers

    H is for Hang-over, Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank

    I is for Idiot, The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party

    J is for Jail, Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home

    K is for Kissing, What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers

    L is for Lord, Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol

    M is for Money, That which you no longer have due to too much partying

    N is for Not Again!, What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know.

    O is for Ouch!, When you sober up, you ache everywhere, as you were so drunk that you fell down the stairs somewhere, and are only now feeling the pain.

    P is for Piss, What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer

    Q is for Quilt, What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning

    R is for Reform, What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet

    S is for Sex, What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk

    T is for Ten, The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk U is for Under-Age, Most of the drinking population in college town

    V is for Vodka, The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour

    W is for Worm, The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow

    X is for X-Ray, How they can see into your stomach before they pump it

    Y is for Yourself, The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end

    Z is for Zoned, How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking

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