ShiningKnight

June 3, 2005

Patient: "Doctor, I have yellow teeth. What do I do?"

Dentist: "Wear a brown tie ..."

June 2, 2005

Moishe goes to see his Rabbi. "I need your advice. My wife just gave birth to a girl."

"Mazeltov (Congratulations)."

"Thank you. Can we name the baby after a relative?"

"According to Jewish custom, you can name a baby after a departed father, mother, brother ..."

"But ... they are still alive."

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that."

June 1, 2005

Listen Buster! It's opportunity knocking. So open the stupid door. I won't push your buzzer twice!

Thank you Pat.

Sorry for my absence but I had to prepare for and write quite a few exams during the past weeks. Since I am on vacation now (till 10/10, yay!) I'll have the time to catch up on the jokes I haven't posted yet (quite a few I know).

(*I'm sorry*...) unsure

May 31, 2005

John was talking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently. I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. Then I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"

The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"

May 30, 2005

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden STOP at the end.

May 28/29, 2005

A man who had been working for the circus for many years as Mr. Tiny, the shortest man alive, agreed to meet with the local newspaper reporter on his day off to be interviewed. The reporter arrived on time but was quite surprised to be greeted by a man who was nearly six feet tall. The reporter thought he must be in the wrong place and asked for Mr. Tiny.

"That's me," said the man.

"But you're supposed to be short!" said the reporter. To which Mr. Tiny replied, "I've already told you - this is my day off."

May 27, 2005

A psychiatrist says to his patient, "So, you say that you're happy to pay your taxes ... And when did this actually start?"

May 26, 2005

"Yesterday Mendel came to me. He wanted to beat me up."

"How do you know that he wanted to?"

"Nu ..., if he hadn't wanted to, he wouldn't have done it."

May 25, 2005

Listen Cookie, you're not the only one who has to fake the "tail-wag"!

May 24, 2005

My mother once gave me two sweaters for my birthday. The next time I visited her, I made sure to wear one. Instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

May 23, 2005

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, and two to argue about whether or not the light bulb really exists.

May 21/22, 2005

"Ivan, have you heard - Einstein is coming to Odessa."

"Who is he? Is he a famous pharmacist?"

"No, he is a famous physicist. He is the author of the 'Theory of the Relativity'."

"What's that?"

"Well, how can I explain this ...? You see, you have two hairs on your head. Is that a lot or a little?"

"A little."

"And now let's imagine you found the same number of hairs in your soup ..."

"Really? He is coming to Odessa with this stupid joke?"

May 20, 2005

The owner of a Scottish company tells his employees: "You worked very well during this year. The company's profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I'll give everyone a check for 20 pounds. If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks."

May 19, 2005

An eagle is smoking some weed. A frog asks him for one drag, so the eagle gives a joint to her. She inhales, suddenly feels great, big smile, jumps away and bumps into a crocodile.

"Why are you so happy, froggie?" the crocodile asks. "You know what, the eagle is smoking pot and he will share it with you if you ask ..." So the crocodile finds the eagle and asks him for a hit. The eagle looks at him and says, "You know, I think, you've had enough, froggie."

May 18, 2005

A statistician is a person who, if you've got your feet in the oven and your head in the refrigerator, will tell you that, on average, you're very comfortable.

May 17, 2005

Why should I go to Baker's funeral? He definitely will not go to mine!

May 16, 2005

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way you'll get one thing done.

May 14/15, 2005

Three friends were in a bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admit something they have never admitted to anyone.

"Okay," says Oliver, "I've never told anybody I'm gay!"

Barney confesses, "I'm having an affair with my boss's wife."

Mark begins, "I don't know how to tell you ..."

"Don't be shy," says Oliver and Barney.

"Well," says Mark with hesitation, "...I can't keep secrets."

May 13, 2005

A telephone rang in a hospital. "Please, send an ambulance, our mother-in-law has eaten poisonous mushrooms." The ambulance came, the paramedics took some mushrooms for analysis, and looked at the woman. "But why does she have bruises and cratches all over?"

"Didn't want to eat the mushrooms."

May 12, 2005

Rabinovich sits in front of the Rockefeller Bank and sells oranges. His friend comes and asks to borrow a couple of bucks.

"You know," says Rabinovich, "Rockefeller and I reached an agreement - he does not sell oranges, and I do not lend money."

May 11, 2005

My card! I represent shysters and legal consultants.

We specialize in eviction cases.

May 10, 2005

A popular French magazine held a contest for the best description of MORNING. First prize was awarded to the author of the following essay:

I wake up, have breakfast, put my clothes on, and go home.

May 9, 2005

One actor has an agent with branches overseas. Now the actor is out of work in sixteen countries.

May 7/8, 2005

John goes to see his friend Bill, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

"Bill, you mustn't wait too long. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!"

"Don't bother," replies Bill, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good," said John, "but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"