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The Talon House

Primer for Real Germans


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Set all stereotypes aside and read about Real Germans' habits, likes and dislikes.

By guest author WEISSDORN

Real Germans want everything at least 99.999999%. That is to say, before they purchase any product it should be 100% with a 1 Euro price. Maximum quality (nothing less will do), and minimum price.

Real Germans are perpetual bargain hunters. As soon as they buy anything they are slightly unhappy, because somewhere else that has inevitably escaped their attention, there was some place that had a better quality and it was cheaper!

Real Germans hate anything artificial in their food, even if it does improve the quality of the food, such as additives, vitamins, preservatives, or things that prevent it from becoming "yucky" after 24 hours. Let us not even speak about gene-spliced food or drugs to prevent livestock from becoming sick.

Many real German men love their cars more than their children. While children usually don't mind their parents, the car never fails to obey the commands of it's driver. And let's face it, a convertible Mercedes does look more attractive than some little kid with ice cream squished all over his face.

Real Germans are in love with their jobs. A German without a recognized profession is a nobody. A poor life have professional nobodies in Germany. Those are the people who did not qualify for some profession, like me, because my academic credentials where obtained in the U.S., which all Germans know are inferior to REAL German learning institutions. Even though a German may be unemployed for a substantial amount of time, he is still somebody, because he has learned a profession.

Real Germans are worry-worts. Female Germans excel in this trait. Worrying is almost a full-time job, because daily there are lots of things to worry about in this country. Will Germany ever live it down that they came in second place in the World Soccer Cup? Will another airplane crash over my head if I live near Lake Constance? If the poor Soviet people come to Germany to claim the horrid broken bodies of their children, will they want to stay in Germany and never go home? Will I lose my job because the Euro is making everything more expensive? If I leave work now, will there still be a parking place available at the supermarket?

Want to make a real German turn white with shock? Just tell him, that where you live you don't have liability insurance, you aren't too concerned if your kids don't have a registered place for pre-school, and if your landlord evicts you - hey no big deal, you'll just move.

Real Germans hate "winging it". They like pre-planned programs with lots of little details. They can usually be the first people to point out that you made a mistake in your planning.

There is a rumor that Germans have no sense of humor. This is absolutely false. They do have a sense of humor, in fact there is even a non-translatable word for their sense of humor, "Schadensfreude". There are two words stuck in this word. The first one is "Schadens" which means "misfortune", "damage", "injury". The other word is "Freude" which means "joy", "happiness". In other words, it literally means "joy for another's misfortune", which is why Mr. Bean is more popular in Germany than in Britain. Germans do not feel any sympathy for Mr. Bean. They are not laughing with him; they are laughing at him.

For real German profanity is anal and not coital. Germans do not say "F*ck!" when they are angry or disappointed, they say "Sh*t!". Likewise they do not describe a person they are not particular fond of as a "M*ther-F*cker!" but instead as an "A**hole!". Some say it was no wonder that Sigmund Freund "discovered" the concept of anal fixation; his first patients let out their frustration in the German language.


Real Germans are cleanliness fanatics. Usually they can only relax and stop worrying when they use their toilet at home, because then they are absolutely 100% sure that it was cleaned properly, because they did this themselves, after the cleaning lady cleaned it first. The chemical industry profits from this obssession, because the Germans are European leaders in the number of cleaning agents, powders and soaps that are purchased annually.

Real Germans consider holiday (vacation) time a God-given right, and sometimes I have the feeling that some of them are convinced that it has been incorporated into the German Constitution, if not the Holy Bible (Thou shalt have 30 days paid vacation time), instead of the civil working laws. The excuse is that without vacation time the working professional cannot regain physical and mental strength to maintain the productivity, is only an excuse. People who actually admit that they spent it riding their bicycle around the neighborhood, or even going to a cabin at the lake are considered by their peers as inferior. Real Germans have to have a trendy vacation, such as hiking in the Himalayas, sailing in the Mediterranean, or mountain biking in Cambodia, or the Australian Outback. If you don't want to be disregarded by your German colleagues altogether, then at least the all-inclusive hotel on Mallorca, Tenerife, or Ibiza.

Real Germans believe in the soundness of the education system. The fact that they rank No. 25 in the list of developed countries is simply considered as irrelevant, although they are doing what they can to prove that this statistic is based on poor testing results not from real German children, but from immigrants from other countries.

Real Germans believe that traditional German cuisine is superior, and will be the first to tell you that Rheinischer Sauerbraten is superior to Chateau Briand or Filet Mignon. Although France may have more types of cheese; Germany has more kinds of bread and preserved meats (sausage). No real German would ever admit that the Roulade is a dish they stole from the French.

Real Germans prefer minor rules that regulate daily life, such as the Hausordnung. The Hausordnung is the set of rules that governs the daily life in uncounted apartment houses. The Hausordnung tells the Germans when they can make noise or music, when they have to be quiet. Who has to clean the stairwell, take out the trash or shovel snow. It even tells them how often they are allowed to have a party. Although it would seem a contradiction. As much as they like making these rules, they also like to break them, and then the others seem to enjoy lecturing the ones who broke the rules that they have done something absolutely impossible, and they must be punished for this. No, I don't understand it! The courts are full of cases based on petty neighbor squabbles.

Real Germans love clubs. Clubs (Vereine) in Germany even have a special financial tax-free status (e.V. - eingetragenes Verein). There are clubs for everything from bowling to knitting, singing and rowing, for animal lovers of all kinds, even clubs for people who have been abducted by aliens. You name it - they have a club for it somewhere in Germany. I used to think the only purpose for these clubs was joining together people who had a common interest. But there is a secondary purpose. The clubs have to have strict rules, and generally it is the duty of the older club members to make sure that the younger club members strictly follow the rules. If this starts to get on your nerves - there is only one solution as a real German - form your own club and make up your own rules!


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