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The Talon House

Funny Stuff II


ShiningKnight
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20 Shots

A guy kicks open the door and runs in to a bar. He slides up fast to the bar and shouts to the bartender, "GIVE ME TWENTY SHOTS RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF ME, OF THE STRONGEST GALL DANG LIKKER YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SELL"!

The bartender rushes and fills up the glasses and set them out in front of the man and steps back. The man drinks those shots and hammers the empties back down on the bar as fast as humanly possible. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!

The man steps back and wipes his mouth with his sleeve and already the booze are starting to have his way with him. The bartender shakes his head and looks at the guy and says, "Sir I have never seen a man drink so much alcohol so quickly and still be standing up, You sir are the reason I became a bartender, I say again I have never seen a man drink like that before".

The man says(with a slur this time),"Buddy yoooo'd drink like that tooo if yooou had what I've got".

The bartender leaned forward with sympathy at the man's plight and said,"What have you got buddy"?

......."uuuh.... hic..... Fifty cents".

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Alcohol At Work

Why we should have alcohol at work:

It's an incentive to show up.

It reduces stress.

It leads to more honest communications.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

It encourages carpooling.

Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

It makes fellow employees look better.

It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.

Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

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The Drinker's Alphabet

A is for Alcohol, The key to surviving college

B is for Beer, The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging

C is for Class, What you're supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party

D is for Dancing, A favourite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic

E is for Emergency, The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party

F is for f*****-Up, Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out

G is for Games, Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers

H is for Hang-over, Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank

I is for Idiot, The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party

J is for Jail, Where you'll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home

K is for Kissing, What you'll do to anything that moves after 15 beers

L is for Lord, Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol

M is for Money, That which you no longer have due to too much partying

N is for Not Again!, What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don't know.

O is for Ouch!, When you sober up, you ache everywhere, as you were so drunk that you fell down the stairs somewhere, and are only now feeling the pain.

P is for Piss, What you have to do every five minutes while you're drinking beer

Q is for Quilt, What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning

R is for Reform, What you promise god you will do while you're puking in the toilet

S is for Sex, What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk

T is for Ten, The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk U is for Under-Age, Most of the drinking population in college town

V is for Vodka, The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour

W is for Worm, The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow

X is for X-Ray, How they can see into your stomach before they pump it

Y is for Yourself, The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end

Z is for Zoned, How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking

Edited by ShiningKnight
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The Beer Prayer

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

I will be drunk,

At home as in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.

Forever and ever,

Barmen

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Beer Quotes

Famous beer related quotes

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. - Frank Zappa

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. - Ernest Hemmingway

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. - Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. - Plato

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. - Catherine Zandonella

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. - W.C. Fields

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. - His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. - David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking class. - Oscar Wilde When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. - Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. - Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. - David Moulton

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. - Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. - Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. - Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting. - George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer. - Washington Irving

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. - For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - Dean Martin

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. - Homer Simpson

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The Beer Song

DOW - the thing that buys the BEER

RAY - the man that sells the BEER

ME - the man that drinks the BEER

FAR - a long way to get BEER

SO - I’ll have another BEER

LA - I’ll have another BEER

TEA - no thanks I’m drinking BEER

And that will bring us back to BEER, BEER, BEER, BEER.

REPEAT until you get thrown out of where ever you are.

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Proposed Beer Label Warnings

PROPOSED WARNING SIGNS TO BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING BACK A PINT OR TWELVE.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a******.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

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Drinking Again

A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called - you left your wheelchair there again."

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40 Signs You Have a Drinking Problem

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Classes start interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

That damned pink elephant followed you home again.

You believe "Two hands and just one mouth... That's a drinking problem."

When you enter a party people shout, "Norm!"

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Every woman you see has an exact twin.

Beer, Beer, Beer... is all you can say after the 12th one.

If you keep asking your wife, "Where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife. She's actually your couch.

You fall off the floor.

You discover in the morning that your liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

You had your "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, and replaced it with "Red Dog."

5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, so you skip dinner.

Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.

The glass keeps missing your mouth.

Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

When you go to donate blood they ask what proof it is.

Mosquitoes and vampires catch a buzz after biting you.

You believe your only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.

At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

Having a hard time staying on the side walk because you walk in the pattern: Left, right stumble fall.

You wake up in the bedroom, but your underwear is in the bathroom and you fell asleep clothed.

When you tell people, "I'm not under the affluence of incohol."

You wake up with a traffic cone between your legs.

When you tell people, "I'm not drunk... You're just sober."

Even rednecks stops doing jokes about your drinking.

You find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.

When the bar owner actually carved your name onto your own barstool.

Roseanne looks good.

You don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

You like the Barney socks you're wearing.

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The Fosters Ad

I don't have a kangaroo for a pet

I don't wrestle with crocodiles

And I don't wear a cork hat

I fight wars

But never start wars

I would rather make peace

I can wear my country's flag with pride

I am a rock

I am the island continent

My brothers are the Smiths, the Wilson's, the Santerellis, the De Costis,

The Wong's and the Jagamarras

I play football without a helmet

I like beetroot on my hamburger

I ride in the front seat of the taxi

I believe it's a prawn not a shrimp

I believe the world is round and down under is on top

I believe Australia is the best address on Earth

And Australians brew the best beer.

The Real Aussie Ad

I ate my pet Kangaroo

I am S**t scared of crocodiles

And I wear a baseball cap

I love star wars

And the wookie is my favorite

I would rather get pissed

And watch someone else carry the country's flag with pride

I like to rock

To Billy Ocean

I am blind to my incompetence

My brothers are the Smith's the Wilson's, the Wogs, the Lebs,

The Chinks and the Abo's

I watch football with a tinnie

I take the beetroot off my hamburgers and throw Macca's pickles on windows

I do runners from taxis

I believe the world is flat

And Australia is f****** miles away from anywhere

I believe Australia has the best address on earth

And Australians brew the best beer on earth

And that's why we never touch Fosters.....

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Husbands

3 woman sitting around talking and drinking, decide to give there husbands nicknames.

So the first woman says, "I would name my husband Mountain Dew because when he mounts he knows what to do".

The second woman says, "well I would name my husband 7UP because he is 7 inches long and always up".

Well the third woman says, "I would name my husband Jack Daniels".

Woman number two says, "girl you can't name your husband Jack Daniels, that's hard liquer".

The third woman says, "that's my Jack".

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Pub Slang

Term Definition

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Aeroplane Blonde One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

Aussie Kiss Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Beer Coat The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Beer Compass The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a Booze cruise, even though you're too pi$$ed to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

Breaking the Seal Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Britney Spears Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".

BRUCE LEE Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

Drink-Link A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

Flogging On Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

SSSSSSSSSSHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

Greyhound A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

Gunt What young gals show when they wear the latest fashion hipster jeans & pants. It's the gap between the gut & the c@nt.

Hand-to-Gland Combat A vigorous masturbation session.

Johnny-no-Stars A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

Going for A McShit Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a Mcshit with Lies.

Millennium Domes The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fu(k-all in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

Mumbler An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i. e. you can see the 'lips moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

Mystery Bus The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

Nelson Mandela Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

Pearl Harbour Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

Picasso Arse A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

Salad Dodger An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

Starfish Trooper OR Ar$etronaut A homosexual.

Swamp-Donkey A deeply unattractive woman.

Tart Fuel Bottled Alcopops, e. g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

Titanic A lady who goes down first time out.

Todger Dodger A lesbian.

Up On Blocks Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

Wallace and Gromit Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

Wynona Ryder Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e. g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen"

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The Ladies

The scene: a pub in the outback.

A cobber strolls in through the bat wing doors, greets the barman Harry and takes a seat at the bar. Harry says G'day, and gives him an Emu lager.

Later, another cobber comes in, says "G'day" sits at the bar and orders an Emu. They sit there quietly supping Harry polishes the glasses, the flies buzz contentedly.

A third cobber enters, says "G'day" sits at the bar, orders an Emu. They drink. Later, a rather haggard looking swagman comes in, says "G'day", sits at the bar, orders an Emu, they all consume gently.

After a while the Swagman stands up, goes to the middle of the pub where there is a half of a 44 gallon drum. He hauls out his willy, and proceeds to piddle into it. The barman sees this, shakes his head in disgust, reaches under the bar for his shotgun and blows the Swagman away!

One of the cobbers says "Jeez Harry, wasn't that a bit harsh?"

Harry says" If I told that bastard once, I told him a hundred times, not to use the Ladies!"

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Beer Drinker's Troubleshooting Guide

Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; beer is unusually pale and clear.

Fault: Glass empty

Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction; front of your shirt is wet

Fault: Mouth not open when drinking OR glass applied to wrong part of face

Action: Buy another beer and practise in front of mirror; drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique!

Symptom: Feet cold and wet

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle

Action: Turn glass other way so that open end points towards ceiling!

Symptom: Feet warm and wet

Fault: Improper bladder control

Action: Go and stand next to nearest dog; after a while, complain loudly to owner about lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation!

Symptom: Floor blurred

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass

Action: Find someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Floor swaying

Fault: Excessive air turbulence, probably due to air-hockey game in progress in bar

Action: Insert broomhandle down back of shirt.

Symptom: Floor moving

Fault: You are being carried out.

Action: Find out if you are simply being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strips!

Fault: You have fallen over backwards

Action: If your glass is full - and no one is standing on your drinking arm - stay put and carry on. If not, get someone to help you up; attach self to bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim; your mouth is full of cigarette butts

Fault: You have fallen forwards

Action: See above

Symptom: Everything has gone dark

Fault: The pub is closed

Action: Panic!!!

Symptom: You awaken to find your bed cold, hard and wet; you can not see anything in your bedroom.

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter

Action: Check your watch to see if the pubs are open yet; if not, treat yourself to a sleep-in!

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