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Holiday Party


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Holiday Party

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO Everyone

RE Christmas Party

DATE December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on

December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.

No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional

carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up

dressed as Santa Claus!


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE December 2

RE Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We

recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with

Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party".


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE December 7

RE Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim

holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight

hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this

time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps

Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party...the days

are so short this time of year...or else package everything for take-home in

little foil swans.


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE December 8

RE Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice... Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit

the burning of sage by our earth-based, Goddess-worshipping employees, but

we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's



FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

Date December 9

RE Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like

Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan", there is

no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit". It's a tradition,

folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving

turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?


FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE December 10

RE Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party

at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly

at the table farthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and

you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know,

tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them...I've heard

them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now...!


FROM Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE December 14

RE Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her

stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the

sanatarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday

party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!

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