A Couple of Good Ones

[TalonRider]

A PASTOR visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.  THE PASTOR visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking, but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."

"They don’t like that in heaven, The Pastor said.

The woman replied, "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!" 

 

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

 So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there' - and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

 She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

 The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

 The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.’

 After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

 He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be:

I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche-Turbo in my several garages;

I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas.

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches.

Just send the wine back.’