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The Talon House

BeaStKid

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Everything posted by BeaStKid

  1. An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be out done the wife rips another one and say, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says,"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses
  2. Celebrating 60 years of Freedom!! Here's to the World's Largest Democracy..... With Love and Regards The BeaStKid JAI HIND!!!
  3. Celebrating 60 years of Freedom!! Here's to the World's Largest Democracy..... With Love and Regards The BeaStKid JAI HIND!!!
  4. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:... -- What was I thinking?" "Congratulations on your wedding day!... -- Too bad no one likes your wife." "How could two people as beautiful as you.... -- have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love... -- After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life... -- I never believed in Hell until I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... -- that you're not here to ruin it for me." "As you grow older, Mum, I
  5. An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.' The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter says, "W
  6. Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because
  7. A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more
  8. A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed hi
  9. NICKNAMES If Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Pin-Head and Useless. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22,50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman
  10. 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****." 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 8. You're counting down the days until menopause. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you cr
  11. Once little Tommy was going to school by bus. He was sitting in the seat behind the driver. Little Tommy kept jumping up and down screaming at the top of his voice---> "If my mother had been a lioness and my father a lion....I would have been a lion cub!! Yaay!!" "If my mother had been a vixen and my father a fox....I would have been a fox's cub!! Yaay!!" "If my mother had been a cow and my father a cow too....I would have been a calf!! Yaay!!" "If my mother had been a mare and my father a horse....I would have been a baby horse!! Yaay!!" "If my mother had been a donkey and my father a
  12. A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her five year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with y
  13. Big Boss Man When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the a**hole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the a**hole being the Boss. So the a**hole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to wor
  14. Yep, we're having a heat wave here in the Pacific Northwest, so folks are taking advantage of the rare opportunity to catch a few rays, including these sunbathing beauties: and these too--
  15. Snotty Receptionist An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then disc
  16. After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization" , a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it. Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?" Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!" Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. " Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?" Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal,
  17. What dating was like in 1956. It's the summer of 1956 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this com
  18. The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm while mating, but only 10% enters the female. And you wondered why the sea water tasted so f**king salty!!!
  19. Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!" "Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when t
  20. Alpha and Omega By: BeaStKid Chapter 6: Pondera Custodis. "Do not cry my child, for your days of suffering are over," the mysterious person said. "Huh?" Ryan said in a confused state. "Do not be afraid of me, for I mean no harm," the man said as he could see that Ryan was about to bolt away. "What is it that you want from me? Who are you? I've never seen you around. Hell, I can't see you right now due to that light!" Ryan asked. The man chuckled to himself. 'The way these kids use that word these days.' "The question is
  21. Company Policy: Effective from August 2007 Dress Code It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as
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