Forgot your password?
in Welcome Mat
Posted December 25, 2020
Happy Holidays Everyone.
in Joke Of The Day
Posted September 10, 2020
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse - then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Posted May 15, 2020
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman.
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
The girl, delighted at finding work so quickly, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her she could find paint brushes and everything else she would need in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, remarked to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house? Maybe some of those dumb blonde jokes make sense."
He replied, "You're might be right. But she set the price. I just went along with it."
In a surprisingly short time, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“Oh, and, by the way," the teenager said, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
in The Scrolls of Icaria
Posted February 10, 2020
I've not heard anything from Jamie in several years now. One could assume, and you know what they say about assume, that the story has been abandoned. As one of his beta readers, I've seen three of the interludes and the first chapter of Book 2, Part 4.
Posted November 29, 2019
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
OLD' IS WHEN...
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.
You are not sure these are jokes
Posted September 4, 2019
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's room-mate was. She had long been suspicious of John's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the room-mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mike and I are just room-mates."
About a week later, Mike came to John and said "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Mike, and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with Mike. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum."
Posted September 2, 2019
If the person who coined the name Walkie Talkie got to name everything, we would have:
Stamps: Lickie Stickie
Defibrillators: Heartie Startie
Bumblebees: Fuzzie Buzzie
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Bra: Breastie Nestie
Fork: Stabbie Grabbie
Socks: Feetie Heatie
Hippo: Floatie Bloatie
Nightmare: Screamie Dreamie
Posted August 12, 2019
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman
for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring
a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the doctor was looking through these his eyes
grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night.""Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing
in these that could possibly help you sleep!"She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee
and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning,
I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice
that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe
me it definitely helps me sleep at night."You gotta love Grandmas!
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business
when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed
her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on
sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man
next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding,
so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this
nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man
blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was
supposed to get off four stops ago!"
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking
their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name
seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question
was worth 70 points or none at all. One student
was hard put to think of seven advantages He wrote:1) It is perfect formula for the child.2) It provides immunity against several diseases.3) It is always the right temperature.4) It is inexpensive.5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.6) It is always available as neededAnd then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation,
just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he
wrote:7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high
enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.He got an A+.
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi
in Detroit . It was raining and all the prostitutes were
standing under awnings."Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?""They're waiting for their husbands to get off work,"
she repliedThe taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady,
why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers,
boy! They have sex with men for money."The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that
true Mom?"His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those
women have babies, what happens to them?"She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told
a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a
long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder
on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously
and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14
children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five
great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot HOLE where the
crematorium used to be.
Every week, Manny entered the state lottery hoping to win; he never did.
Finally, he prayed vigorously and, hoping for God's message,
He walked around the local fairground.
A flash of lightning struck as he was passing by Nadine's carnival stall.
She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties.
He could see the number 7 tattooed on each of her butt cheeks.
He bet on 77, as he thought God had given him a sign.
Sadly, He lost again.
The winning number was 707.
Moral of the story: Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life.
Posted April 27, 2019
My wife and I went to the Royal Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said...
"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week."
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW that's almost 3 times a week! You could learn a lot from him."
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery
Posted April 4, 2019
In a convent in Ireland, old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying. The nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader. "Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us." She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "Do not sell that cow!"
Posted January 17, 2019
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What's up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid...
Husband: Well you don't remember, do you??? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said: "
Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. " So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.”
Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.
An Irishman's first drink with his son!
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories
came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?
He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast Ireland's finest whisky.
He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teats, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
__________________________ ______________________________ __
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said.
'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
My Mother wanted me to be a priest.
Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
Posted August 29, 2018
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction! The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say, 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian and, as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The man was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3! "Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and threw off her clothes. Then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Posted August 17, 2018
(some of the jokes that old, also)
I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re seventy..............who cares?
I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but...
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
"Count your life by smiles, not tears, count your age by friends, not years, and remember
We do not quit playing because we grow old.... We grow old because we quit playing"
Posted July 30, 2018
A PASTOR visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best. THE PASTOR visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking, but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."
"They don’t like that in heaven, The Pastor said.
The woman replied, "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!"
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there' - and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.’
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be:
I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche-Turbo in my several garages;
I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas.
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches.
Just send the wine back.’
Posted May 6, 2018
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the
sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside
plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in The Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death girl, I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!
Posted March 25, 2018
To whoever put the reflective eyes on this tree by the side of the roadYou, fine Sir, are an asshole A genius but an asshole
Posted February 3, 2018
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse to the patient,"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life.. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied. She ran out of the room.
Posted December 25, 2017
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE.
Posted December 21, 2017
Elderly couple in church celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary. In the middle of the service the woman takes out a pen and paper from her bag and writes. Just did a silent fart what should I do.
The man writes back, buy a new battery for your hearing aid .
Posted September 22, 2017
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress; and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. . .
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me in a black leather bodice, tall stilettoes and a mask.
When he saw me he said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat. Under it only the black bra, heels and the mask
over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
you’re going to love this . . . . ..
"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
Posted August 15, 2017
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,
went to the local church for confession in 1960.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from
our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from
the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However,
if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Posted July 31, 2017
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back
and inform the other of the sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to
Posted June 29, 2017
Hey stranger. Glad to see you're still around.
Posted June 22, 2017
An engineer dies . . . and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.
The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"