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The Talon House

Standardized Baseball Guide To Sex


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Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking

about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, so and so went behind the

gym and they got to second base!"

Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the

shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as

you got older. What's a person to do?

Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But

let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex-play. So, in the

interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern

romance and with standardizing the bases, we present: the Standardized Guide to the


First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:

FIRST BASE - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant

holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

SECOND BASE - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the

clothes genital contact.

THIRD BASE - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

HOME RUN - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when

you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what

happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex?

And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling

questions and present without further ado:

John DeBella's Standardized Baseball Guide to Sex


On Deck - Having plans for a date

Strike-Out - Duh!! (No Date)

Walk - Kissing / No Tongues

Single - Tongue kissing

Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels.

Triple - Most of the clothes off, possible genital contact, mutual masturbation.

Home Run - SEX!

Bunt - Masturbation

Foul tip - VD

Three up and three down - impotency.

Inside the park home run - Oral Sex.

Pre-Game Warm-up - Fore-play.

Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom.

Balk - Premature ejaculation.

Error - Condom breaks during sex.

Double Play - Having two partners at the same time.

Loaded Bases - manage a trois.

Ground Out - Moving for first base but partner says.... "Not on a first date."

Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom.

Score Card - Number of times you orgasm vs. number of times partner


Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours.


Pine Tar - Synthetic Lubrication

Relief pitcher - Vibrator

Pinch Runner - Tag-team sex with your roommate

Fast ball - Three strokes DONE!

In a pickle - Getting caught cheating on a partner

Getting the signals crossed - Moving in for the home run and ending up with a

strike out.

Box Seats - Waterbed

Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions

Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly.

Stranding the runner - You orgasm, your partner doesn't.


Spectator - Peeping Tom

Forfeit - Date stands you up

Out of play - That time of the month

Cleared the bases - Changed the sheets

Bleacher Seats - Roommate's perspective while you are going at it

Suspended - Partner says they need some time alone

Being Traded - Being dumped for someone else

Free Agent - Recently dumped, currently unattached

Disabled list - Done it so much you can't stand

Ejected from game - Partner throws you off during rodeo sex


Rookie - Virgin

Veteran - Prostitute

Talent Agent - Pimp

Scout - Someone scoping out your partner on a date

Minor Leagues - Under 18

All Stars Game - Doing it with your X while still going out with your present

Switch Hitter - Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.

Hall of Fame - When you ask if "Was it good for you" and they say "YES!!!"

Now that we have the definitions, let's quickly contrast the old confusion with current


OLD WAY - We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like past third base, but

not to home plate. I really like her...

NEW WAY - First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and started

thinking, it's Hall of Fame time!

NEW WAY - So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during

the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.

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