TalonRider Posted September 2, 2004 Report Posted September 2, 2004 Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, so and so went behind the gym and they got to second base!" Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex-play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present: the Standardized Guide to the Bases. First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days: FIRST BASE - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not. SECOND BASE - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact. THIRD BASE - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner. HOME RUN - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases. Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado: John DeBella's Standardized Baseball Guide to Sex (THE BASICS) On Deck - Having plans for a date Strike-Out - Duh!! (No Date) Walk - Kissing / No Tongues Single - Tongue kissing Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels. Triple - Most of the clothes off, possible genital contact, mutual masturbation. Home Run - SEX! Bunt - Masturbation Foul tip - VD Three up and three down - impotency. Inside the park home run - Oral Sex. Pre-Game Warm-up - Fore-play. Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom. Balk - Premature ejaculation. Error - Condom breaks during sex. Double Play - Having two partners at the same time. Loaded Bases - manage a trois. Ground Out - Moving for first base but partner says.... "Not on a first date." Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom. Score Card - Number of times you orgasm vs. number of times partner orgasms. Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours. (FIELD TERMS) Pine Tar - Synthetic Lubrication Relief pitcher - Vibrator Pinch Runner - Tag-team sex with your roommate Fast ball - Three strokes DONE! In a pickle - Getting caught cheating on a partner Getting the signals crossed - Moving in for the home run and ending up with a strike out. Box Seats - Waterbed Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly. Stranding the runner - You orgasm, your partner doesn't. (LEAGUE TERMS) Spectator - Peeping Tom Forfeit - Date stands you up Out of play - That time of the month Cleared the bases - Changed the sheets Bleacher Seats - Roommate's perspective while you are going at it Suspended - Partner says they need some time alone Being Traded - Being dumped for someone else Free Agent - Recently dumped, currently unattached Disabled list - Done it so much you can't stand Ejected from game - Partner throws you off during rodeo sex (THE PLAYERS) Rookie - Virgin Veteran - Prostitute Talent Agent - Pimp Scout - Someone scoping out your partner on a date Minor Leagues - Under 18 All Stars Game - Doing it with your X while still going out with your present Switch Hitter - Sex with her one night, and her brother the next. Hall of Fame - When you ask if "Was it good for you" and they say "YES!!!" Now that we have the definitions, let's quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity: OLD WAY - We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her... NEW WAY - First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and started thinking, it's Hall of Fame time! NEW WAY - So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher. Quote
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