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The Talon House



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In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone

who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take

it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that

I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered

nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak

to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I

couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down

Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the

last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still

laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same

person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and

hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and

put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was

paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would

answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This

was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling

the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and

heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone

company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our

new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the

receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because

you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show

you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do

something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time

pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever

going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly

and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her

plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of

a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in

the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking

my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here


The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked

toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to

myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses

in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back

window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for

another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten

off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a

jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his

number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the

guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a

couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you

the man with the black Camaro for sale?"


"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and

the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"


"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I

had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this

wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and

came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely

and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro

is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your


"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.

I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going

to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call

to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th

Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th

Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in

front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it

off the evening news!

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