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The Talon House

"True" Stories of Stupid People


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"True" Stories of Stupid People

It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America,

walked into the branch and wrote, "This iz a stikkup. Put all

your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give

his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen

him write the note and might call the police before he reached

the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed

the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line,

he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,

surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest

light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his

stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America

deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells

Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking

somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo

teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes

later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

45-year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after

a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were

packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had

brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police,

Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic

would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I.,

after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing

the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained

$800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a

stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped

him from behind.

Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March

in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a

warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant

because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.

Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same

jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could

see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket

and laughed so hard he required a five- minute recess to compose


Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El

Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be

released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240

pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They

misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery

of a convenience store in a district court this week when he

fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said

Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the

store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton

jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should

of blown your f**king head off." The defendant paused, then

quickly added, " - if I'd been the one that was there." The jury

took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year


R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were

showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a

Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the

officer's asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave

them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer,

and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on

the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed

robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man

grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and

the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the

snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the

snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.

The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there

for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's

her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd

Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a

fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a

cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same

thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st

Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone

else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the

recipient would open it and read it."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should

have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I

can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant

convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I

dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this

remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to

me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,

"Why don't you drive over there and check about the

batteries...it's a long walk."

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to

change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the

call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she

interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but

what state is it in?"

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home

was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire

need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an

extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He

told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in

back to make a sandwich.

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