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The Talon House

Merry Christmas Ya'll,


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Merry Christmas Ya'll,

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able

to serve the Southern United States area on Christmas Eve. Due to the

overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated

by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain

areas of Ohio and West Virginia. I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my local

replacement, my third cousin from the South Pole, Bubba Claus. He shares my

goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few

differences between us, such as:

There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He

has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys

insured by Smith and Wesson."

Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC

cola and pork rinds on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He

does dip a little snuff, though, so please have an empty coke can handy.

Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of

reindeer. I loaned him my reindeer one time, and Rudolph's head now rests

over Bubba's fireplace.

You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba

Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin

and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

"Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yeehaw!" And you also are likely to hear

Bubba's elves respond, "I heard that!"

As required by the local highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a decal

depicting "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip character Calvin relieving himself

... but not on a Ford or Chevy logo. His decal shows Calvin going wee wee on

the Tooth Fairy.

The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and

"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your area. Instead, you'll see

"Ernest Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt

Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each


Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd turn the other way when

he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis' "Here Comes

Santa Claus" and Bing Crosby's of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." Until

this year, songs about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio

stations in Mississippi. They include such classics as Mark Chesnutt's

"Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas

Is Shania Twain"; David Allan Coe's "Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me";

and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My


Sincerely Yours,


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