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The Talon House



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One fine day, a guy called Joe, that’s not his real name, but never mind it’ll do, is walking along the beach. Now Joe is really down and out, he has lost his job, his wife has divorced him getting the house and custody of his dog in the process. However Joe is not disheartened, he is one of life’s little optimists and he reckons that, since he has must now have reached the nadir of his life, the only way is up!

He notices something half buried in the sand, so he stops, bends down and retrieves it. To his astonishment and delight he discovers that it is an ancient oil lamp. ‘This ought to be worth a bob or two,’ he thinks and polishes it against his sleeve to see if he can ascertain from which metal it is made.

Suddenly there is a puff of pink smoke and a seriously pink genie appears. Yes, I know that most genies are blue or green, but this is a pink one.

“OK matey,” says the genie, pink genies are notoriously disrespectful, “despite what you might have heard, you get just one wish! So think carefully and make it a good one.”

Joe thinks very carefully and says, “I wish that I was lucky.”

“Well!” says the genie. “In all my long life, that is the wisest wish that I have ever heard!”

Now given the well known longevity of pink genies, it must really have been an impressive wish.

“So, let it be!” commands the genie, just before he is enveloped in a cloud of pink smoke which promptly retreats into the lamp, which in turn disappears, just like that!

Perplexed, Joe continues his wandering down the sand and then he notices that sticking out of the sand is a 20 pound note! He instantly grabs it and heads for the promenade. There he finds a betting shop and he looks at the odds on the horses for the next race. One name catches his eye, “Lucky Jim”. So he puts the 20 pounds on the horse which promptly wins at 10 to 1.

As it is a while since his wife divorced him, and even longer since he got his leg over, Joe now heads for the local brothel. (Yes, Joe is straight, not really his fault, he had a dominant father and these things happen.) Just as he enters the establishment, music starts playing, the lights go up, balloons fall from the ceiling and everyone cheers.

The madam steps forwards and explains, “You sir, are our 10,000 customer and to celebrate this momentous occasion, you can have any girl that you wish, for free!”

Joe is of course delighted and asks, “Do you have a girl from India? Because I have always fancied one of them.”

“You are lucky,” said the madam, “our best girl is Indian and she will be glad to entertain you.”

Now given the nature of the medium that we are currently using to communicate, I will not go into the exact detail of the next twenty minutes or so of Joe’s life, other than to mention that it was very energetic and he enjoyed himself immensely.

So we next find the pair, lying on the bed, sweating and breathing heavily. Eventually, when Joe gets his wind back he turns to his companion and says, “What is that red spot on your forehead?”

“It is my cast mark.” she says. “Why, don’t you like it?”

“No, not really. I think it distracts from your beauty,” replies Joe.

“Well, just scratch it off then,” she says.

So, Joe reached over and carefully scratches at the spot with his fingernail. Suddenly he bursts out laughing.

“What’s the matter?” she asks.

“You won’t believe this,” says Joe, “but, I’ve just won a car!”

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