movieguy

A furious pounding in a hotel room in the middle of the night awakened a number of guests. The hotel manager went to the room, and when his knocks went unanswered, he let himself in. He found an elderly man cursing and banging on the wall with both fists.

"Stop that immediately, sir!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing everyone in the hotel."

"Damn the hotel and everyone in it!" the elderly man hollered. "I just got an erection!"

"Okay," said the hotel manager, "but why must you bang your fists against the wall?"

"Because it's the first erection I've had in years and both of my hands are asleep!"

An old geezer in an old people's home takes a fancy to a woman who is also staying there. One day he plucks up the courage to go and talk to her and after a while he says he would like to make love to her. She agrees that when everybody else goes on a day trip they both stay behind at the home and get down to it.

The old man goes to the woman's room and asks her how she likes to be made love to. She tells him that she loves a man to go down on her and asks him if he would mind. He says he would love to do that for her and goes for it.

After about 30 secs he comes back up and says that he is sorry but it just smells too bad down there. She thinks for a minute and tells him that it must be the arthritis. He looks and her confused and states that surely you can't get arthritis down there and even if you could it wouldn't cause that smell.

She says "No it's the arthritis in my shoulder, I can't wipe my as* properly!"

Hi and welcome jcdrycourt

Physicist invents new calendar

A US physicist has come up with a new calendar in which every date falls on the same day of the week each year.

The current calendar runs for 365 days which does not divide by seven so dates fall on differents days each year.

Dick Henry, a physicist in Baltimore, Maryland, designed a calendar that uses 364 days, which breaks down evenly into 52 weeks, reports New Scientist.

In his so called Calendar-and-Time plan, March, June, September, and December each contain 31 days, while the other months all get 30.

Christmas Day always falls on a Sunday - but people born on extinct dates such as January 31 would lose their birthdays.

To keep the calendar in synchronisation with the seasons, Henry added an extra week - which is not part of any month - every five or six years.

He named the addition Newton Week in honour of his favourite physicist, Isaac Newton.

"I think such a calendar would be extremely useful," says Owen Gingerich, an astronomer and historian of science at Harvard University.

He said the world was slow to adopt the Gregorian calendar. England did not switch to the system until 1752, nearly 200 years after Rome began using it.

www.ananova.com

Johnny and the old man

Little Johnny was walking down the road one

day and an old man was sitting on his front porch

rocking back and forth in his rocking chair.

The old man said, 'Whatcha got there, son?'

Johnny said, 'Got me some chicken wire.'

'Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire, son?'

asked the old man.

'Gonna catch me some chickens,' said Johnny.

'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire,'

said the oldster.

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked

on down the street.

About half an hour later, Johnny came back

passing the old man's front porch with three

chickens entangled in the chicken wire. The old

man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes.

A little later Johnny passed the old man's

porch. 'Whatcha got now, son?'

'Got me some duct tape.'

'And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?'

the old man asked.

'Gonna catch me some ducks.'

'You can't catch ducks with duct tape,' said

the old man. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders

and kept on walking.

About half an hour later, back comes Johnny

with three ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again,

the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.

Half an hour later, Johnny was again passing

the old man's porch.

'Whatcha got now, son?' asked the old codger.

'Got me some pussy willow.'

The old man said, 'Wait right there while I

get my shoes!'

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends

encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my

mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all

beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and

made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the

invitations.

So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that

soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she

can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter,

she wants to make love to me just once..

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she

said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get

me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood

there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door...

I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing

outside,

and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and

pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a

better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Worth Repeating

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower

than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster

than you is a moron. - George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother,

she started walking five miles a day when she

was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where

the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No

pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer

I would love to speak a foreign language but

I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.

- Sue Kolinsky

The reason most people play golf is to wear

clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

- Roger Simon

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers

of 25-watt bulbs in business. - Shelley Berman

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze

pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison

If law school is so hard to get through, how

come there are so many lawyers? - Calvin Trillin

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches.

I wish I could. It's like having a little pet

for your face. - Anita Wise

I think men who have a pierced ear are better

prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain

and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together

without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken

place. - Johnny Carson

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie"

until you can find a rock. -Will Rogers

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching

television by candlelight. - George Gobel

Top 10 Things in Law that Sound Dirty But Aren't

1. Have you looked through her briefs?

2. He's one hard judge!

3. Counselor, let's do it in chambers!

4. His attorney withdrew at the last minute!

5. Is it a penal offense?

6. Better leave the handcuffs on

7. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

8. Can you get him to drop his suit?

9. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could!

10. Think you can get me off

The Cukoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night

with the guys. I told my wife that I would be

home by midnight... "promise!"

Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer

was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as

a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock

in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so

I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud

of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution,

even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time

I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't

seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one,

I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo

clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well,

last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh

f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,

cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice

more.... then farted."

The Bitter Soldier

The soldier serving in eastern Asia was annoyed

and upset when his girl sent him a "Dear John"

letter, breaking off their engagement and asking

for her photograph back.

The serviceman went out and collected from

his friends all the unwanted photographs of women

that he could find. Then he bundled them all

together and sent them back to the girl with

a note saying: "Regret cannot remember which

one is you - please keep your photo and return

the others."

Working with Buddy

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch

in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer

came to help with his big strong horse named

Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled,

"Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"

Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco,

pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy,

pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out

of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very

curious. He asked the farmer why he called his

horse by the wrong name three times.

"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he

was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

A Smart Drunk

Xposed, December 2004

By AP Staff

BUCKINGHAM, Pa.

A man is accused of using an air compressor to defeat an ignition interlock device.

Michael Simo, 41, had the device installed in his car after being convicted of multiple drunken driving offenses. Drivers are supposed to exhale into the device, and if it detects enough alcohol on the breath, the car won't start. Police said Simo used an air compressor to make it seem like he was breathing into the device.

Brian Raab, 39, of Buckingham, who also has a history of DUI offenses, was driving Simo's car when an officer found the two at a parking lot near Raab's home.

"I've never heard of somebody doing something like that before," Sgt. J.R. Landis of Buckingham police said. "These types of (devices) can be defeated. It's just a question of how far people are willing to go."

Raab declined to comment; Simo does not have a listed phone number.

www.xposed.com

Kayden 2 Chapter 6 - Rising Storm by Ryan Keith

is now up

http://excoboard.com/exco/index.php?boardid=5252

http://www.themailcrew.com/kayden.html

A man was coming home from work one evening when he passed a tattoo and piercing studio. He then had a spontanous idea. He walked in and asked the man to tattoo 'I love you' on to his dick. After the few minutes of pain it was done.

When the man returened home the first thing he did was show his wife. She replied: "Dear, why are you always trying to put words in my mouth?"

A man is sitting next to a woman on a plane. Turns out she's a drop-dead-gorgeous blonde! When they reached 27,000 ft. the plane leveled out and woman sneezed.

This would have been perfectly normal but for the fact that after she sneezed she shuddered violently. About five minutes later she sneezed and once again shuddered violently. Five minutes later she sneezed and shuddered yet again.

Finally the man had, had all he could take and his curiousity got the better of him.

"Are you O.K." He asked

"Yes," said the woman "I'm fine, why?"

"It's just that three times you've sneezed and three times you've shuddered violently almost immediatly afterwards."

"Oh, I'm sorry," said the woman "It's just that I've got this rare condition, every time I sneeze I orgasm"

"Oh really," said the man and being a keen follower of medical science asked "What are you taking for it."

"Pepper," answered the woman.

A teacher was taking his class of 12 year olds, and he asks them "Can anyone tell me what part of the body increases to 10 times it's normal size when stimulated?"

There is silence from the class, so he asks the question again. One little girl called Mary stands up and says "You shouldn't be asking questions like that to your class. I think it's very horrible and I'm telling my parents who will tell the head master and he will have you fired!"

The teacher ignores her out burst and carries on, "Can anyone tell me the answer?"

One boy, timmy, raises his hand and says "the part of the body that increases to 10 times it size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

"Very good Timmy" the teacher replies. He then turns to Mary and says "I only have three things to say to you young lady. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, if you did your homework you would have known the answer, and Three, one day you're going to be very very dissapointed."

News of the Weird

WEEK OF JANUARY 2, 2005

LEAD STORY

# Some well-off taxpayers in Washington, D.C., are picking up an easy $30,000 or so from the U.S. Treasury, courtesy of a 1976 "historic preservation" tax code deduction, according to a December Washington Post investigation. About 900 properties qualify, and owners get the deduction merely by forgoing the right to alter the building's facade (which D.C. law restricts, anyway). Giving up this "right" "earns" them an 11 percent tax deduction, and the average value of qualified buildings (according to the Post) is $1 million (historic facades are not often found on downscale homes), meaning that a claimant in the middle tax bracket would get about $30,000. [Washington Post, 12-12-04]

Scenes of the Surreal

(1) In November, the mind reader, The Amazing Kreskin, wrote to the acting governor of his home state of New Jersey that he wanted to help the state shed its image of unethical deals and thus volunteered to sit in government meetings and identify which officials are secretly up to no good. (2) Stephen J. Marks, 47, was driving in morning traffic on Nov. 3 near Nashville, Tenn., wearing a ski mask and gloves, though the temperature was in the 60s, and an alarmed citizen called police. However, Marks demonstrated that he has a medical condition that necessitates his wearing a ski mask except when the temperature is above 80. [Associated Press, 11-19-04] [Green Hills News, 11-4-04]

No Longer Weird

Adding to the list of stories that were formerly weird but which now occur with such frequency that they must be retired from circulation: (71) The dedicated or sanctimonious drunk-driving counselor or prosecutor who himself gets ticketed or arrested for drunk-driving, such as the aggressive supervising DUI prosecutor Lydia Wardell of Clearwater, Fla. (November). (72) Anyone who advertises goods (now limited only by the imagination) on Internet auction houses, such as Chris Doyle of Sydney, Australia, who, inspired by the recent $28,000 sale of a 10-year-old grilled-cheese sandwich with toast marks resembling a visage of the Virgin Mary, listed a grain of unnamed breakfast cereal that resembles the movie alien E.T. (and was offered about US$800) (November). [Tampa Tribune, 11-13-04] [Associated Press, 11-30-04]

Cutting-Edge Action on Prostate Cancer

Doctors at the Ballarat-Austin Radiation Oncology Centre in Australia have begun inserting three rice-sized grains of 24-karat gold against patients' prostates. The pellets (cost: about US$300 each) graft permanently onto the gland and help doctors aim the radiation with more precision. And in December, in Vancouver, British Columbia, local TV stations said they were reluctant to air a public service announcement provided by the Prostate Center at Vancouver General Hospital because it featured a prostate-examining doctor reaching inside his patient and pulling out a ticking time bomb (to dramatize the urgency for men to be examined). [Daily Telegraph (Sydney), 11-25-04] [Canadian Broadcasting Corporation News, 12-7-04]

Questionable Judgments

Citing a police press release, the German news organization Deutsche Welle (DW-World) reported in November that the reason that motorist Julia Bauer of Bochum, Germany, lost control and smashed into a parked car and a lamppost was that she was preparing cereal and milk on the passenger seat while driving to work and tried to catch her bowl as it was falling to the floor. The cost of her breakfast (in damages) turned out to be about US$27,000. [DW-World, 11-5-04]

Cultural Diversity

# Sex-despondency among women is apparently such a problem in Japan that business is booming for counselor Kim Myong Gan's 4-year-old company of trained male professionals who invigorate them, according to a November Agence France-Presse dispatch from Tokyo. Kim charges the equivalent of US$190 for the initial consultation and scheduling, and his men provide hands-on assurance to the clients of their attractiveness and desirability. Most clients are either middle-aged virgins or wives whose husbands have grown to treat them as their sisters. [Manila Times-Agence France-Presse, 11-8-04]

# Zimbabwe, facing a severe food shortage, is considering an unlikely program to bring rich foreign visitors to the country, according to a government announcement in November. The information minister proposed an "obesity tourism strategy," in which overweight visitors (especially Americans) would be encouraged to "vacation" in Zimbabwe and "provide labor for (government-confiscated) farms in the hope of shedding weight." Americans, the proposal noted, spend $6 billion a year on "useless" dieting aids and could be encouraged to work off pounds and then flaunt "their slim bodies on a sun-downer cruise on the Zambezi (River)." [sunday Times (London), 11-28-04]

Latest Religious Messages

In November, a Hindu seer in India's Orissa state drew large crowds, inspired by his calmness in the face of his announced, spiritually induced death, which was to come before noon on Nov. 17. At noon, however, he was still alive, and, according to Asian Age newspaper, the crowd of 15,000 suddenly turned ugly, berating him for not dying, and police had to intervene. The man, who is chief cleric of Srignuru Ashram, told reporters, "I wanted to leave my mortal body, but I could not. Please forgive me." [Agence France-Presse, 11-19-04]

People With Issues

Mr. Mount Lee Lacy, 21, was arrested for animal cruelty after his girlfriend's mother sent police to his apartment in Gainesville, Fla. Lacy's aggressive mastiff kept the officers at bay momentarily, but once inside, police noticed another dog, a Jack Russell terrier, that had a bloody paw, and eventually Lacy cheerfully told them that he routinely bit the dog. According to a police sergeant: "(Lacy) said that biting the dog was good punishment and that's how you train them, that dogs bite (and) so that's what they understand." [Gainesville Sun, 12-14-04]

Least Competent Criminals

Criminals who accidentally leave identification at the scene of the crime are (according to News of the Weird) "no longer weird," but it was nevertheless remarkable that on the night of Nov. 4, in Rapid City, S.D., two burglary suspects, in separate incidents, left ID behind. Both of them, Daniel P. Ader, 25, and Brian W. Crawford, 26, had apparently removed their pants, for different reasons, leaving their wallets. (Evidence suggested that the reason Crawford had removed his pants, after breaking into a law office, was to photocopy his genitals on the office copy machine.) [Rapid City Journal, 11-9-04]

Recurring Themes

As senior citizens resist the idea of age-specific driver testing, accidents continue in which police suspect the cause was an elderly driver who momentarily confused the gas pedal for the brake. Recent examples: 90-year-old man, crashed into a pharmacy, Scarborough, Maine, November; 83-year-old driver, drove off the second floor of a parking deck, Las Vegas, October; 80-year-old driver, smashed into a Veterans Day parade (one death), Whitman, Mass., November; 74-year-old man, crashed into a coffee shop, Corvallis, Ore., December; 74-year-old man, mowed down pedestrians on a sidewalk (two deaths), Montreal, Quebec, November. And in the most prominent case, George Weller, 87, heads back to court in January, having pleaded not guilty to vehicular manslaughter in the 2003 Santa Monica, Calif., farmer's market "massacre" in which 10 people were killed and 63 injured when Weller couldn't find the brakes for 1,000 feet at 60 mph. [Portland Press Herald, 11-12-04] [Las Vegas Review-Journal, 10-26-04] [boston Globe, 11-12-04] [Associated Press, 12-3-04] [Canadian Broadcasting Corporation News, 11-13-04] [New York Times, 11-5-04]

Readers' Choice

After Billy W. Williams, 53, skipped out during his trial for aggravated assault in 2003 in Dallas, he was found guilty in absentia, but Judge Faith Johnson apparently was not quite satisfied. When Williams was recaptured and returned to her courtroom in October 2004 for sentencing, Johnson organized a "party" in his "honor," with balloons, streamers and a cake, to create a festive backdrop for her gleeful announcement that she was sentencing him to a life term. [CNN-AP, 10-26-04]

Police Blotter

William Glenn Barefoot, 40, escaped from jail in Fayetteville, N.C., in October and soon after that called his brother John to report that he hadn't eaten since the escape and that he was cold, in part because he had had to break out quickly and had not had a chance to grab his shoes. (He was recaptured a few days later.) And from the University of Minnesota's Minnesota Daily, 12-2-04: "On Tuesday, University police took a report from a man (whose complaint was) that the word 'loser' was written in the dirt on his car's rear bumper." [Greensboro News-Record-AP, 11-1-04, 11-19-04] [Minnesota Daily, 12-2-04]

Thanks This Week to Peter Kurland, Michael Bellesiles, Joshua Comenetz, Gilbert Downs, Phil Filipowicz, Loren Coleman, Daylon Walton, Philip Urban, Malcolm Humes, and Michael Bendzick, and to the News of the Weird Senior Advisors (Jenny T. Beatty, Gaal Shepherd Crowl, Paul DiFilippo, Geoffrey Egan, Sam Gaines, Ivan Katz, Barbara McDonald, Matt Mirapaul, Jim Sweeney, and Barbara Tyger); to the News of the Weird Internet News Artists (Dave Beck, John Cieciel, Ginger Katz, Joe Littrell, Victor McDonald, Steve Miller, Paul Music, Kerry O'Conner, Karl Olson, and Bruce Townley); and to the News of the Weird Editorial Advisors (Paul Blumstein, Michael Colpitts, Lance E. Ellisor, Harry Farkas, Leslie Goodman-Malamuth, Fritz Gritzner, Herb Jue, Wolf Kirchmeir, Scott Langill, Myra J. Linden, Bob McCabe, Christopher Nalty, Joel O'Brien, Larry Ellis Reed, Lee Sechrest, Tom Slone, Rob Snyder, Maurine Taylor, H.Thompson, and Jerry Whittle.

(Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679 or WeirdNews@earthlink.net or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com.)

COPYRIGHT 2005 CHUCK SHEPHERD

What a difference 30 years makes:

1972: Long hair

2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high

2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: Acid rock

2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool

2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot

2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems

2002: Roughage

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints

2002: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed

2002: Weed killer

1972: The Grateful Dead

2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint

2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones

2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office

2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system

2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco

2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut

2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Taking acid

2002: Taking antacid

1972: Passing the drivers' test

2002: Passing the vision test

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will

certainly change things.

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together

a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's

incoming first years.

Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation

were born in 1983.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

A woman awakens during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts

on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the

kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep

thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are

you down here at this time of the night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we

were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when

your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?".

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face

and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or i'll send you to jail for 20

years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek

and said,

"I would have gotten out today."