movieguy

Burglar gets stuck in chimney

Firefighters had to knock down a chimney to rescue a burglar who got himself stuck fast.

The intruder had tried to enter a house in Buenos Aires by climbing down the chimney.

Homeowner Gabriela B was surprised in the early hours to hear a voice behind her fireplace, Terra Noticias Populares reports.

A police spokesperson said: "Mrs B said that she got home a bit tipsy and when she heard the voice coming from the chimney she thought for a moment that it was Santa Claus."

The burglar was arrested after being freed from the chimney.

www.ananova.com

Shriveled Lovin''

There was an old couple sitting at a table. The old man said to the old lady, "I remember 50 years ago we were sitting at this very table."

The old woman said, "Yes, and we were probably naked as jay birds."

The old man said, "Well, what do you say..wanna get naked?" So they both stripped.

The old woman said, "You know hunny, my breasts are just as hot for you as they were 50 years ago." a

The old man replied, "I can imagine, one is in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee."

Tales From The Shire

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"

In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

Happy New Year Jan and to All here at The Talon House

NewYear05

Chapter Four: Legacy of The Power Within is now posted

http://www.deweywriter.com/

The Harried Pharmacist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the

door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,

"It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly

this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront

the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he

could say more than a few words, the druggist

told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen

to my side of it...

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so

I was late getting up. I went without breakfast

and hurried out to the car, just to realize that

I locked the house with both house and car keys

inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding

ticket.

Later, about three blocks from the store, I

had a flat tire. When I got to the store there

was a bunch of people waiting for me to open

up. I opened and started waiting on these people,

and all the time the darn phone was ringing off

the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of

nickels against the cash register drawer to make

change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the

nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I

came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,

which made me stagger back against a showcase

with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of

them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with

no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It

was your wife. She wanted to know how to use

a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all

I did was tell her!"

Some Things You Can't Understand

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar

getting hammered. A man came in and asked the

farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this

beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some

things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the

man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting

by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket

'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked

over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer

replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied

it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk

her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she

took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

Man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't

explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it

to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her

again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the

stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer

said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore

rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail

to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell

down and my wife walked in . . .

Some things you just can't explain."

Farmer and Pig

A farmer and his pig were driving down the

road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked

the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the

law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"

The farmer replied, "No, I didn't know that."

The cop asked the farmer where he was going and

he said, "To Memphis".

The cop said, "I will let you off the hook

this time if you promise to take the pig to the

zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised

he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer

with the pig driving down the road and he pulled

him over again. The cop said "I thought I told

you to take this pig to the zoo when you got

to Memphis."

The farmer replied, "I did and we had so much

fun, I taking him to Kings Island now".

The Meteorologist

Although he was a qualified meteorologist,

Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting

for the TV news program. He became something

of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping

a record of his predictions and showed that he'd

been wrong almost three hundred times in a single

year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him

fired.

He moved to another part of the country and

applied for a similar job. One blank on the job

application called for the reason for leaving

his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with

me."

Getting a Day Off

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front

office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy

house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife

needs me to help with the attic and the garage,

moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies.

"I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could

count on you!"

The Mouse

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking

along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat

runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby.

"Now do you see why it's important to learn a

foreign language?"

Lost in the YMCA

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found

himself in the women's locker room. When he was

spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies

grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then

asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever

seen a little boy before?"

Vet Money

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000

in the collection plate. This went on for weeks

until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached

her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that

you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,"

he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week

my son sends me money, and what I don't need

I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how

much does he send you?" "Oh, $20,000 a week."

"Your son is very successful, what does he do

for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession. Where does

he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house in

Las Vegas and another in Reno."

Eye Catching Moment

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought

it was raining and put his head out the window

to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into

his hand. He looked up to see where it came from

in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and

the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and

offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive

he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm

about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you

like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed

a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to

a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous

evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like

this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "only those who catch my

eye."

Hello Ethan and welcome

iant54 to The House

Top 10 Resolutions You Won't Keep This Year (for Nerds)

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I will stop sending email to my roommate.

8. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.

6. When I subscribe to a news group or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.

4. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

3. I resolve to back up my new 2 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

2. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.

1. I won't try to get onto the Netscape web site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.

0. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."

-1. I will read the manual.

-2. I will think of a password other than "password."

-3. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

TalonRider Will be back soon

I know he wish all of you a Happy Holidays and that he miss being

here at the forum

If you are gonna travel be safe and be back here with us soon

so from The Talon House and it Moderate teams have a

Happy Holidays

MerryChristmasSanta :8_2_77[1]: Rudolf1 Grinch PresentsUnderTheTree