ShiningKnight

I'm glad and relieved to finally be able to announce that the exam period for the current semester is over... yay! Funny feeling of not knowing anything right before an exam, same with not even being able to say how it went...

Now I'll be on vacation till 02/28/05 what will give me the time to seriously look for an internship abroad (in the US to be precise)... I might need some help though. unsure

BTW: Registration period for this year's (FY 2006) diversity visa lottery ended on 01/08/05 and I already got the electronic submission certificate. All I can do now is hope that I'll be picked this year... unsure

Joke of January 27, 2005:

A freethinker asked a Christian what he thought about Spinoza's theory that human beings are not ranked higher than animals.

"If it's the way you say," responded the Christian, "tell me why there is no Spinoza in the animal kingdom?"

Joke of January 26, 2005:

At a restaurant:

"Waiter, just give me a little piece of this fish."

"Pardon, sir, this is ham."

"Did I ask you about what it's called, the fish?"

Joke of January 25, 2005:

"Just look at that kid with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?"

"It's a girl. She's my daughter."

"Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father."

"I'm not. I'm her mother."

Joke of January 24, 2005:

Sol and Mort are coming from religious school. Sol wonders whether it is all right to smoke while praying.

Mort replies, "Why don't you ask Rabbi Schwartz?"

So Sol goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?"

"No, my son, you may not," the rabbi says indignantly.

"You asked the wrong question," Mort says and goes to the rabbi.

"Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which Rabbi Schwartz replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Joke of January 22/23, 2005:

An airline recently introduced a special fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates asking how they had enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking "What trip?"

Joke of January 21, 2005:

Caption: "Take me to your leader!"

Joke of January 20, 2005:

"Waiter! What is this?"

"It's bean soup, sir."

"I don't want to know what it's been. I want to know what it is!"

Joke of January 19, 2005:

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized that they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when one of the turtles said, "Oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

Joke of January 18, 2005:

Noticing that just before the football game started the teams gathered together and prayed briefly, a fan, seated next to a priest, asked what he thought would happen if both teams prayed with equal faith and fervour.

"In that event," replied the minister, "I imagine the Lord would simply sit back and enjoy one fine game of football."

Joke of January 17, 2005:

What to say when offered a cigarette at a party:

"No thank you. I only smoke on special occasions."

http://adverts.freeloader.com/zurich/

Post your scores!

(flash game - plug in required)

THE CORRS LYRICS

"Long Night"

It doesn't really matter now you're gone

You never were around that much to speak of

Didn't think that I could live without you, baby

It couldn't be that hard to live alone

But I'm all, all alone again

Thinking you will never say

that you'll be home again

And it's gonna be a long night

And it's gonna be cold without your arms

And I`m gonna get stage fright caught

in the headlights

It's gonna be a long night

And I know I'm gonna lose this fight

Once upon a time we fell in love

And I thought that I would be the only one

But now I'm on, I'm on my own again

Thinking you will never show

you won't be home again

And it's gonna be a long night

And it's gonna be cold without your arms

And I`m gonna get stage fright caught

in the headlights

It's gonna be a long night

And I know I'm gonna lose this fight

Lost in you arms baby

Lost in your arms

Now I'm on my own again

Thinking you will never show

you won't be home again

And it's gonna be a long night

And it's gonna be cold without your arms

And I`m gonna get stage fright caught

in the headlights

It's gonna be a long night

And I know I'm gonna lose this fight

I'm gonna get stage fright caught in the headlights

It's gonna be a long night

And I know I'm gonna lose this fight

I'm lost in your arms baby

Lost in your arms

Words and music by michelle branch

One less call to answer,

Feeling full of despair,

Don’t think I can get through it,

Just one last prayer.

*and it’s a leap of faith,

When you believe there’s someone out there,

It’s a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares, oh,

And when I call out to you,

Will you be right there,

Right there.

Searching for the answer,

Nobody seems to care,

Oh how I wish that you were here,

Beside me,

To wipe away my tears.

*and it’s a leap of faith,

When you believe there’s someone out there,

It’s a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares, oh,

And when I call out to you,

Will you be right there,

Right there.

Waiting for the answer,

Remembering times we would share,

Somehow I feel you here beside me,

Even though your not there.

*and it’s a leap of faith,

When you believe there’s someone out there,

It’s a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares, oh,

And when I call out to you,

Will you be right there-

Bridge:

Right there---

And I’ll be waiting by the window for your smile to come through,

And I’ll be waiting in the darkness when I call out to you,

And I’ll remember when you told me,

I could trust in you-

*and it’s a leap of faith,

When you believe there’s someone out there,

It’s a leap of faith when you believe that someone cares, oh,

And when I call out to you,

Will you be right there-

It’s a leap of faith,

And I believe that you are out there,

It’s a leap of faith and I believe you truly care, oh,

And when I call out to you,

I know you’ll be right there,

Right there,

And it’s a leap of faith.

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a

distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in

the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under

Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,

such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed

undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply

crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these

problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

=========================

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while

Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command:"http:

I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't

forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as

designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications

Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above

application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus

in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your

system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These

are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary,

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and

cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying

additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed

that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a

lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed

itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system

activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and

Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system

whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to

run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to

Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please

help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

______________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it

is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an

OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend

7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from

the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to

not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under

Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background

application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because

ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the

system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will

cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens,

the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase

additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With

Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and

will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California: By 30 Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Spend Your Money, Then Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Ayuh

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Scared

Joke of January 15/16, 2005:

John entered a store in Brooklyn and asked the shopkeeper, "What is the price of a herring?"

"Six cents each," answered Katz, the shopkeeper.

Just then the owner of the next store announced his merchandise loudly: "Ladies and gentlemen, cheap! Five cents a herring!"

"Do you hear that?" John asked, "Why do you charge more?"

"Because," answered Katz, "I wrap the herring in today's newspaper, whereas my neighbour uses papers that are a week old!"

Joke of January 14, 2005:

An actor was offered 5,000 pounds a week to work on a new film.

"What is it called?" he asked.

"The One-Legged Transvestite of Dartmoor Prison," replied the director, "Be sure to be here on Tuesday at eight o'clock."

"For that money I don't mind starting on Sunday."

"No need on Sunday. But on Monday you will be having your operations."

Joke of January 13, 2005:

"How is business?" one salesman asked another.

"Terrible. Even the people who never pay have stopped buying."

Joke of January 12, 2005:

Caption: "Stanley, I think the cat wants to go out."

Joke of January 11, 2005:

Taxpayer: "I always pay my income taxes all at once."

Tax collector: "But you are allowed to pay them in quarterly installments."

Taxpayer: "I know it, but my heart can't stand it four times a year."

Joke of January 10, 2005:

On a TV talk show a young atheist was sitting between a Catholic bishop and a famous rabbi. "I feel as if I were the page between the Old Testament and the New Testament..." The rabbi interrupted him, "That is a brilliant comparison, my son, since that page is usually a blank page."

Joke of January 8/9, 2005:

A tourist saw an advertisement in front of a restaurant which claimed that any dish requested could be served. The man decided to test it. He entered and ordered an elephant on toast. The waiter took the order and went away into the kitchen. A few minutes later, he returned and said calmly, "We do apologize, but unfortunately we have run out of bread."

Joke of January 7, 2005:

A customer complained, "God made the world in only six days. And it took you more than six weeks to finish up my suit." "Quite true, sir," replied the tailor, "But look what state it is in, and then take a look at this suit!"