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The Talon House


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Posts posted by ShiningKnight

  1. August 1, 2005

    A man made an appointment to see a new optometrist. "Doctor," the man says, "I think I'm suffering from poor eyesight."

    "Oh, don't worry," says the doctor. "I can just print your bill bigger."

  2. July 30/31, 2005

    Mrs. Greenburg was making the rounds at her tea for the ladies. In her hand she carried a platter of freshly baked cookies. "So Mrs. Rubenstein," she smiled, "would you like some cookies?"

    "No, thank you," said Mrs. Rubenstein, "they're just delicious - but I already had four."

    "You already had five," replied Mrs. Greenburg. "But who's counting!"

  3. July 29, 2005


    "Do you have anything to declare?"

    "No, nothing."

    "And what is it you've got in this bottle here?"

    "Water from Lourdes."

    The customs officer opens up the bottle - and it is filled with French cognac. "That's funny," the astonished man said, "There's another miracle."

  4. July 28, 2005

    Simon is walking along the road carrying a big watermelon when he sees Nat coming towards him.

    "Hello! Nat, how are you?"

    "Oy vey," says Nat, throwing his arms up in the air, "Don't ask! But tell me, how are you?"

    "Me? You ask how I am? You want me to drop my watermelon?"

  5. July 26, 2005

    The dentist took one look at Billy's mouth and said, "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."

    Billy looked at him and said, "I heard you, Doc. You don't have to repeat yourself."

    "I didn't. That was an echo."

  6. A pilot who died when he crashed a small aircraft near Germany's parliament building in central Berlin had been questioned about the disappearance of his wife and was probably on a suicide mission, police said.

    Officials said they had definitively ruled out the possibility that Friday's crash onto a lawn between the Reichstag building and Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder's office was in any way related to terrorism.

    "Before taking off, the pilot supposedly spoke of his intention to kill himself," Gerd Neubeck, Berlin's deputy police chief, told a news conference. "Everything points to a suicide."

    The single-engine, ultra-light aircraft crashed shortly before 8:30 p.m. (1830 GMT) on Friday a couple of hundred metres from the glass-domed Reichstag and about the same distance from the chancellery.

    Witnesses said the plane, which burst into flames on impact, appeared to be flying out of control.

    The pilot, a 39 year old man, gave conflicting statements to investigators when questioned on Thursday about his wife, who has been missing since Monday, police said.

    Before taking off on Friday from an airfield in Brandenburg, the eastern state that surrounds the German capital, he handed over personal documents and car keys to his 14 year old son and told him of plans to kill himself, Neubeck said.

    Prosecutors in Brandenburg are still investigating the disappearance of the pilot's wife.

    The crash prompted calls by several conservative politicians for new rules banning flights over the German capital.

    "It is very worrying that a plane can get so close to the center of power," said Wolfgang Bosbach, a member of the Christian Democrats (CDU), who is seen as a potential interior minister if the conservatives oust Schroeder's Social Democrats (SPD) in a September 18 election.

    But Ehrhart Koerting, Berlin's interior minister and a member of the SPD, said it would be impossible to enforce a flight-ban over central Berlin without closing down airports in the capital and surrounding areas.



  7. July 23/24, 2005

    A passenger jet was struggling through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?" To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in the sales end, not management."

  8. Published: Saturday, 23 July, 2005, 12:56 PM Doha Time

    BERLIN: German President Horst Koehler gave the green light on Thursday for a general election on September 18 which could usher in the country’s first woman leader.

    Koehler announced on national television that he had met the request from Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder to dissolve parliament and hold elections 12 months ahead of schedule.

    The president said that he agreed with Schroeder’s assessment that the chancellor no longer enjoyed a stable majority within his coalition of Social Democrats (SPD) and Greens.

    Koehler said that there were grounds for an early election because the country faces “immense tasks” including tackling unemployment, cutting the imposing public debt and contending with an ageing population which produced too few children.

    “In this serious situation, our country needs a new government that can pursue its goals with continuity and emphasis,” Koehler said. “The well-being of the people is best served with a new election.”

    The vast majority of Germans have said they would welcome early elections in the hope a new government will drag the eurozone’s biggest economy out of its lethargy.

    However, the decision to proceed with early elections still faces a challenge from two members of parliament from the Greens.

    Opinion polls show Schroeder’s conservative challenger Angela Merkel is nearly certain of becoming Germany’s first female chancellor – the latest survey put her Christian Union bloc 17 percentage points ahead of the SPD.

    A snap poll by ARD public television released after Koehler’s speech showed that only one person in five believes Schroeder will win re-election.

    Schroeder, who came to power in 1998, immediately confirmed he was standing for another term “because the reforms which I have begun, for health policy, for pensions or for the labour market, are right and necessary”.

    “Germany is on the right track and more and more people are beginning to recognise that fact,” he said.

    The chancellor embarked on his high-risk strategy on July 1 when he deliberately lost a parliamentary vote of confidence with the aim of prompting elections.

    Schroeder told parliament ahead of the vote that he wanted new elections to test if the people still backed a set of sometimes painful social welfare reforms.

    His party has suffered a string of poor performances in state polls, but Schroeder’s decision was prompted by a crushing defeat in May to the conservative opposition in the country’s most populous state of North Rhine-Westphalia, an SPD bastion.

    Greens deputy Jelena Hoffmann confirmed on Thursday that she and her party colleague Werner Schulz would challenge a decision to dissolve parliament in the country’s constitutional court because they wanted to serve the full term until autumn 2006.

    Merkel has promised if elected to slash Germany’s unemployment figures which topped 5mn this year and inject new life into the economy.

    Inevitably compared with Margaret Thatcher, Merkel has said that she has “great respect” for the economic policies of Britain’s first and only female prime minister but that her own programme is likely to be less controversial.

    She has unveiled plans to create jobs and raise value-added tax, a form of sales tax common throughout the European Union, to 18% from 16% today.

    After Koehler’s announcement, Merkel said: “We don’t have to make do with 5mn unemployed.

    “I am asking us to move forward together for a better Germany, in which people can again seize their opportunities again.”

    In addition to Merkel’s momentum, Schroeder faces another headache with the creation of a new left-wing alliance known as the Left Party which risks attracting working-class support away from the Social Democrats.

    The alliance could also cost the Christian Democrats crucial votes in the former communist east. – AFP


  9. July 22, 2005

    An old merchant is trying to initiate his son into the secrets of the economy, "Everything that is rare is expensive. A good horse is rare, that's why it's expensive."

    "But Dad," the son contradicted, "a good horse that is cheap is rarer."

  10. July 19, 2005

    Pete's son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me," he said, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home."

    "How silly," said Pete, "you could have run behind a taxi and saved $ 20!"

  11. July 16/17, 2005

    Kohn and Greenstein, who were partners, were lunching one day. Suddenly Kohn shouted: "My God, I left the safe open."

    "There's no need to worry," replied Greenstein, "we're both here, aren't we?"

  12. July 13, 2005

    Sally goes to see the Rev. Higgens and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours. All of a sudden, Sally shouts, overjoyed, "Reverend, your holy prescence has cured me! My headache is gone!" To which the Reverend replies, "No Sally, it is not gone. I have it now."

  13. July 11, 2005

    Every chair in the doctor's waiting room was filled and some patients were standing. At one point the conversation died down and there was silence. During the silence an old man stood up wearily and remarked, "Well, guess I'll go home and die a natural death."

  14. July 9/10, 2005

    An Englishman bought a horse from a vicar and was told that it was a well-trained animal but only moved when the rider said "Thank God" and only stopped when it heard "Amen". So he mounted the horse, said, "Giddy-up" and nothing happened. Looking rather shame-faced he said, "Thank God", and immediately the horse gallopped off. Soon they came towards a cliff, the horse run faster and faster, he shouted, "Whoah, whoah", until he remembered, and then said, "Amen". The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. The rider wiped the sweat from his brow with his handkerchief and breathed with relief, "Thank God!"

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