movieguy

Burglar gets stuck in chimney Firefighters had to knock down a chimney to rescue a burglar who got himself stuck fast. The intruder had tried to enter a house in Buenos Aires by climbing down the chimney. Homeowner Gabriela B was surprised in the early hours to hear a voice behind her fireplace, Terra Noticias Populares reports. A police spokesperson said: "Mrs B said that she got home a bit tipsy and when she heard the voice coming from the chimney she thought for a moment that it was Santa Claus." The burglar was arrested after being freed from the chimney. www.ananova.com

Shriveled Lovin'' There was an old couple sitting at a table. The old man said to the old lady, "I remember 50 years ago we were sitting at this very table." The old woman said, "Yes, and we were probably naked as jay birds." The old man said, "Well, what do you say..wanna get naked?" So they both stripped. The old woman said, "You know hunny, my breasts are just as hot for you as they were 50 years ago." a The old man replied, "I can imagine, one is in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee."

Tales From The Shire Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!" In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it." The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?" "No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

Happy New Year Jan and to All here at The Talon House NewYear05

Chapter Four: Legacy of The Power Within is now posted http://www.deweywriter.com/

The Harried Pharmacist Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"

Some Things You Can't Understand A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." Man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain."

Farmer and Pig A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?" The farmer replied, "No, I didn't know that." The cop asked the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis". The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would. Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis." The farmer replied, "I did and we had so much fun, I taking him to Kings Island now".

The Meteorologist Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

Getting a Day Off Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

The Mouse A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

Lost in the YMCA A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

Vet Money Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "Oh, $20,000 a week." "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."

Eye Catching Moment A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

Hello Ethan and welcome

iant54 to The House

Top 10 Resolutions You Won't Keep This Year (for Nerds) 10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk. 9. I will stop sending email to my roommate. 8. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own. 7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email. 6. When I subscribe to a news group or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it. 5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind. 4. No more downloads from alt.binaries.* 3. I resolve to back up my new 2 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps... 2. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net. 1. I won't try to get onto the Netscape web site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out. 0. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support." -1. I will read the manual. -2. I will think of a password other than "password." -3. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

TalonRider Will be back soon I know he wish all of you a Happy Holidays and that he miss being here at the forum If you are gonna travel be safe and be back here with us soon so from The Talon House and it Moderate teams have a Happy Holidays MerryChristmasSanta :8_2_77[1]: Rudolf1 Grinch PresentsUnderTheTree