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Half-Naked Trucker Takes Police on Chase By Associated Press November 22, 2004, 6:19 PM EST NEWINGTON, Conn. -- A half-naked trucker driving the wrong way on the Berlin Turnpike early Sunday took police on a chase through three towns and hit a cruiser before he was apprehended, police said. Steven Reed, 44, of Portland, Maine, was spotted driving his tractor cab south in the northbound lanes about 5 a.m. As police from surrounding towns tried to stop the truck, the driver pulled into a parking lot in West Hartford, turned the vehicle around and rammed a Newington police car on his way out. The officer was not injured. The truck continued back into Newington where it struck a median and stopped. Police said Reed, who was not wearing pants, jumped from the cab and was apprehended. He was charged with numerous violations including reckless driving, engaging police in pursuit and driving under the influence. Reed was being held on $100,000 bond and is scheduled to be arraigned in New Britain Superior Court on Monday. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com

Boy Charged With Abducting Exotic Dancer By Associated Press November 22, 2004, 6:55 PM EST VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. -- A 13-year-old boy was charged with abducting an exotic dancer when she showed up for an appointment at what turned out to be a vacant house with no electricity, police said Monday. When the woman entered the house at 6:30 p.m. on Nov. 16, she realized her client was a juvenile, police spokeswoman Rene Ball said. The boy told her the contract was for his older brother, but no one else showed up. The woman tried to leave, and the boy pointed a shotgun at her and ordered her to dance for him, Ball said. She tried to call 911 on her cell phone, but the boy grabbed the phone. The woman bit the boy's hand, broke free and ran to her car. The boy was arrested Thursday and charged with abduction by force, conspiracy, using a firearm to commit a felony, brandishing a firearm and transporting and possessing an assault firearm at age 13. He was being held at the Virginia Beach Detention Center. The names of the woman and the boy were not released. Police were trying to identify a second juvenile suspected of being involved in the abduction plan. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com

Bow man who copyrighted name faces more jail time CONCORD, N.H. (AP) — A man who says he copyrighted his name and claims people must pay him $500,000 each time they use it faces more jail time for filing frivolous liens against lawyers and public officials. A state Supreme Court justice will decide this week whether to impose a suspended sentence on Ghislain Breton of Bow after Breton threatened to file a new round of liens. Justice James Duggan heard the case on Friday. Breton, 40, a former carpenter, claims that people must pay up each time they use his name. He filed liens for millions of dollars against the lawyer and state officials who handled his divorce. Liens are easy to file in New Hampshire and don’t require a judge’s signature. But removing them can be costly. The tactic is promoted by anti-government groups. Breton’s already serving 18 months in the Merrimack County jail on the first round of charges. He faces up to seven more years in jail after refusing to promise that he’d stop trying to file new liens. Breton has said his legal fight is an attempt to regain custody of his four daughters. "My thinking was that you were being led along in this enterprise by other people and that you were not very serious about it," Duggan told Breton. "And frankly, there are a lot more dangerous people in prison than you. But you are serious." Prosecutors said the liens temporarily prevented one woman from selling her house and dissuaded another from getting a loan for her child’s college tuition. Last month, the attorney general’s office won a temporary restraining order preventing the liens from being placed, partly because Duggan, prosecutors and a state investigator received notice that Breton intended to file liens against them, too. "This has taken over your life, Mr. Breton," Duggan said. "Before you got yourself into this mess, you were a hardworking man ... and a family man." fosters.com

Mall Santas May Want To Invest In Health Insurance ATLANTA (Wireless Flash) -- Being a shopping mall Santa Claus isn't always a merry experience, especially when your body feels like a punching bag from the loads of lap-sitters. That's according to Ed Butchart, a professional Saint Nick who has worked in kid-friendly places from malls to theme parks. The 18-year-veteran says the job is physically taxing and after a full day's work, his whole body is in pain -- particularly his shoulders and back from picking up so many kids. Butchart usually doesn't worry about the suffering he goes through because "it's worth it to make a child happy," but there was one time when he truly feared for his health. He says a seven-year-old who weighed 427 pounds sat on his lap years ago and he figured "something was going to go." Luckily, he says there have been "no lasting effects." Butchart shares other memorable Santa stories in his book, "The Red Suit Diaries" (Revell). ncbuy.com

Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs BELGRADE, Serbia (Wireless Flash) -- A Serbian tie-maker hopes to create a buzz with a new line of ties that are meant to wind around a man's p**** instead of his neck. Neven Vrgoc says men should wear the private part decorations to "create a good impression on a first date" -- but he also expects women to buy them for men when they've been totally satisfied in bed. According to ananova.com, the designer expects to have the line of ties in stores by Christmas. LOS ANGELES -- Fruitcake rules when it comes to the most hated holiday traditions. According to a new survey by the Fandango online movie ticketing service, 39 percent of folks call fruitcake their least-favorite part of the holidays. Spending time with relatives is also unpopular, with 15 percent of the vote, while 14 percent of folks say they can't stand singing Christmas carols. LONDON -- The holiday season is a time for giving, but it's also apparently a time for drinking. According to a new survey by the Priority Group, 60 percent of British adults say they think it's fine for people to binge drink over the festive season. BANGKOK -- A Thai man cut off the penises of two boys after he found out they had stolen nearly $1,250 of his savings from an ATM machine. Forty-year-old Manit Srithammathan told police he could not control his rage when the two teens -- who were staying in his house -- refused to confess to the theft, which he discovered after checking a video kept by the bank. ncbuy.com

Very Proud to have Julio by Miguel Sanchez located in Miguel Corner at the site more chapter on the way, 1 to 8 is now links http://excoboard.com/exco/index.php?boardid=5252

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis? - Mypenis ate my homework. - Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth! - Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis. - I'm Sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash. - Mypenis doesn't come when I call it. - Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. - I love giving Mypenis a bath. - At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands. - Mypenis likes it when people pet him. - Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds. - Playing with Mypenis really wears me out. - Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis? - Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active. - I think Mypenis has a mind of its own. - I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet. - Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction. - I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead. - Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door. - If Mypenis was a weiner dog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry. - Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys. - Help! I can't find Mypenis! - Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking forMypenis. - Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes. - Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital. - Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis! - Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis. - When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone. - Stop kicking Mypenis. - When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown. - Mypenis is truly man's best friend. - Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease. - People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention. - Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer. - There's nothing like a well-trained b**** for Mypenis. - I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops. - Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table. - Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis. - Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...

Beavers use stolen money to build dam Stolen banknotes dumped in a US creek were found by beavers and weaved into their dam. Thousands of dollars were stolen from a casino in Greensburg, Louisiana, and thrown into a creek, reports the Advocate. Police said beavers tore open a money bags and wove the bills into the sticks and brush of their dam. Major Michael Martin said deputies also recovered two other money bags, one of which had floated against the dam. So far, deputies have recovered slightly more than half of the £40,000 stolen from the Lucky Dollar Casino. Lawyers representing a man claiming to be involved in the theft contacted police to try to make a deal. He told officers where the money had been dumped and police began a search to try to recover the cash. Deputies found one of the bags right away and found the second downstream but couldn't find the third - until they looked at the dam itself. "They hadn't torn the bills up," Major Martin said. "They were still whole." ananova.com

Robbers tried to kick down sliding door Three would-be robbers tried to kick down the door of a restaurant - not realising it was an unlocked sliding door. Police say 20 bemused customers were eating in the restaurant, at Gerringong in New South Wales, Australia, at the time. Acting Senior Sergeant John Klepzcarek said one of the men, who had hoods over their faces, tried to push the door open first. "Because it wouldn't open, he started kicking it. One of the other men tried to push the sliding door and after a number of attempts all three men have run off," he told ABC News ananova.com

Tie maker launches p**** cravat A Serbian tie maker is planning to launch a new range of p**** cravats for the man who has everything. Designer Neven Vrgoc said: "The ties are of a special shape and do not go around the neck of the man, but around his member. "I hope male customers will buy them to create a good impression on a first date, or women might present them to men when they have been totally satisfied. "There will also be a special certificate of excellence that will go with the tie and on which the woman will be able to fill out details of the individual's performance." Vrgoc, who claims Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bill Clinton and Jacques Chirac are among his clients, said he was preparing a promotional campaign for his p**** ties, Glas Javnosti reported. "I hope to have a full range in the shops by Christmas," he said. ananova.com

Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs BROOKFIELD, Wis. (Wireless Flash) -- License plates aren't the only thing Americans want personalized: A new poll shows that 62 percent of folks who want funerals want their ceremony to be personalized too. The study by the National Funeral Directors Association shows some of the preferred personalization methods include: playing their favorite music, which was chosen by 47 percent; and displaying personal photos, picked by 42 percent. CHICAGO -- Companies still have the holiday spirit. According to a new survey by global outplacement firm, Challenger, Gray and Christmas, more than 70 percent of companies plan on throwing a holiday shindig this year. The survey also predicts one in four of these companies will cut costs with a simple daytime lunch instead of an all-night bash while 63 percent of companies will restrict their holiday fiestas to employees only. LOS ANGELES -- What's the best music to listen to while you plunge a stake into a vampire? New Line Cinema -- which will release the vampire-killing movie "Blade: Trinity" on Dec. 8 -- is trying to find out. At musictoslayby.com, people can enter a contest where they select a "slaylist" of songs they would listen to while killing the blood-suckers. The contest ends on Dec. 8 and the contestant with the music list rated best by site visitors gets a free Apple iPod. MEMPHIS, Tenn. -- Here's food for thought: The entire eighth grade class of Geeter Middle School in Memphis, Tennessee, was suspended from school after starting a food fight in the cafeteria on "meat loaf day." A school spokesman said the students were asked to apologize and help with the clean up, but when the most of them refused to comply, the entire class was suspended. ncbuy.com

Chapter 19 of The Closing is now posted http://www.jpoet.4t.com/

Poppyseeds cost man his license An Austrian driver has lost his license because he failed a drug test after eating a dish containing poppyseeds. Wolfgang L, 39, had his license withdrawn when a test showed traces of morphine in his urine. But he denies drug abuse, saying he had recently eaten mohnnudeln, an Austrian speciality consisting of noodles, poppyseeds and fruit. Reinhard Fous, head police doctor in Vienna, told the Kronenzeitung the man 'wasn't under the influence of drugs' since his blood test came back negative. Yet, the traces of morphine in his urine showed he wasn't fit to drive, the doctor argued. But fellow doctor and toxicologist Rainer Schmidt says police were wrong to withdraw Wolfgang L's license. He is convinced that eating Mohnnudeln doesn't affect anybody's ability to drive a car safely. "Poppyseed contains morphines, which can indeed be traced in a urine test," Mr Schmidt said. "The one difference between someone who consumes drugs and someone who eats poppyseed is that an addict shows a much higher concentration of morphine in his body." ananova.com

Missing elderly couple had lost their way An elderly Missouri couple who went missing for nearly 24 hours were driving around, hopelessly lost. Violet Kaczmark, 83, says her husband William, 81, wouldn't stop to ask directions, reports KSDK NewsChannel 5. The couple, from Florissant, were heading to Maryland Heights for a family reception when they got lost. Violet wanted to stop for help but she says her husband didn't. "I told him I had seen two different cops and I think I'm going to one cop and tell him I'm lost and how do you get back to Florissant and, he says no I don't want you doing that," she said. The couple drove through the night, stopping only to buy petrol - three times. Meantime, Florissant police, fearing foul play, conducted a search and asked the media to broadcast the missing persons report. Florissant Captain Jerry Burke said: "There was a gentleman driving through East St. Louis as he heard it on the radio. He observed them driving in front of them erratically, back and forth between the lanes. "He pulled alongside them and yelled for them to pull over, which they did. Once he did that, he grabbed the keys and called police." Violet says if it hadn't been for the stranger stopping them, she thinks they would still be lost. She says she's going to buy a cell phone in case they get lost again. ananova.com

a Short Story by Movieguy title a Thanksgiving Blessing is posted movieguyworld.com

Stray house on the highway There's no indication who owns the upper half of a home left in a ditch about a month ago. EDDY RAMIREZ Published November 20, 2004 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TAMPA - Were it another discarded mattress or a hubcap on the lam, people wouldn't raise an eyebrow at the castoff left in a ditch along U.S. 301. But, as coffee stand owner Georgenna Malone points out, "It's kind of hard to miss." It's a house. Not a whole house, but the three-bedroom, two-bath second floor of one - freshly painted sea foam green - resting on a set of rusted beams and wheels just below the Interstate 75 overpass. For about a month, the mystery has puzzled people along this rustic stretch of highway outside Temple Terrace. "We've been trying to figure out what the hell is going on out there," said Lisa Power, records manager for the Temple Terrace Police Department. There's no "For Sale" sign. No moving permit. Nothing to trace the house back to its owner. Al Chapman said he first noticed it in front of his employer's collision repair shop one morning four weeks ago. At the time, it was hooked up to a semitrailer truck. "When the driver showed up," he said, "I just saw the truck leave, but the house wasn't moving." Chapman figured the driver would return later that day if not the next. Many figure the second story, accompanied by a first-floor roof, was just too tall to go beneath the overpass. But other theories exist. Was a hurricane to blame, wondered Don Johns, owner of a pool table shop along the highway. Malone, the coffee stand owner, thought a new housing subdivision was going up. The house, she thought, must have been erected as a model for passing motorists. But why only the top half, she wonders. Then, a "For Rent" sign appeared on a mailbox not far from the ditch. "I had a customer ask me if the house was for rent," Malone said, shaking her head. "Isn't that just wild?" As it turned out, the sign was for a trailer, not the house, which appears to be a discontinued model from the former Jim Walter Industries sales center in Brandon, according to company spokesman John McNeilly. An employee sent to the site recognized the model. "Our models are very distinct," McNeilly said. He's otherwise at a loss to explain. The state Department of Transportation plans to deploy a team of inspectors Monday, in the hopes of getting to the bottom of this house divided. In the meantime, squatters have left behind muddy footprints and a soiled bathroom. According to employees of Master Collision Repair, police found a pair of indigents hiding behind the house with a stolen pressure washer. "We don't want it there anymore," said Eileen Rydzewski, the shop's office manager. Power, of the Temple Terrace Police Department, wonders what has become of the homeowners. "It's a nice part of a house," she said. "I feel sorry for the people who purchased the house. "I'm sure they don't know it's been laying there all this time." Eddy Ramirez can be reached at eramirez@sptimes.com or 813 661-2441. © Copyright 2003 St. Petersburg Times. All rights reserved sptimes.com

A man from a company selling things from door to door knocks on the first house of Main Street. A little boy answers the door 'Hello' says the little boy 'Hi, is your dad in?' says the salesman 'Yes' replies the boy 'Well can i speak to him?' 'No, he's busy' 'Is your mum in?' 'Yep' 'Can I speak to her?' 'No, she's busy' 'What about your sister can I speak to her?' 'No, she's busy' 'What about your brother?' 'He's busy' 'Well is there any one else in the house?' 'There are 2 policemen' said the boy 'Can I speak to them?' 'No theyre busy.' 'Well what are they all doing?' asked the salesman *hehe* 'Looking for me' said the boy.

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my p**** one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my p**** fifty times."

An older couple lay in bed, and the man, as he has done for the past 40 years, farts loudly. The woman turns over and looks at him and says, "One day you are going to fart your guts out." He nonchalantly responds, "Nah". Thanksgiving morning, only a few days later, the woman gets up early to start the dinner for that evenings festivities. As she cleans the turkey a thought pops into her head. Still holding the turkey giblets she runs into their bedroom where her husband is still sleeping. She gently pushes the contents of her hand into the back of her husbands underwear, then returns back to the kitchen to finish the preparations. A few moments later she hears the usual morning fart, then a loud thump, footsteps running down the hall, and the bathroom door slamming. She does nothing but smile knowingly, and waits for her husband to come into the kitchen. Not long after he enters, he looks at his wife and says, "Honey, you were right, I farted my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got em shoved back up in there."

Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden. Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground. "You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man. Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch. After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth. "Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside. Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar. "Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar." "No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma!"

Fainting

Help Lines Hear Thanksgiving Horror Tales By BETSY TAYLOR Associated Press Writer November 19, 2004, 6:29 PM EST ST. LOUIS -- Concerned about cooking that Thanksgiving turkey? Just keep in mind that if you don't slice the bird with a chain saw, stomp on it to make it fit in a pan or lose it in a snowdrift, you'll already be doing better than some other Americans. Cooks who have questions about how to prepare the seasonal feast have long been able to call help lines, offered by turkey producers, schools or others looking to provide assistance. But sometimes, the turkey traumas on Thanksgiving have even the experts stumped. Mary Clingman serves as director of the Butterball Turkey Talk Line in Downers Grove, Ill. It expects to take more than 100,000 inquiries through Christmas. Some past callers stand out. "We got a call from a guy last year whose turkey wouldn't fit in his pan. He wrapped it in a towel and stomped on it until it did," Clingman said. Another caller cut a turkey in half with a chain saw, then worried that oil on the saw might have transferred onto the turkey. A woman in Colorado who left her turkey outside to keep it frozen realized she couldn't find it when more snow fell. And one phone call began: "You don't know anything about kitty litter, do you?" Clingman said a woman called after her husband poured kitty litter on the bottom of a new grill in hopes of absorbing drippings. Fortunately, the grill hadn't been lit yet, so the turkey was pulled off and cooked more conventionally, she said. Kathy Bernard with the U.S. Department of Agriculture's Meat and Poultry Hotline in Beltsville, Md., said a caller last year wanted to make her bird inside a roasting bag, but didn't have one, so had improvised. "She pulled a dry cleaning bag off her husband's suit, and it melted onto the bird," Bernard said. Chris Whaley, a spokeswoman for Perdue in Salisbury, Md., said people should keep in mind that the Thanksgiving meal can be as simple or as complicated as they'd like it to be. "I do believe it's reassuring to know not everyone's done it perfectly over the years," she said. * ___ Butterball Turkey Talk Line: 1-800-288-8372 USDA Meat and Poultry Hotline: 1-800-535-4555 Perdue Consumer Help Line: 1-800-473-7383 Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com

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