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Happy Birthday The_One hope it a good day and good wishes to you party1

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner. "Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken.

Mental Hospital After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Fan Pursues Bonds Home Run Ball, But Strikes Out Fri Sep 17, 2004 10:30 AM ET LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - A baseball fan who bought up 6,458 seats at Los Angeles' Dodger Stadium in the hope of catching and selling Barry Bonds' 700th home run ball admitted on Thursday he had probably struck out. Los Angeles investment banker Michael Mahan crunched some numbers back in March and spent $25,000 to buy all the bleachers in the stadium's right-field pavilion for the Oct. 1 and Oct. 3 games when he figured Bonds would become only the third man to enter the 700-homer club. But with Bonds on Thursday already at 699 home runs and with 12 games to go before Oct. 1 Mahan said the chances of being there for the milestone were slim. "I am just looking to see a good game and having a good time. I am not overly disappointed. There was a chance, that's all there was," said Mahan, a lifelong Dodgers fan. Mahan said he was not out of pocket. He sold 3,000 tickets to a broker, hundreds more through his Web site, gave others to family and friends and donated 400 to a local kids charity. Every buyer signed a contract promising to hand over to Mahan any Bonds home run ball they might catch. Mahan would sell the ball -- which he said experts claimed might fetch up to $500,000 if it were the 700th -- and split the cash with the fan who caught it. It is not the first time that baseball fans have gone the extra mile for souvenirs as the San Francisco Giants slugger pursues the 755 all-time home run mark set by Hank Aaron in 1976. Bonds is currently third behind Aaron and Babe Ruth, who has 714 home runs. Two tussling baseball fans ended up in a San Francisco court over ownership of the ball that Bonds hit for his 73rd home run in 2001, a record for single-season homers. That ball, which was once estimated to be worth as much as $1.5 million, was auctioned by a judge's order for $450,000. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- © Copyright Reuters 2004. All rights reserved. reuters.com

280-Pound Man Sits On Intruder Until Police Arrive POSTED: 8:31 am EDT September 17, 2004 CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa -- Rick Fisk of Cedar Rapids doesn't take crime sitting down -- or does he? Police say the 52-year-old man came home Tuesday morning to find a woman standing in his home holding items from his house. They say the woman, 34-year-old Julie Dye, ran from the house but was chased down and tackled by Fisk in his front yard. Fisk, who is 6-feet 2-inches tall and weighs about 280 pounds, sat on top of Dye until help arrived. Fisk's phone was out of reach so he yelled for help. After 20 minutes of sitting and yelling, a neighbor called 911. Dye is facing a charge of second-degree burglary. She is being held in the Linn County jail under $19,500 bond. Copyright 2004 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved. wsoctv.com

Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs CEDAR FALLS, Iowa (Wireless Flash) -- One female burglar has become the butt of jokes when a would-be victim sat on the woman until authorities arrived. Fifty-two-year-old Rick Fisk, standing six-foot two, and weighing 280 pounds, returned to his Cedar Rapids, Iowa, home earlier this week to find 34-year-old Julie Dye holding some of his possessions. When she fled, Fisk tackled her in his front yard and sat on her, calling for his neighbors to call the police. Fisk told the AP, "When they don't want to go to jail, they are a handful." FAIRFIELD, N.Y. -- A New York father should win the Worst Father of the Year award. Eric Carney faces child endangerment charges after his two-year-old girl got drunk. Troopers say Carney was at a friend's house when he gave his two-year-old daughter a taste of beer. When he returned the toddler to her mother, she noticed something was wrong and took the girl to the hospital where it was discovered the girl had a blood alcohol level of .14, nearly twice the legal limit for an adult. Carney says his little girl must have drank more on her own while he wasn't looking. ORLANDO, Fla. -- Too much goofing around can get you in trouble. A man playing Goofy has been suspended at Walt Disney World after being accused of shoving two other workers. Two photographers at Disney's Animal Kingdom say Michael Chartrand -- the same man who was cleared last month on claims he molested a teenager while playing Tigger at the Magic Kingdom -- came up to them in his Goofy costume and shoved them in the chest. Chartrand's lawyer says he was just, "goofing around because he is Goofy." AUCKLAND, New Zealand -- Drunk-driving prevention is going down the toilet in New Zealand. Urinals in pubs and hotels across kiwi country will soon feature signs displaying anti-boozing and cruising messages when soaked by warm liquid. The "New Zealand ""Herald "reports the messages will say either: "If you drink then don't drive, you're a bloody legend" while a picture of a taxi comes up or: "If you drink then drive, you're a bloody idiot" as a picture of a wrecked car is displayed. Each message disappears when the urinal cools down, ready to be re-activated by the next tinkler. ncbuy.com

Officers Wrestle Alligator Out of Hot Tub By Associated Press September 16, 2004, 7:31 PM EDT ROYALTON, Ill. -- A worried neighbor's call to Animal Control led to a bizarre scene at a southern Illinois home: Four officers wrestling an alligator out of a hot tub, a house filled with animal cages, and the arrest of a man wanted by the military for desertion. It was more than Franklin County Animal Control Supervisor Jarrett Broy had been counting on when the call came in, but he's seen crazy things before. When Broy and another officer reached the home Monday, they spotted the 5-foot-long, 80-pound American alligator in a wooden enclosure attached to a garage. Inside the enclosure was a hot tub sunk into the ground and filled with 4 feet of stagnant water, and in the water, littered with broken turtle shells, was the alligator. They called the Illinois Department of Natural Resources and Royalton Police for a little help. To get the alligator, Scott Ballard of the IDNR pulled on chest waders, stepped into the tub and grabbed the animal. Broy and two others then dragged Ballard and the alligator out to the ground and struggled to tape the alligator's jaws shut. "You can't imagine that thing's tail," Broy said. "He was wanting me to turn him loose, so he'd pop me in the back -- just laying it on me. Wham, wham, wham. My back is so sore." Inside the house, meanwhile, Royalton Police Chief Denny Bush was running background checks on all the people. One 18-year-old man came up listed as wanted by the military for desertion. The man was being held Thursday on a military pickup order at the Franklin County Jail, Sheriff Bill Wilson said. The officers also found cages for large snakes, a room full of rats and mice, and several squirrels inside the house. The owner of the home could be charged with possession of a threatened species for having the alligator in captivity, officials said. To keep the alligator, he would have needed a permit, which he did not have, Ballard said. The home owner does not have a listed phone number and could not be reached Thursday for comment. The alligator will be held at an IDNR holding facility until the case is resolved and eventually will go to a zoo or alligator farm, Broy said. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com

Jury Duty? I'll Drink to That! Thu Sep 16, 8:58 AM ET By Jeanne King NEW YORK (Reuters) - New Yorkers dreading jury duty take note: it's OK to be drunk on booze or high on pot or cocaine while doing your civic duty. So said a New York judge on Wednesday, who refused to set aside the verdict on a retired city firefighter convicted of swiping souvenirs from Ground Zero, citing the U.S. Supreme Court (news - web sites) to back her ruling. Samuel Brandon, 61, found guilty in March of petty larceny for stealing personal items from the ruins of the World Trade Center, asked for a new trial after a juror told him after the verdict that he had been drinking during deliberations. But Manhattan Supreme Court Judge Ellen Coin cited a 1987 Supreme Court decision which rejected the argument that jurors consuming alcohol, smoking marijuana, snorting cocaine and falling asleep constituted an "outside influence" on jurors. Coin said being drunk on jury duty was "reprehensible," but that there was little she could do about it given the Supreme Court ruling. "However severe their effect and improper their use, drugs or alcohol voluntarily ingested by a juror seem no more an 'outside influence' than a virus, poorly prepared food, or lack of sleep," the Supreme Court said in its decision. Brandon faces up to one year in jail at his Sept. 27 sentencing. story.yahoo.com

Tigger Character Suspended By Disney Again, This Time As Goofy POSTED: 6:25 AM EDT September 16, 2004 UPDATED: 2:54 PM EDT September 16, 2004 ORLANDO, Fla. -- The man cleared last month on claims he molested a teenager while playing Tigger at the Magic Kingdom has been suspended again. This time he was playing Goofy and is accused of shoving two other workers at Walt Disney World. lawyer tries on Tigger Suit/2004/0804/3616543.jpg/2004/0804/3616543_40X30.jpg/2004/0804/3616543_60X45.jpg/2004/0804/3616543_80X60.jpg/2004/0804/3616543_120X90.jpg/2004/0804/3616543_200X150.jpg His lawyer said the man was just "goofing around because he was Goofy." Two photographers at Disney's Animal Kingdom say Michael Chartrand came up to them in his Goofy costume and shoved each in the chest, Orange County Sheriff's Capt. Bernie Presha said Wednesday. PHOTOS See Images Presented During Trial -- Attorney Trying On Tigger Costume The photographers, a male and female whose names were not released, told officers that they at first thought the Goofy character was a friend who was joking around, but said they thought it unlike their friend to have shoved them. Later, when the character took off his costume head backstage, they saw that it was not their friend, Presha said. The photographers, who work for Kodak, told their bosses, who contacted Disney who called the sheriff's office. Jeffrey Kaufman, Chartrand's attorney in the Tigger case, said the new claims were bogus. "Goofy is clways playful," said Kaufman, who himself portrays characters at Disney part time and said he has played Goofy "hundreds of times." Attorney Grills Victim's Mother In Tigger Molestation Trial Tigger Costume Shown In Court Tigger Costume Entered As Evidence; Jurors To Try On Costume 36-Year-Old Man Accused Of Groping Girl At Magic Kingdom Goes On Trial "Of course he was goofing around because he was Goofy!" Kaufman said. Earlier this year, Disney suspended Chartrand after a 13-year-old accused him of fondling her while he was dressed as Tigger. A jury acquitted Chartrand of those charges, and Disney let him return to work Aug. 6. Kaufman said Disney sees Chartrand as a liability and is using this false claim against him. He also said the two Kodak employees shoved Chartrand back, as part of routine horseplay among cast members and greeters meant to entertain patrons. "That's the joke about this," Kaufman said. "You're supposed to fool around, be animated. I knew for Michael it would be tough for him to go back. I told him he would be a walking bull's-eye." Disney spokeswoman Jacquee Polak said Chartrand was suspended Aug. 30 and would remain so indefinitely. Kaufman said the suspension was unpaid. "It is our policy to place any employee accused of misconduct on suspension until all the facts are known," Disney said in a statement. Presha said that the State Attorney's Office would decide whether to file misdemeanor charges. He said a sheriff's report was not yet available because detectives were backlogged as a result of recent hurricanes. Chartrand, 36, a native of England, had been living at his sister's home in nearby Kissimmee but was not there Wednesday. Fran Chartrand referred all inquiries to Kaufman. local6.com

George Michael's underfloor stalker George Michael says a female stalker lived under the floor of his London home for four days and he wasn't aware. The Sun says he only realised she was there when he heard her shout his name as he made a phone call. When he investigated the woman leapt out of her hiding place. Police who were called arrested the woman after she punched an officer in the face. Weeks later she was found again in the garden of the singer's mansion in Hampstead, North West London. The split-level home features a luxurious living room that hangs over the edge of a slope and is propped up by stilts. The woman had slipped between the supports and camped directly beneath the living room floor. George told GQ magazine: "I had no idea she was under there. I was talking to a friend and I could hear my name being called out. Then she suddenly presented herself. She had been there four days." ananova.com

Dog Drives Off As Owner Watches Hockey By Associated Press September 15, 2004, 9:25 PM EDT WHITEHORSE, Yukon Territory -- An exuberant dog left in a truck while the owner watched Canada win the World Cup of Hockey managed to throw the vehicle into gear and coast down a city hill. A man out for a walk called police after seeing the vehicle coast by with a black Labrador retriever behind the wheel. Police arrived to find the truck in the middle of a road, blocking traffic, with the dog still at the wheel. No one was injured and there was no damage. Going door to door, police managed to track down the owner. "Subsequent investigation indicates that the dog was celebrating the Canadian victory in the world hockey game and knocked the truck into gear, causing it to roll down the hill," Whitehorse Royal Canadian Mounted Police said Wednesday in a firmly tongue-in-cheek news release. "No word yet on how the dog is doing studying the rules for negotiating the new traffic circle." Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com

Brazilian thieves rob bus full of policemen 16 September 2004 RIO DE JANEIRO: Forty-six Brazilian police officers travelling to a sports competition were caught with their guard down this week when four thieves robbed the bus carrying them to the event. The bus with 46 unarmed police from northeastern Paraiba state was headed to the city of Salvador in Bahia when two cars with armed robbers forced them to stop on the main interstate highway on Tuesday. "The robbers took their cameras, cellular phones, wallets and even the sports uniforms and sneakers," a police spokesman said. The suspects, who escaped, apparently did not know the bus was full of police when they stopped it, he said. "We are looking for them, but I cannot say there's any particular ardour here due to the fact that policemen have been robbed." stuff.nz.com

MORE CAR PARK CHAOS ... NOW YOU HAVE TO ASK PERMISSION TO GO TO THE LOO Next Story | Previous Story | Back to list 10:30 - 16 September 2004 Drivers were today told they must ask permission to leave a city centre car park on foot - or face a £30 fine. Anyone parking in the Tritton Retail Park, off Tritton Road, will be given a ticket if they leave the shopping precinct without their vehicle. The warning comes after motorist Mike Smith was issued with a fine after he walked across the road to go to the toilet in Morrisons supermarket. Mr Smith (40) of Branston, near Lincoln, had previously been shopping in Comet and Halfords. He said he was stunned to find the ticket when he got back to his car. Signs in the car park state that motorists can park there free for up to two hours. "I parked my car at about one o'clock," said Mr Smith. "I looked at the bikes in Halfords and then bought a bottle of screenwash before going out to my car. "The time on the receipt reads 2.01pm, so I had been in the car park for just over an hour. "When I got to my car I saw I had been issued a fine for £30. "Hand-written on the ticket were the words 'did not shop at shops' and a box was ticked which said I had left the estate." Car park signs state that it is a customer car park but there is no mention of a fine for failing to purchase items from shops on the retail park. Mr Smith looked around the car park for the attendant but could not see him. The following morning he returned to the car park and spoke to the attendant, who told him he had been ordered to book anyone spotted walking off the area. "Unless they have a guaranteed way of checking if people have used the shops then they can't be booking people like this. It is unacceptable," said Mr Smith. "If this is what they are going to do, people need to be aware of the fact. They need to make the sign a lot clearer." London-based Beaver Property Management, which runs the car park, said the only way it could stop people parking and walking into town without using the park's shops was to issue a ticket to anyone seen leaving the area. The firm's area manager Tito Ponzetta said people who wanted to leave the park needed to find an attendant and tell them that they would return and use the park shops or prove that they had done so already. "Mr Smith was witnessed by the attendant leaving the car park," he said. "Our company has been instructed by the landowner and the city council not to allow people to use the car park to go into town. "The only way we can ensure that this is not happening is to issue tickets when we see people leaving the car park. "If they do come back within the two hour maximum stay we will void the ticket with proof of purchase. If there is an attendant on site they can void the ticket or, if not, there is a phone number to ring." The news is just the latest blow to car users, who this week were told another city car park is to close and be redeveloped. A spokesman for the city council said it was not aware of the fines. "We were not aware of the fines but as a private car park it is down to the discretion of the property management group that manage it. "But it sounds like they need to review their signage so the circumstances under which people are parking is clear." Should people be fined for parking without using the retail park's shops? Write to Your View, Lincolnshire Echo, Brayford Wharf East, Lincoln, LN5 7AT.Or e-mail yourview@lincolnshireecho.co.uk thisislincolnshire.com

Happy Birthday Bigkids have a good day party1 party2 clapping

Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. (Wireless Flash) -- It's one thing to steal a base from a professional baseball player. But now some players are having other things stolen as well. Florida Marlins infielder Damion Easley had four rims stolen from his BMW truck and thieves stole four rims off fellow teammate Luis Castillo's BMW sedan at the Fort Lauderdale Airport Jet Center during the team's latest road trip, reports the "Palm Beach Post". It's the second time this season this has happened to Marlins' players. "These thieves aren't dumb, " Easley said. "They take advantage of opportunities like this. I just think we would learn after one incident." MADISON, Wis. -- A fraternity member at the University of Wisconsin-Madison found a new way for college students to get by without asking for money from their parents -- fake parking tickets. Anthony R. Gallagher allegedly put fake parking tickets on cars and had duped owners send him their payments, earning the beer-chugging frat boy hundreds of dollars. According to Associated Press, prosecutors say Gallagher established a post office box to receive payments for the $40 tickets and then had the money placed in a separate bank account. Authorities plan to put him on trial for the fake ticket scam. LAKE GEORGE, N.Y. -- Charges against a man who was arrested for not tipping enough in a New York restaurant have been dropped after authorities have determined he couldn't be forced to pay the mandatory gratuity for a large group. Humbert Taveras was charged with misdemeanor theft of services when he refused to paid 10 percent, not the required 18 percent, because he said he was dissatisfied with the service. "Taveras says I'm glad someone came to their senses up there. Now I can tell my kids, 'Daddy's not a crook.'" BERLIN -- German broadcaster Deutsche Welle has made their website readable in the "Star Trek" language Klingon in addition to 30 other languages. Klingon was added to celebrate the web sites' 10th anniversary. The director of Deutsche Welle said in a statement: "The dialogue of cultures does not end at the edge of our solar system." LONDON -- The girlfriend of the man who scaled Buckingham Palace earlier this week dressed as Batman to win support for the group Fathers 4 Justice, dumped him right on his utility belt a month earlier according to British media. Newspapers report that Gemma Polson walked out on `Batman' Jason Hatch a month ago because his activist group had "taken over his life." Polson says, "He had told me he was going to give it all up - but then he goes and does this at Buckingham Palace." ncbuy.com

Shoe stealing cat follows in mother's pawprints 16 September 2004 A second-generation thief apparently born into a life of crime is terrorising the Dunedin suburb of Mornington. Podge the cat, whose mother Kizzi used to steal rugby socks, has spent much of the past two and a-half years flogging shoes from porches. He lost part of his tail during one late-night raid - his owner, Aileen Smith, suspected it was caught in a door as he tried to get away - but he continues to steal shoes by the pair. After a quiet period of some weeks, Podge stole four pair of shoes last week and on Sunday was caught, "with his tail up like a peacock", dragging a pastel-blue slip-on down the footpath to his Ventnor St home. "I don't know if he learned about stealing things from his mother, but she was never that bad," Mrs Smith said, noting Podge might have to be put under house arrest. Animal behaviourist Associate Professor Kevin Stafford, of Massey University, said stealing pairs of shoes was unusual, and that there was every chance Podge had learned his behaviour from his mother, Kizzi, who continues to steal slippers and stuffed toys from Mrs Smith. It was called "misdirected predation", an urbanised response to the hunting instinct, and it was almost impossible to stop. "I'm afraid all I can say is that this is likely to be a recurrent chance to meet the neighbours," he said. stuff.com.nz

Police station not the place for sex 13 September 2004 A Whangarei couple could not have picked a worse place to exhibit their passion when lust overcame them late on Friday night - in the garden in front of the city's police station. Sergeant Murray Stapp said a man and woman in their early 20s were caught having sex in the small garden in front of the police station at about 10pm on Friday. Mr Stapp said the pair were discovered after a visitor to the police station reported seeing a person possibly unconscious in the garden. This prompted several officers to go to the front of the station fearing that somebody was drunk or had been knocked unconscious. Mr Stapp shone his torch into the bushes in the garden and saw a man's feet. A closer examination showed the man was partly undressed and actually on top of a woman who was in a similar state of undress. "It was pretty obvious then what they were up to, we caught them in action," Mr Stapp said. He told the man that the front of a police station was not the most appropriate place for expressing his passion but the man, who had been drinking, did not realise that was where they were. The officer then gave the pair a stern talking to but he did not have the heart to charge them so they were given a warning. Mr Stapp said patrolling police officers discovered couples in the act of sex once or twice a year. "But it's not that common to catch them doing it here," he said. stuff.com.nz

Convicted Murderer Accidentally Released Sep 15, 2004 10:11 am US/Eastern A convicted murderer facing 40 years has been mistakenly released from prison and police need your help finding him. As part of an agreement William Nesmith plead guilty to two counts of third degree murder relating to a North Philadelphia house fire that killed two and injured five in 1999. In exchange for testimony against another man, Nesmith was ordered to serve between 20 and 40 years in prison. However, on July 31st Nesmith was released from the Curran-Fromhold Correctional Facility due to a clerical error. CBS 3’s Lesley Van Arsdall reports the mistake happened when a secretary for Nesmith's defense attorney accidentally mixed up his name with another similarly named inmate when preparing a release order. The District Attorney's office has sent a letter to Nesmith’s home urging him to surrender by September 3rd or face additional prison time. He did not and now faces a life sentence. Police have said they believe it was an innocent mistake. The man who should have been released was Raymond Nesbitt. If you have any information about his whereabouts contact police. MMIV, CBS Broadcasting Inc., All Rights Reserved. kyw.com

Headlines Bigfoot spotted at Burger King buying a whopper from Elvis, then take off in a ufo Ouch! Idontknow

Researcher Claims Rumors Of Bigfoot's Demise Is Greatly Exaggerated VANCOUVER, B.C. (Wireless Flash) -- Rumors of Bigfoot's demise are greatly exaggerated. That's the word from Sasquatch researcher Chris Murphy, who says the number of Bigfoot sightings has increased in the last two years even though the hairy creature has been ignored by mainstream media ever since the death of notorious hoaxer Ray Wallace. Murphy says there are now about 400 Sasquatch sightings per year, most of them from what he calls "very credible sources." Most Bigfoot sightings take place in rural areas, by the side of a road. The most compelling evidence to the average person may be the large amounts of Sasquatch scat, which he says resembles human feces "except that it has more hair and wood chips in it." Unfortunately, Murphy says many folks who see a Sasquatch are so excited that they are unable to "contain themselves" and end up taking a blurry photo that is unable to help researchers track the creature down. Murphy is the author of a new book, "Meet The Sasquatch" (Hancock House). ncbuy.com

Man Shows Up Drunk for His Hearing By Associated Press September 15, 2004, 7:30 AM EDT READING, Pa. -- A motorist's bail was revoked when police said he had the daring to show up drunk to his preliminary hearing on drunken driving charges. Emerson Moore Jr., 46, of Caernarvon Township, was awaiting his hearing before Muhlenberg Township District Justice Dean R. Patton when Moore got into an argument with state police Trooper Roberto Soto, officials said. Soto, who had arrested Moore in the drunken-driving case June 20, smelled alcohol on Moore's breath as the two stood in the hallway outside Patton's courtroom, officials said. Moore, who had driven himself to court, had a blood-alcohol level of 0.10 percent, police said. The legal limit for driving in Pennsylvania is 0.08 percent. Patton revoked Moore's bail and sent him to Berks County Prison on $2,500 bail. He also will be cited for public drunkenness, he said. "You don't show up drunk for a preliminary hearing, especially when it's a drunk-driving case," Patton said. "I asked him what he was thinking and he said, 'You told me I could drink at home.'" Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com

"Bomb" of a car has Norfolk man worried Tue September 14, 2004 11:35 PM ET LONDON (Reuters) - A Norfolk man spent four hours holding a rusty piece of metal he feared was an unexploded World War Two bomb that would detonate if he let go -- only to be told he had been cradling part of an old car. As police, fire and ambulance crews rushed to the workyard where David Page had dug up the device, the terrified 40-year-old spoke to an emergency operator on his mobile phone, newspapers said on Wednesday. "The woman police operator kept saying it would be OK but I kept saying to her, 'You're not the one holding the bomb'," he said in the Daily Mail. Page, a father of five, sobbed to the woman operator: "I told her to tell my parents and the children that I loved them if anything went wrong." The drama ended when army bomb disposal experts turned up and told him the "bomb" was actually part of the hydraulic suspension system from a Citroen. © Reuters 2004. All rights reserved. reuters.com

Anger over cow struck by hot air balloon WEDNESDAY, 15 SEPTEMBER 2004 This is a story about a hot-air balloon, a dead cow and an angry farmer. On April 21, 2002, Max Imstepf set off in his hot-air balloon from the Morrinsville Recreation Reserve with five passengers on board. About an hour later, as he set the balloon down on farmland, the crown says rural tragedy struck with the death of cow 208. Imstepf denied charges of operating a hot-air balloon in a careless manner when dairy cows were in the immediate area, and low-level flying. Imstepf's lawyer, Brett Cooper, said the Civil Aviation Authority complaint was false and driven by farmer John Faulkner's anger at not receiving the full insurance claim, which Mr Cooper said was inflated. Mr Cooper said a vet would give evidence in Hamilton District Court that the cow had died three hours before the incident, a claim Mr Faulkner strongly denied. Mr Faulkner also denied threatening Imstepf. Even the weather is in dispute, with crown witnesses telling of a perfect day, while Mr Cooper produced photos taken by Imstepf on that morning, showing fog. The authority, represented by Deborah Davies, said that after two botched landing attempts, Imstepf finally set down on the Faulkners' farm. It said that as the balloon passed beside a farm race, its burner emitted a loud noise, spooking the cows. Seeing the cows' distress, Mr Faulkner's wife, Robin, went to investigate and found one cow dead and another injured. Yesterday, her husband agreed he had filed an insurance claim for $5937 for the death of one cow and injuries to four others. In July 2002, Mr Faulkner received a final payment of $5200, minus the $680 he claimed for his time. Yesterday, he denied the claim was inflated. "I've got a business that has a gross value of $5 million and a turnover of $1 million per annum. . . I think if I was to dishonestly try and do something, I'd do something a little more grandiose than that," he told the hearing. He said Imstepf was "tardy" in seeing him about the dead cow and had promised everything would be taken care of. Mr Faulkner sought advice from Federated Farmers before filing a complaint with the authority. The case continues today. stuff.com.nz

Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs WASHINGTON (Wireless Flash) -- If John Kerry or George W. Bush want to woo undecided voters, they may want to visit Asian restaurants or karaoke bars. According to a survey by New California Media, America's population of Asian Pacific Islanders has the largest number of undecided voters. Nearly 20 percent of the 3 million registered Asian American voters haven't made up their minds who to vote for in November. TOKYO -- More and more Japanese are living to be 100 or older, according to the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare. The number is expected to rise to 23,038 at the end of the month, up 12 percent from last year. Some researchers say the diet, lifestyle, environment, low stress levels and genetics are the main reasons the unusually high proportion rate of centenarians living in Okinawa which has a rate of 47.7 centenarians per 100,000 people. HARRIS, Penn. -- A Pennsylvania man received 23 months probation yesterday and a $500 fine after pleading guilty to snatching the toupee off a 60-year-old Harrisburg man on a bet. A friend offered $100 to 25-year-old Paul J. Goudy if he would steal the hair piece off of Edward Floyd while he was sitting in a restaurant back on New Year's Day. Mr. Floyd said the incident "has literally affected my entire life, and for what? What did I do?" AHMEDABAD, India -- There will be no dropping home for a quickie for a Muslim prisoner who was denied bail by an Indian court yesterday after he asked to go home so he could have sex with his wife. According to Reuters, Firozkhan Zafarkhan sought bail last month, saying he and his wife suffered mental trauma because they had not had sex for a long time. Zafarkhan has been in jail for more than 30 months, charged with a train torching two years ago that killed 59 people. ncbuy.com

Slightly off center . . . Take the money and run GAINESVILLE, Fla. — The driver of a Brinks armored truck apparently took the money and ran. James Parker drove away in the truck — carrying several hundred thousand dollars — after a co-worker left the vehicle to pick up a deposit at a home-improvement store. The truck was found later with the engine running in the Brinks parking lot — but Parker and the cash remain missing. Parker has yet to be found. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Man makes 3 photocopies of his buttocks CLAYTON, Mo. — Police arrested a man who allegedly dropped his pants in the crowded lobby of the St. Louis County Courthouse and made photocopies of his buttocks. Police found Daniel Everett holding two copies he had already made. He was making a third. ''What did I do? What did I do?'' witnesses said Everett asked police. Everett, an immature 38, told police that the copies were intended as a practical joke for his girlfriend. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Harleyville sign makes for popular theft CHARLESTON, S.C. — In Harleyville, S.C., the town limits sign has disappeared from the same spot for the fourth time in five years. And town officials think they know who has the signs: Harley-Davidson fans. A motorcycle shop owner says swiping Harleyville signs, which have been spotted as far away as Florida, is a point of pride among some bikers. ''I've seen them coming with a beer in one hand and a sign in the other like I'd give them a brownie point or something,'' he said. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When stealing, don't leave identification MUSKEGON HEIGHTS, Mich. — A suspected shoplifter was found when, after dropping her purse at the scene of a crime, she called police to claim her bag. The woman allegedly set off an anti-theft alarm as she fled a Family Dollar store. She dropped her purse in an parking lot while being chased. When she went to the police station to retrieve her lost purse, she was promptly arrested. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Football seats mark man's grave MOUNT LEBANON, Pa. — Paul Wellener's family found the perfect marker for his grave: two blue plastic seats from the Three Rivers Stadium auction. Wellener, a lifelong football fan and a Pittsburgh Steelers season ticket holder for 42 years, died unexpectedly on March 16. Wellener's son, Paul, and widow, Mary Ann, bought three pairs of stadium seats for $2,100 at an auction — and knew they had found the perfect gravestone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hungry? Try a "Fat in Chocolate" KIEV, Ukraine — A Ukrainian candy company has begun marketing what may be the stickiest, richest and most fattening treat on the market: pure pork fat covered in chocolate. Cracking open a finger-sized stick of ''Fat in Chocolate'' reveals exactly that: a vein of white fat. The dark chocolate product pokes fun at the traditional Ukrainian snack of salo, or salted pork fat, usually consumed with vodka and pickles. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This fire truck brought to you by ... STOCKERTOWN, Pa. — They may not be able to change their tires in less than 20 seconds, but Stockertown's fire department is looking for something decidedly race car-like: sponsorship. The tiny borough of 650 residents bought a fire truck but hasn't been able to scrape enough money to pay for it. So the fire chief and the City Council president dreamed up the idea of selling advertising space on the fire truck. So far, no one has signed on. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Champion liar tells good, clean story BURLINGTON, Wis. — Gordon Zwicky's outrageous tale about his trip to Florida earned him top honors in this year's Burlington Liars Club contest. Zwicky, 72, beat out 299 other entries from 31 states and Canada. Zwicky claimed he and his wife, Dorothy, won the lottery and decided to drive to Florida. Their neighbor told them they would be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs. ''Thirty miles from home they saw a sign stating, 'Clean Restrooms Ahead.' Two months later they arrived in Florida,'' the tale read. By that time, they had cleaned 450 restrooms using 267 rolls of paper towels, three cases of bowl cleaner and 86 bottles of Windex. They were so tired, they immediately left for home. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three-legged pooch revives owner In March, Lowman saved Percy from certain death by adopting him from the local Humane Society as he was recovering from an accident that took his right hind leg and severed his tail. HOME, Pa. — A three-legged, tailless pooch named Percy might look like a bedraggled Benji, but he's got the heart of Lassie. The terrier-mix's owner, Christina Lowman, 47, credits the small mutt with saving her life after she took a fall on Christmas morning. Lowman said she slipped on an icy ramp outside her home and was knocked out cold. She's not sure how long she lay outside in the 11-degree weather, but she said she could have died if not for Percy. ''When I woke up, the dog was licking my face,'' Lowman said. ''He brought me to by licking my face and barking.'' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Who gets to blow out the candles? HOFFMAN ESTATES, Ill. — Expect a big birthday party next year in the Greco household. Suzanne and Michael Greco celebrated their shared birthday Saturday by welcoming their first child, 8-pound, 8-ounce Maxwell Allen Greco. ''We're wondering what the odds are of having the whole family born on the same day,'' said Vicki Greco, Michael's mother. ''It's just amazing.'' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cop's dummy partner not deductible SAN FRANCISCO — A police officer whom voters let patrol with a 10-pound wooden dummy partner can't deduct the campaign costs as a business expense, a court said. Robert Geary spent nearly $11,500 of his own money to get the measure on the 1993 ballot, a move designed to counter the brass who ordered the ventriloquist dummy to remain in a locker because they said it made the department look silly. San Francisco voters, though, approved of using the Howdy Doody look-alike, Officer Brendan O'Smarty, to calm children. Now, Geary must pay the Internal Revenue Service $3,500 in back taxes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright 2000 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. usatoday.com