movieguy

clapping

Dale was a well known photographer and he get invited to famous stars and political events to snap pictures Dale has a friend name Earl who lives in the same town he does and is known by everyone in town Hey Earl i gotta go to hollywood tonight and take pictures of Burt Reynolds ol Burt huh! said Earl, well tell Burt that ol' Earl said hi Dale smile and went to catch the plane he arrived to the events and snap pictures of Burt and then he remember and said to Burt, ol' Earl said hi! Burt smile and said well i be, you tell ol' Earl that Burt said hi back which Dale took as a i don't want to be rude on who Earl is and just let it go when he got home he told ol' Earl and Earl smile, yup that ol' Burt for ya a few days later Dale was summon to the White House to snap picture of the President and he told Earl about it really? well tell ol' Dubya that ol' Earl said hi Dale didn't know if he should but try it anyway after arriving and snap pics after pics he told the President that ol' Earl said hi ol' Earl huh! me and the First Lady was talking about him the other day and we wonder how ol' Earl been doing? tell him that we said hi right back at him Dale now was confuse, did he really know ol' Earl? back home he tell Earl and he said. that ol Dubya for you! so Earl i gotta go to rome and take photographs of the pope the Pope err, well tell the Pope that ol' Earl said hi Dale now wide eyes thought no way he know the pope? Dale stood with the crowd in rome and waited for the Pope to come out on the balcony and waves he see the Pope walk out and then see ol' Earl walk out with him! then Dale fainted!? when Dale woke up he see ol' Earl standing beside him Dale! you alright? i told ya i knew the Pope Dale look at Earl a minute then he said Yeah i know ya did, i was fine when you walk out of the balcony with him but when the guy standing next to me said hey, who is that with ol' Earl i fainted

AROUND THE HORN: Cardinals' Tavarez tossed for dirty cap August 21, 2004 Free Press News Services ST. LOUIS -- Cardinals reliever Julian Tavarez keeps running into trouble with his grimy, dirt-smudged cap. For the first time this season, it got him ejected. Tavarez lasted one out in a 5-4 victory over the Pittsburgh Pirates in the opener of a day-night doubleheader Friday. Umpire crew chief Joe West conducted a lengthy inspection of the cap before the eighth inning before tossing Tavarez, who made a flamboyant exit. Tavarez put his arm around home-plate umpire Ron Kulpa and suggested they get a beer after the game. Then he flipped his cap to a fan in the stands behind the dugout on his way off the field. "He asked me if it was pine tar, and it was like, 'No, it's just a dirty hat,' " Tavarez said. "Every pitch I throw, I touch my hat, just like a lot of guys. "I asked him if I could wear another hat and he said, 'No, you're out of the game.' " West said he was enforcing Rule 802.b, which prohibits foreign substances on uniforms and caps. He also said Tavarez and manager Tony La Russa "as much admitted" it was pine tar on his cap. "I said, 'Well, Tony, you know he can't have pine tar on his hat, it can't be anywhere on him,' " West said. "By rule, I have to kick him out of the game. "Do you like kicking a guy out of a game because he had pine tar on his hat? No. If he was using it to cheat, he should be kicked out." The Cardinals are the sixth team in six years for Tavarez, who played for the Pirates last season. He was disappointed that manager Lloyd McClendon would use such a tactic, and deposited a handful of his clean caps on McClendon's desk after being ejected. Tavarez also disapproved of the Pirates checking his cap in a game Pittsburgh had trailed, 4-1. "If the game was tied, let's mess with his head," Tavarez said. "It's 4-1, you're 35 games out, you ain't going nowhere, what are you doing? I got a little sad, and I just took my hats over there." McClendon confirmed he was the source of the inspection. "It was brought to my attention on my bench," McClendon said. "We didn't know what it was, and we still don't know." N.Y. Mets: Infielder Joe McEwing is out for the season after suffering a broken bone in his left leg. McEwing was placed on the disabled list, a day after the injury at Colorado. Infielder Jeff Keppinger was called up from Triple-A Norfolk. "It absolutely stinks," said McEwing, who hit .254 with one homer and 16 RBIs. www.freep.com

A guy walks into a bar and sits down A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers....like a telephone....on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, 'You don't understand. I'm very high-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.' The bartender says 'Prove it.' The guy dials a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. 'That's incredible', says the bartender....'I would never have believed it!' 'Yeah', said the guy, 'I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?' The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his a**. 'Oh my God!' cries the bartender. 'Did they rob you? Are you hurt?' The guy turns to him and says: 'No, I'm ok........I'm just waiting for a fax.

Bobbit-esque world This World We Live In These stories come under the heading: ''Doc! I was minding my own business when......... KENNETT, MO - Paramedics rescued a man who had lodged his p**** in his bathroom sink drain. The man had been trying to change a light bulb above the sink when he slipped on the lip and fell. His p**** sustained heavy bruising and abrasions and swelled so much that he was unable to remove it from the drain. A neighbor, hearing his shouts, called police. They broke the door down, despite the victim's fevered pleas that he was fine and in no need of assistance. Paramedics arrived within 10 minutes and administered an injection, causing the swelling to drop so that the p**** could be removed without damage to it or the sink. LOS ANGELES, CA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza, was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. ''My dog drags the thing all over the house,'' he said later. ''He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing.'' The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. ''He was a real trooper during the entire episode,'' said Dr. Dennis Crobe. ''Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there.'' PORTLAND, OR - A man was admitted to an emergency clinic with severe bruising and lacerations on his p**** and testicles, caused in an accident involving a hand held vacuum cleaner. The man had been vacuuming, wearing only a bathrobe, when he tripped, having been distracted because his robe fell open. ''It always does that,'' he said. ''I keep meaning to rig up some kind of tie for it, but I never do. I guess I'll get around to it now. ''He fell on the vacuum and the small beater bar of the device caused enough damage to require fifteen stitches and an overnight stay at the clinic.'' BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's p**** and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the p****. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's p**** was in a Styrofoam ice cooler. ''Chris is just plain lucky,'' said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the p****. ''Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the p**** per se is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this.'' Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

Brown Balls The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. "All right" says the Doc, "drop 'em and let's have a look." Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims "Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!". The patient is a bit embarrassed and says "Look Doc, what about the rash?" "Oh that's easy," said the Doc, "Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask....." "No," said the patient, "You can't. Now, is that all Doc?" "Well, " said the Doctor, " You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!" The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day. "What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!" "Ah" he said, "And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."

Court Acquits Mooning Theater Director By Associated Press August 21, 2004, 9:10 AM EDT SAO PAULO, Brazil -- The Supreme Court has quashed charges of obscene exposure levied last year against avant-garde theater director Gerald Thomas, who mooned an audience after an opera performance. After an August 2003 performance of "Tristan and Isolde" at Rio de Janeiro's municipal theater, Thomas shocked audience members and much of the cast by pulling down his pants and displaying his buttocks in response to jeers at the curtain call. The Supreme Court said it shelved the charges Tuesday night after deciding that Thomas' gesture "may have been rude and in bad taste" but not obscene. The gesture was an "exercise in freedom of expression," the court said in a statement on its Web site. The Supreme Court's decision freed Thomas of a possible jail term of up to a year. Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com

'Kerry' Crushes 'Bush' In Cockroach Derby POSTED: 7:20 AM EDT August 20, 2004 NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. -- "John Kerry" crushed "George Bush" like a bug at the annual cockroach derby in New Brunswick. Thursday's event was hosted by the New Jersey Pest Management Association. Organizers said the event has an 80 percent accuracy rate in determining the winners of the election. Madagascar giant hissing cockroaches that represented the Massachusetts Democrat and the Republican incumbent didn't move when the race started. But with a little prodding, the "Kerry" roach sprinted down a 6-foot tube while the "Bush" roach never moved any of its six legs. Copyright 2004 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved. thedenverchannel.com

Skag Drag Stickup by The Associated Press Posted: August 20, 2004 5:01 pom ET (Collierville, Tennessee) A mustached man donning a green sun dress made off with $4,000 from a Collierville, Tennessee bank, but he didn't make the best-dressed list. Witnesses say the bank robber could have used a little fashion help. But his get-up was successful in helping him get away. Police are searching for the man who robbed the bank while wearing the dress and a woman's wig. "It was a leaf design, but muted," a woman who witnessed the holdup said of the robber's frock. "He looked a mess," said another witness. The witnesses said the robber was obviously male, given away by his muscular legs -- and the mustache. Police Capt. Tommy McCaskill said the robber threatened a teller at a branch bank in a Kroger store in this Memphis suburb but did not show a weapon. No one was hurt. As the robber fled, he tried to cover the mustache with one hand while grasping what police said was $4,000 in the other. ©The Associated Press 2004 365gay.com

The talking cowboy A Cowboy said to a Rancher, 'Is that your dog?' The Rancher replied, 'Yup.' 'Mind if I talk to him?' 'Durn fool, don't you know dogs don't talk?' The Cowboy replied, 'So what's the harm? May I?' 'Go right ahead.' The Cowboy said to the dog, 'Howdy!' The dog replied, 'Hello.' The Rancher's eyes pop wide. The Cowboy continued, 'Is this your master?' 'Yep, he sure is.' 'Does he treat you alright?' 'Sure does. Every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the lake to play.' Rancher was dumbfounded. The Cowboy said to the Rancher, 'Is that your horse over there?' 'Yes.' 'Do you mind if I talk to him?' The Rancher replied, 'I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk.' 'Well, then what would it hurt?' 'Go right ahead.' The Cowboy said to the horse, 'Hello.' The Horse replied, 'Hello.' The Rancher stood there with his jaw wide open. The Cowboy asked, 'Is that your owner?' 'Yup, sure is.' 'He treat you okay?' 'Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn away from the elements.' 'Sounds good.' The Cowboy then asked the Rancher, 'Are those your sheep over there?' The Rancher is horrified and stammers, 'Them sheep out there, they're nothing but a bunch of liars!'

Cajun Math A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Boudreaux. The boss thought to himself, "I'm not hiring that ole lazy cajun..." He decided to set a test for Boudreaux, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without any problems. The first question the boss asked was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy," and draws three oak trees. The boss says, "What the hell's that?" Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n' tree 'n' tree makes nine." The boss says, "Fair enough." "Second question, same rules, but this time represent 99." Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere ya go, sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Boudreaux says, "Each tree is dirty now! so it's dirty tree, 'n' dirty tree, 'n' dirty tree...dat's 99!" The boss, now is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "All right, question three. Same rules once again, but this time represent the number 100." Boudreaux stares into space again, then shouts, "I got it!" He then makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "Dere ya go, sir. 100." The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinking that he's got him this time. "Go on Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred." Boudreaux leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an dirty tree an' a turd, which makes a hundred! So when can I start workin'?

Good driving A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart-a** when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Lettuce and Tomatoes ® One day two teenagers decided to have sex. So they went to the guys house. He shared a bunk bed with his brother -- being the older, he slept on the top bunk. The guy said, "If you want it harder say lettuce, if you want a new position say tomatoes." So they went on with lettuce , tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes. The little brother woke up and said, "Would you guys stop making sandwiches? You're dripping mayonnaise on me!"

Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs NEW YORK (Wireless Flash) -- What's the scariest part about getting married? For many brides, it's the best man's speech. According to ModernBride.com, 48 percent are afraid the best man will bring up embarrassing details about the groom's former "player status." PORTLAND, Ore. -- Horton hears a sue: An artist in Portland, Oregon, has been convicted of attempting to extort millions of dollars from Dr. Suess's widow, Audrey Geisel, by threatening to release sexually-themed paintings of Suess characters like Horton the elephant, the Cat in the Hat and Cindy Lou Who. According to "The Oregonian," a judge has sentenced artist Charles Steen to three years probation and anger management counseling. BURNABY, B.C. -- Some off-duty Canadian Mounties were in the right place at the right time Wednesday when they intercepted a bumbling thief who had just robbed a bank in Burnaby, British Columbia. The robber ran past the cops and into a nearby sporting goods store where he tried to hide inside the ceiling, but was too heavy and came crashing down onto the floor. The officers arrested him and recovered the money stolen from the bank. ANCHORAGE, Alaska -- An Alaskan man has grown a record-breaking cantaloupe in climate conditions far from the warm weather melons require to grow. Scott Rob's 64.8-pound muskmelon will be displayed at the Alaska State Fair next week, and record holders say it may take months for Guinness record-keepers to verify his achievement. OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla. -- An Oklahoma judge who was accused of "banging his gavel under his robe" says he will step down from the bench rather than face a hearing. Judge Donald Thompson was facing charges of removal for allegedly masturbating and using erection enhancement devices under his robe while sitting on the bench. Since he is retiring, he will be allowed to keep his full pension. ncbuy.com

Singles Group Invites Gays And Lesbians To Dog-Meet-Dog Event NEW YORK (Wireless Flash) -- A New York mixer that encourages singles to meet through their dogs is helping lesbians, bisexuals, gays and transgender folks unleash their passions too. The group Leashes & Lovers is inviting the LGBT community to come out to their "poop and cruise" event August 25 with their dogs. Group co-founder Michelle Kennedy says dogs are great ice breakers, and they also knock down egos and make people more approachable. Dogs worked for Kennedy. She says she met her husband at a dog event. Donations are suggested, and proceeds for the event will be donated to NYSave, a non-profit organization that provides the life-saving funds for emergency veterinary care of pets owned by low-income New York City residents. ncbuy.com

Woman Celebrates 95th Birthday on Harley Wed Aug 18,10:38 PM ET MISSOULA, Mont. - A woman celebrated her 95th birthday with a ride around her neighborhood on a motorcycle. Marsha Fowler helped her stepmother, Helen Self, into a leather jacket, gloves, chaps and a black helmet for her birthday ride on the back of Dwayne Fowler's Harley Davidson hog. "I tried to keep it fairly upright on the turns," Fowler said after the ride. "Don't want to scare her, or she might not ride again next year." Self declared the ride "wonderful." She knew the motorcycle ride was coming, but didn't know a reporter and photographer would be there to document it. "She's worried it's going to be in the paper that she's 95," said Fowler, of Wasilla, Alaska. "She told her boyfriend she's only 91." Self is the mother of two children, stepmother to four more and has five grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren. She has outlived three husbands. Self lives with a granddaughter, Diane Gunter. "She does all the laundry for seven of us, cooks all the dinners, I am totally spoiled" Gunter said. "She told me she was taking today off because it was her birthday, so I cooked for the first time in I don't know how long. She told me it wasn't half bad." Gunter said Self isn't your typical sit-in-a-rocking chair grandmother. "She has an 85-year-old gentleman friend who picks her up and off they go," Gunter said. "She says out late, I sit up worrying." Self was born in Hamilton in 1909, the youngest of nine children. She moved to Missoula at age 16 and was the first nurse's aid in Missoula, working at the old Northern Pacific Hospital. She has one brother still alive, Joe Chesnutt of Hamilton. "He'll be 99 in January," Self said. "We've got a contest going. We're trying to outlive each other." ___ Information from: Missoulian, http://www.missoulian.com news.yahoo.com

Drunk Horse-And-Buggy Driver Causes Crash Wed Aug 18,10:38 PM ET By TIM JACOBS, Associated Press Writer RIGA, Latvia - Police in eastern Latvia were trying to determine Wednesday what charges to bring against a drunken horse-and-buggy driver who caused a drunken motorist to crash into a ditch, flipping his car. The accident happened just before midnight Monday near Kraslava, 140 miles east of the Latvian capital, Riga. The driver of the horse-and-buggy made an illegal turn onto a main road when he should have yielded to an oncoming car, said Kraslava police spokeswoman Ingrida Nevedomska. To avoid crashing into the horse-and-buggy, the driver of the car, a Volkswagen Golf, veered into a roadside ditch, flipping his car, Nevedomska said. The driver was not seriously hurt. Police, who did not release the names of the drivers, administered breathalyzer tests and determined they were both legally drunk, Kraslava traffic police chief Uldis Ornicans said. The driver of the car was fined $830 and had his license revoked. But police were unsure what to do about the horse-and-buggy driver — only motor vehicles and bicycles are covered under the country's drunk driving laws. "How do you ticket a guy driving a horse-and-buggy?" Nemedomska said. Ornicans said the man at the reins would probably be charged with having caused an accident but declined to specify what penalties he might face. As for the horse, Nevedomska said, it seemed sober. news.yahoo.com

Judge Accused of Masturbating Resigns Thu Aug 19, 8:25 AM ET OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla. (Reuters) - An Oklahoma judge facing removal over charges that he masturbated and used a device for enhancing erections under his robes during trials said on Wednesday he would retire from the bench. Creek County District Judge Donald Thompson, 57, wrote to Oklahoma Gov. Brad Henry resigning effective Sept. 1, a move that will allow him to retire with a full pension. A former state representative and a judge for 22 years, Thompson was accused by state Attorney General Drew Edmondson of using a "p**** pump" to enhance erections during trials and exposing himself to a court reporter several times while masturbating on the bench. The state Court on the Judiciary was scheduled to hear a motion on Friday to suspend Thompson. The judge has denied the charges and did not refer to them in his letter of resignation. "I have greatly enjoyed my public service and offer my gratitude for the public trust reposed in me during the terms I served," he said news.yahoo.com

Inept Bank Robber Drops in on Mounties Thu Aug 19, 8:29 AM ET VANCOUVER, British Columbia (Reuters) - Three off-duty police officers in a Vancouver suburb found themselves surprise witnesses to a bank robbery on Wednesday by an inept thief who apparently did not realize his own weight. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police officers were waiting in a car at an intersection outside a bank in Burnaby when a man suddenly ran out of the building and into the traffic where he nearly collided with a vehicle. Realizing that something was amiss, the Mounties chased the man on foot as he ran into a nearby marine products supply store where witnesses said he attempted to hide by climbing into a ceiling area. "Customers and the officers could hear the man struggling, until they finally heard him say, 'Help me'," the RCMP said a statement. The ceiling tiles then collapsed under the man's weight and he landed in a boat that was on display. He was arrested and the money recovered. news.yahoo.com

Okla. Police Search for Headstone's Home By Associated Press August 19, 2004, 5:04 AM EDT ENID, Okla. -- Capt. Jim Nivison thought he had figured out where the headstone, found outside a local restaurant over the weekend, belonged. The Bureau of Vital Statistics in Oklahoma City had linked the stone bearing the name Merle Porter to a rural cemetery in Alfalfa County. Pellow Monument Co. even agreed to return it there, Nivison said Wednesday. But Alfalfa County Sheriff Charlie Tucker told him he had talked to some of Porter's relatives, who confirmed that his headstone is still in place, Nivison said. "We're back to ground zero," Nivison said. The dates on the headstone match those listed for the birth and death of the Merle Porter listed in Bureau of Vital Statistics records. He was born June 3, 1911, and died Jan. 16, 1957. Nivison said there is only one Merle Porter in the state's records, but there's no indication the headstone at the Alfalfa County cemetery had been replaced at some point in the past. Ann Pellow Rus of Pellow Monuments said the brown-colored granite that was used for the headstone came from North Dakota. "This is really a pretty expensive color," Rus said, estimating its value at more than $300. She also said there was no sign the stone had been set in a cement foundation like most headstones because there were no signs of cement on it. "It's real puzzling," Rus said. The 2-foot-wide headstone is adorned with a cross and an open Bible. * __ Anyone with information about the headstone should contact the Enid Police Department at 580-242-7000. * __ Information from: Enid News & Eagle Copyright © 2004, The Associated Press newsday.com

Nurse Jones was making her round to all the room one morning she been working for years there and knew all the old folks by first middle and last name after taking care of a elderly lady and changing her bed sheets she took them to the hall to drop in the dirty clothes hamper she could hear Mr. Johnson in his room piss off at the world she started to walk in the room and was taken by surprises to see him standing up on his bed with a bulge in his pants showing damn it! damn it! she heard him say the first erection i've had in years and my hands are asleep

Face Splat clapping

Around The Weird: Bizarre News Briefs LONDON (Wireless Flash) -- The phrase, "England swings like a pendulum do," is truer than ever -- especially with sex. According to a survey by Euro RSCG Worldwide, Brits have the loosest sexual morals in the world. Nearly 60 percent say it's normal for a person to have more than 10 or more lovers during their single years. Meanwhile, Chinese people are the most moral: Only 17 percent expect singles to have a list of lovers numbering in double digits. BERLIN -- The job market is tough in Germany -- just ask the gourmet chef in Berlin who's had to resort to working in a school cafeteria. But Vincenzo Maiuolo says the work isn't all that different from his previous post at a swanky celebrity hot spot. He tells the "Berliner Kurier," "The biggest difference is that students only pay one euro for their food." RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil -- Canines are fighting the ravages of old age by visiting a Brazilian vet who offers face lifts and Botox injections to animals, starting at around $40 per procedure. Rio-based surgeon Edgard Brito tells "Las Ultimas Noticias," "Beauty is something desirable. We all like to talk to someone who looks good. It is the same for dogs." ORLANDO, Fla. -- An Olympic TV viewer shattered the previous Guinness World Record for consecutive television watching at Universal Orlando Resort Tuesday evening. Terrye Jackson of Springdale, Maryland, watched 50 hours and seven minutes of non-stop NBC coverage of the Olympics. In Jackson's words: "When they told me I beat the world record I was watching the gymnastics. I wanted to finish watching it." ncbuy.com

Man burns pal's crotch as a prank By CP CALGARY -- A Calgary man could go to jail for lighting his co-worker's crotch on fire in a drunken prank that caused burns and scarring to 5% of the man's body. Michael William Cleare, 29, pleaded guilty to criminal negligence causing bodily harm yesterday. Jeffery Dale Lewis suffered second- and third-degree burns and permanent scarring to his inner thigh and genitals in the June 8, 2003, incident. After a night of drinking, the two men returned to Cleare's southwest Calgary home. After Lewis fell asleep on a chair with his legs spread apart, Cleare ran a lighter along the inside of the man's right thigh and crotch. The intention, according to an agreed statement of facts signed by defence lawyer Bruce Corenblum and entered as an exhibit at Cleare's provincial court appearance yesterday, was for the heat to wake the man up. Instead, Lewis's pants caught fire. He awoke and rushed to the kitchen where the two men extinguished the flames. He then went back to sleep until the next morning when Cleare drove him to hospital. Lewis later underwent surgery, during which skin was grafted to his upper thigh. canda.ca

Montana Ghost Story A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands. “Well that's a good start,” says the professor, “Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands. “That's really good,” continues the professor, “I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands. “That's a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands. “That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” asks the professor. One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.” The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost?!?” Dang, I thought you said ‘goats.’